Finally, I decided to take more time for Nagito. We watched a few movies together and discussed them. I often watch movies because it helps me learn a language quickly and it portrays a culture quite accurately most of the time. I still have to choose well. Nagito has a good sense of deduction, so debating with him is always interesting, but he usually gives more value to my opinion than his own. He is also very picky when it comes to choosing a movie. He always makes sure there are no plane or realistic catastrophes involved. But for some reason he doesn't mind zombies and stuff like that. I don't really mind either because I don't like when movies show graphic content. When it's not realistic, I can't believe it and I even find it funny sometimes. We usually have a good time. And it's nice to have another point of view to be more open-minded. That's something necessary in my case. I need to be as open-minded as possible and consider every possibility and point of view.
I think I was working more efficiently recently. Probably thanks to him. He brought me something I didn't have before. I always rationalise everything, but reason has its limit. Nagito can be way beyond reason. I can't always predict what he is thinking.
I always wanted to make this world a better place. Ease the pain for everyone. That is why I took the job of fixing conflicts all over the world. Usually they start from a misunderstanding, so all I had to do was find the source of the conflict, clarify a few points and come up with the best arrangement between the two sides. If people could feel more empathy and try to understand each other, many conflicts, wars and a lot of misery would be avoided. That is why I do my best to help people understand each other. That is my purpose, and I used my feeling of empathy as my willpower. But it was a bit contradictory that I had so much empathy to use but all this time I was on my own. I never had any bond. Nothing would ever last, everything would always change so quickly. I couldn't afford to be attached to anything. So I had to find a way to use all this empathy. That is why I was so devoted to my work. I had to keep myself busy to not feel lonely. But I was lonely. I never understood what this devotion was about. Now I know. Now I know it was not passion. Passion involves love and happiness. It's something I have never known. Until now. Now I actually enjoy doing things. I use the word "things" to remain quite generic. Because I am talking about studying, working, and exchanging with people… I enjoy everything. My purpose has remained the same and I believe that it won't change, but I feel different. I feel happy. Maybe it is what I was looking for?
I think I spent too much time thinking, Nagito had time to fall asleep next to me. He seems very peaceful even though his mouth is wide open. I should maybe wake him up. I feel bad doing that, but I have to. He can't sleep here, I only have a single bed and I was planning on using it. I shake him very gently. No reaction. I shake him but I'm not gentle at all this time. He jumps.
"Ah! I fell asleep!"
"I noticed. I woke you up because you would be better off in your bed. And so would I, it is quite late."
"Yeah you are right… Good night then."
"Good night."
You were always so kind to me. And I failed you. I failed Hope. I will make it up to you soon.