Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Janet Evanovich. I am not making any money from this. All mistakes are mine. Spoiler for Diesel's handler, Gwen.
Even the Pup is an Unmentionable by Debra8652
Chapter 8
Remy's POV
Another great week at Rangeman LLC, in this pup's eyes. I have noticed that, even though Mom's Man doesn't roll his eyes or sigh, he does pinch the bridge of his nose. A lot! And speaks in Spanish. A lot! Tank said that it's mostly due to Mom, Dad Diesel, Rex, and me, but that it's a good thing because it makes him realize there's more than just his way of doing things and it keeps everyone on their toes! Yay, us!
Sunday:
Mom put Rex in his exercise ball and took us to the gym on third floor. Rex likes to roll around the gym floor. Lester bought him a ball that lights up and makes noise so people can tell where he is. Mom got a jump rope out of the equipment closet. A lot of the Rangemen are boxers and jumping rope is something they do as part of their conditioning. I watched Mom do it - it looked like fun. She told me that I should try it with her and that timing was the most important thing. She told me when to jump so I tried it. Nailed it! The guys were impressed!
Monday:
This is one of those times when Mom's Man pinched the bridge of his nose. The guys were in the control room strategizing about how to capture an FTA. Mom was on second floor where we keep all the costumes and uniforms that Mom and the guys wear when they go undercover, looking for something to wear to catch the bad guy.
Binkie: Sir, when Steph gets here, may I have permission to ask her a question that could sound disrespectful, even if I don't mean it in a disrespectful way, and especially if it could be used to our advantage now or sometime in the future?
Mom's Man: Do you think you could ask your question with fewer prepositional phrases?
Binkie: I don't think so, sir.
Nose pinch.
If I remember, Binkie's question was whether Mom had ever dressed as a nun to go undercover!
Tuesday morning:
Mom and Caesar are providing undercover security at a fancy wedding reception in two weeks. Caesar is even more locked down than Mom's Man used to be but he and Mom make a really nice looking couple on the dance floor. Mom says Caesar reminds her of Joe Manganiello! Anyway, Lester downloaded a playlist of the most popular songs that are played at wedding receptions so that Mom and Caesar could practice dancing while still scanning the room for any danger. They are rehearsing in their gym clothes except Mom is wearing high heels so it will be more like they are really dancing. Mom had her arms around Caesar's waist and he had his arms on her shoulders when the heel broke off Mom's shoe. She fell over backwards on the padded gym floor but she grabbed the waistband of Caesar's sweatpants and pulled them down! Mom and Caesar are laughing on the floor and Lester is yelling at Caesar, saying that this wedding reception is being held at an elite country club and that the members aren't paying to see Caesar's ass! Mom then informed Lester that she would pay good money to see Caesar's ass, which made them laugh even more. After pinching his nose, Mom's Man went off to contact the bride and groom to see if they'd consider eloping!
Wednesday night:
Tonight is the celebration of birthdays for Rangemen who were born in June. Luis barbecues a lot of food and Ella provides the side dishes and dessert. We all eat in Conference Room 1. Mom insists that the birthday boys play Pin the Tail on the Donkey afterwards - luckily, it's mounted on a Styrofoam board and placed on an easel! In spite of having active duty snipers and even more guys with Sharpshooters medals playing, they really sucked at it! Mom's Man probably bruised his nose after watching their attempts. He did thank Mom for the Styrofoam board and easel so that Luis didn't have to patch and paint a wall.
Thursday-Saturday
Dad Diesel popped in on Thursday. We thought he was just visiting but he said he'd been popped there for an assignment but he didn't have any of the details from his handler yet. Mom asked him who his handler was and he said a guy named Magnus. Mom asked what happened to Gwen. Dad Diesel said that no one would work with him more than once. Mom's Man tried to hide a snort behind a cough. He said that Gwen even transferred to the Bomb Squad because it was less stressful than being his handler. Another snort from Mom's Man.
Dad Diesel's phone chirped with a text message. He said it was from Magnus and that his assignment was to apprehend Heffalump.
Diesel: What the heck is a Heffalump?
Mom: You know, from Winnie the Pooh, when they all go hunting and try to catch the Heffalump.
Nose pinch from Mom's Man.
Diesel: Doesn't really sound like my area of expertise, Sweetness.
Then Flash joined us on fifth floor.
Flash: Hey, Diesel. You here on an assignment?
Diesel: Yep. I'm supposed to apprehend a Heffalump.
Flash: Cool. Like in Winnie the Pooh?
Another nose pinch from Mom's Man.
A new text message chirps on Dad Diesel's phone.
Diesel: It's from Magnus. He said autocorrect got ahold of his first message and that it should say to apprehend Heffernan, not Heffalump, and hoped that I hadn't left for the Hundred Acre Wood yet. Magnus is a funny guy.
Mom's Man is looking for something sturdy to hurt himself with.
Turns out that Heffernan is a jewel thief who frequents upscale events and steals women's jewelry while he is charming them. One of his victims is the wife of a benefactor of Dad Diesel's organization and has requested that Dad Diesel handle it. A fundraising auction this Saturday in Trenton has attracted Heffernan's attention. Dad Diesel and Mom's Man laid out the plan to use Mom as bait. She will be wearing a very expensive diamond bracelet that Hector will outfit with a tiny tracking device that will activate when it leaves Mom's wrist. Mom's date for the auction will be Caesar again. Hopefully, Mom won't pull his tuxedo pants off. Caesar will play the part of Mom's workaholic husband who is obsessed with his international business to the point of ignoring Mom. Dad Diesel, Mom's Man, Tank, Lester, and six other Rangemen will be on the takedown team in conjunction with Trenton PD.
The plan came off like clockwork! Mom looked gorgeous in an evening gown and a beautiful diamond bracelet. She and Caesar were enjoying champagne when Caesar got a pre-arranged cell phone call from Woody in the control room to discuss a "huge international business deal". Caesar stepped away to take the call but he kept signaling Mom that he would only be a few minutes. Mom played her part, acting disgusted with his behavior, when Heffernan swooped in and asked her to dance. During the dance he slipped the bracelet off her wrist. He excused himself after the dance ended and headed for the exit. Hector's tracker went off and everyone swooped in and apprehended him!
Everyone hung out in the control room after they got back from the auction. Mom asked Caesar why he was laughing. Caesar pointed at Woody and started laughing about the fake phone call.
Caesar: So, I'm supposed to be negotiating this multi-million dollar deal - price, quantity, and delivery date, and Woody is reading me the afternoon horse race results -
Woody interrupts: Man, I told you I'm not good at small talk!
Caesar: complete with commentary - "Here's a real upset in the second race and another one in the fifth."
Woody: Hey, I thought you'd want to know!
Chalk up another one for the good guys,
Remy