Winter's Echo

Chapter Eighteen - All is Lost, All is Found

Elsa was in complete panic mode when over an hour passed and there was still no sign of Honeymaren in the impossibly dark forest. It had been hours since the woman had last been seen, which meant she could be anywhere at all and the snow was getting deeper. For all Elsa knew, the skilled nomad could have made it halfway to Arendelle without the need to follow a sled trail! The queen's mind raced with possibilities. What if they had been going the entirely wrong direction? What if she never left the beach? Would she go to Arendelle? Maybe, to seek out Anna. The winter spirit caught a flash of light through the trees out of the corner of her eye.

"Stop!" Elsa cried, and Nokk screeched to a halt, rearing up slightly at the sudden stop. Elsa placed a hand on the stallion's icy hindquarters and leaned back, peering through the trees into the distance. "Gale, what is that over there?" she pointed, knowing the wind spirit would be the fastest. A tell-tale whistle signaled her departure, a flurry of snow and leaves disappearing through the trees. Mere moments later, a somber, saddened voice reached the blonde queen. *She is here, mistress. Come to her, for she is in need of you.*

The tone of the normally excitable wind spirit sent a pang of confused anxiety through her as she bid Nokk to follow the call. Within a few moments, they were very near the light that had caught Elsa's eye during their search. Nokk slowed to a walk as he approached the tree line, the edge of the forest opening up to a vast meadow. Just beyond the tree line were two small fires carefully placed in front of two even more deliberately placed stones.

Graves.

Between them knelt Honeymaren, her head bowed and facing away from the spirits. Elsa wondered how long the woman had been like this; far too long if the depth of the undisturbed snow around her was any indication. "Maren?" Elsa called softly to the woman in front of her. The Northuldran's head lifted upon hearing her name, but did not turn. For a moment, all was still. After a pregnant pause, Honeymaren stood slowly and with dutiful purpose. Built up snow tumbled from her form as she rose. She finally turned to face Elsa, her eyes to the ground. When she looked up, Elsa's heart clenched painfully and tears began to sting her eyes. Even at a distance, the bleak emptiness she saw in her love's once warm and laughing eyes, now rimmed red from what were surely hours' worth of tears, shattered Elsa's heart into a million pieces.

Honeymaren regarded the pair of spirits blankly before dipping into a low, respectful bow as she normally did in Nokk's presence. A bow which the water spirit did not return. Elsa frowned a bit - Nokk was usually one to stand on ceremony, often commenting on the noaide's impeccable manners. Sensing the queen's unspoken question, the water spirit's deep, ethereal voice echoed in her mind somberly.

*It was not meant for me, my mistress...*

A sense of dread began to fill Elsa's soul. Something was very, very wrong and the wintery spirit didn't know if she had the courage to face it. She slid off of Nokk, not giving him time to lean down and stumbled slightly when she hit the ground, her legs just as unsteady as the frantic beating of her heart. "Maren?" she cautioned, taking a few tentative steps toward the stoic woman whose gaze had fallen to the snow once more in submission. "Yes, spirit," came the passive, obedient reply. 'No...Gods, no...' Elsa thought desperately. "Maren...please, I...I-I'm so sorry for what I said, what I did, I didn't mean-" Honeymaren raised her hand to halt the queen's apology. "Please..." she said quietly. "Please, don't, spirit. You were right."

"No!" Elsa shouted, sprinting the few yards that separated them and throwing her arms around the Northuldran's neck, pulling her close. The queen was shocked to feel not warmth, but a chill - Honeymaren was colder than the winter spirit herself. She pulled the woman she loved impossibly closer, burying her face in the brunette's neck. "Please, don't call me that. Call me love, or Snowflake, or a stupid idiot, but not that," she cried into her neck. "Because I am an idiot and I was so wrong...I was horrible and stupid and I hurt you because I was so scared I would lose you and it's no excuse but I'm so sorry, please, please forgive me, I beg of you," the queen rambled in a very Anna-like manner through growing tears and panic. Every moment she didn't feel Honeymaren's arms return her embrace she sank deeper into the fires of her own, personal hell. "Please, don't do this to me Maren," she begged, sobbing into the unmoving noaide's neck. "Please, don't shut me out...I won't survive it..." The queen was trembling violently now, somehow more scared than she could ever recall being in her life, the sheer emotional terror equal to when the Northuldran had nearly been killed in front of her hours earlier.

