A/N: There are no excuses for me to have taken this long to finish this except adult life getting in my way. Although, in my defense, I hadn't realized it'd been this long. I know, I suck. Anyways, I hope there are people out there who will still enjoy this after so long. Thanks in advance for reading and if you're feeling generous, I love when people leave comments.
xXxXx
You could not step twice into the same river. Everything changes and nothing stands still.
As the glass shattered, all hell broke loose. The clones swarmed over, attacking them all around.
They both wished it to end but kept on fighting tooth and nail, like they always have. Even though they were two against a horde, they would win through, as long as they fought systematically and didn't lose focus. Nonetheless, they soon realized it wasn't going to be that simple, not when they had to endure the influx of unwanted memories constantly thrusting them.
Using a fighting move from Gambit's extensive inventory, Rogue kicked a Remy golem right in the chest. "Heads up, Cajun. Fake you incoming."
Gambit looked up and cut the golem open with his bow staff. "And now… outgoing" he said. "Thanks to the super strength of yours I absorbed" he said as he braced himself for the moment of pure pain. He couldn't stop but let out an agonizing scream.
"Remy…" she started to say. He no longer liked the way his name sounded when it came out of her lips. "Ah've gotten a lot better at not taking people's memories an' emotions when Ah borrow their powers. But Ah can't help getting flashes…"
She kept babbling, clueless about everything else but her own feelings. He wondered when she became that egoistical; perhaps that's how she had always been, but he was too in love to see it.
Was he any better, though? After all, it was he who had been fighting side by side with her, pretending things were just fine, giving her all support and advising, like a fucking best friend.
"Thanks. See you later" she said.
What gave her the right to speak so casually with him?
"Reckon I need to be alone for a while" she said as if it weren't crystal clear. She must peg him for a fool, he thought. His fault anyway. Rogue had turned him into a spineless idiot.
There she was leaving him again with a mere wave of her hand like it meant nothing to her. There he was pathetically watching her leave again. Being on the same team meant that would happen again the next day, and the next. He went out to drink with Frenzy that evening but couldn't go past a kiss. Back in the day they had gone to bed in every break they had while working together, just for fun, but now, he just about freaked out after a fucking kiss. He was not himself anymore. He didn't like who he had become. He was getting more and more convinced that it was time for him to go home.
Gambit held his head as he came to it. His forehead painfully throbbing. "That experience is not gon' get any less unpleasant, is it?"
"I'm afraid not" said Rogue as the tulpas kept on swarming around them. She threw a punch at a scarcely clad Rogue and then a kick to the face of another. "You see where Lavish got off to in this chaos?"
"Non!" his bo staff hit one of his on the back of the neck.
She noticed something urgent in his voice. "Remy… you all right?"
"I'm fine" his voice was tough, though. "Jus' that memory I reabsorbed… it's one I woulda rather left behind" better wear it off as he fought than to keep ruminating until he made himself miserable, he figured.
"I hear ya" she answered back, her heart heavy. She saw a fist nearing, dodged in the nick of time. Instead of punching the tulpa into pieces, she held onto it from behind. "Wish there was a way to get everything good back, and leave the bad behind."
He shot at her, surprised as one of him and three of her fell to the strength and swiftness of his bo. "That's why you're holding back, Rogue?"
She tried to say something, to deny, but couldn't. She was holding back. She didn't want to have all those memories back. Not only of the times he hurt her, but first and foremost the remorse and pain of the times she hurt him, for if she was going to be honest with herself, the scale dipped to her side.
"I get it, chère. You think maybe you can win the day without taking it all back. Without taking back your full powers, without taking back all de memories… I've thought de same myself. But I don't think it's an option."
"I know" she said but there was still hesitation in her voice. She knew Gambit was right but her fear spoke volumes. Then she spotted the doctor. "Remy, you got enough power to hold your own for a minute?"
"You taking a time-out?"
"Not quite. I have an idea."
"I got you, girl" he kept on punching and kicking and pushing. "Do what you gotta do."
She walked away from the fight without looking over her shoulders once. She knew for a fact Gambit would hold them. "You been wearing one a' these from the first day we met, doc" she shot as she yanked away the doctor's scarf to reveal a thick scar around her neck. "It's a bit odd. Let's see what you're hiding."
"I… she… we… we haven't…" the woman babbled but Rogue didn't give her a chance.
"… had time to repair this crack? Yes, I think I understand perfectly 'Dr. Grand'. Sorry about this, but you're a golem like all the rest."
Without a second hesitation, Rogue punched the golem, which shattered into pieces around her fist. The ghost that held the memories flew out of the creature right into Rogue, who screamed in agony as her hands tried to cover her ears, like she always did, although it never remedied the pain.
Rogue saw everything: how the girl that was doctor Grand sucked people's bad memories, how in pain she created another of her to carry the weight, how that was the way she found out about her mutant abilities.
"I'm sorry, Charmaine" Rogue whispered as the golem's pieces dissipated to nothingness.
"Rogue!" Gambit called. "I need you!"
