Erin appreciates the feeling of Kim's hands slowly and gently massaging her feet -not her ankles because those are too sensitive to touch right now- but Erin appreciates her for attempting to do so. Her eyes are closed, head leaned back over the arm of the couch with her phone resting on her lap with the volume up as she waits for him to keep his word, as she waits for him to text her, but the only messages she's received have come from her mother, apologizing on behalf of her and Hank and then promising that she'll convince him to change his mind. Erin doesn't have anything to say to either of them, not right now, not when all of her emotions are so fresh and raw and she knows based on her mother's apology that it's only coming from her, she might try to act like it's coming from her dad too, but Hank has never needed her mom to talk for him so the fact that she's doing it now means that the apology wasn't agreed on by the both of them.
Kim rubs a sore spot on her foot that was due to walking around the baby boutique and then standing for so long at the precinct and when Kim tries to work out the kinks at the base of her foot, it starts to actually hurt, causing her to pull her feet off of her friend's lap, "Sorry, did I hit a nerve?"
"I don't think it's you," she double checks her phone for the fifth time in the last two hours to make sure the volume was all the way up, "it's this damn pregnancy. I'm so over it, Kimberly."
"Whoa," Kim shifts in her seat, turning so she's facing Erin and her back is pressed against the arm of the opposite end of the couch, "you called me by my full first name. It must be serious."
She doesn't bother looking up, she doesn't bother opening her eyes; she simply throws her arm over her face and groans, "I'm still thinking about the mess with Jay and my dad."
"Ahh," she nods because the second Kim had arrived to Erin's apartment, her best friend filled her in on all of the details of her long day. She reaches forward to grab the bottle of wine she brought over, the cap already broken and open because the moment she was told the story, she needed a drink, "I can't believe, wait, scratch that, never mind because I can believe it. Your dad is an opened book. I saw this coming from a mile away," she tips the bottle until the contents pour into her obnoxiously large wine glass. She brought both things over; she was desperate for a drink.
She sits up and opens her eyes to see Kim lift up her glass and gulp down a sip or two, unintentionally teasing Erin when she licks the drops of red wine off her bottom lip, "I can't have any," Erin reminds her yet Kim doesn't even seem phased by it.
"I know, it's for me. I brought you a bottle of water," Kim reminds because she already announced that the second she came through the door. The jug of water is currently on Erin's kitchen counter.
"You're determined to not make my day any better," Erin whispers, face dropping in discomfort when she sits up and moves her feet to the floor. Milo lifts his head and hops to his feet to jump up onto the couch, lay next to his human and rest his head upon her lap. Instinctively, Erin's hand moves to start rubbing the top of his head, in his favorite spot right between his ears, "Kim," she steers the conversation back on topic, "I don't know how she knew but I know she told my dad on purpose. You should have seen the look on her face when my parents and Jay weren't looking," for a brief moment she stops patting Milo atop his head and he looks up at her with a pout until she continues the caress, "I don't need the drama. I'm not trying to be in a love triangle. I don't want that situation. I just want to finish off my pregnancy and have my baby in peace."
There's a beat of silence that passes and Milo nuzzles his face into the roundness of her belly when she starts to rub and scratch behind his ear. She stares forward, contemplating her life and the decisions she's made to get her to this moment in time. So many what-ifs flash through her mind, thinking that if she just changed one little decision in her course of life then she wouldn't be sitting here in this moment, single, pregnant and stressed. She breaks out of her daze when she feels Kim's hand against her cheek, nudging her to turn her head to meet her eyes and with a serious face, her best friend mutters, "Want me to beat her up?" She sets her glass of wine down.
"Shut up," Erin couldn't help but to flash a smile.
Kim nudges her and chuckles, "Let's sick Milo on her." Upon hearing his name, he lifts his head. Burgess starts to rub alongside his face and he licks her hand in appreciation of all of the love he's currently receiving from his two favorite people. If he had more room then he'd probably roll over onto his back for a belly rub but with the limited space on the couch because Erin is practically spread out on one end, Kim on the other and Milo in the middle, he's forced to stay put, closing his eyes and groaning in appreciation at both of their hands rubbing his face.
"Can we be serious for a second, Kim?"
Her friend quirks a brow and drops her hand from Milo's chin, "I kind of was…"
"She took it upon herself to tell my parents."
"She's jealous of you," Burgess states matter of fact.
And now Erin's hand falls from Milo's head, "That's ridiculous."
