The Pompous and the Prick Chapter 23:Charcuterie Board of Emotions, a helluva boss fanfic

Chapter 23: A Charcuterie board of Emotions

As usual, a translation of Blitz's misspelled messages will be at the end; after the author's note.

It was Blitz's own loud snoring that woke him up. He sat up, and heard a ripping sound. Behind him, he saw where his spikes had left the pillow. It already had many sewn on patches, and it looked like it would need another. His legs buzzed, more asleep than he was. There was a heavy weight on them. He squinted, eyes adjusting to the dark. Loona was curled up on his legs, warm, enormous, and adorable. They were on the couch together and he had a vague memory of asking her to stay with him, drunk out of his mind.

Breaking the most important rule of all parents and pet owners, he slowly slipped his legs out from under her. When he did, she stirred a little, and yipped. He was worried he woke her up, but it seemed she was just talking in her sleep.

Pins and needles pricked his feet as he got up to try and improve the circulation in his lower half. He found his phone charging in the kitchen, where it usually was, so he'd remember to eat breakfast. Unfortunately, this often led to midnight snacking as he rarely slept through the night.

He stuck some bread into the toaster, and checked his phone to find that Trent had messaged him on Succuchat. The time was currently two in the morning, and Trent had sent the message at midnight. He debated for a minute about the likelihood he was still awake. Then he saw what the message said, and decided to reply, anyway.

I have had quite the day.

Ya? Wat hapened

Trent took a few minutes to reply, this time. So Blitz put his toast on a plate, put way too much Eazy Spread Cheese on it, and leaned against the counter, eating it. Then his phone buzzed.

Sorry for the late reply. I just had to deal with a maniac of an ex.

Ha, ya last tim I met some1's ex, I slept wit them

Blitz realized what he was saying as he hit send. Sh*t. Trent was going to think was some kind of n*mphomaniac, something he had been called from time to time, but never thought of himself as. Chaz though, Chaz would've fit the bill. He was trying to think of a way to back track when Trent replied.

Trust me, you wouldn't want to touch her with a ten foot pole.

Blitz thanked all that was sh*t in the world that Trent was the kind of person that could take his weird*ss offhanded statements in stride.

Wate her? Didnt ur profil say u were gay? Waz it a beerd relatoinship?

I suppose it was, in a way. And I definitely already knew what that term meant and didn't have to research it, just now.

lol

Actually, it may be about time I come clean about something.

Wat? ur not maried or sumthing, r u?

Blitz had said it as a joke, but then waited a horrifyingly long few seconds watching the "someone's typing" dots dance, before receiving a short answer.

Yes, I am.

He saw the dots dancing again, but quickly typed his response and sent it.

O. Well, that complikates thingz Iz he a nise guy?

He wanted to scream at himself. Nice guy? What kind of question was that?! Of course Trent was already married! All the good ones are. Did his husband know he was on dating apps? Was Blitz going to be dating both of them? What if he didn't like the other guy? What if they had kids?! No, wait. They definitely had kids. Trent had mentioned having a teenager before. How did the kid feel about their parents being polyamorous? Did they even know? Or was Blitz about to break up a family because the relationship wasn't an open one and-

No, it's actually the ex I was referring to. We are negotiating a divorce. I just thought you should know.

Blitz took a deep breath.

Thx 4 teling me. Next tim leed with tht

Duly noted. So you're okay with it?

Ya, I meen, we all got bagage, rite?

That is true. Still, thank you. And thank you for talking to me despite my message being so late at night.

I kno, Im the best. And honesty, I usuly wake up a few timez a nite anyway, so if u hav late nite wurries, Im ur guy.

Oh, no. I'm sorry to hear that. An irregular sleep schedule can cause lots of problems, you know. Have you gotten treatment for it?

I did. They gav me a perskription tht cost $300 to refil an I desided that Id rathr eat then sleep.

I see.

Besidz, ur awak, 2.

The typing dots danced again, as though they were hesitating on whether or not to say something. Finally, they rested.

Well, I've always been a bit of a night owl.

sea? We,re both sleeplss sl*ts.

But once I do get to sleep, I often don't awaken until morning. Afterall, an irregular sleep schedules can cause:

If I go 2 sleep now, wil u spair me the list?

That sounds like a good trade to me. I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Or given the time, later today.

