"I believe you owe me a thank you," Kira beamed.
"That wasn't nice of you to force me out of a rather important event only for you to be asleep when I got there," Cagalli replied. "And I don't appreciate the manipulation. Not to mention the insinuation that I would cower out of a meeting with you just because he would be there too."
Cagalli wasn't really all that mad. In fact, she knew Kira was only trying to be helpful and considerate. But she felt especially fragile that day and annoyance was the easier emotion to express. The night she just had shook her to the core. But now she wants more—more of something she has spent so much time conditioning her brain to reject. Everything else seemed lackluster.
She craved Athrun's presence. One moment she settles with the idea of ensuring their night together remained a one-off. The next it wandered through vignettes of his touch and the feeling of his breath against her skin, and her resolve disintegrates.
And so the madness has begun, she thought.
"Aha! So you did spend time together then!" Kira was triumphant.
She blushed at the comment, unable to see how denying it would do any good now that she had inadvertently confirmed Kira's assumption.
She knew she should be thankful for having such a supportive brother, yet she couldn't help but feel the pang of envy. Not everyone can enjoy the freedom of loving another so freely, especially if one is a natural and the other a coordinator.
She sighed. She could only dream of being as free as Kira and Lacus.
"What happened? I have to hear the details," Kira teased. "Is he there with you now?"
God, Kira could be such a child sometimes, she thought. And thanks to Kira, the sensations of last night traveled up her spine again awakening feelings she really didn't need to be aware of at the moment. This was precisely why the alcohol was necessary even though it was the middle of the day. She was a mess.
"Do you have anything else to say or is that it? I'm a busy person and I believe you're supposed to be busy too," she responded, ignoring Kira's prying as she swirled her drink.
"I just wanted to check in and say hi, Cagalli, really," Kira replied. "We haven't had a proper talk since I arrived and I miss you."
"I'm fine." Why was it so hard to say I miss you and I love you these days when it's precisely what she feels, she wondered.
"If you say so," Kira replied before saying his goodbyes.
xxx xxx xxx
Shinn approached Cagalli's office overhearing the tail end of her phone call. He needed to drop off paperwork, but he was mostly there for his own interest. It had been a while since he had a chance to have time alone with Cagalli. He hadn't dared visit her at night for fear of her rejection. He decided he wasn't a masochist after all. And if she were to stop paying him any attention now that Athrun's back, Shinn wanted to at least keep some of his dignity intact.
But dignity meant nothing in the face of what he felt. And he was beginning to fear the worst—that he felt more for her than he ever intended. So there he was with his thinly veiled attempt at spending time with her.
He braced himself. "Cagalli?"
Fully expecting to see Cagalli working, the sight of her weary and drinking something strong caught him off guard.
"Well, you are in no shape to take care of these documents that's for sure," he announced as he entered the room. "I guess I'll be dealing with these myself."
"Your Majesty," she reminded him. "You're supposed to address me properly."
"We're alone, Cagalli."
"Still."
She was sitting by the bay window, looking outside, paperwork on her lap. When she turned around to face a disgruntled Shinn, she tasted a new flavor of shame.
She used him. Try as she might to rationalize it as a mutual understanding, there was no such thing as painless attachment when you bare your body like that to someone. She realized last night how Shinn's friendship bruised her. And if she felt as much, then how much more devastating was it for Shinn? The cruelty of what she had done screamed loudly at her face. Everything she did hurt people, most of all herself. She was doing it again now. She fled from Athrun without a word, treated her brother unfairly, and now she pushed Shinn away.
"I'll take these documents off your hands then, Your Majesty," he spoke, emphasizing her title. He reached for the paperwork on her lap but she swatted his arm. Too close, she thought. She doesn't want him anywhere near her right now.
"Fuck off. I'm perfectly capable. I'm working right now, aren't I?"
"Sure," Shinn replied sarcastically.
"Who was that you were just talking to?" He sat on her desk pretending to ask the question with the smallest bit of interest. He didn't look her way but he was eyeing her from his periphery.
"Kira."
"I see." Shinn felt relief it wasn't Athrun. "How was last night? I heard you left early."
She looked at him with fury in her eyes like a switch had been flipped.
