Summary: She finally got the peaceful life she wanted. But without Eren in it, Mikasa found herself counting the days till she could be by his side again. Post-Rumbling. Spoilers for chp 139.
Disclaimer: AOT belongs to Isayama. I'm just borrowing his stuff for fun.
A/N: I thought the ending was perfect. If you know, you know.
Shiganshina outskirts - 857
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The grass in the field waved gently in the mid-afternoon breeze. In the distance, children could be heard laughing as they ran through the streets of Shiganshina. Fleecy clouds drifted overhead, the sky a clear blue, the sun smiling on the citizens below as it performed its eternal march across the heavens.
But the beauty of the early summer day was lost on the tall figure trudging up the hill to the old tree that stood in the center. Mikasa Ackerman clutched four white roses in her slim hand. Her long skirt swished as she made her way to the headstone situated at the base of the tree.
Life had been much simpler and happier with her, Armin and Eren playing and protecting each other from everything life had thrown their way during their childhood. Mikasa found herself fiercely wishing for those days back a lot more than she was willing to admit. At least Eren was still alive in them. He filled her days with vibrant colors and sounds. He made the world more beautiful just by existing in it.
Now her world was dull, flat and boring. She was simply going through the motions, waiting for someone who would never grace the inside of her small cabin or her bed on long, lonely nights.
If Eren had been around to see what became of his sacrifice, he'd scold her for becoming such a pathetic husk of the strong, powerful soldier she'd once been. And she'd let him do it because at least he'd be alive and strong and not a decapitated head buried six feet under-
Mikasa shook her head to clear her thoughts as she took a seat next to Eren's grave, placing the flowers before his headstone.
In the three years after the Battle of Heaven and Earth, Mikasa hardly paid any heed to the seasons as they walked by her door. Or the peace talks that fluctuated between gaining ground and not making any progress at all, despite the fact Armin was an expert wordsmith and skilled with the diplomacy her Eren never possessed.
She didn't envy the Global Alliance ambassadors. She was never cut out for diplomacy. From her parents' brutal murder by traffickers to the day she'd been forced to kill the love of her life to stop the Rumbling, violence was Mikasa's constant companion.
Not by choice though. She'd only joined the military and later the Survey Corps because Eren was there. Fighting was all she knew.
If the world was less cruel, her parents would be alive. She'd be a normal, well-adjusted person. And she would've married Eren and happily bore his children and passed her Azumabito crest down to them.
But it wasn't and here she was. Sitting under the old tree on that hill while the world attempted to move on from the Rumbling. Behaving like a widow mourning her husband.
I might as well be, she thought, her shattered heart constricting painfully as it had done the moment her ultrahard steel blade sliced through Eren's neck on that horrible day.
She barely remembered her long journey back to Shiganshina with Eren's head cradled protectively in her arms. She did however, remember weeping bitter tears as she buried what was left of her love in the dirt beneath the old tree where they'd spent their childhood, taking the greatest care his grave was deep enough so nothing could disturb his eternal sleep.
Eren, I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me, she'd wailed between soul-wracking sobs upon returning to Shiganshina after leaving Fort Salta before anyone had been the wiser. Forgive me dearest, for being a coward and calling you family when you were always my most beloved. Please! Take me back! Without thinking she'd started pounding the grass, tears streaming even faster down her delicate face, soaking the dirt of Eren's freshly dug grave. Take me back! I want to go back to that night! Please! Let me give you the answer you always deserved!
Silence greeted her frantic pleas and eventually, the young woman collapsed over Eren's final resting place, exhaustion overtaking her weary body as she cried herself to sleep.
After that, she erected walls thicker than the ones that once kept Paradis cut off from the rest of the world around her fragile heart. Ones that no man would be able to tear down as long as she lived.
It belonged only to Eren. Her most beloved. And she would give it to him the moment she died and gained her wings of freedom.
Mikasa stifled a sob into the worn, red scarf as she laid the roses in front of Eren's grave. There she gazed out over the sprawling town of Shiganshina that was slowly merging with other villages now that the Walls were no more.
In some ways, she still couldn't believe the sight before her. Shiganshina without the Walls was absolutely breathtaking. Especially from her vantage point under that tree on the hill that'd become her home away from home.
The Walls are really gone. There are no more Titans. No one else will go through that hell anymore. Fresh tears welled up in her grey eyes. Mikasa let them trickle down her pale cheeks. She wished for the hundredth time, Eren was there to wipe them away. She placed a gentle hand on the headstone, reading the inscription she'd engraved on it.
Here forever
Rest peacefully
My most beloved, my dear
854
Her love confession.
