A hazy voice was trying to reach him. Muffled as if submerged in water, yet distinct enough to cut through. He recognized it.
"This is your home so long as you want it to be."
But I blamed you. I hated you. How could you say that?
"If this country is to ever prevent another war, Shinn, then I hope you'll stay and lend me your power."
Forgive you?
"You don't have to act so tough all the time, you know."
I'm the one who should be apologizing.
"Because the longer you convince yourself you're angry when you're actually hurt, the deeper the wound gets."
For wanting to tear you down.
"It's okay."
xxx xxx xxx
Shinn woke up from an unintended nap inside his car feeling even more tired than he should be. He had been putting in overtime more than usual lately and perhaps it was finally taking a toll on him.
His windows were rolled all the way down yet sweat sat on his neck. All alone in the parking lot, he felt rather disoriented for a few seconds as he returned to consciousness. A dream, he thought, just a dream of a memory lost in time yet it wasn't such a long time ago that it happened. Had he really changed all that much to feel so far removed from who he used to be only two years ago, he wondered. Or perhaps he owed it to shame for delicately stowing away the growing pains of that day in the back pockets of his mind.
He was searching for remnants of his life then. He was disillusioned, not knowing which direction to go or who to believe. All the rage inside him revealed itself as a deep sorrow. He tried hard to rectify the powerlessness of being made to watch the people he loved die before him, yet all it did was make him mean. Without an enemy, he was all alone. And that, he realized, is a horror of a different magnitude.
Of course it haunted him—the lives he took, the lives he would have so willingly taken without thinking twice. If he looked at the mirror, he'd find a monster. Did Stella's abusers feel the same guilt? And what of the politicians who made the decisions in safe bunkers as soldiers like him risked it all? Whenever he was reminded that most of these people never cared at all, the anguish swells inside him.
There was no trigger, no grand event that led him to turn his life upside down. But it was always bound to happen.
One day he woke up in his apartment feeling like a foreigner. It was a slow awakening. There was nothing in there for him but sterile white walls and the smell of cold air. And if he ventured out into his balcony, the soulless engineered weather of PLANT would hardly be an inspiration to go out or even draw the curtains. The colony was never his home.
He quit ZAFT for good, booked a flight and packed up his belongings all in one day in his impatience. And when he was at the airport, that was the only time he dared tell anyone—not that he had a lot of people in his life left. Lunamaria's cries were visceral even through the phone. But try as he might, he couldn't find it in him to feel compelled to stay. He had nothing there for him. Not even her. He said he needed time away and that it was something he needed to do without distractions. She had been there for him through the last battle. She was his shoulder to lean on. But if that was love then why did he feel so lost, he thought.
He came back to Orb to realize that while he had gotten older in age, there was very little he could claim to have learned in his time away. All he had accumulated were wounds to tend to. He looked at the traffic of people around him. He looked at the signs to destinations he knew well—places he frequented with his school friends, Mayu's favorite ice cream shop, the cinema. Even as he found himself on familiar ground, he still didn't know what he was looking for.
But whatever it's called, fate or coincidence, Shinn happened upon Cagalli giving a speech at the plaza one Spring afternoon.
Her blonde hair caught his eye first, her face on every screen. And when she began to talk about the very same ideals he had once condemned as naïve, a need opened up inside him like a chasm that needed to be filled. He craved to believe in something, to be moved. In the midst of that humid afternoon, Representative Athha's words did just that.
He waded through the crowd until he reached the front barricades. His eyes remained fixed on her as she spoke of peace, fresh starts and the way forward. He was sure she had several speech writers work on what to say, but she had a sincere quality about her, he thought.
Even back when he threw all his hatred at her, he was never truly angry. He knew that now. Behind every angry insult, he meant to say he was bleeding dry. He was hurting. He was mourning for the optimism, the youth, the idealism he lost. But in the early days of the second war, Cagalli could still wear her heart on her sleeve, and it mocked him. He couldn't do that anymore. Not since his family was blown to pieces and he was left all alone.
But fresh off ZAFT, away from combat and back to a place that held all his most precious memories, Shinn wanted to be carried away. He so willingly wanted to feel something. So he let her words reach into him.
When she finished her speech, she was escorted quickly down from the stage. Before he could think twice about what he was doing, his feet brought him to her. He pushed himself through the crowd, stepping on toes and earning curses from those he elbowed. As she shook hands, accepted flowers and took photos with the crowd on her way back to her car, he burst through the sea of people. He was easily just another nondescript face in the ocean of people yelling at her, yet she recognized him immediately.
