Chapter Forty

Affection

ELSA

Elsa could feel her eyelids growing heavy as she sat by the side of Janus' bed - if it could even be called a bed. It was more of a thick cloth drawn taut by four wooden posts, that looked like something used to transport sick patients to a hospital. Not something to give to a paralysed man. Well, recovering paralytic.

After that fiasco in the courtyard of the Maine in the late afternoon, Elsa's small extraction team with Janus in tow had made it back to the Insurgency base via Tracy's Crossing Points. It still amazed her that they had managed to get out of there without being shot down. The place had literally been swarming with First Imperials.

At one point as she was pushing through the crowd to get to Janus, the frantic but rational thought had flashed through her mind that what she was attempting was courting death, but she had ignored it and pushed on through, for Janus' sake. She couldn't let him die after he had given up his standing with the Empire to save her life.

Elsa glanced worriedly at Janus again to see if he had stirred yet. Nothing. She resisted the temptation to go over to his body and feel for a pulse again. If anything, waiting around just made her increasingly paranoid that he had succumbed to his injuries, even though she knew for a fact that it wasn't going to happen.

Upon their arrival, Holli had immediately instructed that Janus be laid out on a flat surface and that she be given space to recite her incantation to begin the healing process before it was too late. As the young witch doctor had assessed, Janus was in tremendous pain, and even she didn't understand how he'd managed to hang on for so long.

Thankfully though, Holli was able to perform the healing spell successfully, and she had told an anxious Elsa that his spine was gradually aligning itself back into place and that he would be able to get back on his feet by the next morning. Elsa had breathed a sigh of relief on that note, and hadn't ceased to thank Holli repeatedly even though she constantly dismissed it as "part of her job".

Elsa had intended to sit by Janus' bed to look after him, but a thousand different things had cropped up since then. Jade's extraction team had returned with Will, to her relief. She had been so caught up with making sure that Janus was alright that Will's incarceration had periodically slipped her mind. She felt guilty about that, but then she chalked it up to faith in Jade's team that they would bring him back safely. And they had.

Then came the long planning process for the mission tomorrow morning. This one involved only a few personnel, and Elsa found herself at the centre of this one.

It wasn't like the insurgents had forced her or anything, but she had a feeling that if she involved herself, she could play an active role in ensuring that things were sped up so that she could sooner return to Arendelle to get ready for the incoming attack from General Kane and the Southern Isles. The next day's mission was a rather straightforward but risky one.

"The few of you are to infiltrate this headquarters here," Ivon had explained, jamming his finger into the map as if it had offended him, as he always did when elaborating on a plan. "The Empress is meeting with her Exonian senators tomorrow, and this is our best chance to snatch away one of them for interrogation. We were previously provided with the knowledge that the King and Queen are alive and being held prisoner somewhere, and we need to know where that is."

"Also," Ivon had glanced in Elsa's direction at this part. "Our spies informed us that they spotted runners from General Kane's army riding back towards the city. No doubt to deliver a progress report of some sort to the Consul. While you're there, you can eavesdrop on that message. After all, it concerns your own kingdom."

Elsa remembered thanking him hastily before asking to be excused. However, Charlotte had an agenda of her own to throw into the mix.

"We've also received reports from our new covert insurgents on the streets that the First Imperials are hunting us down." Charlotte had said grimly. "They know we broke their prized prisoners out and they won't allow themselves to be humiliated like that. They're coming after us with everything they got now. Doubled patrols in the streets, and their new commander has sent them into Old Town to scour every inch. It's only a matter of time before they stumble onto our new base, so we have to hurry."

So the stakes were raised. Nothing Elsa hadn't already known. After being bogged down and occupied with a few other tasks, she had finally found the time to return to Janus' room where he was resting, to look after him.

Tracy, Deirdre and the others had pointed out that there was nothing she could do to help him recuperate faster, and they were probably right. Still, Elsa felt like it would be an extremely poor way to repay his sacrifice if she just left him on his own. She owed him that much at least.

But after spending what felt like hours sitting by his bed, she had grown lethargic and felt the need to get up.

Elsa rose quietly and placed both elbows behind her head. Arching her back like a cat, she leaned backwards and pushed her elbows downwards and felt a release as audible pops could be heard up and down her body.

From the peripheral of her eyes, she saw the slightest movement, and she whirled round to catch Janus gazing at her with tired eyes. The moment he saw that she had noticed and stiffly reverted back to a less suggestive posture, he dropped his eyes guiltily.

"I'm sorry." She had to strain her ears to pick out his words.

She didn't really know what to say. To a certain extent, Elsa had always known that he had a soft spot for her even though he never really verbalised it. And now she had caught him red handed yearning for her.

