Four miles worth of people restrained by a barricade cheered for her as her entourage came to a stop. She got out from the car looking every bit as regal. She wore a small tiara with pearls and emeralds, and her violet dress hugged the curves of her body. She pulled her gloves up and took a deep breath. It was showtime, she readied herself.
A roar of excitement erupted as she waved and began to approach the crowd.
"We drove six hours just to see you!"
"Can I take a selfie with you, please!"
"My son drew this portrait of you!"
"We all wish for your good health, ma'am! Thank you for your hard work!"
One by one, Cagalli shook each clamoring hand reaching out of the crowd. She heard all sorts of well wishes from gratitude to adoration. It was a national holiday and there was to be a parade after her brief appearance. There was confetti on the street, people waved flags, and planes flew overhead trailing smoke in Orb's colors.
A little boy sitting on his grandfather's shoulders reached out to hand her a stuffed toy in the shape of a crab. It immediately caught her attention. It reminded her of a treasured memory. She gave the boy a pat on the head as she expressed her gratitude. The boy, flustered, hid behind his grandfather.
"Ma'am!" A voice called from behind a bouquet. A young couple were revealed behind it when she took the flowers off their hands.
"Hello," she greeted them. "Thank you so much for these lovely flowers!"
"Ma'am, we—we just want to say thank you!" The man stuttered, clearly nervous. "Your work and determination to ensure that Orb remained open to everyone—we wouldn't be here without you!"
Her eyes widened at the confession.
The woman spoke this time. "We would have lost our lives if we weren't allowed refuge here during the war, ma'am."
She was too astonished to talk.
"I'm a Coordinator ma'am, and Lily here is a Natural." The man explained. "There was no way we would be able stay together without judgment anywhere else. And with Orb, there's growing acceptance for couples and families like us."
"That's—" She held back tears. Not here, she scolded herself. "I'm honored to fight your corner."
She shook both their hands, looking intently at the the couple. The couple mirrored her own situation. One a Coordinator, the other a Natural. She fought for their corner but she didn't fight for her own.
"We love you!" Someone yelled loud and clear over the crowd. Everyone cheered in agreement.
She waved and smiled until her cheeks hurt. She came there fully prepared to have to pretend to enjoy herself. But a mask wasn't necessary that day after all. She felt a familiar feeling as she made her way through the street. She was herself for the first time in a long while.
"Ma'am, I think we should head out soon," one of her bodyguards notified her.
"Just a while longer," she waved the bodyguard off as she knelt to meet the children who ran towards her.
"Flowers for you," a little girl offered. Cagalli plucked one of the hibiscus blooms and tucked it in her ear.
She gave each of them a hug.
Her father had once told her that her job was within the system. Her government constantly chastised her for developing sympathies with the list of people they deemed as enemies. It was us versus them.
But right there, amongst her people, she could see very clearly why that was merely a simplification brought on by fear. All this time she listened to people who only had their own interests to protect. To threaten the wellbeing of all these people for the sake of the handful privileged made her blood boil. She allowed them to bully her, to maim her into submission. No, not anymore. It all seemed so silly to her now that she ever listened to those cowards.
She looked around her.
This was what she did everything for.
This was peace—a time when people could look up at the sky not in fear of bombing, but in awe of the aerobatics on display. There was no paranoia about gathering in large groups and people of all backgrounds, Naturals and Coordinators alike, could gallivant around the capital and spend time with loved ones.
This was what they fought those wars for.
She acknowledged that her father simply wanted to protect her. He was from a different time. But it was harder to understand the impact of every decision made from within the luxury of the palace walls. The previous generation spent so much time preserving, guarding, doubting. That was the past. Instead of walking on eggshells around each other, her generation would open up the world. The future was theirs to claim.
She saw young families, strollers in tow. There were children playing with bubbles. There was a couple walking sharing candy floss with each other, while an elderly couple was sitting on a park bench inspecting the festivity pamphlets.
She thought of him.
Athrun.
Before her was a glimpse into the future where they could be together, the dream they shared.
"God Save the Queen!" They chanted.
She looked back to the crowd and gave them one last wave. They lifted her up. She decided then that she would never let them down again. If these people put their trust in her, then she would put her trust in them too. She would tear down the walls that kept people isolated and alone. And in order for that to happen, she needed to free herself from her own prison first.
xxx xxx xxx
Start with what you feel was Kira's advice, she repeated to herself. As soon as she got back to the palace, she ran to her bedroom without a care for any of her staff or courtiers might think.
