Hector had never talked to anybody about what had happened at the cliffs, even though he relived the moment every time he stopped to think about it. Whenever he heard the rolling thunder of the storm that was following him, he was immediately brought back to the cliffs, when he'd laid on the ground, still and broken. He could practically feel the chilling rain on his skin, making him feel like it was washing away any feeling of hope he had ever felt, and yet not doing a thing to wash away the tears of pain, fear, and loneliness.
Hector could lose himself to that moment, but whenever he started to, Adira pulled him back. She would take his hand, reminding him of where he was now.
He had been so worried about telling her what had happened, and he hadn't even told her the whole story, but she took it better than he thought she would. She was sympathetic, understanding, and more careful about throwing herself into dangerous situations. What Hector especially appreciated was how often Adira would offer physical contact.
He knew she hated it. He knew that his touch sent shivers down her spine, even more than it normally would, and she probably didn't even realize. Maybe it was selfish of him to accept her offer, but he couldn't help himself. He'd been slowly losing himself for twenty years. Adira's touch wasn't just a reminder that he had his sister back, but for the first time in all these years he felt like himself again.
Hector heard a light growl. He looked away from the overcast night skies and looked to the side. One of his bearcats had wandered cautiously towards him. It was sniffing at him, reminding Hector of an animal that wanted to trust somebody, but was scared of doing so.
Hector gave his bearcat a small smile. He slowly held out his hand. "Hey. Do you want to try…"
The bearcat whined and took another step forward. It sniffed Hector's hand, only to wince and whimper as it retreated back. Hector sighed and lowered his hand.
"That's okay. Maybe later." Hector assured his old friend, even as he felt a part of his soul drack and shatter. This was one of the worst parts about everything that had happened. Animals were so much more sensitive about this kind of thing than humans were. They could tell that he wasn't normal. He wasn't natural, and he hadn't been for a long time.
He tried not to take it personally. His animals still loved him, and they seemed broken-hearted and guilty about their unease around him. He didn't hold it against them. It was part of their nature. He was just glad that they had remained at his side for all these years, even if it had been from a bit more of a distance.
His bearcat gave him one more sad look before returning to its sibling's side, curled up against Adira, who was fast asleep. Hector watched them, feeling his soul ache. It was weird. He'd been alone for so long, and now he had his animals within sight, and his sister at his side. He had no reason to feel so alone. Seeing three creatures that he cared about most in the world curled up close to each other while he sat on the side, he felt separated from them. He was with them, but he wasn't a part of them, and he knew that he never could be.
The wind and rain picked up around them. Hector grimaced, wishing that the storm would just stop and finally leave him alone. He'd been plagued with this storm for twenty years, with the weather mirroring the torment in his soul.
He longed for Adira's comfort and grounding presence, but she needed her rest. She was amazing, and could handle more than anybody else that Hector knew, but she was still only human. She needed sleep.
Besides, it wasn't fair for him to cling to her. She had tolerated his touch before because she'd been worried about his temper and loneliness. Once he had told her at least part of what had happened twenty years ago, she'd been much more receptive, but Hector didn't feel any less guilty. He knew that she just offered her hand because she was terrified at the thought that she might have lost him.
Hector didn't know how he could ever tell her the truth. He knew that as soon as she knew, he would be the one to lose her, and he couldn't handle that.
Hector knew that he was taking advantage of her concern and care, but he couldn't bring himself to stop. He needed her touch. He needed her to light his way through the darkness. He just needed his sister.
He felt bad for being the tiniest bit relieved that she was so averse to touch. If she wasn't so sensitive to touch in general, he knew she would pick up on something being wrong, like his bearcats had. Touch always felt cold and a little shocking to Adira, so she thought nothing of it when she felt the chilling discomfort when she was in contact with Hector. He didn't know if Edmund or Quirin would be able to take it.
Hector wrapped his arms around himself. He missed his brothers. He was scared that they hadn't given him a second thought after all these years. That they wouldn't be happy to see him at all, and would just see it as a burden. There was their freaky brother again, forcing his way back into their lives when they'd long since made it clear that they didn't need or want him.