"Why is it any of your business?" Cagalli's agitation shot through the roof thinking Shinn found out about her tryst with Athrun.
"I'm just asking about the ball. I think it's everyone's business considering it's on every newspaper —what the hell has gotten into you?" Shinn was taken aback by what he perceived as defensiveness. Over what, he didn't know. But it piqued his interest now.
"Just leave." Cagalli felt shame warming up her cheeks. She couldn't say it then, but she wanted to say sorry.
"Fine, for fuck's sake," Shinn grumbled. "I'm leaving."
On his way back to his office on the other end of the hall, Shinn caught Athrun walking down the grand staircase from the direction of Cagalli's private quarters. He felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. That was all it took for everything to make sense.
xxx xxx xxx
Athrun strolled idly around the mall. It was packed probably because it was sweltering outside, and everyone wanted to cool off with the air conditioning. The fact that today was a day off was either a blessing or a curse after a night like that. In that moment he felt inclined to think the latter.
When he woke up that morning, he fully expected Cagalli to still be there. He stretched his arms searching for her. When he couldn't feel her anywhere, he sat right up to realize he was completely alone in her bedroom. And so he drove off from the palace to the city looking for something to keep him distracted.
The effort was futile of course. There was never any way to escape thoughts of her.
He didn't understand why she would not at least say goodbye or at the very least leave a message before she took off. That wasn't how it used to be. They always woke each other up, lingered in bed a while and then got dressed together. The way she snuck away that morning made him feel like they had done something wrong. Why was she treating it like a one-night stand? It disquieted him.
Athrun scratched his head in irritation.
For all their tiptoeing around each other, they finally fit back together. Spending last night together was the most he had touched her for a long time. She felt so familiar in his arms. It was as if his arms were made to hold her. So now that she wasn't there to hold again, he ached.
He wanted her. He needed her. That much has been made clear last night.
His patience was wearing thin. The game of cat and mouse had to end, and he decided he would visit Cagalli that night to set the record straight. If she was still under the impression that she could keep pretending that their love was behind them, then he would correct her. That wasn't an option anymore.
"Athrun? Athrun Zala?"
A vaguely familiar voice called from behind him, breaking him free from his thoughts. When he turned around Meyrin Hawke's bright round face greeted at him.
Athrun looked at Meyrin seeing all the ways she has changed. Now a grown woman in her own right, she stopped wearing her hair in pigtails. She wore a modest amount of makeup and was blossoming into her own elegance.
When Athrun returned to PLANT after the war, he made sure that Meyrin would be reunited and returned to her family. The young lady had given her life for him, and it had been the catalyst for growth. After some months of having been stuck in Archangel with him and other Naturals, the red-haired girl had blossomed into a young woman. Shedding all of her childish fantasies, Meyrin had begun to look in earnest for a purpose in life. Some months later he heard from a former colleague that Meyrin had begun work with a philanthropic agency. Good for her, he thought. She was always organised, dependable. While he had never gotten quite as close to her apart from being her sole friend in an enemy ship, seeing her transformation inspired Athrun.
"It has been a long time," Athrun said genuinely happy to have bumped into his former subordinate if only to take his mind off his overthinking. "I barely recognized you. How have you been?"
Meyrin, ever the cheerful one, gave Athrun a big hug. "And you haven't changed at all! I'm doing amazing. I can't believe it! I'm so happy to see you again."
"What are you doing here?"
"My family's celebrating my parents' wedding anniversary and they wanted to go on a holiday by the beach. And you know, Orb has the best beaches."
"Would you like to go have a cup of coffee?" Athrun asked. It was a friendly gesture. "Or are you with someone else?"
"I'm with my mother. But she's busy shopping and combing through the deals at the department store. She won't mind if I disappear for a while," Meyrin replied. "Come, there's a café that was strongly recommended by my coworker the other day. Let's try it out while we catch up."
Athrun smiled and followed along. Meyrin had gotten a bit taller, he noted. She had turned, what, twenty-one? Maybe twenty-two, Athrun thought. Athrun felt his foul mood slip away in exchange for a better one. His troubles won't go away. So, for now, he'll try and live in the moment.