As a tulpa of her jumped at her, Rogue grabbed it by the neck. "I've absorbed some of Lavish's powers through the Charmain golem… I know what we have to do" as that one Rogue disintegrated, the real Rogue moaned as her face distorted.
"Now dat's what I'm talking 'bout" Gambit said with a smirk as he fell to the ground, under the creatures' feet. "You guys are dead meat."
"Tear them apart" they heard Lavish cry as she arrived with her army of golems. "Leave nothing left of them, my pets. I don't even care about their powers. It's not worth it."
At that point, though, Rogue was burning with power. "I'm afraid you're way too late, Lavish. This is the story of my life. It always comes down to taking power" as she spoke, all the replicas around started to crack; the memories they held poured into her. "Maybe this time, at least, I can also give some back when all is said and done, but you, Lavish, you picked the wrong mutant to steal from."
When Rogue was done with her absorption, she had turned into an amalgam of powers. Her skin was metal, her eyes pink, there were wings sticking out of her back, horns out of her head, pikes out of her arms, left hand in fire, her body levitating.
"But don't worry" she reassured Lavish, who was down to her knees, in a defeated position. "I won't take enough to kill ya, even though ya might deserve it after what you've done to these people."
"It's… it's not my fault" the woman cried. "You can't absorb what I've absorbed and not go mad… to not have it change you… you can't take in so much trauma, so much of everyone else's trash, and not be corrupted."
Rogue's face features shifted slightly, it almost resembled empathy. "As I said… you're talking to the wrong mutant if that's your play… then again, I supposed I do understand you, more than most ever could. I also believe in mercy and redemption… for myself and for others, and it's gonna save your life today."
The word 'no' fell from the woman's lips as she disintegrated.
"Incredible" Gambit said as he was back to his feet. "She's a golem, too… do you think she was one all along? Did we ever meet the real Lavish?"
"I… I don't know" Rogue replied, not really knowing if she was speaking out loud or only inside her head. Gambit's voice sounded like an echo coming from a distance, even though he was now standing next to her.
"Can't decide if it's more terrifying if she got away on our watch or that she was never here… that it was just a golem behind all this all along" as he took his eyes off the ashes of what had been Lavish, he looked at Rogue. She had the most despairing expression on her face. "Rogue, you all right?"
She looked at him, with eyes glowing pink and empty – there were no more pupils, no more scleras, no green irises – as her face sunk even further in despair. "No… it's- it's too much" her voice broke, her eyes teary. "Remy…" her saying his name was a cry for help. She was about to fall to her knees and disappear in pain. He was the only beacon of light in the well of darkness she was trapped in, as if those people, whose powers were inside of her, were lurking in the dark, aiming to turn her into shadow.
"Chère, stay wit' me…" he reached for her "don't lose yourself in it."
"I'm trying, Remy… it was so fast. And so much trauma, it's all front-loaded with pain. So much pain" the sound of her words oscillated between murmuring and pitching.
"I know" he held her shoulders, peering into her eyes, his voice soothing. "But start small. Give mine back to me. Let it go and we'll return the rest bit by bit until you're yourself again. I'll stay wit' you every second. Always" his voice so low, so familiar, reassuring and affectionate. Then his lips touched hers, and their softness reminded her of all the other kisses they had shared and she believed she could be herself again. She was herself when she was with him, despite mind control, despite others' abilities, she felt like herself in his arms. She was close to understating what unconditional love meant – it was what all those kisses had in common. Those kissing made the experience of reliving the painful memories bearable.
Memories poured into them mercilessly. All full of anguish, suffering, hurting, resentfulness, and remorse.
If time is a circle, then everything happens at once. Now. Before. Always.
It was just another mission, and if the X-Men knew anything about missions was that they were as unpredictable as they come. It was sudden, the whole team was hit by a tidal wave of unreality in which their minds, their bodies, and perhaps even their spirits became malleable, susceptible to torments of an unimaginable nature. At one point they were close to ceasing to exist as human beings.
Each one of them reacting differently from one another.
Gambit, on his turn, was on fire, his whole body burning, and he still sought her out. His right hand stretching out to her.
Rogue saw the ball of fire fighting to get nearer. Her fractured mind remained clear and fixed on one thought: if that was how it was going to end, instant old age in a living nightmare, she would be damned if she was going down without one last touch.
She reached out for his hand and their fingers brushed. His hand immediately stopped burning.
"Remy?"
"Rogue? What's happening?" the desperation is his voice was unprecedented. "I'm on fire, how—"
"It's us, Remy… us" as she pulled him to her, his flames were put out. "Don't think. Don't try to be logical. Just look at me and feel, Remy" she held him in her arms. "Feel!"
They were regurgitated through a portal. As they lay on the ground, face down, all cuts and bruises, hearing their teammates worried voices asking them questions, all they could do was look at each other's faces as they held hands, thankful they were safe and together.
It was Christmas time and snowing. He hated the cold, hated the stupid skating rink. He was trying his best to stay nonchalant, something that came naturally to him before, now it felt like he had to use every ounce of his being to put up that façade. He hated that Joseph was there, hated his obvious intentions and expectations towards Rogue, the girl who was supposed to be his.