"Well that doesn't mean it isn't true."
Since he wasn't receiving attention anymore, he jumped off the couch and walked on into the kitchen where his food and water bowl were situated. And Erin watches him for as long as she can but the second he's in the kitchen, she's no longer able to see him, "Why would she be jealous?"
Kim waits for her best friend to turn back around before answering, "Erin," the look on her face is a mix between dumbfounded and disbelief, "You're pregnant with her boyfriend's kid."
"I know that, trust me, I know. I'm constantly reminded of it. It's impossible for me to forget that, but it's not like we tried for this baby!"
"It's not like you didn't either," Kim shrugs and now Erin wishes she never told her about any of this, but she guesses that's what friends are for, right? To call you out on things? "Look," Kim reaches forward to grab her friend's hand, looking down at her manicured fingers and by the lack of rings she's wearing, she's reminded that she stopped wearing them months ago when her hands started to swell up, causing the ring to be stuck every other day, "Abby feels threatened. Jay has a crush on you AND he got you pregnant. What woman wouldn't feel jealous and intimidated?"
"…what is deliberately telling my parents going to do about that though?"
"I don't know."
Erin pulls her hands away, "…and Jay doesn't have a crush on me."
"He does," Kim affirms, pushing herself up to her feet, "but if you want to be in denial about it then be my guest," she lifts her wine glass up before finishing off the rest of it, "but I just want to say," she begins to walk towards Erin's kitchen, keeping her voice loud enough for her friend to hear, "I saw you two at the bonfire, sitting, laughing, shooting heart eyes at each other and then when we were about to leave and you pulled him off to the side."
"I was just giving him a key," Erin shouted defensively, "It's not like that at all." She's lying through her teeth.
"I don't have a key."
"And I'm not having a baby with you."
"Touché," Kim whispers before turning on the water to clean her glass. There were a few dishes already in the sink and since Kim was already washing her glass, she felt that she'd might as well do the rest. She knows it hurts for Erin to stand for long periods of time and her friend was already overwhelmed and stressing about Jay, her parents, Abby and how things will change with the baby, she didn't need to add anything else to her list of stressors.
Erin sits on the couch, phone in her lap, staring down at the darkened screen and smiling when it finally lightens up. It's a message from him, Sorry for the late response. I was fixing myself something to eat and then I started looking into different precincts to see if anyone's hiring, -JH.
She stands because she's too worried to sit still and even with her aching feet, it doesn't stop her from pacing up and down her hallway from the living room to her bedroom and back again as she types a response, Do you think you're going to stay in the area, -EV. She holds her breath as she waits for a response because he moved to Chicago for a job and now that the job is no longer in the picture, she worries that he may move back.
I'm not going to leave you or the baby, -JH
And upon reading that there was a sigh that released from her lips and her shoulders deflated. She could relax now because at least one concern was squashed; now she can focus on the others.
However, for Jay, he didn't want to think about it. He sets his phone down and walks away from it even as it buzzes on the end table. He goes into the kitchen to put away the leftovers, to wash the dishes and wipe down the counters. He's unemployed so he has the time now to actually clean every inch of this place even though it isn't filthy. He should probably go to the grocery store soon, maybe do laundry tomorrow, make his bed when he gets up in the morning and actually get at least eight hours of sleep. He'd rather not do any of that; he'd rather work but it's just some things he can't control. Jay scrubs the plate as Abby walks into the kitchen, leaning up onto the tips of her toes to brush her lips against his cheek before stepping back, "So, I was thinking…" she starts and he cuts off the spray of the water to hear her better, "I know we moved down here for your job."
"I moved down here for my job, you followed."
"Semantics," she waves it off and he turns to resume washing the dishes, "but anyway, we were happy in Wisconsin. Everything was perfect. And I was thinking maybe we should go back?"
"I'm not going back." There's no room to change his mind yet she wants to try anyway.
"…and why not? We can go back together. Or we can go somewhere new, start all over?"
He shuts the water off again and this time he turns his entire body to face her, "I'm having a baby, Abby, you know this. I can't leave my kid. I can't leave Erin to do this by herself."
"The kid can come visit us! You can't just stay in Chicago for her!"
"I'm staying in this relationship for you!" He says it so loudly, so angrily, so passionately that it forces her to take a step back. He just lost his job and she's poking a sleeping bear right now. He just wants to be left alone. He appeased her by having dinner with her but now he just wants some space to figure out what he's going to do next and how he's going to afford his bills and his baby.
