AN: Sam processes newly revealed personal information about Colonel O'Neill. After Cold Lazarus.
At least she wasn't the only one trying to keep a wall up around her personal life. Sam thought, though it hadn't seemed to do either of them any good. The Colonel's past had come back to haunt him in a big way, and she had to admit she was a little surprised to see that softer side of him. He had always carried himself as someone with nothing to lose, alone in the world, at least since she had known him. But this Colonel was different than the Colonel she had started to know. This Colonel didn't hesitate to wrap his wife in his arms and hold her. This Colonel held the hand of energy that had taken on the form of his late son and walked through the gate to say goodbye.
In that moment, Sam couldn't help but mourn for what he had lost. She didn't know much about him apparently, but she knew enough to know that he would have been at least a loving dad. Military types were always kind of hit or miss with parenting. She knew enough of that from her own father and parents of her friends on different bases, but where her dad lacked in softness, he made up for it with love. She never doubted that he loved her, but maybe she wanted a little more from him. She wondered if Colonel O'Neill had been the same—if he lacked gentleness and understanding as a dad.
All at once, she felt the inappropriateness of that thought. She would never know what kind of dad Colonel O'Neill was because that had been taken from him. Her heart ached for him afresh at that thought. The Abydos mission files suddenly made more sense to her now that she knew. The guilt he must have carried with him through the gate the first time made it seem unbelievable that he hadn't proceeded with the suicide mission. How much of that guilt still weighed him down every day. Was this something she should be concerned about on future missions? Would he let it affect his decisions?
Only time would tell. She was still trying to figure out the best way to manage his leadership style, and this mission had explained a few things about some of his previous responses. With Skaara , in particular, she understood why he hadn't quite acted rationally. But that's why she was here—to temper his weaknesses and make him look good. She may be the "smart one" or whatever, but she was an Airman and his second in command. Those roles were just as important, and he was counting on her. She had promised him before their first mission that she wouldn't let him down, and she meant it. There was always a learning curve for a new team, but she hoped she was doing a passable job. He wasn't much for giving performance reviews. All she could really do was try to figure it out as she went along. Hopefully, they didn't have to repeat too many experiences like this for her to figure him out.