Hector clenched his teeth and buried his head in his knees. The familiar darkness was stirring within him, stronger than before. It would be far too easy to just give in and let his siblings live their lives, like they deserved to. Thunder rolled in the sky, echoing in Hector's head and making the earth shake.
"...Hector?" Adira rolled over and faced him. He groaned and cursed the skies. Of course the thunder had woken his sister. "Are you alright?"
"I can't remember the last time I was alright." Hector said. "Sorry for waking you." Even though he felt guilty, talking to Adira was already grounding him. He was relying on her far too much. He was terrified of how quickly he would lose himself if she left him.
"It's not your fault." Adira said, even though she knew by now that the storm was definitely because of him. She didn't understand why, but she was still one of the most observant people he knew. She wasn't afraid of recognizing magical and unknown elements, even if she didn't know just how it worked.
Adira sat up and gave him a concerned look. "Did you get any sleep last night?"
Hector smirked. She knew him far too well. "I got as much as I need." It was the truth, and as much as she needed to know right now. "I'm fine, sister."
Adira gave him a look of disbelief. "You're overwhelming yourself. You need to let yourself relax." She stood up and walked closer to him. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he immediately felt like he was brought back to the physical plane, if only for a moment. "You've lived your life in darkness. I know you won't let yourself move on yet, but you can at least think about it."
She gave him a soft smile. A look that she reserved only for those in her immediate circle. Hector felt his inner darkness slip away when he saw that look. He was honored to be deserving of her attention, even if he felt like he wasn't worthy of it. "Have you thought about where you're going to go when you're released from your service? What you're going to do?
Hector actually hadn't thought about it. It hadn't been worth his attention or consideration. He didn't need to know what was ahead, he just knew that it was better than what he was leaving behind. Still, maybe Adira was right, in a sense.
He may not have a lot to look forward to in the future, but that didn't mean that he couldn't let himself enjoy the present. However the future looked, he had his sister here with him now, and he wanted to take advantage of it while he could.
"There is one thing I've wanted to do." Hector said. It was something he'd never done before, but had always been curious about. Adira looked at him expectantly. Hector sighed, feeling a little ridiculous. "I've never seen the ocean."
Adira's eyes brightened. "I didn't know you wanted to see the sea. Since when?"
"For a few years." Hector said. "I just can't even imagine it. I've never seen a body of water larger than a pond." Hector looked towards the heavens. "And I remembered when Quirin would read his books to us. He said that the sea was a lot like the heavens, with depths and dangers that we can't even comprehend. And he said something about the moon having something to do with the ocean." He couldn't remember the details, but anything that had a connection to the moon was something worth thinking about.
"It's not really a life-time goal." Hector felt silly for having said anything. "It's just, you know, a thing."
"You say that like it's a bad thing." Adira said. "The things that make life worth living are the small things that we do just because we want to."
Hector warmed up at her words. "Is there an ocean on the way to Corona?"
"Not necessarily." Adira said. "There can be. It's faster to just travel on land though. At least, it is for us." There was Adira's familiar confidence. She may have left the Brotherhood, but she had just as much confidence in their skills and superiority as she ever had.
Even if it was faster to travel by land, Hector couldn't ignore his simple desire. There was an ocean at least somewhat on the way. This was probably his one and only chance to actually see it.
"Can we see the ocean?" Hector asked, feeling remarkably like a child. "We don't have to go on it, or stay for very long, I just want to see it."
Adira frowned slightly, though the look was one of confusion as opposed to disapproval. "It'll put us a few days behind. I thought you wanted to get to Corona as soon as possible. Why don't we just take a trip across the ocean after you're released from your duties? We can find a new path together."
Hector wanted to. He couldn't begin to express how much he wanted to travel with Adira and see the world, finding a new purpose for himself, but he was past that point. It was too late for him, and he knew it. He didn't have a lot of choices left in front of him, and the freedom that Adira was speaking of wasn't one of them.
"I can't, 'dira." Hector said. "I can't explain why, but I can't."
Adira stared at him, as though she was hoping that she could find the answer in his very soul. He met her gaze, and revealed nothing. Finally Adira sighed. "You're just as stubborn as ever. Fine, we'll stop by the sea, but only so I can show you what you'll be missing out on." He knew that she wanted to change his mind. He would tolerate it for now.
As long as she thought there was hope for him, she wouldn't give up on him.
