The bottom of her sneakers kisses the pavement as she picks up speed to match the rapid beat of the rock song currently blasting in her ears. She has one end of Milo's leash wrapped around her fingers as the other end remains connected to his collar. The energy in her puppy -if you would consider a one year old German Shepherd a puppy- is unmatched as he runs up ahead, only having to slow down when he runs out of leash to continue going.
He's practically yanking her forward, but she's bigger and she's still stronger, so she makes him wait, "Sit Milo," he follows her command and regardless of the amount of money she had to pay for his training, she's grateful for it because he listens to her, and the best part is she rarely has to repeat herself. Training was well worth the money; it was a great investment into her little Milo.
"You know I've been slacking, Milo," she struggles to catch her breath as the two of them resume their slow jog; she's not where she used to be, most likely because she hasn't worked out in weeks.
Now that she's pregnant, she needs to start putting forth effort to maintain as much of her shape as possible. Even if she doesn't stay pregnant, she needs to get back to exercising anyway. There's no excuse for her to slack off again; this is a part of her therapy, it's her way of clearing her mind and distancing herself from human contact. All she needs is Milo, and speaking of her dog, he starts to bark at her, using his own language to rush her.
She can barely keep up but she's committed to at least getting three miles in. She used to run six, but that's when she was exercising every day. She didn't take breaks but things happen, plans change, and life is thrown off. She couldn't keep putting it off. Erin needed to start jogging again at some point, and what day is better to start than today, hence the reason why she forced herself to get out of bed on her day off and hit the park trail a few blocks away from Kim's apartment.
Breathing steadily, mind focused on the music and heart beating rapidly, she jogs carefully through the dirt path with Milo running only a few feet ahead. She's careful with her steps, not wanting to fall out of fear of getting hurt. She doesn't know what she wants but until she decides on it, she's being overly cautious. As the time ticks later on into the day, it starts to warm up outside, but being that it's the end of fall, it wasn't going to get too warm. She was okay with that; she preferred the colder months out of the year.
And she preferred colder weather even though Kim keeps her apartment scorching hot.
Erin comes to an abrupt stop and hunches over, hands clasping her knees as she wheezes and struggles to collect enough oxygen to calm her racing breaths. Her legs are already sore and her lungs are burning, practically gasping desperately for more and more air and she's trying to comply but there's only so much she can do considering she's trying not to pass out. Milo seems eager to continue their jog but she hasn't worked out in weeks and she's trying to get back into the groove of things but apparently the long break she took in cardio made it difficult to pick back up where she left off.
"Milo, wait," her dog starts yanking, practically trying to urge her forward, "I can't." She should have brought a bottle of water with her but it never crossed her mind. She was in a rush to get a jog in before her mother came over for brunch, "We need to head back anyway." She completely overlooked the fact that the distance away from Kim's apartment she ran will be the same distance that she'll have to run -or in her exhausted state- walk back.
With the strands that were too short to stay in a ponytail with the rest of her hair now slicked against her forehead, held pressed down by the sweat beading on her face, she knew that she desperately needed a shower. Kim was out with her sister and niece meaning that she'll have the apartment to herself for the majority of the day which translates to her showering and walking around naked. She couldn't wait to get back. And she couldn't wait to find her own place because walking around her home naked, knowing that no one will walk in was something she missed.
Suddenly her music cuts off as her ringtone blares through her ears, startling her because the volume of her ringtone sounded a lot louder than the volume of the music that was once playing. She swipes to answer before readjusting her grip on the leash and leading Milo back in the direction they had just come from, "Hello."
"Hi sweetie," it's her mother and ever since she found out about the pregnancy, she's been more chipper than usual, "Where are you?"
"I went for a jog. Why?"
"I'm outside the door. I've been knocking for a few minutes."
"I thought you weren't supposed to come over for another hour."
"I was impatient. Your dad dropped me off. He'll pick me up when he gets off of work."
