In the loving memory of

Maya Penelope Hunter

January 16, 2001 - April 28, 2019

Shawn stared at the grave, with bloodshot eyes. He doesn't remember that day clearly, except for her unmoving body, and the sound of his panicked voice shouting her name over, and over again.

Maya, Maya, Maya

She was his second chance. His Second chance at a happy life. And he allowed her to slip right through his fingers. To Shawn, Maya was his daughter. DNA met nothing to him. Shawn loved that girl with all of his heart, and he failed her. He failed Katy. However, she never blames Shawn, not out loud at least. But there was resentment in her eyes, Shawn could feel it.

A month before graduation. Shawn couldn't wrap his head around it. What could have been so awful that Maya felt she couldn't hold on anymore? Shawn tried hard, he tried to think back to any of the signs he may have missed. She didn't leave a note. So Shawn looked back and analyzed every event before the suicide. There were little things. Little things Shawn brushed to the side; now haunted him. They kept him up at night. Shawn would constantly think of what he could have done differently. How he could have saved her?

Shawn thought back to one particular night; where they were having dinner together discussing Maya's plans after high school. Maya tried to steer the conversation to the side, not that she seemed disinterested in the discussion, but rather that she seemed hopeless.

"You're young, don't worry. You have your whole life ahead of you." Katy stated.

Maya rolled her eyes and mumbled a sarcastic. "Sure." Shawn held a concerned expression. But he chose to ignore his worry and thought she was just a typical snarky teen who was anxious about her starting her future. He had no idea that was her subtle way of telling them, she wasn't planning on sticking around much longer.

But it wasn't anything major. That night would have never led Shawn to believe that Maya would take her own life. Cory would remind him of that whenever he could. He assured Shawn that what happened wasn't his fault. And if it was, then Katy would have to share some of the blame as well. She was Maya's mother after all. While that was true, Shawn couldn't see it. His shame wouldn't allow him.

He should have talked to her. He should have never assumed that she was fine, that all she needed was some space to think. He should have known the signs of a sad desperate teenager. Hell, he used to be one. Though, he only attempted to run away. Shawn never once thought of killing himself. Maybe that clouded his judgment. He never thought about it, so that meant neither would Maya.

Shawn rubbed his swollen eyes; his mind was invaded with more memories. He thought back to the time when she nearly gave him a heart attack.

" Maya, stop!" Shawn held his arm over her chest to stop her from moving in the ongoing traffic.

Maya blinked like she was shocked. Shawn should have known she was full of shit. "I'm sorry, I thought the cross walk was green,"

"What are you colored blind or something?" Shawn remarked sarcastically.

"I'm just tired, and I wasn't paying attention," She did sound tired, but she was in fact paying attention, close attention.

"Next time remind me to put a leash on you before we go out," Shawn joked.

She rolled her eyes. "Ha, ha,"

Putting her life at risk. She was literally telling him right there. She was practically screaming at him that she wasn't doing well. And Shawn again, like the dinner, brushed it off. God, how could he be so stupid? So blind to what was going on.

The final memory, that flooded back, the one that haunted him the most, was the day she asked if she could stay home from school.

"Why aren't you up?" He could hear soft crying. Shit, why was she upset? "Maya, are you okay?" He lightly nudged her on her shoulder.

"Can I please stay home today?" Maya muffled into the pillows.

"Are you sick?" Shawn frowned.

"No,"

"I don't know Maya,"

Maya pulled the cover off her, Shawn now could see how red her face was from the tears. "I've been going every day, can I please just take the day off?"

" I guess one day wouldn't hurt," Shawn said, feeling bad that Maya was so upset "Can you at least tell me why?"

Maya sniffled and wiped away her tear-stained cheeks. "I just don't feel like it will ever end,"

"High school sucks, but it won't last, things will get better," He assured her.

"How do you know that?" Maya shot back. "It took you to nearly forty to find some sort of happiness. That might not even happen for me,"

"Sort of happiness? Maya, I am happy. You and your mother are my reason for getting up in the morning. I've never felt like that before in my life,"

That was nice for him. But Maya just couldn't see it for herself. "I'm just so exhausted, and I don't know how to handle it anymore,"

She sounded so defeated. So broken. Why? Shawn supposed he'd never really know. "I'll call the school to let them know you're not feeling well,"

"Thank you,"

"You're welcome," He kissed her head. "I love you, Maya,"

She smiled, and that time it was genuine. "Love you too,"

Shawn's heart swelled with joy at that moment. He had finally gotten the happy ending that he always wanted. A wife and a daughter. His life was complete.

But Shawn should have known it was just a twisted fantasy. Everybody in his life leaves him eventually. Virna, his father, Jon, and now Maya. Hell, his biological mother abandoned him at birth. She didn't even want him. He shouldn't have been so naive to believe that he could have a happy life with Katy, and Maya. Happiness was never something that lasted in Shawn's life. It just wasn't meant to be.

After the funeral; Katy couldn't stay in the apartment anymore; Shawn didn't blame her. Neither could he. So, Shawn had got them a small place in upstate New York. However, he felt bad leaving. He wasn't the only one that was hurting. Before Shawn, Maya practically lived with the Matthews. Losing Maya, took a real toll on Cory, and Topanga. In the beginning, Riley would only get out of bed to use the restroom. She wouldn't eat, or speak to anyone. She wouldn't even shower.

Shawn wouldn't allow Cory to end like him. Waking up every day, and thinking of all things you'd go back and change but can't. Having self-hatred eats at you every waking hour.

"Cor,"

"Yeah, Shawnie?" Cory held a watery gaze.

"Don't lose your grip on her. Don't let walk down that dark path," Shawn warned.

Cory nodded knowingly.

It's been a year since then. He moved hoping to get a fresh start. But who was he kidding? As much as he and Katy tried to pretend like they could start over; it wasn't going to happen.

There were no more do-overs. Shawn will be empty forever.

"I'm sorry Maya," Shawn choked on a sob. I'm so fucking sorry, that I didn't save you,"