"Shinn Asuka," she called with a gentle smile. She remembered his full name. It struck him.
"Cagalli Yula Athha," he replied.
A bodyguard tried to chastise him for not addressing Cagalli with her formal titles, but she immediately stepped forward to lay a hand on Shinn's shoulder to vouch for him.
"It's okay, I know him," she said with kind eyes.
She asked if he wanted to talk and by the time they made it back to her office, they had already exhausted all the small talk they could think off. When Shinn blurted out an anguished apology out of the blue, she didn't ask for details. Instead she gave him a job, a place to stay and something to protect.
He remembered the way in which she forgave him—her tone, her unwavering understanding as if she personally knew of his feelings of guilt all too well. It occurred to him now almost two years later that perhaps the reason he made his way to Cagalli that day was to hear those words exactly— the words 'I forgive you.'
xxx xxx xxx
The next day, Shinn waited in the hallway, faintly hearing the spirited debate inside the room. It was an emergency meeting, called immediately after word got around that several countries started a petition calling to abandon the Nuclear Ceasefire Agreement in favor of the proposed Nuclear Eradication Act. This increasingly bold push for an all-or-nothing destruction of all nuclear weapons was a problem for important investors. Orb itself harbored several companies that generated parts and components for weaponry production. If the ceasefire were to be discarded in exchange for complete regulation, a multi-billion industry collapse would cripple the world economy.
Shinn wondered how Cagalli would respond. He already knew she sided with the complete eradication of nuclear weapons, though she had muted her own opinion in favor of a more appeasing position.
About an hour passed until Cagalli abruptly burst out of the double doors. Immediately behind her was buzzing conversation. No one tried to stop her from leaving. Her bodyguards tailed her, but Shinn tried to keep up with her pace.
Something very wrong happened, he reckoned.
"What happened?" He called out.
She didn't answer. She made a turn into the private wing of the palace. Her bodyguards stopped following her. Once they were out of earshot, Shinn called out to her again.
"Cagalli! What happened?" He repeated.
She slowed down until she finally stopped. They were alone now in the hallway leading to her bedroom.
"Well, for starters, they want Orb to go ahead and encourage development of nuclear support! The very opposite of what the world needs! Do you know what that fucking means? It means we have been working hard for nothing. Fucking nothing!"
He heard the frustration in her voice. That feeling of hopelessness—he knew it all too well.
"They said we could never be too careful, that we could never trust the other side," she continued. "But how can the space colonies ever feel safe when the Earth Alliance wants to keep polishing their metal fucking dicks and parading it around like it should be worshipped."
"What will you do?" Shinn asked, catching up to her. When he caught sight of her red face, he realised she was on the verge of tears.
"Half of the people in that room own stock in the nuclear sector, do you understand?" Cagalli roared as she pounded a fist against the wall. "I can't do anything! I'm completely powerless!"
Angry hot tears streamed down her cheeks but she didn't wipe them away. He wanted to console her but there was a chasm between them that cannot be bridged.
"And that wasn't all," she continued.
She looked up at him with red eyes. He saw that she hesitated for a second before speaking. "They brought up marriage," she said, slowly. "They demanded that it happens soon. That is, it would be a distraction from the Nuclear Ceasefire Agreement mess if I got married now. It'll help divert the headlines away."
"Do you have to?" He asked.
"I think I do. I've already had one failed engagement, Shinn," she answered. "I'm on thin ice. And it would definitely help placate them if I married one of their minions."
He thought about what she said for a while. He knew that feeling of being swallowed whole by things beyond his control.
"What about Zala," he asked, because he needed to know, if only to confirm that at the very least Shinn wouldn't be alone in his misery.
She glared at him before turning her back. He could tell she was appalled but it was a necessary question.
"I don't know," she said, slamming the door to his face.
xxx xxx xxx
It was already late in the afternoon and he was still stuck at work. The events that took place that morning put him in a sour mood.
He wanted to check in on Cagalli but he didn't want to complicate her situation. Athrun took his place and she seemed to be better for it. It was obvious. It was in the way she ate breakfast more often, how she had color in her cheeks again, how she hummed along to the music in the car.
But it was also in the fact that she never talked to him about anything other than work anymore. It was in the fact that she never let him touch her ever again, not even a hand on her shoulder.
Fuck you Athrun Zala, he cursed under his breath.
While he was relieved to see her open up her heart again, it would be a lie to say he did not feel displaced. There would be no more room for him—at least not in the same space he used to occupy in her life. It had never been more than a physical arrangement. It was his fault for thinking it would ever go beyond that.
