"All leaders must face the fear of losing their team,"
Leonardo startled awake, hearing his father's words echo in his ears. He remembered Master Splinter's firm, anchoring hand on his shoulder and how he felt in that moment. Back then he felt safe in the world, and subconsciously believed that things would always be okay. That feeling was a faraway dream to him now. Leonardo felt a familiar emptiness in his chest as he thought about it once more.
At the time Master Splinter was reassuring him, without filling his head with false hopes, that his brothers may want different things in the future. Their team might be separated in these ways but it would be something he would have to come to terms with and accept. Leonardo was beside himself at the time. The thought of not going on weekly patrols and fighting crime and having that deep connection with his brothers was distressing to say the least. Back then Leo didn't consider the statement to mean losing his team would mean anything more than that. He was at his happiest when the team bound together and saved the day. Side by side, arm in arm… his brothers. He loved them all very much but didn't realise it until things went so horrifically wrong.
"I face this fear every time you and your brothers leave the lair."
Leonardo thought back to how he reacted to that. The words seemed to bounce off his thick skull. He just put it down to Master Splinter being a parent and worrying about every last thing they did. He didn't have a high enough level of respect for the danger they put themselves in every time they found trouble topside. His young, dumb mind didn't seem to realise that death was a card on the table and that being kidnapped and not being found was a very real possibility. Many nights Master Splinter's words haunted him and panic would flash through his body. He didn't heed his father's words strongly enough. They didn't need to make New York's crime their problem every time they stepped foot topside. Leo wished and prayed every night he could go back and change it.
What if Donatello decided that terrible Friday that he didn't want to be a ninja and stayed home to work on some tech? What if they decided to patrol a different area of the city instead? Why did they put themselves in so much danger all the time? Were they this close to something sinister every time they went in to a fight?
Leo didn't want to face the fear of losing his team. It was too big and too scary. However he had been put in a position where he had to face it. Donnie was gone.
In his new torn up world, Leo wished he could feel a fraction of that security again. Leo used to truly believe that when he went out with his brothers, the good team, that it would always triumph bad. He never anticipated just how much their enemies sought to destroy them. It didn't feel real. But that wasn't reality anymore. Reality was, people and alien alike wanted them gone and Leo didn't appreciate how grave that threat was until one of his own was ripped away.
The jostling of the manhole and the grunt of his younger brother shook Leonardo from his stupor. Disoriented and in a different place than he last remembered, Leo's eyes looked around lazily to see they were now in a dimly lit side street. He was slung over Raphael's shell like a backpack, his arms like the straps, and held in a firm grip.
"Ow- whaa?" Leo slurred, confused. Raph's green eyes looked over his shoulder at him.
"You're finally awake," Raph said, relieved. "No more nappin' bro, you're s'posed to stay up after a blow to the noggin'."
Leo groaned as the pain in his face and head returned with a mighty vengeance. His temples pulsed painfully and he scrunched his eyes closed. Raph slowly lowered him to his feet and kept a firm hand on his upper arm. When he was sure he was steady, Raph squatted down to fully remove the manhole cover they were standing beside.
Michelangelo was standing nearby, holding Donatello close to his with both arms. He watched Leo carefully and his eyebrows knitted together. Leo held the side of his head with his palm. "You alright bro?" he asked worriedly. Leo nodded and winced when the pain flared as he did so. "You hit your head pretty hard when you fell dude, you have a double concussion now…" Mikey said lifelessly, not bothering to put much energy in to the joke.
"You worried me." He added quietly. Leo felt like he was constantly worrying Mikey these days.
"I'm fine Mikey." Leo said reassuringly. Mikey nodded but didn't seem to be reassured. Leo rubbed his arms and looked at Donnie's face. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was sleeping. "Has Donnie woke up since? Or said anything?"
"Nah bro, just sorta blinked and fell asleep I think." Mikey said, looking down in to Donnie's face. He shifted his grip. "Guys what if he-?"
"Don't think like that." Raph snapped before Mikey could finish and stood up. "We don't know anything for sure yet so don't assume nothin'. Mike you go down first and cover my tail, I'll carry Don. Leo you can get the manhole cover."
Leo didn't miss the lack of confidence in his ability to catch Donnie if Raph dropped him but he was in no position to argue. His head was pounding fiercely and his legs were shaking. Leo stood awkwardly as he watched Mikey carefully hand Donnie over to Raph, who lugged him in to a fireman's hold. Mikey descended the ladder and Raph followed suit. When Raph was far enough down, Leo climbed down the steps and pulled the manhole cover closed behind him. Raph and Mikey slowly repositioned Donnie in to a more comfortable position in Raph's arms before starting the walk home.
