EPOV
"For days I kept wondering where did I go wrong, I thought back about what's being said. "
"She believed me, with only one single word"
"After so many times I told her how much I love her it took only one word to doubt everything, she didn't argue against that,"
"Maybe she knew in phoenix that I'm not going to stay for long,
"I must have failed her a lot worse than I thought,"
"What if I asked her for a different promise, would she moved on if I made her promise that after telling her the truth why I had to go?"
" Would she understand?" Or would It be much harder than a clear break"
fear of being hated by her became very dominant, hopefully she'll find out the truth herself one day when she leaves this Earth"
" I don't deserve a moment in her life after what I've done, but knowing that she'll pass away believing that lie haunts my mind"
" I can't let that happen, when the worst day of my existence comes, I'll send her a letter during her final days to let her know I love her so much"
"Maybe my love no longer means anything to her, but I can't let her go like this"
I held her present in my hands along with the pictures and plane tickets. I glanced over to the pictures that has been taken in Bella's house. My little sanctuary in a cloudy town that will always be my true home. I looked at the picture with Bella in my embrace.
"I have to do something," Edward said.
"I'm a liar and a traitor, no wonder there is no afterlife for a creature like me" Edward said.
Carefully he made his way to Bella's home, he entered but Bella wasn't there. The house was quiet her car was gone, she probably went out with her father. Good, hopefully she'll get the emotional support she needs.. or maybe she's already over him. He wouldn't be surprised if she was, a bastard like him deserves no place in her memory.
At first Edward wanted to place her belongings back where they originally lay but that could draw suspicion, he couldn't take these back with him, unless he wants to fail staying away and crawl back to her with his tail between his legs.
Maybe under her bed Edward thought, the wooden floor cracked, and a floorboard rises and fell when he stepped on one. He looked down and noticed it was loose.
Edward then opened it and placed them inside. Symbolically he left his heart behind with her. If only he could leave something more behind. Something that could help her.
He didn't want her to fend for herself alone, he'll think of something after they left Washington. There is only afternoon left before they move to Denali.
-/-
The journey to Denali was hard, Edward remained seated in the back of the Volvo, he looked outside the window seeing the goodbye sign of Forks, his home.
He wished Carlisle would turn back the car and tell him they are going back right now, but Carlisle kept driving, Edward was thirsty but insisted that he can control the thirst just fine. The airport came in sight, and it felt like panic was rising. When their private jet departs he might find peace.
But yet his heart remains in Forks, they checked in and waited until it was time to hop on, Edward ignored anyone who tried to ask something. I couldn't be bothered with anyone not even Carlisle who spoke about the great apartment they'll be living in and that he can look forward to the best Universities in Manhattan.
3 hours seem to go by very fast, when the Jet took off Edward looked down and could see the mountains and the rainy atmosphere that he'll leave behind.
Edward hopes Bella will take her mothers offer and leave to Florida, she should leave the shadows behind because mainly he feels that he ruined Forks for her,
Edward wondered if he should have waited until graduation, he left so abruptly and there was hardly any time to make any good plans, after he broke her heart and his own he felt he left too soon but the damage is already done, at least he managed to run into Billy Black for a favor with an offer he can't resist.
Having the Cullens leave Forks for good might be reasons enough to agree, If he didn't run into Billy he might still be debating if leaving for good is the best option.
As they landed in Alaska Edward felt his brooding fade, mainly because he'll be reunited with his mother.
The only person he wants around him. In a way Esme reminds him of Bella. For once he's happy that he's her favorite adopted son, but wonders if things will change now that he selfishly banned her from her own home, all of them did what he wanted but what if there might be a rift?
There is only one way to find out..
When they arrived life pretty much continued like nothing changed, they just swapped locations.
No hostile thought was present in their mind, It made him feel even worse, He rather gets yelled at, nobody is going to give him an earful.
He will never ask them to do such a thing again, when they redo high school again he will never walk away from problems again.
Carlisle was walking behind him and Esme frolicked toward the first person closest to her.
Esme was happy Edward is here, Now that her family is complete.
Carlisle misses Forks knowing he can't make himself at home but didn't want to let Esme notice anything, When she was done greeting Edward she jubilantly jumped Carlisle
like she hasn't seen him in years.