Athrun ordered a macchiato and Meyrin a latte. She was particularly keen to see how good the latte art this café was famous for. After bantering for a bit, Athrun succeeded in insisting he pay for it. They took a small nook in the far corner and shared a bit of quiet between them. Meyrin took an obligatory picture of her drink. He assumed she would be posting it online.
His thoughts drifted to a faraway memory.
It was on a hot day like today when Cagalli shocked him the revelation of her undercover online account. He never pegged her as a social media type of person. But to his amusement, she kept an anonymous kebab review account full of jokes and witty remarks.
"You must really like kebabs then—I mean more than I thought you did," Athrun still rather speechless in total fascination as he scrolled through Cagalli's feed. Then he noticed her handle which read as and he burst into laughter.
"This is phenomenal," Athrun was practically in tears. Cagalli had a particularly intense kebab argument with another user under the comments section of one of her posts and the puns that were thrown around were incredible.
"I don't get to post as much anymore. I miss it," she replied grinning.
Her account had a sizeable audience. Almost two hundred thousand follows for what is effectively a kebab fan page.
Athrun looked at his girlfriend. She was just a young woman who enjoyed weird food combinations and memes. She had a witty sense of humor and her soul craved adventure and discovery. Yet there she was now, desk bound.
"We're going to a kebab place next time we go out," Athrun offered. It's not much. There was a lot of unspoken agony that Cagalli never let him see. But he could tell that she was struggling with the burden of ruling a nation that had just fallen on her lap.
She smiled back at him, understanding what he was trying to do. "Okay, but if it sucks, you're paying."
"What do you mean? I always pay for us!" Athrun protested.
Then they both laughed at the inside joke. Cagalli being a princess meant she would always be richer than he was. Does that mean I'm your sugar mommy, she teased him once.
"I just wish I could still walk around on my own, take the train, play racing games at the arcade and buy video games at the mall without my every move scrutinized."
He was hurting for her. She spoke of loss she didn't deserve. "I'll wear a wig with you and go undercover."
Cagalli looked at him with wide eyes. He's in trouble now. "No take-backsies!" She wrapped her arms around his neck and his hands immediately found their way down her kissed him so freely then without having to double check if anyone was around.
"What are you smiling about?" Meyrin teased, bringing him back from his reverie.
"Nothing. I just remembered something funny," he smiled though not at Meyrin but at the memory. His mind always found a way to rouse memories of Cagalli like how all rivers run to the sea.
"I'm happy to see you smiling. You were always so serious back then," Meyrin said as she set her cup down. "Brooding and mysterious. No wonder half the female staff of Minerva drooled over you. Myself included."
Athrun blushed at the comment. He was aware of course. But it always made him uncomfortable. He never knew how to respond to something like that.
"But honestly, I'm glad I had a crush on you then. If it weren't for that I wouldn't have ended up at the Archangel."
"I'm sorry, I really did drag you into something you had no business dealing with," He replied. "I took you away from your sister—"
"Stop right there!" She cut him off, wagging a finger. "I made those choices. Not you. And that's all it boils down to, don't you think? Choices."
Both of them took a sip from their respective drinks.
"And like I said, I'm glad I ended up with the Archangel. It showed me the other side—the side no one tells you about at the ZAFT academy," she added.
Athrun nodded in response.
"It's why I ended up in my line of work. I wouldn't have discovered my passion for nonprofit if I never had a crush on you," she joked. "You were my first nonprofit client, come to think of it. There was no profiting or getting anything out off of that!"
Athrun smiled. "I'm sorry. I hope it you didn't feel like I was leading you on."
"No, no," Meyrin waved her hand. "It was clear as day once I regained consciousness and I watched you around your friends and Representative Athha. I was under no impression that you would like me back."
"I'm sorry," he repeated. He did always feel a different kind of guilt towards Meyrin. She was always sweet. The last thing he wanted was to embitter her view of men and the world. "But I am infinitely thankful for what you've done for me. I doubt I'd be alive today if you hadn't helped me out."
"Oh stop it," Meyrin smiled. "I promise you, it was just a childish crush. Nothing like when I split with my first love not too long ago. God that was gnarly."
"It's his loss, whoever he is," Athrun attempted to make her feel better without wanting to pry. He too had lost love. He was still trying to get it back to this day. And he knows how easily those scabs rip off with the littlest prodding.
"Exactly!"