Her true feelings.
What she wanted to say to Eren that night in Marley if her courage hadn't failed her.
'Mikasa. What am I to you?'
'You're…family.'
Tears flowed faster now. Mikasa buried her wet face into her knees, agonizing sobs racking her body.
Why?
WHY?
WHY did I say that?!
You stupid, stupid, STUPID girl! Why couldn't you tell him how you felt?!
To this day, she regretted not throwing her arms around Eren's neck and kissing him like she almost did in that field where Mr. Hannes had been devoured by the Smiling Titan. If she could rewind time and go back to that critical moment, she'd be brave.
Tell him he was her most beloved, her dear and not carve those precious words on a cold, unfeeling stone where their recipient was no longer alive to hear them.
It was a fitting punishment. Her greatest failure would glare at her from that headstone and she would willingly submit to its censuring gaze for the rest of her life. Her sobs slowed but the heartache remained. No one was coming to comfort her. When she wasn't spending her time sitting under the tree next to her lover's grave, she made sure her days were filled with busy work.
Some days - okay most days - she worked till exhaustion, hoping it would be enough to tire her body to where she'd simply fall into a deep sleep. One where she wouldn't be accosted by ghosts of her dead friends, her lover, her adopted mother or her parents.
Nights were the worst. Mikasa had lost count of how many times she'd screamed herself awake after nightmares covered in cold sweats, hands instinctively groping for Eren in the dark, only to end up with fistfuls of sheets. His side of the bed was glaringly empty. She was cold, both body and mind and the man she loved wasn't there to thaw her frozen soul. She grabbed the scarf off the nightstand and wrapped it around her neck.
Instantly, Mikasa felt her heart begin to calm and the shakes subside. After that, she vowed to never remove the scarf unless she was bathing or it was too hot outside to bear it. Even then, she would find a way to keep it close. She felt naked and exposed if she didn't have it on her.
She hated waking up to an empty bed.
She hated cooking for one.
And sometimes, the cozy, wooden cabin she'd built not far from the tree on that hill caused a heavy weight to settle on Mikasa's spirit. She'd based much of the home's design on the mountain cabin she'd shared with Eren in the Paths. She found herself returning to that place in her dreams often, where Eren was tall, strong and alive.
She remembered every detail of that cabin in the tall mountains with that open field, flowers blue sky and Eren chopping wood while she sat on the bench in front of the house and watched.
She was determined to remember every detail of Eren, from the ties on his long-sleeved shirt, gorgeous, striking green eyes, dark hair cropped short - her favorite look on him - to his strong, solid body and his masculine scent that reminded her of woods and ocean spray.
She wanted to stay in that place, safely wrapped in Eren's arms forever. She never wanted him to let go.
Even as he insisted she throw her scarf away - throw him away - like a piece of trash she couldn't bring herself to do it. When the matter was about him regarding his well-being, she'd never listened to his insistence that he didn't need her to protect him. She didn't back then and she wasn't going to start now. She would disobey his last wish, and she knew he wouldn't stop her. He had said to her and the others that they were free and he would take nothing away from them.
Freedom.
This scarf was her engagement ring and her 'I'm sorry. I can't" her wedding vows. She would remain faithful and loyal to Eren for the rest of her days, even though he wouldn't be there to share them with her-
She finally got the peaceful life she wanted.
But without Eren in it, Mikasa found herself counting the days till she could be by his side again.
I froze. Again. And it cost me. Eren's dead. My most beloved is DEAD. The world was nearly destroyed. And it's all MY FAULT.
The first time she froze, her parents were murdered before her eyes. The second time was worse. Much, much worse. 80% of the world had been trampled and she'd been forced to take the life of the only man who made this cruel, beautiful world worth a damn living in.
She'd foolishly, oh so foolishly called him family when he'd been nothing of the sort for a very long time.
Eren, please forgive me. She thought, grief flooding her mind and body once again. I shouldn't have let you carry that burden alone. My shoulders were strong. Were they not strong enough? Was I not trustworthy enough for you to entrust your deepest secrets to? I meant what I said in the Paths. I would've gladly helped bear the weight of your sins if it meant I could bring you home.
But that was neither here nor there.
He had made his choice, as had they.
And now, sitting against the rough bark of that tree on the hill, Mikasa realized the agonizingly painful truth too late.
Eren never fully recovered after Sasha's death. The sight of her best friend bleeding out on the floor of that airship haunted her dreams at night. Sure, the raid on Liberio was a smashing success but it had come with an excessively high personal cost to all of them.