Tanya welcomed them merrily and showed Edward the largest room, It was tidy, with a nightstand and books he can read.
Edward couldn't stand everyone's thoughts, Tanya thinks he came for her, his brothers want him to join them for grizzly hunting just to forget Bella,
he heard their footsteps towards his guestroom and left through the window before they could say anything, Edward moved through the thick snow and stopped until Tanya's home was still in sight through the fog.
During the winter months I stayed away from anyone, fearing that a vision from Alice might slip through I kept my distance and only checked in through emails or a phone call to my parents. I remain brief and ignore their requests to come back. All I wanted to hear from was Bella.
What was she doing right now? Is she looking forward to the holidays? did she kept her promise. ? does she hate my existence? I couldn't ask Alice to look into her future again for my selfish desire to meddle with her life again.
I never spend a single Christmas with her, I would take her skiing. hire a cottage where I'll keep her close to the fire, have my family over
and the second day of Christmas we would visit her parents and just look forward to the next holiday together.
And there could have been so many more great moments, His heart aces for it.
Right now I feel like I'm the absolute worst, my Parents aren't thrilled that I'm out here in the frozen tundra sulking, I'll probably stay this way for years before I can show myself around others without brooding or snap at them, But it's getting too hard to cope with my loss right now.
there has to be some sort of relief, maybe hearing about some good news.
But what if I could ask Alice to see if Bella is happy or even the slightest sign of recovery,
that's all she's allowed to do. Alice has sworn to me that she'll follow my lead but.. why do I keep torturing myself? I could go back..
"No No No!" I can't.. as much as I would like to, as much as my heart aces to have her with me I just can't" Edward argued with himself.
He left a wonderful life behind, like a land of milk and honey, he replaced it with dread, sucked back into his personal hell. Edward thought about Bella, at the Meadows was his favorite moment.
The phone rang and the caller was Alice, fear formed a prickly heat over me, like a hot blade swiping me across the back.
Why was she calling? Did anything bad happen to Bella?
"Alice?" I answered short.
"Edward um.." Alice began.
"What's wrong? Is everyone all right?" I said.
"Yes.. everyone is fine" It's just that.. I was wondering if It's ok to leave a scholarship for Bella.. I mean you said you wanted to leave something behind that could help her" Alice said.
Edward sighed, "Please don't startle me like this" I thought something terrible happened"
Alice remained silent and I could hear her inhale.
"What aren't you telling me?" I asks fearing the worst.
"It's just I want to help her, I mean I never said goodbye to her" Alice said.
"Alice.." I warned.
"Okay, I've seen things, and I want her to focus on her future.." Alice said.
"What things? Is Bella safe?" I ask.
"Yes" Alice said saddened.
"Good, you can give her a scholarship.. make sure it's not creating any suspicion, use a false name and only cover the expense of the semesters for 2 years, she already saved enough for 1 semester herself" I said.
I wished I could pay for everything and let her go to the best private universities out there but it needs to be believable that the money doesn't come from us,
"That's all you're permitted to do, do not interfere with her life after this, you got that?" I said.
"Okay" Alice said.
"Promise me" I ordered.
"I promise.." Alice said and I closed the phone.
A frosty breeze resembled the numb feeling I have inside, I'm in the middle of nowhere in a frozen tundra feeling sorry for myself.
I'm not sure if agreeing with Alice was the right thing but at least she came up with something much better than my idea.
I wanted to replace her Chevy with an Audi coupe since that slow car of hers could break down in the middle of the road, if that would happen in the middle of the night is a nightmare.
Alice wouldn't tell me what she saw, Bella is alive but chances are high that she's not doing very well. Whatever it is she must forget me. I wish I could help her but maybe the scholarship will put her mind at ease, maybe she could picture a better future.. without vampires.. without me.
At least Bella is at home, I can imagine seeing her and feel her safe in my arms.
-/-
Edward remained in solitude he could think what the best thing was to do to avoid running back to Forks. it keeps on getting harder to keep his composure. He couldn't fail now. He stared in the open atmosphere of the snowy mountains. The apartment in New York is available, Esme went to view the place, but he couldn't come with her, not without losing his sanity that already on the brink of collapsing.