He didn't want to admit to himself that his ego was hurt. That's why he pretended he didn't notice her standing closer to him, her sliding him hopeful glances as she brushed Joseph off, neither did he look her in the face when she leaned towards him slightly as if trying to warm herself up in his warmth.
She spoke hesitantly. "Ah was thinking, Remy, we could go somewhere warm, just the two of us."
He all but glimpsed at her. She looked so beautiful with her hair up in a bun, a choker on her long milky neck and red lips.
"Sorry, mon amie. Other plans."
Her face went pale, hope turned into disappointment. "But… Remy, Ah hoped… Ah mean… Ah thought…"
"Merci, anyway, chère" he said as he walked away, brushing off her anger. "Besides, Rogue, poppa always taught me: 'three's a crowd…'"
Her eyes avoided his as he looked at her face. He knew how to read her so damn well it felt like he had known her for years.
The look on your face, he thought to himself, reveals a lot 'bout the passion in your soul. I know in times like this it best to leave you alone an' let you work it out for yourself… Don't mean I gotta like it, though.
He wanted to hold her so bad, to comfort her, to say everything was going to be okay. He wondered if she would ever let him.
Her eyes fixed on the fire, the sound of the wood crackling, the warmth emanating from it; a different kind of warmth coming from him, next to her, but never close enough. They had just fought Assassins of the Guild, and gotten the best of them. They settled on a campfire to spend the night, to plan their next move.
Gambit kept babbling on as he did sometimes. Maybe that was his mechanism to handle with the impossibility of touching her, just as hers was to curl up into a ball. But that was not enough, never enough.
"Remy?" her voice was tiny, almost afraid. She was still getting used to calling him by his real name since Gambit was more impersonal and safe.
"Yeah, chère?" his voice, unlike hers, was sweet and welcoming as he turned to see her face.
She looked back at him, her eyes sad, her eyelids heavy, her heart hurting for so many reasons.
"Hold me" she said, although it sounded more like a question, like she was scared of the possibility of his saying no, for nobody touched her, everybody was afraid of her. He wasn't but there should be a limit for his willingness to be with her. He kept staring at her with a look she could not see through, however her pride was weak that night. "Just… hold… me" even if she had to beg.
Quickly his arms were around her. He noticed her look, noticed her thinking that he was afraid. Silly girl, he thought. He had never been afraid. She should know that by then. He didn't hesitate, he was just surprised because it was the first time she made such a request.
"Ah was so afraid Ah'd be too late" she breathed into his chest, surrounded by his heat, by his scent. "So worried that something would happen to you. Ah couldn't have…"
"Nothin' happened, petite" he assured. "Nothin' gonna happen."
"Marie!" he called her, his voice soft. She looked down as she floated above everyone. "You're trying to kill your best friends."
"Who are you supposed to be? And how do you know mah real name?" she asked, trying desperately to avoid her voice from breaking. Her thoughts were muddy, her judgement impaired. She couldn't figure out an explanation for who those people she was fighting against might be.
"Marie…"
No one knew her real name, so how could that boy possibly know? Why was she willing to give ear to him? Why did his voice sound so sincere?
"It's me. Remy. De man you love. You tol' me your name, chère. Don't you remember? You tol' me so many things."
She was left speechless. Something wasn't right.
Suddenly, the young man who had just said that she loved him threw his weapon down.
"I'm not gonna fight you, Marie. I don't ever wanna hurt you."
"This…" she moved clumsily in the air, flabbergasted. "This is some kind of trick. You're making me feel things…" she avoided looking at him. "Ah never met you before… and you're making me feel things…"
"I'm a mutant jus' like you" he went on as he thought he was finally getting through to her. "But dat ain't my power you're feeling. Maybe your heart, it remembers what your mind misplaced?"
Suddenly, she heard her name and looked at the woman who she thought was her only friend. The woman – she would soon find out was the one messing with her head – was offering an explanation, but it sounded like an excuse to take her away from those people as the woman insisted they were not Rogue's friends. That should be enough. Why was it not? She didn't remember seeing any of those people before and still she was in doubt if she should go with them. She hung her head, in a dilemma. Their persistence had to mean something.
"Marie, please," the young man with the red eyes supplicated "listen to your heart."
Rogue had to make a decision, so she made the easy one.
"Well, Ah've met some mighty smooth talkers in mah day, but you? Man alive…" she said as she used stolen powers to grab his bo, his weapon that was lying on the ground. "Dang shame you keep such poor company" she wrapped his bo around his body, immobilizing his arms; he didn't resist anyway. "That too tight?"
"Marie, snap out of it! You're not acting yourself! If you don't believe me, den touch me! See yourself as I know you."
For a second, Rogue was tempted, maybe she would've stayed and listened to him had her friend not pried her away from those people.
However, she couldn't stop thinking about that young man… that beautiful man with red eyes who said she loved him.