Abby felt her jaw tremble, eyes coating with tears and before he can open his mouth, they start to fall. He reaches out his hand but hesitates before dropping it back to his side. Instead he stands silently and watches her as she cries, "I've done so much for you."
"…and I've done just as much for you."
"I thought you didn't even want the kid! You told me on more than one occasion that you didn't want children! You came here for a job; you stayed here for the job! The job is gone now. I thought if Voight found out then he'd fire you and you would want to move away! But you're just-"
He cuts her off mid-rant, "You thought if Voight found out he'd fire me? So, you wanted me to get fired, Abigail?"
"I-I," she stutters.
"Was Erin right? Did you intentionally tell Voight to get me fired from the job I worked so damn hard for because you," he moves closer to her, his voice spitting venom, causing her to take a frightful step back, "wanted me to leave with you? What kind of a guy do you think I am, Abigail? Did you not once consider that maybe I have more than one reason to stay now? Did you not once consider that I may have changed my mind about my baby? You selfishly told him to get what you want and to get back at Erin."
"No! I-I," she continues to stutter, face on the verge of going as red as a tomato. This was getting out of control. This wasn't going according to plan.
"If you're just going to justify your actions then I don't even want to hear it," he moves to leave the kitchen, shoulder bumping against hers in his quest to get away, yet he stops right under the archway of the kitchen, "you told Voight," he doesn't turn around to face her, "because you knew he would fire me. For months," he emphasized, "I told you about how my boss hated me. You've listened to me vent, you've heard me question whether or not I was even good enough for this position and you just absorbed it all in to use it against me later."
"I didn't use it against you."
"…but you did Abby," he turns around to face her, "by trying to hurt Erin, you hurt me! You were aware of how hostile my relationship with him is and you used that to your advantage. You told him because-" and he cuts himself off as the wheels in his head start to spin, "you told him," he whispered the last part again before asking, "How did you know that he didn't know?"
"What?"
And he scoffs, rolling his eyes, "You heard me, Abby. How did you know that Voight didn't fucking know that Erin was pregnant with my kid? How did you find out that we haven't told him yet," and when she doesn't look like she's going to respond, he moves closer -making sure he doesn't hurt her- he grabs her wrists, keeping her in place and forcing her to face him, "Tell me."
"You told me the day you came home because you thought it was an emergency."
"No, I told you that Erin is the daughter of my boss. So please be honest and tell me the truth!"
"I'm sorry," she's already apologizing and she hasn't even answered the question yet. However, Jay knew by the look in her eyes, the quiver of her lip and the fact that once the answer registered in his mind, she refused to make eye contact. At least she had the decency to look regretful.
"I thought you were going to stop looking through my phone? You claim to love me; you say you trust me, but all of your actions say otherwise."
"…but I can explain-"
"No, you can lie," he practically shouts at her, "you'll try to explain, you'll attempt to justify your actions and I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, I honestly thought it was just a slip of the tongue, but no…"
"I had no intentions of telling Voight when I went there. I admit that I found out that he didn't know about your relationship to the baby but I found out so long ago that I thought you would have told him by now. All I said to him was congratulations, I didn't expect for it to blow up like it did. I didn't purposely try to get you fired babe, I just," her brain is scrambling in search of a way to get her out of this mess, "I assumed that when he found out he would fire you but then days kept passing and you were still working so I thought that he decided against it. Until today, I didn't know that he didn't know. I haven't looked at your texts or emails or social media notifications since then, you have to believe me! And when I brought up you getting fired just now, it wasn't to say that I was happy about it or I wanted it, it was just me trying to flip it around, turn the bad into something good, I thought suggesting we move away would be something positive. I know you want to think the worst of me but I wouldn't do something like that to hurt you."
And he doesn't know what to believe anymore. He has Erin in one ear trying desperately to convince him that Abby intentionally went to her father while Abby is in his other ear trying to convince him of the opposite. He hates being stuck in the middle feeling like he's constantly being pulled in two different directions. And the look on his face, raises concern for her. Abby feels like she's slowly losing control, losing her grip on him, "Whether or not you intentionally told him, you fucked up my career and you did it during a time where I needed it the most. You're lucky you have nowhere to go," he says through gritted teeth the second she reaches to hold his hand and he pulls it away from her, "because I would have kicked your ass out of my apartment."
"It's our apartment," she whispers the correction while silent tears fell down her face.
He puts more distance between them and he's looking at her as if she were a stranger and not the woman he's been with for over a year, "Last time I checked the lease was in my name."