He won't be able to make himself useful and worrying about him won't make it easier for them. Especially his parents.
Esme might not like it that he has to leave again very soon but picking up his life and just go to college won't oppress the urge to just give up.
Would Bella still want him? It hasn't been that long ago but humans tend to rebound in order to cope with the previous partners absence.
He heard careful footsteps coming from behind and when Edward looked behind him Tanya froze in place.
"Not now!" Edward snaps, " I came here to be alone"
"I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you Alice is asking for you" Tanya said, Edward knew she didn't come just to tell him that, flirty images appeared in her mind of them dancing together.
But still Edward regretted being this curt especially for her hospitality without asking anything in return, except for a date.
" What did she want?" Edward asks,
"Something about a scholarship" Tanya said,
" Okay, I'll go see her" Edward said dusting the snow off his coat.
" Wait" Tanya said, " We are not in a hurry, We could have a chat on our way back" Tanya said gleeful.
Edward was not in the mood but didn't like how he spoke to her so he'll allow her to accompany him just this once.
According to Tanya's memory Alice didn't send her, She was talking to Carlisle that Bella has accepted the scholarship without suspecting anything.
So Tanya thought that would be a good reason to disturb his brooding.
Happy that Bella seems to be doing better than he is doing right now, Edward looked over his shoulder annoyed when Tanya tightens her hold around his arms and affectionately leaned against him.
" I'm so happy you are here, You don't have to go to New York, you can stay with my clan and I'll do whatever I can to make your stay worthwhile" Tanya said.
" Tanya I appreciate what you are doing, but just because.. I ended things with Bella doesn't mean. I'll ever be ready to move on" Edward said.
Tanya remained quiet and let go of his arm, " Tanya, please don't take it the wrong way" Edward said.
" You already know I don't feel the same" Edward said, it drives him nut when women go quiet on him when he has to let them down.
"But why did you chose to come to Denali then?" Tanya said, " You have the funds to live anywhere you want"
" I'm sorry Tanya, "
"I couldn't wait until our apartment in New York is available, I had to get out of Forks right away and Denali was the only place that seemed Welcoming still" Edward said,
" Next time I'll book a hotel if this is the last time you want to see me" Edward said. hoping that's not the case.
silence dropped again and Edward wished he didn't drop his guard, does he has to lie to Tanya too?
That he doesn't care about her, that he can't stand being around her so that she will be discouraged to pursue him in the future?
" No I don't think you are ugly, In fact you're beautiful" Edward said when an insecure thought entered.
"But beauty is not enough," Edward said.
"I understand" Tanya said,
Edward carefully held her hand into his like he wants to keep it warm " You'll always be one of my cherished friends,
"The only reason I came was because staying at a friends house is just what I need to clear my head" Edward said.
" You know I want more than that" Tanya said pulling her hand back quick like she burned herself.
Edward flinched in response, It's the second time he gave Tanya false hope, and seems not to be very forgiving this time.
"I didn't mean to upset you Tanya, Please don't hate my guts.. Is there anything I can give you so that things will be remotely better?" Edward pleads.
" Must I leave?" Edward asked, not minding if the answer is yes, at least he has a good excuse to find a distraction elsewhere.
But then frowned, " Not that" Edward said annoyed at her persistence, He doesn't want to go on a date even if that will grand him forgiveness.
"Well I'll get over it," Tanya said calming. Edward wished he had feelings for her, She's eternal, she doesn't need his protection, but he feels no love for her besides seeing her as an ally he respects for not hunting humans.
Edward cupped her face and plants a kiss on her forehead, he took a moment to caress her scalp, Tanya enjoys that not saying a word and just inhaled Edwards scent.
" You'll find your true mate, and after that you'll see I'm not even worth sulking over," Edward said.
Tanya tightened her arms around his waist when Edward wanted the break away,
'No a bit longer' Tanya thought and Edward allowed it for now,
" Shall I ask Alice to see your future?" Edward asks, it might be the only way to leave him in the past, He doesn't want to leave her heartbroken, it reminds him too much of what he has done to Bella.
He feels Tanya nod, and pushed her back to make eye contact, still hoping for a kiss,
Edward exhaled and held both of her hands, "We'll find you someone better Tanya," believe me"