Sasha's death had a domino effect that caused those who knew and loved her the most, a pain that she wouldn't wish on her worst enemy. The only good that came from it was Marley and Paradis coming together to stop the Rumbling.
But the cost was too high for Mikasa. She bore the brunt of it in her soul, her mind and spirit. Killing Eren left a scar so deep and gaping it would never fully heal no matter how much time passed. It destroyed any chance of her moving on with someone else – even though that's what Eren would've wanted – and told her as much in front of their cabin they'd shared in the Paths.
Please Mikasa. When I die…throw this scarf away and forget about me. Please.
She remembered pulling the scarf from where she secretly wrapped it around her waist after taking it from a dying Louise and tied it around her neck with purpose.
I'm sorry. I can't.
And she wouldn't. She owed it to herself and Eren. As long as she was alive, she'd preserve his memories of the man he was before everything went sideways and she lost her one and only chance at happiness that night in Marley-
She shook her head. Long, silky black strands danced at the movement. Enough wallowing. Today was a special day.
"Eren," she said softly. "Everyone's coming to see you." Mikasa laid a soft, gentle hand on the top of her lover's headstone, several fresh flowers at its base. "Isn't that nice?"
With a partly sunny sky and gentle breeze, it was indeed a nice day for anything. When she received Armin's letter a few days ago telling her the Ambassadors were coming to visit, it sent her into a cleaning frenzy. She prayed her cabin was presentable enough to entertain her friends should they feel the need to crash for however long they desired.
She hoped they would stay for as long as their duties permitted them.
Tears suddenly welled up in her grey eyes. A wet sob escaped without her permission and Mikasa instinctively covered her mouth to stifle it.
But she might as well have tried to stop the rain, for the sobs kept pouring from her throat. Her broken heart ached and her spirit groaned under the weight of eternal grief.
Eren, oh Eren, I'm so sorry….Eren I love you, my most beloved….I need you so badly….I want you here with me….
"I….want to see you again," Mikasa whispered, eyes and cheeks soaked with tears. It was selfish, but she didn't care. She wanted Eren back so badly it hurt.
She wanted to feel his strong arms around her, chasing away the nightmares as he'd always done since they were children all those years ago after the death of her parents and Dr. Jaeger had kindly taken her into his family's home. She found herself attaching to his wife Carla right away, the kind but firm woman becoming the mother figure she'd so violently lost. Except for the nightmares that plagued her mind, Mikasa took to her new family like a duck to water.
Until Reiner and Bertolt had arrived at Wall Maria, kicked down the gates on That Day and upended her life yet again.
It had put Eren on a blood-soaked, vengeful path that ended with him trampling 80% of the outside world. His actions - while understandable - had sundered him from her and the rest of their tiny group forever.
She wanted to hear his strong voice loudly and passionately declaring he'd kill all the Titans from the world.
She wanted to hear him shout and swear and even headbutt her if it meant he was alive and she could be by his side.
Even his insults would be welcomed. Anything to break the terrible silence that grew louder with each and every passing day. The void his brash, fiery presence had left behind was becoming unbearable. Mikasa knew she'd taken Eren's life, his warmth for granted when he was alive.
She wished she'd answered the calls of her body as a woman and not a childhood friend with Eren when it really mattered.
But now it was too late. She'd have to wait until after she died to act on her desires.
Suddenly, a flash of white across her vision snapped the grieving young woman out of her dark spiraling thoughts. Mouth agape, she watched in shock as a large, white bird held the end of her red scarf in its beak.
What? She hadn't even felt it fall off-
Before she could react, the bird quickly dropped the end of the scarf over her shoulder and flew away just as quickly as it appeared.
Mikasa stood and walked a few paces over to get a glimpse of the bird, hand clasped over the last piece of Eren she had left. For the first time since he died, the young woman felt a smile curve her full lips.
"Eren," she whispered, never taking her gaze off the bird who was soaring higher into the sky with each beat of its wings. "Thank you for wrapping this scarf around me."
She knew it was him, attempting to console her through the only animal that represented ultimate freedom.
He'd kept his promise with wrapping the scarf around her.
And she loved him even more because of it.
Wait for me Eren. Once I'm done living a long life like you wanted, I'll be in your arms. And nothing will ever separate us ever again.
Mikasa smiled as she resumed her vigil.
She would keep an eternal watch over his grave until death released her from the world.
And then.
She would finally be with Eren.
Forever by his side where she belonged.
-END
A/N: Well fam, we got Eremika but not the way we wanted it. Yams really had to go and make them the most tragic couple in the show, didn't he?
I hope you enjoyed this little piece. Let me know what y'all think!