They both laughed at that. He was relieved that she didn't seem affected by the breakup she alluded to. There was strength behind Meyrin's pep, something he wish he had.
"But hey, enough about me! Tell me about you. I heard you went back to join Orb forces. I assume that's why you're here now. How's everything going?"
"I did. I've reenlisted and I'm planning on staying here for good," he shared.
"Oh, that's lovely!"
They continued to chat drifting from one topic to another. From Meyrin, Athrun learned that Lunamaria had stayed with ZAFT and was now a drill sergeant at the academy. In turn he shared with her that Shinn was working for Orb.
"Shinn always did have a love-hate relationship with this country. But it's clear he thinks of it as home no matter how angry he got," Meyrin commented.
Athrun wanted to investigate how Shinn ended up in Orb but he felt sinister about doing so. Lunamaria and Shinn had fallen into each other's arms at the end of the second war, or so he heard. But clearly that had disintegrated as soon as it came to be. Meyrin might be able to fill him in on the details but it felt duplicitous to coax her into talking about her sister in the hopes of learning more about Shinn.
The closeness between him and Cagalli brought out the worst in him. Cagalli specified there were no feelings, that it was only a physical relationship. Yet he couldn't bring himself to accept that as the truth, at least not from Shinn's part.
"I have seen Shinn around," Athrun replied. But really, that would be an understatement. Shinn lingered around Cagalli. He was in most press clippings of Cagalli, just standing in the background. Of course, that's to be expected from a personal aide. And yet there was something in the way Shinn looked at Cagalli, something in the way he lays a hand on her back when he's escorting her out of the car.
"Well when you do, please rub it in his face that my sister is getting married in the Spring. I hope he enjoyed his time and space that he needed away from her!"
Surely, it's fair game now that Meyrin had brought it up, Athrun thought.
"Oh? I had the impression that Lunamaria and Shinn were in love." The temptation was too much to resist. He felt dirty.
"I don't know about that. Shinn was always way into himself before anyone else," Meyrin commented. "I don't wish him any ill will but he just up and left my sister saying he needed distance. And all of a sudden, he's devoted to rebuilding Orb. They were supposed to settle back in PLANTS. It makes no sense!"
Athrun bit his tongue in fear than anymore prying would expose his malice.
"I get we all want to do a job we're passionate about. I don't want to judge him. But he should've been upfront with my sister about it, you know!"
"Well, never mind him. The important thing is your sister is happy and soon to be married," Athrun steered. "I'm happy for her. I hope everything is going well with the wedding planning."
"She is a bridezilla! I tell you!" Meyrin laughed.
xxx xxx xxx
Athrun got home at around six in the evening that day. His apartment was dark and humid. The warm stale air loomed over him as he dropped his keys in the vanity tray. He turned on the AC before he even turned on his lights. He spent all of one night away and his apartment seemed so foreign to him again.
He checked his phone if Cagalli had left a message as he got out of his clothes. But there was nothing. Not a voicemail or a text or a missed call. He tried hard not to let it drive him to insanity.
He called the palace office to see if Cagalli had returned. He knew it would jumpstart gossip but he didn't know her direct number anymore. He was losing control of himself. When he reached Cagalli's secretary, she told him that she was still out. He wanted to interrogate the poor secretary in case she was lying under Cagalli's orders again. But it seemed she was telling the truth, intimidated enough to be on the receiving end of Athrun's adamant inquisitions. He tried to ask if he could get ahold of Cagalli's other aides who might know her whereabouts. But when the secretary offered to connect him to Shinn as he would know for sure, Athrun balked. It's okay, he said before hanging up, even when it wasn't okay at all.
After last night, it's as if every moment apart from Cagalli was rife with nothingness. He didn't know what else to do with his time. What had he even done with himself before? The restlessness was taking root in him. How did he survive all this time apart from her, he wondered.
He wanted to do something, do whatever it takes for her to give in to him. The thought of her retreating from him again was driving him insane.
He plopped on the couch and fiddled with his phone. His pent-up energy needed release.