Blitz paused for a moment. From the chaos of suddenly being thrust onto another date, to the binge drinking after being stood up, he had entirely forgotten that it was so soon. Normally, he would never admit to something like this. Or at least not so soon, but learning what he had from losing Stolas to his stubborn decision to constantly push people away, he replied.

Me 2

— — —

Moxxie had a charcuterie board for every occasion. He had an array of meats and cheeses for boring Mondays, a different combination with some olives for romantic date nights, and a specific type of cracker that he preferred to eat when he was sad. Millie didn't understand most of the fancy words he used trying to explain the flavor profiles, but she did learn to interpret the boards. Sometimes she even found it easier than reading his face.

So when he walked into the office with a board with the sad crackers, some raisins, what looked to be muenster, swiss, and ham, she immediately knew he was having a pity party.

"Aw, honey. . . Not the raisins. You deserve more than raisins!" Mille rubbed his back as he sat down at the receptionist desk with the tray.

"No, sweetie, I don't. All I wanted to do was to help Blitz and his highness get back together, and all I've done is make things worse." He said, rolling a raisin under his finger, pouting.

"First of all, it was my idea in the first place, so if anything. I ruined their relationship." Millie said, popping a sad cracker in her mouth, and hopping up to sit on the desk "And second, we didn't ruin everything! Nothing's ruined! Stolas probably just needs some time to himself, that's all."

"But how I phrased it in the letter made it sound like if the prince didn't come, then he wasn't interested anymore!" Moxxie's head hit the table with a thunk.

"Why did you phrase it that way?" Millie asked, eating some cheese.

Moxxie turned his head to look at her from the table, "I thought out every possible scenario. From if Blitz was drunk, to if his highness showed up with a date. Crumbs! I even thought about if Stolas somehow used his magic to turn himself into a lizard! But never did I think about the possibility that he just wouldn't show!" Moxxie turned away and sobbed.

"Oh, baby." Millie rubbed his back.

He pounded the table "And now I ruined everything!"

"No, you didn't." Millie reassured gently.

It was then that they heard a knock on the front office door. Moxxie quickly wiped the tears away with a handkerchief, and gave Millie a look, which she knew meant she had crumbs on her face. She grabbed the fancy napkin from him and roughly rubbed her face with it.

Moxxie nodded at her satisfied, "Come in!"

The door opened, revealing none other than Stolas himself, wearing his fancy prince attire, holding his tophat in his hands. It was odd enough for him to be here in the first place. What was even more strange was how nervous he looked.

"See! What'd I tell ya?" Millie whispered, hitting Moxxie happily, who waved her off, "What can we do for you, your highness?"

"H-hello, yes, um . . . " Stolas cleared his throat, but spoke quietly, pointing at the office door, "Is Blitz here . . .?"

"No. Sorry he . . ." Millie started, then looked to Moxxie for help.

"He wasn't feeling well so he stayed home today, sir. Loona did as well so she could take care of him." Moxxie explained.

Stolas seemed to relax a bit at the news, "Oh good. That's a relief."

Moxxie and Millie exchanged a look.

"I-I-I mean," Stolas smoothed out the nonexistant wrinkles in his clothes nervously, "Not that he's sick! Heavans no! I-I just meant that- well . . . it was actually you two that I wanted to speak with today."

Millie and Moxxie exchanged another look, worried.

Millie spoke up, "What is it, your majesty?"

Stolas walked over, carefully picked up one of the couches in the waiting area with one hand, placed it in front of the receptionist desk and sat down in front of them, "Well, I was wondering if either of you enjoyed writing letters."

Moxxie unconsciously looked at Millie, but she just smiled, "What do you mean, your highness?" her voice was warm as honey, the image of innocence.

"Well, you see I recieved this through my mail slot recently." He pulled out an envelope with his name scrawled out on the front, and placed it on the desk for them to see, "I wanted to know if either of you knew where it came from . . . ?"

The conversation paused for a beat and then Moxxie and Millie spoke simultaneously. Millie hopped to her feet on the desk, pulled a jagged knife out of thin air and shouted, "We'd die before telling you what we know!" At the same time, Moxxie burst into tears and shouted, "We're sorryyyyy!"

Millie looked down at her sobbing husband, placing the hand holding the knife on her hip, " . . . Babe, really?"
"I'm sorry! We read the letter you sent to Blitz and we couldn't stand the thought of him just tossing you to the side like that and- and-" Moxxie grabbed his handkerdhief off the desk and blew his nose into it, "And it was so sweet. And we care about Blitz so much! We just want him to be happyyyy!"