Gambit shot a sideways glance at her talking to Joseph. They were sitting across from him on the jet. He turned away, not wanting to stare. It was eating him inside, though. He was just not the jealousy type, but seeing the two of them stirred something up in him, and he hated that newfound feeling.
"How's that ol' expression go?"
There she was. A provocative smirk on red lips. A gloved hand turning the light on just as he was about to touch the spoils of the heist.
"Once a thief, always a thief" she made a sound similar to a moan as she said: "Sugah, ya know I can't let you get away with this."
He turned around; glowing cards between his fingers. "Ah, chère, I don't remember givin' you de choice."
A card blew up the lights; misdirection, a possible strategy when cornered. However, somehow, she was just as fast as threw herself at him. "Gotcha!"
"Rogue!" it was the only word that he managed to say as his back hit the glass window. "We're forty stories up!" the shattered pieces of glass all around them as they fell down. "I knew includin' you in dis was a mistake" he screamed, still falling.
Her face was devilish as her fingers grabbed his coat tightly. "Why? Afraid ya might get pinched in the act?"
"Au contraire, mon petite."
His back hit the ground with a thud sound. Her weightless body on him. He quickly got up to his feet, and just as quick lit up a cigarette, not acknowledging the shaking of his hands.
"It's dat it's now come down to dis: I'm spending my time with a hologram of de one I love" he turned his back to the fading image of Rogue, but then, thinking twice, turned his head to look at it one last time. "I am trying to be understanding, Rogue. Wherever you are, you need dis time t'be alone" he turned around once again, walking away. "But each of us has our secrets, chère, people we cared for before we met. Mebbe it's time I checked up on one or two of dem. Mebbe."
The Danger Room sequence was terminated.
"I need this, Remy" she said, closing her eyes and letting herself feel the warm water of the pool.
Remy was sitting nearby, his legs inside the pool. "You an' me both, chère."
"I can't remember the last time I just relaxed. It's been a long time" she added as she had no idea where they were nor how they had gotten there.
In spite of themselves, they looked at each other, reaching out to hold each other's hands. As the touch created an explosion, they both realized they were yet again on the astral plane.
She sighed. "The Shadow King is giving us what he thinks we want. Putting us together, in this sexy damn hot tub, half naked, and letting me touch you without my powers stealing your life force. Don't you see? It's just another trap."
Of course he knew it, he just didn't care. "So?"
"So? Gambit" she used his alias every time she was too afraid, when she wanted to be with him, but tried to convince herself of the opposite. He knew it, too. "If we lose ourselves in the Shadow King's reality, he'll steal our souls."
"I know we have work to do. But the opportunity" he reached to touch her face.
She turned her head away. "I know, Remy. But I don't want to get back on that merry-go-round with you again. We've tried so many times. It just doesn't work, and every time we end it, it feels like my heart's never gonna get back together again."
He knew it; of course he did. He felt the same, but maybe she was too selfish to admit it. And he was too self-destructive not to embrace the chance to spend a few moments touching her. Because when they returned, everything would get back to the way it was. They would be apart. They would never work things out. It wasn't meant to be. It didn't matter how much they fought against it, they would fall into the same traps over and over again.
"You gotta ask yourself, chère. Maybe this is a Shadow King's trap, or maybe we made up this place and turned off our powers ourselves. Either way, somewhere, deep down, this must be what we want" at the back of his mind, he wondered whether he wanted to be with her more than anything or just know for sure she would do the same.
She touched his hands, believing him. "Then we go save the day?"
"Then we go save the day."
The dream was always the same. In it, Rogue sought what her mutant power denied her: simple human touch.
She was sitting on his lap as his strong arms held her. Her hands on his bare chest, the sensation of her fingers caressing his skin, wrapping her in a loving embrace she knew for far too short a time, tracing the familiar lines of his face, circling his eyes, red with a desire that burned through her dream like wildfire, her lips throbbing as she wished to kiss his lips. In that dream, she could. But just like the dream was always the same, so was its result. She would awake. It would always be just a dream.
He was back and yet he felt like his soul was still frozen back in that icy wasteland as he desperately looked for warmth in the place he once called home. All his life, trust had been a sensitive matter. Many a time he trusted, getting nothing in return. In the X-Men, he put his trust, fighting alongside them, considering them a family. Sure he kept secrets, although among them, who didn't? However, his sins were not to be forgiven. Everybody else's but his. All decided arbitrarily.
Since his coming back "home", the question he asked himself over and over again was if he was in his right mind. He wondered where had his pride gone. He should've never come back, he should've run so the X-Men would never hear of him again. Those thoughts made him angry. Thoughts that would alternate with those that made him miserable. Where would he go to? There were plenty of places, plenty of people and things to do. But what would be the point if only with the X-Men he had felt whole, like he belonged?
Now they could not even look him in the eye. There was an awkwardness in their gestures, a discomfort to be around him. Deep down, he enjoyed it. It was a fitting punishment for they knew what they did, they felt ashamed but didn't apologize because Gambit had his share of the blame; having him back was enough to make it even.