He tapped on a folder of photos in his phone that he hadn't revisited in a while. It was an album of pictures of him and Cagalli together. There was one where he buried her in the sand and only her head poked out. There was one stolen shot of her while she was sleeping. There were several videos of her in his apartment kitchen, cooking him dinner that always resulted in highly experimental food. And then there were some of his that she took using his phone when he wasn't looking—silly ones, like him getting drunk over a strong native Orb mead when Cagalli dared him to try it. There was that one picture of him sleeping and Cagalli had drawn circles around his eyes so he looked like a panda. She was kissing his cheek in that picture. It was his wallpaper for a really long time.
All the joy they shared spilled out of his phone's screen. He kept scrolling. The last picture was taken before the two of them visited Durandal. The ominous final photo. It was their anniversary and Athrun arranged for them to have an entire amusement park with a little help from Kisaka. Athrun took the selfie with his head resting on Cagalli's shoulder. She wore a bunny ears headband, enjoying a popsicle, smiling sweetly. If he could travel back in time to that day and tell himself all that would proceed to happen in just a few months, he knew his younger self would never believe him.
They were so happy, Athrun thought. He felt loaded tears drop from his eyes. He tried hard to keep it together but today it seems it had all reached a fever pitch. Maybe this was why he decided to stow away the photos in the first place. Maybe this was why Cagalli pushed him away so forcefully, why she tried hard to pretend she felt nothing. There he was brewing in the agony and it was not enjoyable at all. Feeling this deeply cut like no other.
What was wrong with him, he scolded himself. It was so unlike him to lose control over his feelings. He felt heavier and heavier, frustrated over feeling so stuck in an impossible situation and now he was delirious.
But a quiet knock had come at six fourty-eight that evening. It changed everything all at once.
She stood there, hands in her pocket and eyes glued to the floor. He was saved.
"Athrun—"
Before she could speak further, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her inside his apartment. As soon as the door was shut behind her, he wrapped his arms around her like his life depended on it. Last night she felt like water in his hands, ready to run from his grasp. But tonight, she stood there before him, brought there by her own two feet.
There came relief, then the gratitude.
"Aren't you going to ask why I'm here?" She asked, a wry smile on her face.
"No, it doesn't matter."
He felt her hug him back perhaps reluctantly at first. Then he felt her arms tighten around him to let him know she too was done with the yearning.
"I've got so much to tell you," she said.
"Then stay," he responded.
"Athrun I can't be seen leaving here in the morning."
"I don't care."
"Athrun—"
"And you really don't care as much as you say you do," he continued.
She broke their hug. She was quiet for a while, still avoiding his gaze. But slowly she raised her head to finally face him, determination in her eyes. And the words gently rolled out of her mouth: "You're right. I don't care."
xxx xxx xxx
They stumbled into his bedroom. The kisses they exchanged were incessant, desperate as he fumbled around the back of her neck for her dress' zipper. He felt her skin, smooth and soft like silk sheets as he slid his hand up her inner thigh. She smelled of her body wash, lavender and honey, he noted as he left a mark there.
She took off the pendant she gave him and set it aside on his vanity before they stepped in the shower. She washed his hair and scrubbed his back for him, impressed that he still used the same shampoo after all this time. The sensation of her nails on his scalp sent shivers down his spine. He asked about her day, and she asked about his. They stayed in the bathtub for a while with his arms wrapped around her. She told him once she felt safe when he hugged her from behind. And with her in his arms he had something to protect, a reason to be.
Later in the evening he fixed dinner for the two of them. It was nothing spectacular but she told him his cooking had gotten better. It was as if they had lived like this all their lives, like the years they spent apart were but a blink of an eye. They talked about everything and anything.
The alarm clock next to Athrun's bed read two-sixteen. They were in bed now. He was trying to sleep and failing. He could tell she was equally as restless. Their peace was fragile even as they were hidden in his room.
"I don't know what we're doing, Athrun. This doesn't feel right," She whispered.
"We will be alright," he said instead of answering her question.
He had no idea what would become of them, of course. Who could ever answer such a question. He had no idea how they would survive but at least for now they'd have each other.
"Come to me. And if you can't, I will come to you," he continued. "I'm here now, aren't I? You don't have to brave all of this alone anymore."
It was meant to be comforting but déjà vu seldom achieves that. She was sure she had heard the same words before, but she didn't bother telling him so. She just held onto him even tighter. Somehow she thought if she kept her eyes closed, none of her fears would come true.