Erin comes to a sudden stop. A stop so sudden that Milo didn't even realize it until he walked far enough ahead that his leash ran out of stretch and he was slightly yanked back. It's almost eleven in the morning and her dad typically didn't end work until the late evening, sometimes a few hours earlier if they're not working a case, but regardless of when he gets off, she knows that her mother will be here for a couple of hours. That translates to no walking around the apartment naked.
"Erin," her mother calls out and Erin has the sense that it wasn't her mother's first time shouting her name to get her attention, "Erin, sweetheart."
She blinks out of her reverie and then continues walking, "Yes?"
"Is it safe to be jogging considering your condition?"
"I'm not on my deathbed mother," Erin rolled her eyes; she's pregnant not ill, "and it should comfort you enough to know that I googled it. It said it's pretty safe to jog and highly recommended to exercise while pregnant. I just can't overdo it."
"You? Not overdoing something? Ha," her mother joked, earning another eyeroll -one that she fortunately didn't see- from her daughter.
"You're not a comedian, mom."
"…as you and your father love to remind me."
During her trek back to the apartment complex, she listened as her mother updated her on her dad, on her week and every little detail that it entailed. Apparently, she got into a fender bender and her car is currently in the shop having a dent removed which is why her dad had to drop her off. She's thinking of having the kitchen walls painted from white to a soft, light yellow. She recently got into a new show that she's recommending Erin to watch even though her mother knows that they have completely different taste when it comes to pop culture. And she found a new recipe that she wants to try out but her dad is apparently against the idea because he doesn't like new things.
He doesn't like change. That pretty much sums up Hank Voight.
"How far are you now?"
Erin sighs because this jog was supposed to be therapeutic; she started doing this after the break in. It was recommended by her therapist and it honestly helped her clear her mind. Now her mother was intruding in the one intervention she found that works wonders for her psyche, "I'm walking into the building now mom, I should be up there in a few minutes. I'll talk to you when I get up there," she says before hanging up and pausing the music because it suddenly resumed where it left off the second her phone call ended.
She's trying to get herself mentally prepared for this. She knows that majority of the conversation will surround her pregnancy and the baby and Erin doesn't know if she's prepared for that. She needs to make a decision though, and soon, and maybe her mother can objectively help her because she would prefer to have her mind made up by her first prenatal appointment in a few days. Her only concern is that it may be too late; she may be forced to go in one direction because she waited too long to make up her mind. But, at the same time, she doesn't want to feel pressured to make a certain decision because of her mother's eagerness to become a grandmother.
She needs Camille to step outside of herself for a second and help her daughter.
"Hi baby," her mother greets her the second the elevator doors open. She has a lot of bags near the door, obviously showing that she has been shopping recently.
"Hi mom, what's all of this?" Erin nodded towards the many bags as she pulls out her key and unlocks the door. After unhooking the leash from Milo's collar and smiling as he walks inside the house and goes to help himself to a few sips of water from his bowl, she then turns to help her mother carry the bags into the apartment, "Why are these so heavy?"
"A few bags are full of food; I brought a few healthy snacks for you. That one bag," she points to the brown paper bag, "is our brunch. I got our favorites and these bags," referring to the ones that Camille is holding, "are gifts that I'm excited to show you. Before we eat, I'll show you all that I got," she leads her daughter to the kitchen counter and the two of them set the bags down.
Opening them with such enthusiasm, her mother starts to pull each item out of the bag, showcasing the product to her daughter, "I got you some crackers, a few different flavors of yogurt," she sets the two things on the counter before reaching inside the bag to grab the next thing, "apple slices, carrots, pickles, string cheese, grapes, milk," she pauses to glance at her daughter and take in her expression because she's fully aware that Erin doesn't drink milk, not by itself, not straight from the glass, but Erin will just have to suck it up and take one for the team because she'll need the extra boost of calcium, "I got you two flavors of muffins, one is bran and the other is blueberry."
Erin lifts up the bran muffin package and inspects it, "You could have left this at the store."
"Trust me, you'll like them," Camille takes them from her daughter's hand and sets them back onto the countertop, "give it a chance before you judge it."
"You always say I'll like something and then I end up not liking it."