"…but we're both paying the rent." And she doesn't say what else she's thinking because she knows he's thinking the same thing. Now that he's unemployed, she's going to be paying the rent by herself. Abby looks down at the floor, cowering to make herself appear smaller, "I don't mind at all," she adds to the unspoken thought looming in the air, "You need me. It's the least I can do."
Jay leaves her standing in the kitchen, walking off with such purpose and slamming his bedroom door behind him before she can follow. He locks it. He looks around his bedroom, desperately wanting to leave but knowing there isn't anywhere he can go. What money he has, he needs to save. And Erin…he wouldn't ask her to let him stay the night. He knows she would say yes but he refuses to put her in the middle of this quarrel, especially considering how Abby feels about her. He looks at his phone, the device that played such a large role in all of this and despite knowing there are messages waiting for him, he makes no move to read it, instead, he slowly starts to get ready for bed, to tackle a day that he's honestly not looking forward to coming and he ignores the soft knocks of Abby's knuckles as they rap against his locked bedroom door, "Jay."
He lies in bed, pulling the covers up to his chest as he stares at the ceiling, listening to the annoying tones of Abby's knocks. He doesn't say anything. He has nothing to say to her.
"I am so sorry and if you would just open the door and let me give you a proper apology, I promise I will make it worthwhile. I'm not above begging for your forgiveness," she waits for a few seconds to see if he's going to open the door; she presses her ear to the door to listen for any movement, "I thought the two of you had said something to him by then," she lies with such ease; she's perfected the art of it, "I would never try to intentionally hurt you. I figured he didn't know that you were in a relationship when you slept with his daughter but the way he questioned me; I had no choice but to admit to it. He's very…intimidating. I see why you don't like him. You can't let this hurt our relationship, Jay, I'm sorry. I'm always doing things for us. I put us first in every aspect of my life and I always will."
He still doesn't respond and if he had any earphones on him, he would probably stick them in his ears to drown her voice out. Instead, he leans over and turns off the bedside lamp, basking his room in pure darkness.
"I don't want you to give me the silent treatment. It's torture babe," he scoffs upon hearing that, "I am in therapy for you, by your request and this, this isn't good for me. It's setting my progress back, it's delaying my path to healing," she's now desperate because he senses where her next comment will go, "I can't live without you, Jay. And just the thought of living in a world where you aren't in my life isn't an idea I even want to entertain," she cries, "I can't imagine what I'll do to myself if you leave me because I am nothing without you. I'm nothing. My life has no purpose without you in it. I don't want to exist if you're not here."
And he hates the way those words make him feel. She's implying that she'll hurt or kill herself if he left her, she implied it once and she's implying it again, and while he knows he doesn't have a future with her -he doesn't want a future with her- he doesn't want to see her hurt or dead. He's pissed at her, he has no intention of speaking or seeing her right now because he's afraid of what he'll say and even worse, of what he'll do, but he doesn't want harm to come upon her. Despite all she's done, he hates himself that he still cares for her.
"You always know what to say to me when I'm feeling like this. Please don't hesitate to comfort me even when we're mad at each other," he rolls his eyes, "please don't give me the silent treatment. You know I hate that. I-I can't live in a world if you're not living alongside in it with me. I love you too much to let you go."
She needs help and he doesn't want to just drop her, release her to the world and have her be somebody else's problem when he feels responsible for every bad thing that's going on with her.
Jay, apparently always the savior, always wanting to save people can't let this one go. He wants to save her, mostly from herself, and he refuses to give up. He couldn't save his mom. She was sick, doctors found out too late, they told him there was nothing he could do yet he blamed himself, yet his dad blamed him without actually saying the words. His actions spoke them. His brother never blamed him but the distance that grew between them came from Jay simply resembling the mother that he couldn't save. He wants to save and he wants to help, both reasons he became a detective. His values of protection and loyalty are constantly pit against each other and it's so easy to look and think that he should have left her, but how do you break someone and not even attempt to repair them?
It kind of drives him crazy. He isn't a mind reader but he would give up all of his savings just to have access to her thoughts. He can't see things from her point of view. He doesn't know what she's thinking and he's stuck in a cycle, in a toxic relationship that he refuses to name because they aren't physical or violent with each other so he feels like he's crossing a line in even labeling whatever they're doing as toxic, especially because he feels like this is all his fault. Jay had always saw Abby as this perfect woman because that's how she always presented herself and considering how she's been since all of this had gone down -the cheating, the baby, etc.- his mind links that change to him cheating. His mind blames him, associating the turn in her character being a direct result of his actions. Jay's brain constantly reminds himself that she was never like this in Wisconsin, she was never like this before the truth came out about what he did so it has to be him that's responsible, it's him that has her acting like this now.