That morning, when she slammed the door on his face he couldn't help but feel like he had been wronged twice over by his former commander.
Shinn banged his fist on his desk out of frustration at the same time Athrun entered the office. They both immediately swapped looks that could not possibly be amicable.
"What's wrong?" Athrun asked after a few awkward seconds passed without a word.
Shinn was tempted not to answer but he decided it would be even more troublesome if he acted like Athrun wasn't in the room. He didn't know what Athrun was doing there. He wasn't expecting him. And it pissed Shinn off even more to have Athrun prowling around his space. He was losing too much to his former commander.
"Nothing. Just scheduling conflicts for the press secretary and the upcoming Green Summit," he grumbled. "They just won't seem to agree to the terms that's all."
That wasn't a lie. He was in fact dealing with a difficult email exchange. Though how much of his outburst was thanks to that was debatable.
"I can help if it's too much to handle," Athrun offered though he wasn't so sure his intentions were as pure as he wanted them to be. He felt a certain kind of satisfaction knowing there were victories he could wave on Shinn's face. "Schedules can be complicated."
That was a step too far.
"No thank you, Zala." Shinn lost his temper first. The insinuation that he did not know what he was doing was enough to ignite the fight he always knew would break out between them at some point. "Would you respectfully fuck off? I'm sure you've got other things to keep you busy. I don't know, deflect to another military or whatever it is you like doing in your spare time."
Athrun's fists tightened.
"Why are you back here in Orb, Shinn? Tell me," Athrun usually did better at managing his emotions. Yet it was so much easier to give in especially when he had always been waiting for the chance to throw shots at Shinn. His pride took a hit and he'd been nursing a bruised ego. Since Cagalli revealed her relationship with Shinn had been a lot closer behind closed doors, he was tormented by thoughts of Cagalli in someone else's arms.
"It's none of your business," Shinn dismissed Athrun.
"I heard from Meyrin you left PLANT without saying a word."
"So you've been talking to Meyrin. I assume Cagalli doesn't know that." It was a low blow, but Shinn had to hit Athrun where it hurts. "Gotta keep your options open in case you need a backup plan, huh?"
"You think my relationship with Cagalli is that shallow? Maybe you would do something like that but don't group me along with the types of you." Athrun scoffed. He felt like a school kid in the playground getting into a petty fight over who could use the swing next. "You know nothing."
"I know a lot acutally." A bluff.
"I'm sorry if this is a disappointment to you, Shinn, but I've known her for much longer than just a year or two."
"And it only took me a few months to get in her bed."
Athrun saw red and in a flash, he had grabbed Shinn's collar, pinning him against the wall. The papers on Shinn's desk flew everywhere and some of the books on his shelf fell on the floor with a loud bang. And one of the secretaries in the room next door rushed out with a gasp.
"What?" Shinn taunted. "Too much for you to handle? I could help you." He pushed back, planting a punch on Athrun's jaw. He wasn't going to take this one lying down.
Athrun wasted no time returning an equally charged attack. But before the two could go further, one of the palace guards rushed to break the fight along with one of the receptionists.
"Hey, what's going on here?" The guard asked, standing in between Athrun and Shinn.
"Nothing. It's okay," Shinn said, chin up as he straightened his uniform.
"We're fine."
Athrun touched his lip to find it busted and bleeding. He cleared his throat. "Yes, perfectly fine."
"This is no place to fight," the guard warned sternly before heading out. The receptionist hesitantly went back to her station, looking thoroughly disturbed by what she saw. No doubt the incident would be palace gossip by tomorrow.
Athrun returned his attention to Shinn, fighting the urge to grab his collar again.
"I know it's your job to be around her but I'd rather you keep your distance from now on Shinn," Athrun commanded.
"You're not my boss. She is. And she hasn't told me to get lost yet," Shinn said turning his back now.
He thought about Cagalli and the bitter sting of reality setting in. Shinn was coming to terms that he had fallen into a delusion willingly, eyes open. He knew the terms in which their relationship worked. She was always clear about that. But he was lonesome, afraid of his uselessness.
Shinn had enough of arguing but he would claim victory this time after all "She's marrying someone else, you know."
Athrun's brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"
"Ah, so she hasn't told you."
"Tell me what, Shinn?" Athrun demanded.
"She went into a meeting today and it was decided that she's to marry someone," Shinn chose the most cutting combination of words he could think of, disregarding any consequences just then. Even if he misrepresented the situation, he wouldn't deny himself the opportunity to hurt Athrun. He flashed one last defiant look as he delivered the final blow: "And it sure as hell won't be you."