Then, there was she. She didn't deign to see him. She would not apologize. He hated her. He still loved her. He deserved what she did. If she loved him, she wouldn't have done it. He felt more lost now than when he was alone in the cold.
Truth was he couldn't endure being at the mansion, thus he decided to stay in the boathouse for the time being. As he found it hard to focus on anything other than his messy thoughts, he spent most of his time exercising his body. Concentrating on the physical aspects seemed to help him a little.
It was hot that day, however his body didn't seem to feel the heat, seeming to defy it, in fact. As he held his body upside down on the deck, his sharp senses detected someone approaching. Swiftly he leaped backwards, grabbing some cards from the pockets of his coat that was lying nearby. He crouched in fight position, waiting.
"I'd say 'who dat dare?' But you ain't gon' have time to answer before I shove dese cards—" he stopped short as he saw her. Like so few times before, his facial expressions revealed exactly what he was thinking and feeling. Hers, on the contrary, was blank, flat, emotionless. The only hint of sentiment he perceived was proud, as if it was below her to go see him, after all she had put him through. He couldn't anticipate what it would feel like to meet her again, but anger was not the first item on his list. His body stiffened. "Been a while, non?" she didn't say a thing. He took a step forward. "You're a long way from the mansion. Lost? Or did you know I'd shacked up in Scott and Jean's old place?"
Was he imagining it or did her lips tremble? Her features moved so slightly that someone less perceptive wouldn't have picked on it. As if it took all she had to keep it together.
He moved closer to her, so close he felt his skin burn. Standing face to face, his proud was out the window and suddenly he didn't care. "Come on, belle… you're killing me here. Say something, anything, chère."
"Gambit…" it had been months since she had spoken his name last, and it felt weird. There were so many contradicting feelings piercing her. Her mouth was dry, her hands shaking, she felt defenseless. The urge to run was immense but his presence didn't give her any room to do so. Until she found an excuse. She leaned closer to him, her breath touching his ear. "You're about to blow off your hand…" as she found her voice, her tough girl façade was up again. "and don't call me 'chère', sugah" then, so out of place, she laughed a little.
"My hand? What…?" he asked, confused, then looked at his hand and threw the charged cards behind in time. "Charged them with too much energy…" the cards exploded in the water, showering over him. Standing there, soaking wet, he felt like the punchline of a joke. At least the ridiculous situation brought levity to it and he felt a little like himself again, so he joked: "I know what you're thinking, ma petite. Still the suave one, non?" he said as he got his hair out of his eyes. Rogue was no longer there.
She had been replaced by Wolverine, who said that she was back at the house, waiting for him. Then there was the threatening bullshit of Xavier's being a place for second chances and if he was to play them all for fools or break the girl's heart again, it would be his end. Gambit kept his cool and held back a chuckle. Wolverine would know about second chances. He had been given a thousand of those. But, again, Gambit should be grateful for his.
As Gambit walked to the mansion, he kept thinking that once again she had run away while he was after her. He wondered how long he could play that game. With effort, he convinced himself he should go with the flow, see where it would lead them, keep on playing his part as he always did.
To his surprise, Rogue took the lead and invited him somewhere the X-Men couldn't bother them, which was the rooftop of a tall building, with gargoyles for company.
He offered her a flower along with a broad smile.
"White lilies are for death" she said bitterly before flying away.
He sighed. He was making a herculean effort to see her side of things but she was making it hard on him. "Dear Lord, give me the strength…" he whispered to himself before he went after her. He was agile, trailing after her on the rooftops, but as she could fly, she had the upper hand. "You ain't gonna make this easy for me, are you?"
"It isn't easy for me, why should it be for you? Just start talking, we'll see where fate lead us."
He had to bite back a retort. "Fine. I'll start, chère. You want me to tell you how I got back from Antarctica? All I remember is walking, walking for a thousand years through cold. Cold and white…"
"Remy, don't try to–"
As she was trying to play the victim, this time he didn't hold his anger back. "Maybe you'd like to hear it was cleansing my penance or do you want me to say that when you left me dere, my heart died, and nothing but cold filled the space? Do you want me to say I hate you for leaving me?"
She finally stopped, tried to play tough with her hands on her hips but wasn't cutting it. "You hate me? Who are you to make judgements? I didn't want to leave you, but you… I looked for you. Soon as Ah could, Ah went back for you! You have no idea what Ah've been through since that day–"
Her next words were cut off as it always was. They were randomly attacked. Gambit's anger grew, just when they were in the middle of a decisive conversation.
When she was hit hard by the unknown villain, Gambit called her name as if, only for a moment, nothing had changed. He threatened the attacker like Rogue was still his to claim, to care for. As the villain kept calling them lovers, they both vehemently denied it.
Rogue screamed at the top of her voice as she punched the opponent. "If I was in love, would I have turned my back on the only good thing that has ever happened to me? If we were meant to be together, wouldn't I have forgiven him, his past sins, and taken him in with open arms? Would I have left the man I love to die in a snowy hell?"