Their home had never felt so far away. Leo glanced around at his brothers and wondered if they felt the weight of the day hit them too. Mikey's eyes had deep bags underneath them and his face looked slightly gaunt. His whole form had gotten slightly skinnier in the time Donnie was gone. Leo noticed that he cooked a lot to occupy his mind but didn't insist on the same nutrition for himself as he did for Leo and Raph. Leo didn't miss the fact most of Mikey's recipe brainstorming took place in Donnie's lab and he would come insist Donnie ate because he often forgot to when he was deep in a project. Leo looked at his little brother now, once so full of life and annoyingly so, now drained and trudging through the tunnels.
'How did we get to this point?' Leo thought to himself.
Leo wished he could just curl up in a ball, retreat in to his shell, and sleep. Just wake up to a smiling Donnie that was in perfect health and a happy family all together again. Life had changed so drastically for them. Instead of the confident leader he was now the leader that second guessed himself. He was the one that was relieved Raph decided which order they went down the ladder because his brain was currently scrambled eggs. Leo felt a pang of nerves in his belly at the thought. He felt like a shell of his younger, braver self. He supposed his naivety blinded most of his fear in the past.
It was quite surreal re-entering the lair with Donatello. Their father hurried to greet them, tail swishing anxiously behind him.
"My sons," Master Splinter said, his eyes never leaving Donnie's face. "My son." He said in a much lower voice, a hand resting delicately on the side of Donnie's head. Raph's face crumpled at the sight and he squeezed his eyes shut. Seeing Raph struggle to keep back tears snapped Splinter out of his thoughts.
"Come my sons, to the lab," Master Splinter said, leading the way. The group rushed to the lab and approached the small bay that Donatello had made. It was a mock hospital room of sorts, a small battered cot with his many medical supplies in locked cabinets surrounding it. Donnie had many tools he never used and machines that he thankfully never had to use. Leo remembered asking him if he really needed an EKG machine and if the little IV pole was absolutely necessary, however a 15 year old Donatello had taken an even greater interest in medicine and could not be persuaded otherwise.
Leo looked helplessly at the equipment and sadly realised he wasn't sure how to use much of it. Leo had only learned the essentials and Raph knew a little bit more because he frequently injured himself. He did however walk around with a broken arm for 4 days straight once because he didn't want Donnie's mothering. He admitted defeat and let Donnie x-ray and cast it shortly after asking when and where the hell he got an x-ray machine. Mikey had surprisingly taken an interest and frequently tried to get Donnie to let him treat his injuries. Leo was surprised how much Donnie indulged their little brother who later told him that if Mikey wanted to learn something that required focus and patience, he sure as hell was going to encourage it. In Donnie's absence Mikey spent a lot of time in the lab, looking through his books and taking comfort in Donnie's old work journals.
Mikey laid Donnie down in the cot and Master Splinter thoroughly examined his body. His hands lingered around Donnie's face and he cupped his cheek as Mikey filled him in on the condition they found Donnie in. Raph stood at the base of the bed, arms folded and his eyebrows knitted together. He looked over Master Splinter and Mikey's makeshift nursing to make eye contact with Leo.
Leo looked away, feeling naked. He rubbed his arms nervously, watching as his father sat back unsure what to do next. Donnie was alive, his body uninjured. If Leo walked in any other day he'd say his brother was peacefully sleeping, albeit a bit pale.
Raph walked towards him, a look of determination on his face. He put a hand on Leo's upper arm, lightly pulling him towards one of Donnie's swivel chairs.
"Raph-," Leo started but didn't get to finish. Raph shook his head.
"C'mon, let me clean up your face." He gruffed, not taking no for an answer. Leo let himself be pulled to the seat. The chair spun slightly and Leo's arm flailed slightly as he steadied himself. The nausea waved over him in warm sickly waves. Leo's mouth filled with saliva and his eyes went wide. Raph blanched at the sight.
"Are you gonna-…?" Leo couldn't stop himself from vomiting all over the lab floor. His stomach heaved and the contents of his lunch splattered violently on the ground beside his feet. Raph jumped back and Master Splinter's head snapped towards him.
"Leonardo!" Master Splinter called out, shocked. In his haste he hadn't stopped to consider Leo's face. Mikey paled beside him.
Leonardo almost slipped off his chair and joined the vomit on the floor. His hands reached out for anything to stabilise himself and he met Raph and Master Splinter's stable grips. He felt faint again and stumbled when he was pulled away from the mess.
