NOTE

Warning for sexual content.

50. Tears

I arrived outside Severus's door at the time we'd agreed upon. The light had faded from the sky, and it had grown cold in the castle. I could see firelight flickering under the door, and was eager to enter the circle of its warmth.

Severus opened the door in a long black dressing gown. It looked as though he'd recently bathed, and his hair was soft and dry. The warm light of the flames stirred in his eyes as I stepped past him into the room.

"Would you like tea?" he asked.

"No, thank you," I answered.

He moved closer to the fire. I felt my heartbeat quicken as I watched his silhouette against the wavering light. "I have a request," he said.

Nervousness tightened my throat. I still didn't know the breadth of his tastes in bed, and worried that perhaps he would want to do something that I wasn't ready for. "Alright," I said, prompting him to continue.

He spoke while still facing the fire–for which I was grateful. "I would prefer it if you finished first," he said. "It distressed me, last time, to leave you unsatisfied."

I felt myself blush heavily. I did remember how upset he had seemed by the way our consummation had ended. I was afraid that perhaps I would be too tense to come, but I agreed to try. "Alright," I said again, in a whisper. "I also…" He turned to me, listening. I felt it hard to dictate my needs when he was looking at me like that, but forced the words out. "When you're inside of me, I'd like to… not be underneath you."

There was a stillness in him which radiated intent. I felt my body responding already, even though we had yet to touch. My mouth went dry as he stepped towards me slowly. My heart thumped erratically as he wrapped his arms around my waist, bent down, and pressed his lips to mine.

We had never yet kissed, and the feeling was extremely tender. I felt how sensitive my lips were to his, and shivered as he pressed against me more deeply. My mouth fell open to his, his tongue gently tracing my lips. I gasped at his precision, his hands roaming firmly over my back.

I pushed him away carefully, looking up into his face. His mouth was open and his eyes were full of unguarded desire. I could not understand his mixed signals. I looked at him searchingly for a moment, but then stopped thinking and let my own rising hunger for him take over. I lifted myself urgently against his body, and kissed him back openly, wrapping my arms around him in return.

I'd been denying my exhausting want to hold him ever since we'd first been naked together, but now I didn't have to deny it. His body was warm, and stronger than mine, and I allowed it to arouse me as it naturally did rather than make me fearful.

Whatever tension and anticipation I'd been feeling over the past weeks, he must have been feeling it as well. I felt my mind unspooling as he held me passionately, his mouth overwhelming my own.

"You haven't had your potion," he said, coming away breathlessly.

"I don't care," I breathed.

"You're shaking…"

I kissed him again. He untied my dressing gown and cupped my breasts in his hands, groaning into my mouth. My breath hitched as he abruptly turned me around, holding my back against the soft fabric of his dressing gown, and stroking my chest with both hands. He buried his face in my neck, and I felt his lips and the lightest touches of his teeth against my skin.

Sighing with need, I lifted my hands over my head to touch his hair. The movement caused my back to arch, and he moved his hands from my breasts to my belly, stroking it with his fingertips until I was shuddering, my head leaning back against his shoulder, unable to make a sound. One hand slipped beneath the waistband of my trousers, and my voice broke as his fingers found my centre. Continuing to kiss and nip at my neck, he ran his other hand down from my elbow, over the softness of my arm and my side.

When his fingers came to my ribs, my body gave a sharp, sudden flinch. I was suddenly remembering how Lucius had kicked me there–and Severus's fingers between my legs suddenly became Lucius's fingers. It was only a momentary illusion, but it left me shocked, and I gasped in horror. My hands came down to cover my face, and, with a whimper of anguish and guilt, I pulled away and sat in the chair by the fire, trembling.

Severus approached me gently, and softly wrapped a shawl around my shoulders. "Oh…" I said, humiliated by how quickly my body had gone from pleasure to fear. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

His hands were warm and supportive on my shoulders. "Perhaps tomorrow," he said, though his voice still trembled from our intense contact.

I was still shaking, but I managed to say "No." I still wanted him.

He left me briefly and returned with a dose of the deep blue potion. But I shook my head. "I cannot." The confusion and fear that had resulted last time was even more unpleasant than whatever else might arise from not taking the potion. If I was afraid, I wanted to know why.

Severus set the vial aside and leaned on the arm of the chair, supporting my shoulders as I recovered control of my trembling.

"I know this is hard for you," he said, after a long moment. "Where do you not want my hands?"

Trying not to cry from his consideration, I pressed my own fingertips to my side, then to my neck and wrists, feeling my vulnerability as I watched his face.

"I'll remember," he promised, and leaned down slowly to brush his lips against my hair. "Tell me what you need from me," he whispered. Already my momentary panic was melting away, and I felt my heartbeat drop into my belly.

"I need to see your face…"

He looked at me, his eyes deeply penetrating mine, and I offered him my mouth freely as he kissed me again. He pulled me slowly up from the chair and held me much more gently against his chest, allowing the shawl to slip from my skin.

My heart beat wildly as, whilst kissing me, he reached down and untied my pyjama trousers with careful fingers. I let them fall from my hips, and then stepped out of my knickers as he bent over to hold me. I untied his dressing gown and admired his own body in the firelight, full of anticipation. We became a tangle of warm limbs as our tongues touched, my knee already trying to climb the side of his leg.

Severus was able to express his emotions to me physically in a way that he seemed unable to in words. He cherished me with his touches, running his fingers slowly down the centre of my back, bending his head to kiss my nipples.