As abrupt as the fight had started, it was over. Both with torn clothes. Rogue lying on the floor on her back, Gambit towering over her. His next words would hunt him for many a nights as he would ruminate on the veracity of them.
"Rogue… What you said about Antarctica… dat wasn't you, it was my fault."
"No, Remy…" she started saying, finally deciding to be honest about everything. "leaving you there… Ah can't forgive myself."
He kneeled next to her. "When you kissed me at the trial, you absorbed my self-hate along with it. You left me because I wanted to be left… 'cause I wanted to die. But the truth is, once I came face to face wit' it, I didn't want to go… I couldn't because I couldn't bear the thought of dying without seeing you again" he swallowed in a dry throat as he entwined truths and lies in order to confuse himself as well. Because he still loved her, he would take the blame if it took the weight off of her shoulders. Her eyes were filled with tears. "I don't hate you, Rogue. I could never hate you."
They were cut off again but were not taking any of it.
"What say we roll the party elsewhere, chère, so we can finish this under more… civilized circumstances."
She flew away with him. "If I didn't know any better, Mr. LeBeau, Ah's swear there was a hint of 'the old scoundrel' in that proposition."
"Is dat bad?"
"No… it's perfect."
They found another rooftop, away from the world, to finally talk.
"You ever notice you and I can't go on a date without being jumped?" Gambit tried to say it in gest but the truth behind his words made his statement serious.
"Maybe someone's trying to tell us something."
Gambit chose to ignore her bitter words and said nothing else, waiting for her to speak next.
"Before…" she said tentatively. "when you said you didn't hate me… you were cut off…"
"Was I? Funny, I don't remember."
"Remy LeBeau" this time his name didn't come off harsh, on the contrary, it sounded as sweet as it could be. "Don't play with me. Nothing about this day went like Ah dreamed" she confessed.
"You dreamed about dis?" he said, brushing her fingers with his. "An' what did I do in this dream?"
She entwined her fingers around his and leaned into him, letting him hold her is his arms. Her whole body felt like warm butter. "Well, in one version, you came crawling in like a dog and Ah punched you across the state and back, and walked away, free of your specter."
His features saddened. "Are we going there? If so, I'll save you the trouble and start walking."
"The other has you swooping in like hellfire… all eyes, and arms, and lips, pulling me to you, and telling me that the past is the past, and the future is open, and you…" with her eyes half-closed, she looked up at him, at his lips. "You still love me… like Ah still love you."
"Rogue, darling, I…" but he couldn't finish it. It used to be easy for him to say I love you as a lie, for words were only words, they meant nothing if that's what you chose to believe. Being sincere was always the hardest.
"Please, say it, Remy…" she begged, but he didn't. Then she was no longer is his arms. "You can't say it, can you? Something so simple, but you're still afraid, aren't you?" then her face changed, as if having an internal fight. "Ah'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you so far, so fast, you need time. Just don't expect me to wait forever" so she had to run away, not for the first, not for the last time.
On that occasion Xavier had sent the X-Men on a wild mind trip pitting teammate against teammate to find out where their loyalties lay.
"Rogue…" he mumbled as he dragged her bruised body out of the debris. Everywhere he looked there were bodies of their deceased teammates. "C'mon, chère. Hang in there. Don't die, girl, you can't die now. Not when we were just… we could've…"
"Don't do this, Remy" her voice was so weak, just as broken as her body. "Don't go getting all sappy on me now. We had our moments, sure… plenty of them. And Ah loved every single one of 'em. But it never would've worked… we know that…"
"I love you, Rogue" he said teary-eyed as he held her body. "I've always loved you. You need to know that…"
"Never would've worked… move on, Remy… just move on…"
She looked up at him and even as she gave him back his bad memories, all the hurt she had caused, all the pain and misery and remorse, he held onto her, moving his mouth against her in a way that meant he would not leave her. He held her tighter and she buried her face into his chest.
"It's all done" she all but murmured.
"Dat was a hell of a ride" he had no colors to his face, his eyes were distant and his features hurt.
She pressed her eyelids tightly, not daring to look at his face again, dreading that would be the moment he would walk away from her for good. As much as they still cared for each other, there was no way he would stick around after reliving all those awful memories.
"Chère…" although his voice was sweet, her heart almost jumped out of her mouth.
Right there, he doubted. For a long time, he was sure they were worth fighting for. Other times he thought he was the only one fighting for them. For the previous months he had pretended. A step away from getting over her, and that island put them back where they started.
It was time to make a final decision. He knew in his heart of hearts that there would never be a better time or place, when and where he would have his mind and eyes more clear than at that moment. With his thoughts, his judgment and his heart synched.
He wrapped her around his arms. She let out a long, shaky sigh of relief.
"I choose us" he said seriously. "Do you?"
She nodded her head resolutely.
"It's time" he then muttered into her ear.
At last she looked up at his face. "We still have so much to talk about, Remy."
"Oui. But that can wait" he tried to smile in a reassuring way and realized he wasn't there yet. But he would be, eventually. "We have to get you back to normal first."