A tiny spark of hope flared to life in the blonde's heart as she felt Honeymaren's arms lift, only to be cruelly snuffed when impossibly cold hands reached up to untangle the queen's embrace and silently step out of it rather than return it. Elsa fell to her knees in the snow as Honeymaren stepped away from her, one arm wrapped tightly around her own waist, her other hand covering her mouth in an attempt to stifle her desperate sobs as she curled in on herself. Elsa felt as though she were dying, her body beginning to physically go into panicked shock. This couldn't be it. This couldn't be what they had become. She had finally opened her heart, her very soul to someone only to destroy everything the moment her life was perfect.

A hand appeared in front of Elsa, causing the queen to look up in confused hope. Honeymaren's expression was still carefully blank as she reached to take Elsa's hand, gently tugging to help her off the ground. Honeymaren led her toward the small fires that provided no warmth, their only purpose to mark a place of death, and stopped a few feet from them. Though Elsa tried to entwine their fingers, Honeymaren simply...let go. Elsa bit her trembling lip hard, wrapping her arms tightly around herself as she faced the graves. The two women stood in silence for several long moments, Elsa's attempts to stifle her tears the only sound to be heard. Finally, Honeymaren spoke in a sedate, carefully monotone voice.

"This is where my mother and father died. They were ill with fever one summer; a horrible sickness that made them weaker each day. My family moved out here temporarily to prevent the spread of the disease amongst the people until they recovered," Honeymaren explained as she stared blankly ahead. "They were sick for weeks, but their fierce spirits would not allow them to give up, knowing they were leaving Ryder and myself behind." Elsa lowered her head respectfully as the Northuldran spoke of her parents' final moments, looking down at the graves. "What happened...?" she whispered shakily. Honeymaren took a slow, steadying breath before continuing. "The cold of winter took them from us..." she said lowly. "A two-day winter in the middle of the summer." Elsa's eyes went wide, her blood freezing in her veins.

"Three years ago."

Elsa gasped in shock as the reality of what Honeymaren was telling her came crashing down on her like an avalanche. The queen's head snapped to the woman next to her to find Honeymaren staring directly at her for the first time since she had found her. Elsa slowly backed away in horror, intense brown eyes staring unblinkingly into her soul. She felt bile rise in the back of her throat and immediately turned, running a few yards over to the nearest tree. She leaned against it heavily while she emptied the little she had in her stomach behind it, the evidence of her sins disappearing in the deep snow. She wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve, horrified tears streaming from her wide open eyes as she began to hyperventilate. She remembered the night she had told Honeymaren about the winter she had created after her coronation and the lonely days that followed when the noaide had seemed to be avoiding her. It all made terrible sense to the queen.

Her false winter had killed the parents of the woman she loved.

She had killed Honeymaren's parents.

Elsa heard the crunch of footsteps in the snow approaching, coming to a stop just behind her. Elsa closed her eyes and, without a word, turned and fell to her knees at the Northuldran's feet and surrendered herself to her shame. Her head bowed with the weight of her crime, hands hanging limply at her sides in defeat. "I won't ask for your forgiveness," she whispered hoarsely. "I won't insult you that way. I don't deserve it, or your love. I never did..."

Honeymaren dropped to her knees before the broken woman, surprising the queen by cupping her face gently. "It need not be asked for, spirit," she replied quietly, lifting it to meet her gaze. Finally, Elsa could see more than apathy and emptiness in the noaide's eyes. She saw some things she expected; duty, sadness, pain. What she hadn't expected to see was the gratitude that shone there as well. "My parents were in a great deal of pain, but their stubborn bodies would not release their suffering souls to rest," she explained as she dropped her hands from Elsa's face into her lap. "Your winter was the blessing that finally released them from their agony, spirit. It came when it was needed most...and vanished mere hours after its task was done." Elsa stared into Honeymaren's eyes, unable to form a coherent thought.

"You were right to say and do what you did on the beach," she began again. She pressed her fingertips to Elsa's lips as the queen immediately opened her mouth to disagree, silencing her. "It isn't my place to speak against you as a spirit. But...but I can't not speak out for you as Elsa. Just as you risked everything to save me, so would I give everything I had to save you. You crossed a line that should never have been crossed without a second thought, and my love for you set you up for failure," she explained quietly. "This...can't happen. I am a noaide. My path was lain for me long ago and I cannot escape it. It is my destiny and my sworn duty." Honeymaren's eyes became glassy with tears, her breath hitching and her voice dropping to a whisper. "Just as the sun and moon cannot shine their full light while the other lives...I cannot serve you as the Fifth Spirit...and love you as Elsa."