I was unable to relinquish quite as much control this time. Occasionally I felt my body resisting a bit; but Severus sensed it too, and adapted gently, never forcing me with his strength, or touching me in the places I'd pointed out to him. Every caress proved his understanding of how difficult it was for me to give him my body. Every kiss showed his gratitude.

When we had embraced in this way for a long time, he pulled me tightly against him and picked me up in his arms, carrying me into his bedroom. Trembling with desire, I allowed him to spread my body out upon the bed, his hands worshipping each part.

My mouth was open, begging for his, but he withdrew for a moment. The softest of moans passed his lips as he looked at me. I usually covered myself with baggy trousers and button-ups and cardigans. I knew that seeing my shape at all was a rarity, let alone all of my skin. His eyes soaked in each detail and I found myself flushing as he admired me. "So lovely…" he murmured.

There was a weakness I perceived in him now for the first time. I sensed the power I held, and though I wasn't yet certain of how to use it, I felt it building inside of me and winding around my own weakness for him. I watched him as he leaned down to kiss between my breasts; as he made his way down the centre of my body, beginning to caress my inner thighs with his knuckles.

I felt the heat of his breath and knew what he wanted to do, but held his shoulders back with my knees. "Not that, please–" I said. I knew it would remind me of Lucius. "Another night," I promised. "Not yet."

He stopped himself as though with great effort, but kissed my mouth without reservation or disappointment. I let my legs fall open again as his fingers stroked between my folds. It was even more intense than when he'd done it before. I was already soft and wet, eager to prepare for him.

I shuddered under his perfect touch. He kissed my open mouth, drinking in my moans like nectar. My back arched greedily and he wrapped a strong arm around my waist, deepening the effect of his fingers. His face nuzzled mine, his pleased groans sounding in my ear as I rocked my head from side to side.

I was driven to delirium by the thought of him inside of me–soon, so soon… He cooed to me, stroking my hair as my breath came in starting gasps and whimpers, the vibration of his voice rippling through me. "Good girl… beautiful… shh…"

I whimpered desperately as I grew dangerously close to orgasm. I wrapped my legs around him, trying to pull him into me. "Let me finish," he said, rather sternly.

"Please," I moaned. "I'm going to… I want you to feel it…"

My words made him groan deeply, and, incapable of denying me, he turned over, pulling me on top of him. His face was beautiful in its anticipation. I was ready to give him everything I had as I rubbed my lips against his waiting mouth, feeling his panting breath.

I spread my knees wide against the bedcovers, and lengthened my body against his own as I bent down to take him. My own pleasure was enough and more to ease his entrance, and I cried out against his shoulder as he came into me fully.

I rolled my hips, deep and slow, trembling feverishly, so weakened by my need that I could barely hold myself up. His face was caught in a grimace of pleasure. "Wilma…" His deep voice caused a hot pang of desire to cut across my abdomen, so strong it hurt.

The heat between our bodies was intoxicating. My whole self quivered as he held my hips, and trailed his fingers along the tender backs of my thighs. He kissed me again and I came like lightning, moaning against his open mouth as light exploded behind my eyes. As I contracted around him–that blissful feeling I'd so desired–he tumbled after me, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me down like a creature of the deep sea, the dying strains of my own pleasure helping to ease the shock of his climax.

I collapsed softly on top of him, my moans high and helpless as I slowly caught my breath. He held me tightly, his arms encompassing my worn-out body.

I was still gasping, slowly descending again, when I realised he was in distress, trembling as he caressed my body.

"Why do you do this to me?" he moaned.

I nearly asked him what he meant, before I saw that he was crying. I stroked his hair, startled. I had seen him cry a couple of times, but nothing like this. Within moments he was sobbing in my arms, undone. There was nothing I could do but shift my body slightly and hold his head against my chest. He sat up and pulled me against him tightly, as though trying to absorb my body into his own.

"Tell me," I begged, feeling sudden tears spilling from my own eyes at the feeling of his turmoil. His body was shaking with sobs. "Please, Severus, just tell me."

I held him tightly, and eventually he became still. One of his hands came free from my body, and in a moment a small empty glass vial had flown into it. I watched him in confusion as, trembling, he held the vial against his cheek, allowing his continuing tears to flow inside. I noticed that one or two of them glowed a faint, pale blue.

"What are you doing?" I whispered.

"I need you… to take them," he said, as though speaking caused him pain. "To the Pensieve."

"What?" I asked. I'd heard of the powerful magical objects in my final year, but hadn't known there was one in Hogwarts.

"In the headmaster's office," he said.

I felt shocked. This was what I had been longing for, for him to open up to me, but now that he was offering me his memories, I didn't know how to accept them. "I don't want it this way," I said, suddenly afraid. "I want you to say it."

"I can't," he said weakly. And I felt panic spreading through my body as I realised it was true. Whatever it was, he was incapable of telling me in words. He needed me to be brave. This was the only way he was capable of giving me what I needed. At least for now.

I took the vial from him and set it away on the bed. "I'm not leaving you like this," I said.

"You must," he begged, his strong body brought low by crying. "Please. Please, before I change my mind."

He was pushing me away now, and I quickly went to pull on my clothes. I returned to him, and my heart ached at the sight of his pained face, his body hunched under the weight of his emotions. I bent down to embrace him again, holding back sobs of my own. "I want to stay with you."

But he didn't allow my arms to surround him again. "Go," he pleaded, in a strangled voice. "I need you to understand."

So I went, fending off shock, clutching the vial of tears in my hand.