Stolas just stared at them, surprised by the tears of the grown, though tiny, man in front of him, but recomposed himself, "I see. Well, that explains it. At first I thought it was Asmodeus and his partner, but when asked, Asmodeus was even willing to go under oath saying that to his knowledge neither he or Fizzarolli were in anyway a part of it. I told him there was no need. Just the fact that he was willing to take an everlasting oath reassurred me- Ah, I do apologize, I'm ranting now." Stolas nodded his head in apology, "Though I must ask you to not meddle in either mine or Blitz's love lives any longer. I have made my stance perfectly clear to Blitz. If he wants to talk, he'll have to come to me."

Stolas stood up, and placed the couch back to where it had been before, "So you can cancel the date you planned for tomorrow."

Moxxie and Millie exchanged another look, "What do you mean?" a worried crease appeared between Moxxie's eyebrows.

"The meeting at the park you had planned for tomorrow, don't make Blitz go." Stolas placed his hat on his head, "He's an adult. If he wants to apologize to me, he can do so himself. He doesn't need someone else to force him into it."

Millie looked at Stolas confused, and sat down on the desk again, "We . . . already took him."

Stolas froze, and looked at them confused, "You what?"

Moxxie leaned forward, elbows on the desk, "The letter said it was on the 16th at ten o'clock. Today is the 17th. The meeting was yesterday."

Stolas processed this information, then fingers , grabbed the envelope off the desk like lightning and pulled out the letter and began speed reading the bad penmanship, "No, no, no! See? See there? That says 18th. The meeting is tomorrow, the 18th!" Stolas shoved the letter back on the desk, pointing at the date, emphatically, feathers puffed.

"Mmm, actually . . ." Millie squinted at the paper, tiliting her head, "It kinda looks like a one next to a d*ck."

"Oh, crumbs! That's why you didn't show up yesterday! My bad handwriting was too good! -er bad?" Moxxie looked at Millie.

She shook her head, "Not the point, sweety."

Stolas stared down at the letter on the desk, " . . . You said he wasn't feeling well today . . .?"

". . . Yes, sir." Moxxie said, quietly.

Stolas slowly picked the letter up again, and put it back in it's envelope, "Well . . . perhaps it's for the best."

"WHAT?!" Millie jumped back up on the desk again, not noticing her foot now being directly on the charcuterie board.

"Nevermind. I have to go. I have plans this evening." Stolas said, cloak swishing as he went to leave.

"Wait!" Moxxie stood.

Stolas paused and looked at them, hand on the door nob.

"What should we tell Blitz?" he asked.

Stolas thought for a moment, ". . . Don't tell him."

Moxxie was confused, "What?"

"I was never here. Just . . . make sure he has a good life for me, will you?" He opened the door, then remembered, "Thank you Moxxie, and you, Millie. It's been a pleasure to make your acquaintance. . . I'm glad Blitz has such good friends." And with that he was gone.

". . . I didn't know he knew our names." Millie said, staring at the door.

Moxxie looked down at the desk sadly, then shouted, "My chaucuterie!"

Authors note:

Vik here! It's funny that the last chapter I'm publishing in the year 2023 happens to be the 23rd chapter of the story.

If you missed it. First Snow: A Winter Holiday Special One-Shot is out on all of my major platforms! It is certified zero angst and 100% fluff. (Certification given by me to me). Go check it out.

I have a new Tumblr account! viktheviking1 will still be the place where I post helluva and hazbin content, and snippets from these chapters. But if you are interested in fanfic memes, writer problems, and sneak peeks at some of my original works, you can go check out viktheviking-author. If you don't already have a tumblr account, I highly recommend you make one. Not just so you can follow me, but also because if you like the unhinged humor of Helluva Boss, I have a feeling you'll like it there too.

I'm surprised I managed to get one out this week. I literally finished it yesterday, and read it to my dear editor last night, so sorry if it's a bit choppy. And it's later in the day than usual because it's my number one fan's birthday; who is also my dad. Please leave a comment with happy birthday wishes for my pop. He gets so excited whenever someone comments on my writing. He says he doesn't need the context to appreciate my work being appreciated. (He doesn't read this fanfic, he wouldn't like it, though he does read my other stuff sometimes.)