"You're saying you wouldn't date a metal horned girl?" she asked as she touched the horns on her head.
"You kidding me? I'm sure I'd find an imaginative way to make that work."
She dared smirk. "I know you would."
Without further ado, he guided her to the hospital where were the people who had their memories stolen.
"I know you're confused" he spoke up to all those disoriented faces. "You're locked in your own mind an' unsure what's real. I've been where you are… or almost… an' not so long ago. I also know most of you came here to get rid of something. Pretty safe to assume dis wasn't how you expected dat to work out" he slid a glance at Rogue before going on. "Rogue can return what you lost—powers an' memories, everything. But you don't get to pick an' choose, I'm afraid. It's all or nothing. Choice be yours."
Doubt flushed to everyone's faces until someone took the courage to go first.
"Me" Theo said. "I'll go."
Rogue shot him a sad look. "Are you sure?"
He was resolute. "I am."
She held his hand and passed on his memories and hurt; she gave him back everything. And so she did to everyone else. It was a painful experience to all involved. Every once in a while she would seek Gambit's eyes out for reassurance and every time she would find them. Little by little her looks were back. She was back.
He wrapped his arms around her waist, softly pulling her to him like a shield. "You okay?"
"Ah will be" and she wasn't lying. This time she was confident she was going to be just fine. "My whole body aches. Even muscles I never knew existed."
He chuckled, just a little, and although her heart weighed a ton, she realized that sound was enough to ease some of the pain.
There was no time to rest, though. Everyone felt like leaving that cursed island once and for all, as fast as possible. They gathered on the beach, arrangements to go home getting quickly set.
"You look like you're feeling better, Rogue" Theo told her as he held Janine's hand. Rogue noticed but didn't feel the envy that too often came with that kind of sight. She was actually glad they had made up after whatever they had been through as a couple, despite their previous decision of erasing the bad parts. The thought pinched her with fear for what was coming.
"Yes, Theo. Still a few extra in here, as well as Lavish's power and of course all my own unpleasant memories reabsorbed, but much more manageable, thank you."
"No, thank you. You saved us all."
"Even after everything I had to give you back?" she couldn't help but be surprised. "The things you wanted to get rid of in the first place?"
"Yes, even so. I mean, yeah, we wanted to get rid of that stuff but I think, in retrospect, even if it had worked it would have been a mistake. It's better to be whole."
"It's part of who we are" Janine emended as they smiled at each other. "I think maybe we needed it after all."
"Besides, we forget it all, and we're bound to repeat it, right?"
"Yes" Rogue said as her eyes searched for Gambit. She smiled at the sight of him. "Yes, I think that's exactly right."
The urge to be alone with him impelled her and she literally ran to catch up with him. "Wanna go for one last walk along the shore?"
Side by side, they walked quietly for a whole minute, knowing that uncomfortable but necessary conversations were ahead of them, however, there was also renewed optimism – not the kind that could blind you to the truth but a real feeling that everything would eventually fall into place. Their eyes locked and they knew they were on the same page. They would live the next steps through.
"What's on your mind?" she asked him with a naughty smile curving her lips for she knew those eyes.
He deliberately wetted his lips, slowly. "Remember that night in Valle Soleada when we fell asleep in the sand?"
"Yeah" she sighed as she remembered other parts as well. They sat on a towel on the beach, drinking champagne, enjoying each other's company like a normal couple. Normal. "That was hot" she looked at their full outfits and wished they were wearing bathing suits instead.
"Not as hot as our faces when we woke up to the sun beating us down."
Rogue roared at the memory. "Yeah, that was anticlimactic" she laughed, but then bit her lower lip as if she was guilty, as if it was too soon to feel that well. "The last of Lavish's power is wearing off. And before it does, Remy, I have to tell you… I'm so sorry."
"Rogue. Stop. It's not necessary. We don't owe apologies. We've moved past that" as he said those words he realized that was not the full truth. His intention was not to lie; he just wasn't ready to start that conversation so soon. He hoped they would have time for that and more, although, he could understand her being hasty.
For someone who had always found saying sorry a crushing effort, she was eager to say what she needed to say. "No. It is necessary. Because it's only now, after experiencing all we've been through, all at once, that I see it's all the same. You and me are forever. I run from you because I'm afraid of forever. I fight every day for everyone's future but my own. My own future terrifies me, always has. That first day we met was so messed up. Everything was a mess from the first moment to the last…" she drew close, until she was in his arms again.
"Rogue, that don' mean—"
But he didn't have to defend it. She knew.
"What it means is that there's never gonna be a perfect time for us. I can't wait for everything to line up and make sense. It was messed up then, it's messed up now, and it will be messed up always" she took a deep breath. "But I'll take messed up with you any time, Remy LeBeau."
If they were being naïve, only time would tell. The truth was that at that moment they felt ready for forever.
"Rogue… I've come to that conclusion a long time ago" his voice was then presumptuous. "I'm glad you finally see it that way."
She rolled her eyes. "You couldn't let me have this moment, huh? Ah hate it when you're the mature one" she made a brief pause, becoming serious again. "What made you choose us?"