It was earlier in the day than they would usually begin their travels, but they both thought that if they were awake, there was no reason to linger and wait around. They had places to be.
Hector's understanding of time was basically nonexistent. The constant storm above them even made it hard for him to even know when it was day or night. It was probably a stupid thing to lose track of, but everything felt the same to him. He didn't go through cycles of day and night. He went through cycles of clinging to Adira's side, being comfortable enough to talk about the antics they'd gotten up to as children, and drowning in his own darkness.
It felt like far too soon they approached the sea. It was an amazing sight from a distance, and completely awe-inspiring as they got closer.
It was the middle of the night as they got to the shore. There were no people or boats in sight. It was just them and the vast, seemingly endless darkness ahead of them. The sight scared Hector, but it somehow also made him feel at peace for the first time in he didn't even know how long.
"This is the ocean?" Hector said almost inaudibly. He could barely hear himself over the sound of the dark waves and strong rain. Between the dark sky and equally dark waters, Hector felt like he was looking into an endless void. It was a darkness that promised to swallow foolish souls up the second they let their guard down.
"It's…absolutely terrifying." Hector smiled to himself. "It's amazing."
"It's a little hard to appreciate the beauty in the middle of a moonless night." Adira said.
"It's not moonless." Hector said. The overcast skies may be hiding the moon, but Hector knew she was there, watching him. He could feel her presence. "She's there, watching over us, just like she always does."
It was odd. Right now he couldn't see any physical sign of the moon. All he saw was evidence of how cruel, cold, and unforgiving the night could be. Somehow though, he felt closer to the moon than he had in a long time. He felt like he was seen by her.
Hector couldn't tear his eyes away from the ocean. "Hey, 'dira, do you remember what we were taught about what happens to us when we do? What happens to the loyal souls who served the moon with everything they had?"
"...Hector." Adira's tone was concerned. "Where's this coming from?"
"It's been on my mind a lot." Hector couldn't even begin to explain how much he thought about it.
"You can't tell me you don't remember the stories." Adira said.
"I do." Hector said. "But can you tell me anyway?"
Adira sighed. "Ok. The moon can be a demanding goddess, but she's a gracious one. If someone does a favor for her, she returns it tenfold. The moon understands that it's a lot to ask for her followers to serve her all their lives. If a knight remains loyal, when they pass on she brings their soul up to reside with her in the sky. They become stars."
Hector smiled and took in the shadows before him. If he could ignore the sounds of the storm and waves, he could almost pretend that the unending darkness was the heavens above, and he was there among the stars, finally receiving his eternal reward.
It was a nice thought, but it wasn't quite perfect.
"And what if a whole group earns their reward?" Hector asked almost numbly. "What does the moon do for a family that served her?"
"...Their soul stars will be thrown into the sky, side by side with each other." Adira said. "They'll become a new constellation, and their story will be told throughout history."
Hector smiled and sat on the sand. He felt so drained, like there was nothing he'd be able to do but sit there and stare.
"I'm so tired." Hector said. It wasn't a physical fatigue, but one deep in his very being. One he'd felt for so long that he could no longer remember what it was like to feel whole. His exhaustion had been a longing for something that he felt like he could never achieve, and now he felt like he was staring right at it. It was still out of his reach, but he could get a taste, and he desperately wanted it.
Adira sat down next to him. "So rest, brother."
Hector hesitated for just a moment before he took her hand. He felt her shudder ever so slightly at the touch, but she didn't pull away, and he found comfort in the heat she offered.
Hector found himself voicing a desire that he'd had twenty years ago as he laid on the ground, slowly giving into the crippling pain, hopelessness, and loneliness.
"Don't leave me." Hector finally turned his gaze from the sea. He looked at his sister. "Will you stay by my side, at least until I'm sleeping?" Speaking the words that had pounded through his heart all those years ago felt like a burden was lifted off his soul. This time, somebody was here to hear him, and he knew she wouldn't let him down now.
Adira squeezed his hand. "I'm not going anywhere."
Satisfied with his sister's promise, Hector looked back to the unseen horizon and he let his thoughts drift, as though they were being carried away by the waves. He didn't exactly sleep that night, but for the first time in far too long, he rested and felt truly at peace.