Immediately, Elsa reached out to hold Honeymaren's face in her hands, imploring the Northuldran to listen to her. "I don't care," she whispered earnestly, shaking her head. "I don't care, by the Gods I don't care. I don't want you to serve me, I don't want you to be a noaide to me!" Elsa pressed her forehead firmly against Honeymaren's. "Honeymaren, I'm in love with you," she said pleadingly. Honeymaren closed her eyes, a few tears finally escaping as the bittersweet words she had been so desperate to hear for so long now became daggers in her heart...for they were too late.

"Maren," Elsa whispered, pulling back slightly. Honeymaren opened tearful brown eyes to meet Elsa's intense, searching gaze. "You promised you would never lie to me, Maren. I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you aren't in love with me, too. If I am alone in this, I swear I will never again pursue you, but I need to know the truth in your heart. Look at me and tell me you truly won't love me back." Honeymaren stared into glassy blue eyes, watching the storm raging within them. Even for the good of the world, her very soul would never allow her to deny loving the queen of ice and snow.

"I will never not love you, Elsa. From your first night here that has never been a question. That doesn't change that we can't be together," the tan woman whispered as Elsa leaned toward her. "Our love is a danger to the very laws of nature both of us are bound to." A small, bittersweet smile tugged at the blonde's features as she drew ever closer, her nose brushing against her love's gently. "I don't care," she whispered against full lips before claiming them firmly as her own, kissing the Northuldran with as much passion and love as she could muster. She kissed Honeymaren with everything she had, as though her lips were all that would keep the dark-haired woman on this Earth with her. Nimble fingers buried in dark tresses and pulled her closer, unwilling to allow even the tiniest of distances to separate them again. Tears streamed down Honeymaren's face as her heart fought painfully to come alive again, despite the noaide's desperate attempts to snuff it's voice, and forced the Northuldran's lips to respond in earnest to the queen that would bring it back to life.

The need to breathe forced the reluctant queen to break off the kiss, both women gasping for air. Her lips refused to leave Honeymaren's for more than a split second at a time, lest she lose the bare thread of hope that kept her together. Pants for breath were punctuated by small kisses, light brushes of soft lips, occasionally even a gentle nip at the Northuldran's full lower lip. Elsa pressed her forehead against Honeymaren's, needing to get a grip on her rising desperation as she tried to relight the fire of Honeymaren's heart.

"Elsa..." Honeymaren couldn't find the words or the heart to push the blonde away again, though her rational mind screamed at her to do it. "I'm sorry," Elsa whispered brokenly, reluctantly untangling her fingers from Honeymaren's silken locks. With great difficulty, she leaned back away from Honeymaren out of respect for the war that was surely raging within the spiritual Northuldran. "But I need you to know that I went to Ahtohallan and met with the other spirits and they approve. Of you, of us...everything." Honeymaren pulled back slightly to look at Elsa with wide, uncertain eyes. "What do you mean?"

"They have decided that the protection they promised your ancestors centuries ago applies to their descendants of today. We five will protect the Northuldra from whatever threatens them, natural or otherwise," Elsa answered. *It is because of her, mistress,* Nokk's voice suddenly sounded in her head. The queen looked up, having been too enraptured with Honeymaren to hear or sense his approach. *Her willingness to give her life for our laws, to turn away your help despite her love is what has earned this protection. You are her gift for her bravery and loyalty.* Red bloomed across Elsa's face at the implications her slightly passion-hazed mind imagined at that statement.

"Is he speaking to you...?" Honeymaren whispered, keeping her voice low in reverence to the water spirit as she stared up at him in awe - she had never been this close before. Nokk leaned down and pressed his muzzle gently against the noaide's forehead for a moment, causing Honeymaren to gasp quietly and close her eyes in disbelief at the great honor. A proud smile tugged at Elsa's lips as she looked back at her love. "He says it's because of you, Honeymaren. Your willingness to give your life for their laws, to stop me from breaking them despite your feelings for me is what has earned the Northuldra the protection of the spirits." Nokk nudged Elsa's shoulder firmly, pawing at the ground slightly. The pale woman's blush darkened and she lightly pushed his muzzle away. "No!" she grumbled at him in embarrassment.