He thought about it. "There was a time neither of us had any doubts but we lost that certainty along the way, or rather, our way of life did that to us. What I'm trying to say is I think we can get that feeling back. Not saying it'll be easy but I do think we're ready to try again, and dis time for real. Make it work despite our lives as X-Men."
"There's a lot of hope in it."
"In us. Yeah. But just like you said, there'll never be a perfect time. We gotta make every single moment last. Everything we've been thorough has brought us here, to dis moment. Since we both made the same decision, I guess dat's as perfect as it can be. If we can learn how to forgive ourselves more so than each other, then we're good. You think we can do dat?"
"Ah'm sure we can."
"Good" he pressed his lips against hers and she melted again. "Rogue… I gotta ask you something important" he was so serious she froze. "How you feel 'bout cats?"
She laughed out loud. That was so like him. "Heh, that's it?" she couldn't decide on whether she was disappointed or relieved. She knew, right there, she would say yes without a second hesitation the moment he proposed. He was all about big gestures, she thought, he wouldn't let it be that low-key.
He pretended to be offended. "You laugh, chère, but dis' an important question."
"Sorry. Yes" she clearly her throat, making a sober face. "Deadly serious. 'Course I love cats. What am I, a monster?"
He made an approving sound with his throat. "Dat's good, 'cause I got some cats I want you t'meet, Rogue."
"You adopted cats?" her surprise and excitement were real. It made her wonder how much of his life she had missed and made her realize how eager she was to share the parts of her life he had missed while they were apart. They would have so much to catch up on.
"Long story" he wouldn't spoil the moment revealing her obnoxious mom was part of it. "But yeah, I got three of them now. There's a white, Figaro, the gray one is Oliver and Lucifer is orange."
"That's the sexiest you've ever been, Remy LeBeau."
"You ain't seen nothing yet" he said with his characteristic smirk.
"Do you think they'll like me?"
"They're friendly. If they don't fall in love with you immediately, they'll warm up to you fast. You'll see."
She smiled at his comment, and then remembered something silly. "I ever tell you I had a dream once that I broke a vase of the Professor's and absorbed the powers of a kitten to stop him from getting mad at me?"
He chuckled. "Mon Dieu. Would that work? You'd be unstoppable."
"Yeah… me plus the cuteness of a kitten… the world wouldn't stand a chance. It'd be like Thanos-event-level cuteness. Rogue wins!" she threw her arms up, laughing, and then laid her head on his shoulder as they watched the ocean.
"Speaking of unstoppable…" he started after a brief moment of silence. "I'm gonna miss that weird electricity thing. When we figure out your powers we should see if we can get that thing back."
"Totally" she agreed, although already blushing at the thought. She was a grown ass woman and he still got her blushing. There was never a dull day with him. If he was creative in battle, expect him to be extra creative in bed. A flow of lava melted her belly just at the thought. She could not believe how lucky she was.
"Don't make that question" he said, breaking her stream of thought.
"What question?"
"If I'm really sure about waiting for your powers to get under control again. Although… I cannot wait to have your sweaty—"
"Remy!"
"—naked body under mine—"
"Remy!"
"—or on mine… or—"
"Remy!"
"What?"
"You're gonna kill with those mental imagens. Ah don't know how long until we can… again… so, please, stop talking about it."
"Sorry, chère, I know it ain't easy to have me around without wanting to rip my clothes off."
She tried to keep a straight face but it was fruitless. She gave him a punch in the shoulder. "Let's go home. I need a cold shower now. Thanks to you."
She went ahead, walking away as she shimmied her hips. "This woman has always driven me mad" he said to himself, smirking.
Good memories flowed now.
Before her eyes flew open, her senses rose. She could feel the warmth of the morning, the brush of the sheets, all the places he had kissed her on hours earlier. The first thing she would see in the morning was his smiling back at her and those gorgeous eyes.
Three weeks living together. That morning he was sleeping on his side, his back turned to her. She touched his skin with her bare hands and smiled. The sense of wonder would never leave her, she mused. Her finger tracing a faded white scar on his lower back. A scar she knew all about. All the confessions they confined in each other, lying on that same bed, meant more progress towards maturing their relationship then the many months they were trying to get together. It wasn't only because they could touch now. She had let her guard down in so many ways; she trusted him without hesitation. Her emotional barriers were down and so were his. Her fingers tickled him. He turned to face her as his arms pulled her to him. They both smiled broadly without a care in the world, for as long as it lasted.
Now, little did they know that soon they would be making many more of those memories. In the end, remembering was all they needed to see that they could start again.
xXxXx
Issues used for the flashbacks respectively: X-men #82, X-Men Legacy #260.1, Gambit #05 (1999), Uncanny X-Men #341, X-Men Unlimited #25, Rogue #02 (1995), Rogue #12, Avengers #401 (1996), Wolverine & Gambit: victims #01, Astonishing X-Men vol. 4, Uncanny X-Men #359, X-Men #81 and Uncanny X-Men #375.