A/N — it's almost December, which means the Holiday Fest is coming up! If you have prompts or would like to participate (yeah!), drop me a comment or PM or check out the TLS forum. xoxo — kals

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Chapter 19

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"You didn't take off your boots?"

Sasha jerked upright, snapping on the light in her bunk, instantly awake, yet the sight in front of her made no sense. She stared in stunned silence at Tom, half expecting him to disappear, before blurting, "What are you doing here?"

By which, of course, she meant in her cabin — the one she shared with Nina Mir in the area designated for junior officers, where Tom's presence would both stick out like a sore thumb and result in more than a little gossip should anyone see him either coming or going. Especially as, Sasha confirmed, the door was closed.

Tom leaned against her locker, arms casually crossed, as though the fact that he was breaking about twenty regulations hadn't occurred to him. "I'm here to talk to you."

"In my cabin," she repeated, swinging her legs off the bunk and sitting up, trying to get her bearings. She hated the heavy feeling that always resulted when she slept too deeply. She had retreated here after their phone call with the President, knowing that Tom would be tied up for the near future and hoping to get in a few minutes of sleep. A quick glance at her watch informed Sasha that a few minutes had turned into almost six hours. Apparently, general sleep deprivation in combination with the adrenalin burst that allowed her to operate on effectively no rest over the forty-eight hours since she and Kara were grabbed from the Superdome had been enough to completely knock her out. "Did anyone see you?"

This time Tom chuckled. "You aren't the only one who knows how to get in and out of places unnoticed."

Reaching for her water bottle, Sasha swished a bit around her mouth in an effort to feel more human, as well as clear her fuzzy head. She gazed at Tom warily, suspecting that there was no way to delay this interview, and uncertain how Tom was viewing her right now. During the last eighteen or so hours, he had gotten a crash course on her life, one where she dealt in the gray and the shadows of the world — a side of her that she hadn't wanted him to see. Ever. At core, Tom was a good man. He would never understand the actions of people like Gispert, those who viewed morality and ethics as malleable. Sasha studied him as she swallowed the water. Tom didn't look upset, but Sasha had known him long enough to recognize the tightness around his eyes and the tension in his jaw. She wondered whether him seeking her out, rather than waiting for her to find him, was a bad sign. "Where's Nina?"

"Overnight watch," Tom replied, shrugging. "Our friends left an hour ago. General Williams sent an Osprey."

That was a surprise. She had anticipated being part of the team accompanying Gispert and his family to Washington. Sasha brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Did Pablo go with him?"

"Yes." Tom waited, apparently expecting something, but when Sasha remained silent, he spoke. "Danny mentioned that Pablo and President Gispert go way back."

Damn it all. Danny and his big mouth.

Sasha stilled as she replayed Tom's last sentence. "You called him Danny. Not Green."

"We bonded," Tom said, voice dry. "Working together to rescue someone you love will do that to you."

Sasha could feel her heart speeding up, racing until she could hear it pounding in her ears. Convinced she must have misheard- misunderstood. She forced the words from her lips. "Did Danny also tell you that Gispert and I also go way back as well?"

Again a smile flitted across Tom's face. "No." Sasha didn't know whether to be relieved that Danny kept her secrets or infuriated that she would now have to tell Tom herself. But then Tom continued. "He didn't have to. I saw enough of your record to know that your first operation with Danny was in Central America, and I already knew that Danny met Pablo in basic training. The most likely scenario is that Danny introduced Pablo to you — yet President Gispert didn't seem to know Danny. It seemed pretty obvious that you worked operations together, Sasha. Probably for years. The only thing I'm not sure about is how Jesse fits into all of this."

"Jesse and her brother Damien were our pilots. Damien kept her on the outskirts of things, only letting her fly people he trusted." Sasha felt tears pressing as the reality that she would never see Damien again sunk in. "That's probably what saved Jesse's life. The cartel didn't know she existed."

She thought she saw a flash of understanding in Tom's eyes. "That's how you knew Gispert wasn't there voluntarily. Because he would have known about Jesse and yet nobody went after her."

Tom had definitely done his homework.

"Yes." Sighing, Sasha leaned down and began unlacing her boots. It really was ridiculous that she fell asleep wearing them and she definitely needed some clean socks at this point. There had been no time for a shower before the Presidential debrief and, after, she had been too tired, meaning that her last shower was approximately fifty-six hours ago. "I couldn't figure it out. I understood Pablo getting her to the border and then going to ground. But Jesse isn't stupid. If she thought that people were after her, she would have told me. Especially after I asked her to take that package to your family. She wouldn't have put them at risk."

"Gispert did Jesse a favor," Tom said softly. "And you returned it."

Sasha lifted a shoulder. "That's how intelligence works, Tom. We trade in secrets — and favors."

"I called in a few of them," Tom said quietly.