"What is he saying?" Honeymaren asked curiously, watching the spirits' antics. "Noth-" Elsa began as she turned back to the Northuldran, but paused as she looked at Honeymaren's face. Though it was tinged with sadness and emotional exhaustion, a small, amused smile tugged at the dark-haired woman's lips. It made Elsa's heart feel lighter to see her love finally smile. She sighed resignedly, shooting an annoyed glare at the water spirit's smug whickering. She turned back to the ever patient noaide, smiling shyly. "He...he said I'm your true reward for your loyalty...a gift to honor your bravery." Elsa was too embarrassed and shy to look Honeymaren in the eye as she translated, her eyes dropping to her lap as her hands fidgeted with the gossamer fabric of her cape.

"I'm afraid...I have to decline, great spirit," the Northuldran said quietly, looking up at the watery stallion. Elsa visibly flinched, her nervous fidgeting halted. The queen's head dipped lower in disappointment, her shoulders slumping a bit in defeat. She had thought...Elsa bit her lip to prevent it from trembling. She would not cry and guilt Honeymaren into a decision she didn't want to make. As she tried to work up the courage to tell the brunette that she accepted her decision, Honeymaren spoke to Nokk again.

"Elsa's love is too special a thing to be given away, not a prize to be won." Elsa lifted her head at that to find Honeymaren giving her a small, but warm smile. "It's an honor that must be earned and cherished every day, every moment of one's life," she continued. "It has to be grown through laughter and midnight rendezvous, and solidified through trials and tears. I'm sorry, great spirit. I cannot accept a gift that is far too precious to give, but I did my best to be worthy of her all the same."

Elsa stared at the Northuldran in quiet awe, her expression a mixture of disbelief, relief, and adoration. *She truly is magnificent, mistress,* Nokk said gently. Elsa just smiled proudly. "Yes she is," she answered him aloud. Honeymaren tilted her head curiously, only hearing half the conversation. Just as she was about to say something, Honeymaren shivered violently, wrapping her arms around herself. Elsa reached out to grasp her hand, cursing herself as she felt the icy chill in the Northuldran's hand.

"Come on," she urged gently as she stood, tugging at the frozen woman's hands. "Let me take you home, Maren." Honeymaren struggled a bit to get up, the cold and emotional roller coaster sapping most of her strength from her. Once Elsa was sure the weak woman was steady, she reached over to Nokk and grabbed the two large, thick furs she had brought from the village. The queen draped one over his powerful withers to protect Honeymaren from his icy body before bidding him to lie rather than kneel in the snow.

Once he was down, Elsa turned to help Honeymaren on only to feel resistance when she tried to lead her over to him. She gave the tan woman a concerned look, gently brushing the back of her fingers against her chilled cheek. "What's wrong, love?" Elsa asked gently. "You can't be serious," she said incredulously, looking between the blonde and the water spirit. "I can't ride the water spirit like he's a pony!" Honeymaren insisted quietly to the queen. Elsa gave a small laugh at the look on the noaide's face, shaking her head lovingly. "Maren, do you really think he would allow you to ride him, to even touch him if he thought you undeserving? The laws of nature have been turned for the love you have given me and you still believe yourself unworthy?" Elsa asked, raising a challenging eyebrow. The Northuldran looked as though she were seriously debating the pros and cons of dying of hypothermia versus mounting Nokk. The icy stallion gave a small nicker of encouragement and tossed his head slightly, almost as if he were nodding.

Honeymaren debated for another moment before she took a deep breath and nodded in agreement, allowing Elsa to help her settle astride the powerful creature, the fur protecting her from his icy cold. Elsa sat directly behind her, pressing her body close against Honeymaren's to share her distressingly warmer body heat with the freezing woman. The queen draped the second, larger fur across the front of her dark-haired love, wrapping it around both of them like an oversized cloak and using a small trail of frost to seal it closed, cocooning Honeymaren in its heavy protection.

As Nokk rose from the ground with little effort, Elsa wrapped her arms around Honeymaren's waist, pulling her close in a protective embrace as the Northuldran shivered uncontrollably. "Shhhh," she cooed gently, resting her chin on Honeymaren's shoulder as Nokk began to walk at an easy pace, trying not to jostle his passengers. "Relax, my love. You'll warm up soon. I've got you," she murmured into dark tresses. Elsa's heart throbbed wonderfully in her chest when she felt Honeymaren lean into her and place her arms atop the queen's, holding them in place. The shivering woman tilted her head to the side to rest it against Elsa's, nuzzling lightly. "I know you do," she whispered back.