And she knows that's where his thoughts take him and she doesn't mind taking advantage of that, telling herself it's what she deserves after what he put her through. She uses his guilt against him; she feeds on it, she encourages and welcomes it. Not once has he ever considered the fact that maybe, just maybe, she's always been like this, maybe it was a mask she wore and an act that she put on to win him over, to get noticed by him, to date and be with him. No toxic relationship has ever started with displaying their direct toxicity until they know they have their significant other in their web, so drawn in, so attached that even if they want to leave, they don't. Abby smiles as she presses her forehead against the door, "Sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up," he rolls onto his side, facing away from the door, "I should have discussed it with you first."
Jay has always been filled with compassion, he's always been kind and sweet and the protective nature he has -especially for women and children- has always been his driving force in becoming a detective. And unfortunately, people take advantage of that kindness.
Abby knows what she's doing, a manipulative person can smell their prey from a mile away and those traits -kindness, compassion and protectiveness- were the perfect traits for her to do just that. She looks, acts and always comes across to the outside world, to strangers, to Jay as this innocent woman. Right now, she's sitting on the floor, leaning against the closed and locked door, the sounds of sobs being emitted from her mouth yet her eyes are dry and there are no tear tracks on her cheeks. Abby knocks again and choking up her words she says, "I'll sleep right out here Jay and I'll do anything to earn your forgiveness. I love you," she smiles, the delusion just as foggy in her mind than ever.
He knew her a year before they started officially dating and he's dated her for a year yet his feelings have never changed, they've never evolved or grown with time. She's his comfort zone, whether he realizes it or not, she's the one person he knows won't give up on him like his dad and brother did and won't leave him like his mother unintentionally did. So, Abby knows even though he's angry, even though he's fuming that he's not going to give up on her, at least not without trying to right his wrongs because for all intents and purposes, for all of his mistakes and his bad decisions, he's truly and genuinely a good guy, a great person. And she saw that, admired it actually, and she doesn't want to be alone so she latched herself onto a guy that truly showed an ounce of interest in her and she has no intention of letting that go anytime soon.
Abby is clingy, "I'll do anything to make up for what I did. If we look at the bright side, we can be together, spend more time together." She believes, always believes the lies that she tells herself so there's no way for her to weed through truth and fiction and the more she lives in her delusion, in her made up world of what she believes should be her perfect life, the more it starts to steer her thoughts down a dark path, "If I call you on your cell phone, would you consider answering it?"
Her question is left unanswered and she tries calling once, twice and then a third time, each time he doesn't answer and each time she leaves a voicemail as if he can't hear what she's saying on the other side of the door, "I get you don't want to talk to me but maybe we can text?" She shoots off five messages, all being sent back to back and she stares down at her brightly lit phone, waiting expectantly for a reply.
And when one doesn't come, she stands and says one final parting word before dragging her feet to the couch, "I'm about to go to sleep and I'm hoping a goodnight's rest will do us both some good. I can make us breakfast in the morning," she takes another step away from the door before stopping, hesitating and looking over her shoulder, half expecting him to run out and pull her into his arms and when he doesn't, she says, "I do appreciate you and I might not say it enough but I do. And it's because I appreciate you and I love you that I don't want to lose you, not when we're so good together, not when I'm so vulnerable, not when my therapist advises against me being alone," she makes that last part up, she doesn't have a therapist and because of confidentiality, even if she did, Jay wouldn't be able to get information from this so-called therapist about her, "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would be dead right now if you hadn't given me a chance, if you hadn't cared for me, cared about me and all that you do doesn't go unnoticed." She walks away.
And Jay, when he went into his bedroom and locked her out, she knows he thought about leaving, she could sense it, feel it, know it, so she's desperate and she's not against using his compassion to her benefit. Abby truly believes that she's doing him a favor, convincing herself that he'll thank her in the end. He needs her as much as she needs him, -a match made in heaven. It'll all be worth it when they are back to being the perfect couple she knows they have the potential to become someday. And she isn't going to give up, she isn't going to walk away, she's invested too much time, patience and too much of her heart into this to just let anyone or anything ruin this for her.