"You're up." She settled for that. It was a safe move.

Janus tried to sit up. He was bare-chested and lean-muscled, his skin surprisingly tan despite the fact that he spent most of the time covered by his black leather and cloak. She'd never seen him without his mercenary outfit before, and to even get him to take his mask off seemed like trying to force a bull into a chicken's coop.

To her horror, Elsa caught herself ogling too long as well and her eyes darted away shyly.

"You shouldn't be getting up." Elsa said, putting a hand behind his back ever so gently to aid him as he grunted with the effort. "A few hours ago, your back was still…you know…shattered."

He managed to prop himself up, with Elsa's help. "That much I remember. The pain was…unbearable." He still looked a little disoriented and drowsy. "Everything after the fight was hazy."

"Your back was broken." She repeated. "Even Holli thought you ought to have given up and died at least a day ago."

"Holli? She's here?"

Elsa nodded. "She healed your back. Lie down. Please."

Janus struggled to get back into a flat position and Elsa helped him. It pained her to see him in so much pain. Was that what Tracy and the others had felt when they had seen her half dead after her encounter in the desert? It was still hard to believe that she was now on the opposite end of that exchange, having been the recovering patient only a day ago.

When he finally got back into a comfortable position, Elsa sat down and placed a gentle hand on his bare arm.

"Rest. Holli tells me you should be fully recovered by morning."

Janus looked at her curiously. "Why are you here, Elsa?"

"You mean in Denmark? I told you, I'm here to stop the Empire."

"No," Janus said. "I mean, here."

"Oh." She paused.

Ironically, more than a year ago, she had asked him the exact same question when he had found an excuse to visit her in her room back in Swynvort when she had still been under the thumb of Ingrid Grendstav.

What to tell him? She couldn't very well blurt out that she had feelings for him when he had just suffered a broken back and was about to be executed mere hours ago. It just didn't seem appropriate.

"I thought it was the right thing to do." She gave a safe answer. "You know, after you saved me and all, it would have been rude of me if I didn't make sure you were alright."

"You made sure I was alright when you saved me from execution."

"Ah." Elsa bit her lip. "I felt like that wasn't enough." She decided to turn the tables on him before he cornered her into confessing her feelings. "Can I ask you a question?"

He nodded.

"I've been wanting to know since that day in the Merchants' Bank." She began. "Why did you choose to betray the First Imperial Guard?"

"The same reason I betrayed the Pilgrim." Janus glanced at her. "They were going to kill you."

"But you warned me on the docks that if we crossed paths again, you would have no choice but to kill me."

"That was different."

"How?" Elsa probed. "And don't get me wrong, I'm glad and grateful you chose to side with us, but why? Why now?"

"It's…complicated."

"That's what you say every time." Elsa said a little crossly.

"It's the truth."

"Look, I'm sorry. This isn't the right time to be pressing you for answers." Elsa stood up. "I'm sorry. You should be resting. I'll come back in the morning."

He took her wrist. "Wait. Please."

Elsa looked at him for a moment and then sat back down quietly.

Janus contemplated for a moment and then gave a small sigh. He tried to turn his body to face Elsa. She winced as she watched him make the attempt. Somehow he succeeded.

"I'm sorry. I never should have left you alone in Swynvort and fled." Janus apologised.

"I wasn't alone, if it's any consolation now." Elsa said. "My friends were with me."

"No, that's…that's not what I meant. I should have stayed and helped. I regret that every single day."

"Well don't." Elsa smiled meekly. "Though I wished you wouldn't have fled. I often wondered about where you went."

Janus looked like some bad memories had flashed across his mind at her statement.

"After I escaped Swynvort," Janus said quietly in his smooth baritone voice which was far less threatening than the low mechanical one his mask produced. "A few of the men followed me into the forest. Most of them died trying to make it out alive."

Here he paused for a while. "I went back to my hometown where I first became a mercenary. Bruvesqk. I felt like I needed to get as far away from Swynvort as possible."

"Why?"

"To forget about everything." He answered. "Everything that happened over the last three years. A couple of months later, I took this job to assassinate a political target. A witness."

Elsa looked at Janus as he shifted uncomfortably as if something about the story he was about to tell had planted some deep seated guilt within him.

"Only when I got to the target, I realised it was a nine year old girl whose parents had been murdered. Her name was Winter." Janus looked disturbed. "The client had hired me to kill a child without telling me."

"What happened?" Elsa probed.

"I abandoned my mission and tried to protect her. I managed to hide her for a while." Janus said. "She helped me to realise that I could make the right decision. To be more than just a hired killer. She saw the good in me."