Every time I think I won't have time that week, I somehow manage to pull something together last minute. I've even made polls on Tumblr about whether or not to publish an unfinished chapter, and prepared posts with apologies, but I keep getting away with it. I guess it proves me wrong. I can, in fact, write a lot more in a day than I usually do if I set my mind to it.

The title of this one could either be specifically calling Moxxie's Charcuterie, a charcuterie board of emotions. Or you could view this chapter, or even the story as a whole, a charcuterie board of emotions, in which you can sample all sorts of feelings.

In the first draft, I had Stolas ask M&M to tell Blitz that he is welcome to come talk to him whenever he likes. I didn't know why but it sounded clunky to me. My dear editor pointed out that I had been leading up to Stolas fully letting Blitz go, and then side stepped it at the very end. They were right, as always. It was just so sad; I wanted to avoid it. I don't know why, but I'll write the saddest death scene; no problem. Then, not want to hurt a characters feelings with trauma. Where is the line? Maybe it just depends on what mood I'm in. Or how much they're a comfort character for me. Probably both.

I had a very fun holiday this year. Focusing on the good parts, my adorable uncles came up from texas and we got to show them our favorite queer coffee shop. I gave my cat a christmas dinner, which she scarfed down, which is a mood. Everyone loved the gifts I got them, even my mom who was the subject of our annual christmas prank this year. There were some downs, as all days, even holidays, tend to have, but we can leave those in the past where they belong.

If you have a memory of the Trent and Blitz date being on the 13th, that's because that's what it used to be. I picked that date in chapter 17 because I thought I'd have the chapter out by the 13th of December in real life. That obviously didn't happen. I also changed the dates for when the Moxxie and Millie set up was meant to happen retroactively. Be it in my writing or in my D&D campaign, I rarely use specific dates and times because I struggle to make it consistent. It is not uncommon for my players to be a little confused because one thought it was the morning, and the other thought the events were happening after nightfall. To me, I don't care when it happened. Morning, noon, or night, either way you fought the fey queen and your favorite NPC died. I'll let you sleep when I'm done traumatizing your characters! (which is never lol)

Alright, I keep editing this to make it shorter, but it just ends up longer, so I'm officially ending this author's note here. Go drink some water. Eat a vegetable. Hug a friend. All that good stuff. Later skaterz!

Translation time!

I have had quite the day.

Yeah? What happened.

Trent took a few minutes to reply, this time. So Blitz put his toast on a plate, put way too much Eazy Spread Cheese on it, and leaned against the counter, eating it. Then his phone buzzed.

Sorry for the late reply. I just had to deal with a maniac of an ex.

Ha, yeah. Last time I met someone's ex, I slept with them

Trust me, you wouldn't want to touch her with a ten foot pole.

Blitz thanked all that was sh*t in the world that Trent was the kind of person that could take his weird*ss offhanded statements in stride.

Wait, her? Didn't your profile say you were gay? Was it a beard relationship?

I suppose it was, in a way. And I definitely already knew what that term meant and didn't have to research it, just now.

LOL

Actually, it may be about time I come clean about something.

What? You're not married or something, are you?

Blitz had said it as a joke, but then waited a horrifyingly long few seconds watching the "someone's typing" dots dance, before receiving a short answer.

Yes, I am.

He saw the dots dancing again, but quickly typed his response and sent it.

Oh. Well, that complicates things. Is he a nice guy?

No, it's actually the ex I was referring to. We are negotiating a divorce. I just thought you should know.

Blitz took a deep breath.

Thanks for telling me. Next time lead with that.

Duly noted. So you're okay with it?

Yeah, I mean, we've all got baggage, right?

That is true. Still, thank you. And thank you for talking to me despite my message being so late at night.

I know, I'm the best. And honestly, I usually wake up a few times a night anyway, so if you have late night worries, I'm your guy.

Oh, no. I'm sorry to hear that. An irregular sleep schedule can cause lots of problems, you know. Have you gotten treatment for it?

I did. They gave me a prescription that cost $300 to refill and I decided that I'd rather eat than sleep.

I see.

Besides, you're awake, too.

The typing dots danced again, as though they were hesitating on whether or not to say something. Finally, they rested.

Well, I've always been a bit of a night owl.

See? We're both sleepless sl*ts.

But once I do get to sleep, I often don't awaken until morning. Afterall, an irregular sleep schedules can cause:

If I go to sleep now, will you spare me the list?

That sounds like a good trade to me. I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. Or given the time, later today.

Me too.