"This time it'll be different," Camille retorts, rolling her eyes at her daughter's rebuttal, "I also brought you this book, it's about the changes your body will go through during and after pregnancy and this one," she reaches for the second book, "is about newborns and parenting up to age one."
Erin is suddenly reminded about the fetus growing inside of her. She suddenly feels a weight fall upon her shoulders, pushing down on her, refusing to lighten up and give her some room. She wants to keep her baby; she's not fully against it and she fears that if she terminates the pregnancy then she'll live with that regret. But, at the same time she feels like she'll ruin this kid, she's not mother material, she's not a role model, she's not anyone that should be having and raising kids.
"Earth to Erin," her mother waves her hand in front of her face until she blinks out of her reverie, "…are you alright, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, I've just had a lot on my mind."
"Want to talk about it?"
She doesn't answer right away; she's too busy focused on the small piece of fabric in her mother's hand. It's a unisex onesie that says 'please pass me to my grandma.' Erin's focus on the onesie drew her mother's eyes to it, "I couldn't resist. Isn't this the cutest? And I got it in white so it'll work for a boy or a girl. I figured it's not too early to start shopping for my-"
"I've been thinking about terminating my pregnancy," she admits in one breath while cutting her mother off. Her eyes grew watery from the fear of disappointing her mother, from the relief of finally getting this off her chest and from the mood swings she's constantly experiencing.
In the last hour she's felt frustrated, angry, happy and now it seems that sadness is the emotion currently taking over. She's overwhelmed. She can't even look at her mother's face out of fear of what she'll find. She knows her mother's history with fertility. She knows after Justin she wanted to have more kids but she kept miscarrying; she could never carry full term. Camille had so much love to offer and it hurt not having another child to share it with, that is until Erin came into the picture and she loved that little girl like she was biologically hers. Erin wants to keep her kid, if not for herself then for her mother, but she knows that keeping a child for her mother's sake isn't fair. She needs to sort this all out, hopefully with her mother's unbiased help, but she needs to make a decision and stick with that decision.
Erin blinked the tears out of her eyes and looked up, chancing a look at her mother to find her stunned into silence. She's still holding the onesie; her eyes are cast down towards the big bold colorful letters and she thinks her mother is rereading the short sentence printed on the front of the fabric. Erin pictures a baby filling the onesie with his or her little chubby thighs and hands as Erin does as the onesie requests and passes him or her to her mother. She smiles, it's a small, soft one but it's still a smile and it's surprisingly one of the first genuine smiles she's had since finding out about her pregnancy. Erin finds herself getting more emotional; she feels so many emotions filling her body that she's unable to identify all of the feelings.
She probably should have prepped her mom, maybe led her into her dilemma slowly instead of just ripping it off like a bandage and telling her without any warning. She wants to reach out for her mother's hand, she needs some type of comfort, but every part of her fears that her mother may reject her, may turn away from her and that is something that Erin cannot handle, not ever, especially not today. Because of the possibility of rejection, Erin doesn't even attempt it, instead she takes a step back and tries to minimize the damage, "I've been thinking about this since I found out I was pregnant. Mom, I don't know what to do. I am presented with two options that are impossible to choose between; I want to keep my baby but it's me we're talking about and this kid doesn't deserve that. This kid will have no father. This kid's mother can barely take care of herself, let alone a dog, how could anyone ever believe that I could care for a baby?" Erin pauses, every part of her hoping her mother will fill the silence but she doesn't, "I told you because I wanted your help in deciding on what to do. I need my mom, now more than ever, and I know how much the thought of this is hurting you right now but I need you to just help me through this, put your bias aside for a moment and just help me rationally decide on what to do."
Erin reaches up to grab the bag of food and without saying another word, she leaves the kitchen and heads into the living room. She doesn't hear any movement, any talking or any breathing from her mother. She sees Milo lying down, chewing on a chew toy to strengthen his teeth and she's tempted to call him over, hoping that his close presence will help her through these extreme mood swings but she doesn't want to disturb him. He deserves a break from her. A lot of people do.