Once inside, she dismissed the two maids who waited for her there.
"I will dress myself from now on," she declared opening the door for them to leave. "You've done nothing wrong. You've served the household well and I'm sure I will need your help at some point. But I can worry about what I wear from now on."
The maids looked at each other with some trepidation but they bowed and walked out as they were instructed.
From there she rummaged through every cabinet and drawer. Such a massive room and not a single pair of scissors in sight. Without wanting to let anything interrupt her momentum, she ran down to one of the department offices and pilfered a pair from the first pen holder she saw.
Don't run with scissors, Mana always said. Cagalli was running anyway.
Inside the bathroom, she looked at herself in the mirror.
In front of her stood a woman who had been repressing every part of herself for the past two years. She bent herself out of shape, fell into the trap of believing she couldn't trust anyone at all. Well, the woman in the mirror was done with all of that.
She thought of Athrun. She missed him. She wished he were there.
She shook her head.
This was something she needed to do on her own. She wanted to love him right, to make him happy. She wanted to be someone he could rely on. If she wanted to accomplish all that, then she needed to do this on her own, without anyone holding her hand.
She looked at the pair of scissors in her hand. She had never been powerless. She always had the choice. She would take that now, unafraid.
Cagalli leveled the scissors just below her jaw. She took a deep breath and started cutting.
xxx xxx xxx
The room swarmed with disapproval. Everyone had gotten up as the meeting escalated.
"I will support the Nuclear Eradication Act," she repeated, projecting her voice as loudly as she could. She refused to let their dissatisfaction mute her out. "I will agree to move forward the dismantling of the nuclear development sector and I will encourage other nations to follow suit."
"The Coordinators will scorch Earth to the ground and we will be left without any defense!"
"This is unacceptable!"
"That's right!" Another voice concurred, followed by a murmur of reinforcements. "Do you want this country to be completely isolated, to be laughed at? Other nations are keeping their arsenal while you want us to disarm—"
"Fear mongering only takes us so far before we start hating each other again," she defied. "Your argument is not in keeping with the facts. Only last month more nations joined the petition to move forward the Nuclear Eradication Act."
"What naïveté! You have never been right for this position—"
"I can admit to my inexperience as someone much younger than most people on this table. But could you admit to your dishonesty? Could you admit to everyone right here, right now, that the reason why you and your lackeys want to hold Orb back is because you have vested interests in the nuclear sector?" She gestured to half the table. She returned the personal attack, appearing undaunted but heart threatened to break out of her ribs.
The room hushed. Cagalli shed a light on the ugly truth, something no one dared to do before. One half of this room were composed of people were rich and powerful enough to destroy her personally. But there was still the other half. In its leagues were the reasonable ones, the ones who were pushed and blackmailed into complicity like she once was. There were still individuals in that room who shared her idealism. She bet on them now, hoping her words would galvanize them out of their corners. She was a leader and so she should act like one.
There was still good in the world. She had to believe that if she were to believe in the future.
"We cannot go on as we have," she continued. "We've made a farce out of our promises to this country and to our allies in space."
The reference to Coordinators earned her a scoff but she refused to back down.
"I will be discussing our next steps forward in dismantling our nuclear programs. Rest assured your resources will be funneled into other sectors. Technology and commerce are still at the heart of this agenda. I simply refuse to let lives be put on the line ever again!"
"You are going to sink this entire nation! This is not how things are done!"
"This cannot happen!"
"And that is precisely how established governments go unchecked and crumble under the weight of corruption," she answered defiantly. "To blindly keep on going as if nothing has changed if only to appease a select few—you're all craven, with nothing but yourselves to protect. You're all hiding behind how things have always been done but the world continues to change with or without your permission. If you wish to get left behind then you're on your own."
"I'm with you, your majesty," a man on the other side of the table raised the Nuclear Ceasefire Agreement documents and tore it up. "You have our support."
"The world is changing. We cannot carry on clinging onto the safety of the past." Another voice agreed.
One after another, more politicians joined in and tore their copies.
"You haven't heard the last of—"
"I have," she asserted. "Because if you intend to keep yourselves in the good graces of your own people, you would listen to them. Leaving nuclear weaponry behind has polled higher than at any point in history. What we must do is clear."
The opposing group, thoroughly humiliated, took their seats in silence. Their faces were disgruntled. They weren't used to being told off.
"One more thing," she took a deep breath. It was now or never.