"It was something she said," Janus continued. "She said that in her books, since I saved her, I was one of the good guys. It didn't matter to her who I was before, but who I was when I decided to save her. For a moment, I was beginning to think that I could be someone else. And then she was killed."

Elsa was alarmed when his voice seemed to crack a little. "I'm sorry." She whispered soothingly.

"My client sent more mercenaries and assassins to finish the job." Janus' voice stabilised. "And I wasn't good enough to protect her."

"It's not your fault," Elsa protested. "I'm sure you did everything you could."

"But it wasn't enough," Janus went on. "And so I reverted to my old instincts and I killed them. The mercenaries, the assassins, the client. I killed them all."

Elsa realised that he had ceased eye contact with her, probably out of guilt.

"After burying Winter, I made a promise to her. I resolved to try to be a better man. After all, only two people have ever looked past the killer I was to see something better in me. You and Winter. I figured I owed you both that much to try." Janus continued. "And so I did. I tried, believe me, but the guilt, it never left. Like Swynvort, the only way I knew how to lock up the guilt was to bury it deep and to go back again to what I'm best at. Being a mercenary."

"I'm sorry." Elsa could feel her eyes water. She couldn't have imagined that he had been through so much hell after Swynvort. It must have been heart wrenching to see that girl die under his watch.

"And so I poured myself into my work. Ignored the cries from my conscience, shut off all personal emotions, and it worked. Until I saw you again down at the docks." He gave her a weak smile.

"Me?"

"Seeing you again made me realise that I had lost sight of my promise to Winter. That I could be a better man if I tried. I hadn't, and I felt like this was my second chance, since you were here. If I couldn't save Winter, then maybe I could save you."

"Oh."

"That's why I couldn't let them kill you." Janus finished quietly. "I'm sorry it took me this long to finally do the right thing."

"No, no." Elsa placed her hand on his cheek. He flinched ever so slightly at the touch of her icy cold hand. "Don't apologise. What matters is that you came through in the end. You saved us. You saved me."

"Didn't stop Dolan from taking you all into custody."

She sighed. "I guess not."

"What happened to you after the fight?" Janus asked weakly. "Did they hurt you?"

"No, they left me alone mostly." Elsa pursed her lips.

There was a short silence as Janus stared at her with his tired eyes. "My training as a mercenary included interrogation, you know."

Was her ability to fib that terrible? She exhaled in resignation.

"If you must know," she caved. "I was tortured before Tracy showed up to rescue me."

"By who?" she heard anger and indignation in his voice, though still weak.

"The Consul. Hans."

"You're on a first name basis with him?"

"He's just an old enemy. Two years ago he tried to kill me and my sister almost died too because of him." Elsa bit her lip at the horrid memory.

"What did he do to you?" Janus somehow sounded both weak and fierce at the same time. "Did he hit you?"

"Yes." She rubbed her arms. Telling him her grievances wasn't going to help him recover any faster, so why was she burdening him with this upsetting information? But she really did feel better when she shared her trauma with someone, and he did care about her.

Did he…take advantage of you?"

Elsa shook her head and hugged herself. "Worse, actually. He did hit me, but his torture plan was far more cruel. He used the Empress' magic to teleport me out into some desert, and then threatened to shoot my legs if I didn't follow him."

"He wanted to dehydrate you?"

Shivering at the thought, she nodded. "He wanted me to die a slow, painful death. And so I was forced to walk for miles and miles without food and water for hours while he rode comfortably on his horse. My skin was dry, parched and crackly."

Elsa stretched out her forearm and rolled up the sleeve a little for him to see, only to remember that Holli had done a good job with her spell and every physical trace of torture was gone. The only part that existed that wouldn't leave anytime soon was the psychological effects.

She withdrew her arm and rolled down her sleeve. "It was horrible. I collapsed but he wouldn't let me rest. He splashed water on me to rejuvenate me just so that he could prolong my suffering for a few hours longer." Elsa shuddered and her voice cracked a little. "It came to a point where I just wanted to die a quick death out there."

"He'll pay for it." Janus growled softly. "I'll make sure of it."

"I doubt you'll be able to get your hands on him." Elsa said, rubbing her arms again, relieved that her little storytelling session was over. "He's too cunning and slippery."

"We'll see about that." Janus said dangerously. "He won't get away with abusing you the way he did."

"Look, I appreciate your chivalry. I really do, Janus." Elsa said gratefully. Beneath the mask of a mercenary, he really was a man of valor and she could see why the young girl he had spoken of would trust him to protect her. "But don't get into any more unnecessary fights. You saw what happened when you got into a fight with Kane."

"I thought I could handle him."