"Sweetheart," the strangled voice of her mother catches her off guard; she didn't hear her come into the living room and she didn't expect to still even be called sweetheart or sweetie or some variation of an adorable pet name she's been using since Erin was a kid, "I'm sad," she walks over to sit next to her daughter, "and a little hurt and disappointed but," she reaches over to set her hand down on her daughter's knee, squeezing it gently, "You're here. You're alive and present and you're my daughter. You come first. Always."
And that means so much to hear. That means a lot. It means everything to her.
She leans over to hug her mom, feeling the arms of her mother squeeze her so tight that she might break. Camille silently cries into her daughter's shoulder as each second that passes causes the embrace to tighten, "Mom, I…I can't…can't brea…breathe."
"Oh," Camille immediately drops her arms and sits back, "I'm sorry. I just got lost in thought and so consumed in hugging you. I love hugging you."
"I know you do," Erin softly smiles.
The two of them turn to open the bag of food, each of them grabbing their order and setting the plastic container onto their laps, "I'm starving," Erin groans as she peels the lid back. She notices that her mother simply smiles; she doesn't even bother to crack the typical joke about how Erin is always hungry. The mood is too sour for that, or maybe her mother wants to jump right into figuring the dilemma out so she can know if she should be happy that Erin will keep the baby or start to move on and accept the fact that Erin won't. Camille swallows the bite of pancake before clearing her throat and reaching her hand back out to rest on her daughter's thigh, "Despite how I feel, I want you to do what's best for you. And if I'm being honest, you don't sound like you want to terminate your pregnancy, you sound more like you feel like you have to terminate."
"The foster care system is shit."
"…you've been in it as a kid and you work in an area that involves it. I'm sure you'd know."
"Exactly," Erin lifts a piece of bacon and takes a bite, "if I have the baby, I'm keeping the baby."
"I don't think you give yourself enough credit."
"What do you mean?"
Camille adds more syrup to her pancakes, "What I mean is you said that your kid doesn't deserve you as a mom, you said that you could barely take care of yourself which means that you couldn't possibly take care of a child. You don't give yourself enough credit. Erin, you're the strongest and bravest person that I know. And I know that you're torn on the issue but are you leaning more towards one than the other?"
Erin contemplates the question silently to herself as she uses the plastic utensils to cut up her waffle before adding butter and syrup, "I feel like every day it changes but for more days than not I'm typically torn down the middle; I'm 50/50."
"So lay out your reasons why you would want to terminate your pregnancy."
She clears her throat and sits up straight, "I uh, I want to be the best possible parent if I were to have a baby. It's just not a good time. I'm not with the kid's father and I don't even know who the kid's father is. It's hard growing up not knowing a parent."
"Do you want kids?"
"I thought I didn't but I realize that the reason I thought I didn't want a kid was because I don't want children but it's more because I don't want a kid to be stuck with me as a parent."
"How will having this baby affect your life?"
Erin resumes eating because she doesn't want her food to get cold, "I know it'll be expensive. Between Milo, myself and the baby, I know financially it will be a hardship. My job has good benefits and time off but then I'll eventually have to go back to work and with that comes with finding a good daycare but the thought of leaving a kid with a stranger creeps me out because I've been seeing a lot of stories about some daycare workers and how they treat kids once they're dropped off. One lady went to prison recently for beating a toddler so bad the kid is in a coma."
Camille didn't hear about that story. She tries not to watch the news because it's just full of tragedies. If anything, she may tune in to get political updates.
"You won't have to worry about daycare. When I said that I'm here, I meant that. It'll be my moment of spending time with my grandbaby. Free of charge. Daycare can be expensive."
That's a sweet relief if Erin did decide to have this baby.
"I ruled adoption out immediately. I can't go through months of pregnancy and then labor only to give my baby up and constantly wonder what he or she is doing, where they are, if they were adopted, if they were treated right, etc. I couldn't live with that constantly on my mind."
"…that's a valid point."
Camille sits quietly as she waits to hear the rest of her daughter's reasoning between the pros and the cons of every scenario that crosses her mind. This isn't something to take lightly; this is huge, this is serious and regardless of the decision, Erin's life will be affected forever.
"I am not perfect," Erin starts, only for her mother to immediately cut her off.