"I want to announce my intention to marry," she began. Slowly, she lifted her head. She ought to be proud, she thought. Over seventy pairs of eyes were on her in that room, all discerning what she would say next and whether or not they would agree. But their approval meant nothing to her now.
She straightened her back, resolute in her determination.
"I will tell you who I would like to take as my husband," she spoke, every word crystal clear. She wasn't asking for permission. "I will inform you about all of this in due time. But the choice of when, where and how are mine and mine alone to make."
Mine and Athrun's, she thought to herself.
She smiled, triumphant. "And that's final."
When the inevitable gasps swelled in the room, she gathered her things from the table and made her way out.
"This meeting is done," she declared.
Just before she made it to the exit she heard a growing applause. She looked behind her to find that she had people in that room she could rely on after all. She nodded by way of gratitude.
In the hallway, blood rushed to her head. She felt like she needed to catch her breath. Hand on her chest, she allowed herself a moment to smile.
xxx xxx xxx
Shinn ran into Cagalli one evening. Even though he made sure to leave his packing at the end of the workday to make sure she wasn't going to be around, it was always going to be tricky. She lived there and his office was very close to her private quarters—an arrangement that was once convenient turned suffocating.
He had to do a double take when she came to view. For a moment he thought he saw someone else. The last time he saw Cagalli, her hair was down to her chest. It was as if he had traveled back in time to when they first met onboard Minerva. She swapped her lacy dress for a sleek pantsuit. She still kept her heels though, he noted. She always did complain about not being taller.
"Your hair," Shinn noted.
She brushed her hair with her fingers. "It's uneven, I know. I'll have to get it fixed at some point."
"You did it yourself?" He asked, astonished.
"I did," she grinned, but it didn't take long for her to notice the boxes he had on a hand trolley. "What are those for?"
"I'm transferring out," he explained. "To another division at the Dover House."
Her face fell. That royal residence was all the way across the country.
"Before you start blaming yourself, I'll have you know it's a promotion," he added. "I'm my own boss over there and the pay is better."
"But it's still partially because of my behavior, isn't it? Because I've been selfish and ruined a good thing," she said, biting her lips. "Is there any way I can make it up to you?"
"You owe me nothing," he answered. "Just be happy."
She looked up at Shinn, eyes bright with conviction. "I will," she declared.
"Good," he said. It was bittersweet. He felt his chest swell with gratitude. "Courage suits you."
She smiled at him in a way she hadn't before.
"Thank you," she said as she held his hand. "Thank you, Shinn."
Just before going into the hallway, he turned around to take one last look at her, walking the opposite direction. He remembered the way in which she forgave him when he first came back. He always believed there was no way all that strength had gone away. In the end he was thankful to have been there to see her pull through, even if their paths now diverged.
"Goodbye!" He called.
She turned around and waved her arm. "Goodbye!"
He realized what he felt then was complete relief—relief that he got to see her one last time before he left. He would have regretted not saying goodbye.
Later in the evening, Shinn looked out at the twinkling stars from the balcony of his apartment. His place was mostly bare now, his life stuffed in boxes again.
When he met Cagalli earlier that day, he thought he saw Stella's face.
He had been stupid, that much was clear to him now. He wanted so badly to bring Stella back to life. He couldn't come to terms with the insurmountable gap between the living and the dead. He resorted to finding Stella in other people knowing full well there was only one of her. And she was gone.
Cagalli let him hear the words he wanted to hear from Stella. Cagalli forgave him but she couldn't be anyone other than herself. And her heart already belonged to another. In his desperation for something to hold, he let himself think they could be in love.
Well, maybe it was love. Just a different kind, perhaps.
He resolved to let himself treasure what he shared with Cagalli even if it didn't pan out the way he wanted to. He was fine with that.
He pulled out a pack and a lighter out of his pocket.
When Lunamaria told him to stop bringing his sister's pink phone everywhere, Shinn picked up smoking. A pack of cigarettes was as close to the size of Mayu's flip phone. And flicking the lighter was close enough to scratching the itch of opening and closing the old flip phone.
This was too much loss to bear. He was lost.
Mayu, he thought. If she were alive, she would be a young woman now. Would she have gotten over phone charms? The newer models have stopped including a loop to put a strap through. The world continued to move on. But Mayu would remain a young teenager in his memory.
He took a drag of cigarette and exhaled slowly.
He looked up at the clear night sky again. The stars looked back at him.
The world continued to move on.
Perhaps it was time he moved along with it too.