"That's another thing," Elsa frowned, her tone reminiscent of a schoolmaster lecturing a truant schoolboy. "What were you thinking, rushing into a fight with General Kane? Were you trying to get yourself killed?"

"I wanted to secure your release." Janus sounded the slightest bit sheepish. "I thought I could beat him. But he was…stronger and faster than I thought."

"Me too. I really thought you would beat him." Elsa paused momentarily. "Believe it or not, I fought him before. With the Warriors."

"Really?"

She then recounted the story of how the Warriors had come together for the first time because of Kane's threat to mankind, and every time she thought he'd nodded off into unconsciousness, she looked up to realise he was still attentively listening to her, albeit he was quiet. He looked increasingly impressed and intrigued by the story, though it only showed ever so subtly on his well-controlled features.

"You were sure he was dead?"

Elsa nodded and breathed out a long breath. "But he's back somehow. Magic most likely. And now he's stronger, more ruthless than ever. I didn't think he would break your back."

"Me neither." Janus said, and Elsa couldn't tell if he was trying his hand at humour. "But I did what I had to."

"Janus, you could have been killed."

"But I wasn't," He closed his eyes. "Thanks to you."

"I guess we're even then." Elsa leaned forward gradually, one hand resting against the bed beside his limp arm. "I'm glad you're on our side now, Janus. I'm…proud of you." Then to her horror, she realised what she was trying to do and withdrew back sharply, her mouth gaping open slightly. As she moved backward in haste, she clumsily knocked over her chair. It resulted in a loud sound causing her to jump and almost swear out loud.

"What's wrong?" Janus opened his eyes.

"Nothing." She lied, trying to maintain her cool even though her mind felt like it was about to explode.

What was I thinking? She cursed at herself. Romantic attraction was something new to her, but this impulse was utterly inexcusable. Her lips had been a hair's width away from his, though thankfully he had been blissfully unaware in his groggy state. And she had almost made contact too, before her mind had come to its senses and sounded the alarm that she was making a terrible move.

Elsa's cheeks flushed hot with embarrassment, and she blinked several times, still unable to believe what she had almost done. She had always prided herself on being a reserved individual, more than the rest of her friends anyway, and was usually apprehensive when it came to new things or new ideas which simply meant that she was more analytical and cautious in most situations. And yet what she had just tried to do had broken out of the norm, shattering her judgement of herself into a million pieces.

A kiss? Really? Was she really that desperate? Or was she simply just damaged? Elsa could feel her head swirling as she tried to reconcile the image of the girl she had always known she was with the one who had almost placed a kiss on the half-conscious mercenary's lips. What was wrong with her? Gawking at Janus, she ran a hand through her hair and felt like screaming at herself.

"Something's wrong, Elsa." Even though he was half awake, he was still somewhat alarmingly perceptive. "Are you alright?"

"Y-yes, yes, I'm fine." She managed a squeak, painfully aware that she was stuttering and making her case worse. Get yourself together, Elsa!

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm totally fine. Why wouldn't I be?" she babbled, hoping that she sounded convincing at least in the slightest. "You should probably get some rest." She said hastily, backpedaling away from the bed. "I've been disturbing you for too long. Sorry."

"You could stay here with me," Janus offered. "I don't mind the company."

"No!" Elsa blurted out a little louder than she would have liked, and she immediately wanted to curl up on the floor and vanish out of sight. "I mean, I think you'll be better off without anyone disturbing your sleep. I'll come back in the morning to check on you again. Good night, Janus. Rest well."

She bolted out of the room before he could get another word in, and shut the door behind her as quickly and as quietly as she could, breathing hard and fast. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest, and she placed one hand over it, rather sure that Janus could hear it from where he laid inside the room.

Elsa shook her head and her eyes began to water uncontrollably to her annoyance. Whatever happened to conceal, don't feel, don't let it show? As she leaned against the door, she angrily crushed the heels of her palms against her now damp eyes and cursed at herself again. Damn it. Furious tears streamed down her face helplessly and she suppressed her sniffles in fear of someone hearing and venturing over to find out what was wrong. What the hell is wrong with me?

Author's Commentary:

This chapter sort of ties into Book 2.5, the spinoff focused on Janus. But he summarises what happened during that period of time after Book 2, but do check out Book 2.5 when you have the time :)

Also, that romantic tension between Elsa and Janus? That was so much fun to write. I'm new to writing romance, really, so this is new territory for me.

And on a side note, at the time of this post, I am close to the end of writing Book 4, the sequel to this current story. I'm pretty excited about where this series is going, as this story is sort of meant to be the first in something I'm calling "The Empire Trilogy". Hope you'll all follow me on this journey :)