"No one is," she stops eating to rub her hands on a paper napkin before reaching over to rub circles into her daughter's back, "and if that's the biggest reason why you're tempted to not have this baby then we're off to a great start in reasons to keep the baby. There is absolutely no such thing as a perfect parent. I've come close but even I made lots of mistakes," Camille cracks a smile, "and your baby won't hold it against you. Have you ever held my mistakes against me?"
"No, of course not," Erin rolls her eyes, "You've never hurt me and I know you did your best."
"…exactly sweetheart, I did my best like I know you'll do your best. You never turn away from a challenge and a kid is the ultimate test of patience, love and everything in between. Who cares that the dad isn't in the picture? Your baby won't lack love in any capacity. We need something to love; we need something to love us and a kid, that's unconditional love right there."
"Yeahhhhh," Erin whispers, wiping the corners of her eyes.
She's lost in her thoughts even while knowing that her mom is still talking, her mom is still envisioning a baby joining the family and mending the unhealed scars they've carried for years.
Erin, on the other hand, is picturing the baby, wondering if he or she will look like the man she shared a night with. She sees a kid, one that is full of such joy and innocence, one that she loves unconditionally with all of her heart and for this kid to not exist yet in the physical sense of the word, she feels a love that feels absolutely real and true to form. She blinks the tears out of her eyes and thinks of the onesie, the little onesie that will magically fit a human, a human that's going to be tiny enough to even get inside of it comfortably.
Life doesn't put you in situations that you can't handle. When she was hurt, she overcame that, -she's overcoming that- but she realized just how strong and resilient she is. She wouldn't have known if it didn't happen. Maybe the same can be said about this situation? But instead of undergoing something traumatic and having scars to tell the story of it, she had a pleasant night which'll result in a baby that represents the story of that.
"…maybe you're right, Mom."
In her peripheral, she could see her mother's shoulders relax, "When am I not?"
Erin smiles and chuckles softly and briefly, "Mom…"
"I know, I know, this isn't a joke. It's a serious conversation. And sweetheart, I want to make sure that you're happy with you're decision, that you made it for you and not for me and your dad. I'm happy but I don't want you to feel forced. Being a mother is unlike any other job in this world and I want to make sure you're making the right decision for yourself; I don't want you to feel compelled because you know where I stand on the entire debate."
"I know," Erin nods slowly, "and you've helped a lot and in these next couple of months I'm probably going to have millions of questions about everything but I think I want to do this."
"When the baby is here, this isn't something that you can just quit the second he or she keeps you up all night with their screaming. No one has ever said being a parent is easy."
"Are you trying to talk me out of this now?"
"No, no, of course not, I'm just trying to be impartial and tell you the reality of it all."
"I feel like this is some kind of reverse psychology where I hear about how hard it'll be which will only convince me to do it."
Camille smirks upon hearing that because that's honestly not what she's trying to do, "I'm not trying to trick you into anything. This is a serious topic, remember? It's not one that should be taken lightly. So I'm trying to be the best mother that I can be by supporting you regardless of the decision you decide to make because I know it isn't an easy one, -whichever you decide to do."
"I want to do this," Erin asserts, and it's the most confident she's sounded since finding out she's pregnant, "Even though I am still terrified, I do think I can do this."
"I know you can, I have absolute full confidence in your ability to take on new challenges, in your ability to parent once the time eventually comes, but you keep forgetting an important factor in all of this, you're not alone. As the old saying goes, it takes a village to raise a child and me, your dad and Kim are a part of your village. You're going to ace parenthood. You've always been tough and I'm looking forward to seeing how this baby softens you up a bit." Erin smiles as her mother's arm wraps around her shoulders.
She may be nervous but what new parent wouldn't be?
Erin is going to freak out for the next few months and even the months after the baby is here but at least she's made a decision. There should be no more stressing out about a deadline regarding termination because she's committing to this. She's going to have her baby. She's going to be a mother. She's going to be the mother of a human, not a dog, but an actual baby human. She releases a long sigh and the strands of her hair that fell from her ponytail blow out of her face.