"I'm O-okay." Leo stuttered, breathing heavily and the world slipped away. It happened so quickly that Leo didn't have time to realise he'd fainted again. This time however, he was unconscious for a much shorter time, he felt like he'd only blinked and he was now on the sofa in the living room of the lair. Cold cloths were pressed to his forehead and neck.
"…Probably a concussion Master Splinter… and stress." Mikey said, his voice nearby. He paused, then added, "Just painkillers and rest."
"This is most serious Michelangelo." Master Splinter said gravely.
"I'll text April to be sure, her aunt's a doctor." Mikey replied, trying to reassure him.
"Sit with him Michelangelo, I will go prepare some remedies." Master Splinter said firmly and Leo heard him walk off. Mikey sighed as he left and sat somewhere near him.
"Just rest bro… please just get better." Mikey said, sounding like he was about to burst in to tears at any moment. His hand adjusted the cloth on Leo's head softly. "I just need everyone to be okay." Mikey said so quietly Leo almost missed it. Wanting nothing more than to wake up from this horrible nightmare, Leo let himself escape in to sleep.
…
Raphael leaned his chin heavily in his hands. He looked blearily up at the digital alarm clock Donnie kept on his work bench, probably to remind him 5am was not an acceptable bed time but failing because Donnie would be so engrossed in a project he'd barely glance at it. Raph sighed at the time, 3:35 am, exhausted. Waking up this morning and heading out to rescue Donnie felt like a lifetime ago. His mind drifted back to the Kraang base, to the metal frame encasing his brother's head, the bright red beams of light shooting in to his eyes, and shook his head to be rid of the memory. Every time he thought of Donnie's empty brown eyes he felt ill. He felt like the air was being squeezed slowly and painfully out of his lungs. Raph clenched his teeth tightly together and felt the muscles in his head and jaw squeeze.
A few more hours passed and Raphael could hear Mikey move around the lair. He knew each of his brother's footsteps, the patterns of their breathing and the very aura of their presence in the shadows. He mainly honed those skills in the past so he could hide in time to miss a reprimand from Master Splinter for being up past his bed time. Now he found those skills absolutely essential. Donnie's presence felt gone even though Raph was sitting right beside him. He expected to feel a certain air around Donnie when he was beside his brother but he felt an ugly stillness. Raphael felt something twist in his gut as his senses wailed 'danger!' at him. He felt the way he did when he was approaching an enemy, or the time the foot had swarmed them with a number they were not expecting . Raph shook out his shoulders, trying to rid himself of the feeling.
Mikey peeped his head in a few times, and sat down for only a few minutes at a time. At around 6am he began making breakfast to keep his mind busy after doing the rounds checking on Donnie and Leo. Shortly after he informed Raph that April would be down after she gathered a few supplies.
Raph let himself touch sleep a few times. The weight of the whole situation felt like it was crushing him slowly and the lack of sleep did nothing to help. Raph didn't mean to let himself fall asleep completely and startled awake shortly after he did. He rubbed his eyes with both hands and looked up, expecting to see Donnie's sleeping face.
Instead, Donatello's eyes were wide open, bloodshot and staring intensely at Raphael's face. Raph gasped and his hand flew up to cover his mouth. His heart pounded widely in his chest and he held his breath until Donnie finally blinked.
There was a moment where the atmosphere around them stood still. Not even Mikey's cooking could interrupt the moment between Raph and his brother. Raph's body relaxed in relief but Donnie's eyes burned a hole through him. Raph let a small smile creep on to his face. He reached a hand towards his brother, trying to reassure him this was all real. Raph was shocked to realise that the usual dark brown irises had turned a pale icy blue and for a second Raph feared his brother was blind.
"Don I'm so glad-" Raph began but didn't get to finish. Donnie lunged towards him in a flash and locked his hands around Raph's throat as tightly as he could. Raph choked as Donnie's momentum threw him backwards, sending the chair he sat on flying and slamming them both to the floor.
Donnie straddled his body, his powerful legs pinning him to the ground. Raph bucked wildly against him, trying to pull his hands off his throat to no avail. He choked and gagged and couldn't get much out except for a few gargles and spit. Donnie was much stronger than Raph remembered and he was hissing words under his breath. Raph couldn't understand anything he said with the sound of blood rushing in his ears.
"What's going on- RAPH!" Mikey sprinted in, grabbing Donnie's shell and pulling to no avail. Raph felt the corners of his vision go blurry as he desperately fought for air, his hand clawing at Donnie's hands.
"MASTER SPLINTER!" Mikey screamed, his voice bouncing off the walls.
"MASTER SPLINTER HELP!"