Sasha smiled suddenly, recalling Granderson's face as tried to explain how the United States was fooled by a fake missile attack on the President of the EU. "The airplane swap had Karl's hands all over it. I suppose I owe him one now."

"He told Danny that it was repayment for Khartoum."

Sasha raised an eyebrow. Karl was never one to turn down an offer of future help. She recalled what he said in Savannah — about losing too many friends. Maybe Karl had truly turned over a new leaf.

But Tom wasn't done. "I, um, also called in the favor from Utt."

Another surprise. Sasha chuckled. "You were the one he owed it to." She tipped her head, studying him. "You weren't worried that he would sell you out to Granderson?"

"There was no other way to get there in time," Tom replied, a non-answer if Sasha had ever heard one.

Silence fell as they stared at each other, Sasha's boots undone but still on her feet. She knew that she should do something. Pull off her boots, brush past him to her locker and retrieved her shower caddy — something, anything — yet she couldn't look away.

Tom took a step towards her, one hand lifting to brace against the bunk above her head. "Do you think I don't know what you do, Sasha? That I was surprised to find out you knew Gispert? Or that I didn't suspect how highly connected Karl was?"

The whispered words curled around her until Sasha felt herself shiver, his gaze never leaving her, the intensity of the emotion shining there enough for her heart to begin pounding. Sasha surged to her feet, unwilling to let him tower over her.

"There's knowing," Sasha replied, "and then there's knowing. I am who I am, Tom. I'm not going to change. Not even for you. Can you accept that?"

"Can you?" Tom replied, leaning even closer. "Because that goes both ways, Sasha. After all, I was the one who originally questioned Amy Granderson's motives. I was the one who used your contacts to spread the vaccine throughout the world. I might even be the reason that you were kidnapped. Can you accept me for who I am? Not some knight in shining armor but just a man doing the best that he can?"

Sasha's mouth opened, her mind spinning as she realized how blind she had been, so convinced that Tom had no idea what she did — who she really was — that she never considered him having the same worries, the same fears.

Or was all of that an excuse?

Was her reluctance to let Tom in, to understand her work, truly because she thought he couldn't accept her?

Or because she feared that losing him again would break her?

Sasha recalled that day, so many years ago, standing in a phone booth in Chechnya that took an hour to reach, wandering around and around to ensure that she wasn't tailed. Her hands shook as she dialed Tom's number, breath held as she waited to hear his voice, only to have Darien answer. That was the moment when Sasha slammed the door on any kind of emotional entanglement, determined to keep her relationships purely transactional. Yet over the years cracks had formed, allowing a few people to get through her shell. Danny and Jesse and Frankie and even Karl.

Would losing any of them hurt less than losing Tom?

She thought back to those horrible days on the Nathan James, watching Danny die, her heart breaking.

If she could go back, would she skip all those years of working with Danny to avoid feeling that pain?

Every part of her recoiled at the idea. Yet wasn't that what she was doing now? Giving up the possibility of a future with Tom because she was afraid of getting hurt?

"I have never asked you to be anything that you aren't, Sasha." Tom's voice was a growl.

Straightening, she stepped closer, chest to chest, their bodies almost touching. "And what would you do if I had left this ship with Gispert? If, when you arrived back in the States, I was gone? What then, Tom? What would you do?"

The anger in his eyes faded, replaced by regret, and Sasha almost withdrew the question.

Yet wasn't that what she needed to know? Whether, this time, she could trust him with her heart?

But then Tom closed the last few inches between them, his eyes blazing, voice barely more than a whisper. "Then I would check the dock every time the Nathan James left port in case you showed up. I would watch the helicopter every time it landed carrying passengers on the off chance that you were there. And I would trail Green and Benz and even Karl himself until one of them led me to you."

She lifted her hand to his shoulder, studying his face. "For the record, Danny's pretty good at losing a tail. It might take a while."

""I was young and stupid, Sasha, but even then I knew that I was making a mistake. If I didn't, Dad was happy to point it out on every occasion." Tom reached out, thumb running down her cheek. "I told you that I would wait however long it took, and I meant it."

This might be her last chance.

"In Mexico City, with Gispert, you trusted me. Why?" She asked, leaning her face against his hand.

Tom was so close that she could feel his breath on her face. "Mike would say that you have an impeccable record."

Sasha's breath caught. "What do you say?"

"I trusted you, Sasha," Tom replied, "because I know who you are. And I know that you always put other people first. You wouldn't have put Tex or Pablo or me in the firing line if you weren't sure."

Sasha slid an arm around his neck, feeling her smile grow. "I'm pretty sure this is against regulations, Captain."

But instead of taking that final step, Tom eased back. "Is this what you want, Sasha?"

"At this moment, I am exactly where I want to be." Pulling him back to her, Sasha brushed her lips against the corner of her mouth. "You told me to choose. And I choose you."