A particularly violent shudder wracked Honeymaren's body, nearly shaking off Elsa's embrace in its ferocity. The queen made a small noise of worry, moving her hands from the Northuldran's waist to her arms, rubbing vigorously to try to generate some heat. Honeymaren shook her head, reaching up to grasp Elsa's hands and placing them around her. "Just hold me, Elsa," she whispered, ducking her head down to tuck it beneath the spirit's chin, snuggling into her as best she could in their position. "I just want to feel your arms around me." Elsa pulled her tight against her at the request, holding Honeymaren like her life depended on it. "You'll never have to be without them, if that is what you want..." the queen murmured to her.

"It is," Honeymaren answered immediately. "Whether or not I can allow myself to have it is what I need to decide," she answered honestly. Elsa shifted the slowly warming woman in her arms slightly to look in her eyes. "I don't understand, Maren...the spirits have already decided their future path. What is there left to stop us from being perfectly happy?" Honeymaren met Elsa's gaze honestly and openly - she would not try to hide anything from the queen, even if her honesty upset her. "The same thing that still gives you nightmares some nights, makes you put all others above yourself, and made you afraid to be loved for so long," she answered. "You know better than anyone, Elsa...a lifetime of training and destiny cannot simply be erased and rewritten because you are told it is accepted now."

Elsa felt like she had been punched in the gut as understanding began to dawn on her in all the worst ways. The guilt of the impossible position she had put Honeymaren in just by loving her stole the breath right from her lungs. The realization of how insurmountable it was to overcome such a hardwired existence...she felt she may never breathe again.

Elsa turned her head away from Honeymaren to hide the tears that instantly began to fall, biting her lip hard to keep it from trembling. The queen simply nodded her understanding, not trusting her voice, and hugged the Northuldran close again as the light of the encampment came into view in the distance. Elsa bid Nokk to slow, eventually stopping just behind the tree line and pressed a kiss to Honeymaren's temple. The blonde closed her eyes and tried to commit the feel of the woman in her arms to her memory. The way it felt to have her now warmed body pressed flush against hers. The smell of fresh wood, leather and a crisp wind that had so often calmed her troubled mind. The steady, strong beat of the purest heart she had ever met that had lulled her back to sleep after countless nightmares.

Slowly, Nokk knelt in the deepening snow and his mistress pulled the fur off of herself and slid down his side, turning to help Honeymaren dismount as well. The Northuldran looked into the queen's eyes, searching for the truth in her heart as Elsa draped the fur once more around the dark-haired woman's shoulders. The winter spirit could only meet Honeymaren's searching gaze for a brief moment before she looked away again, pulling the fur more snugly around the noaide's shoulders. Honeymaren looked back at Nokk, who hadn't moved from his spot, clearly waiting for his mistress.

"You're leaving..."

"I have to, Maren," came the whispered reply as Elsa's fingers reluctantly left the fur, her hands dropping despondently to her side. "No, you don't, Elsa. I don't want you to," Honeymaren insisted, concerned eyes never leaving the queen's face. Elsa simply shook her head, trying to find the words to explain why she couldn't stay as well as the bravery to say them. "You need space and time from me to make the right decision for you, Maren, and...and I'm not strong enough to give you that right now," she admitted guiltily. "You're right...I know just how it feels to try to unlearn everything you were told, even when you know in your heart it's not right. Maybe if I hadn't been constantly surrounded by the possibility of hurting the people I loved most, I would have been brave enough to learn to control my powers." Elsa shook her head slightly, a sad and bitter smile on her face. "Maybe I would have had the courage to tell you I loved you the first night you kissed me, though I loved you long before then..." Elsa reached out to brush a lock of dark hair from Honeymaren's face, watching longingly as it fell over her pale fingers. Suddenly, she imagined delicate flowers in the dark, silky tresses, and the beautiful Northuldran dressed entirely in white. She imagined herself meeting her at the altar of the castle's church where she would then make Honeymaren hers for all eternity. Elsa choked back a sob as the beautiful life she could have had with Honeymaren flashed before her eyes; a life she would have had if she had only had the courage to follow her heart. She finally met the brunette's gaze with a small, pained smile, trying her hardest to be brave for the woman she loved. "You did everything you could to help me on my journey. I love you enough to do the same for you."

Warm hands reached out to touch Elsa's face, but stilled midair before she slowly pulled them back. "Are you running from me, winter spirit?" Honeymaren asked quietly. "You'll...you will come home...right?" The Northuldran tried to smile bravely, though Elsa could see the tears welling in eyes swimming with longing, fear, and grim duty. Longing for the blonde spirit she loved so much, fear that her lover would not return, and the duty that was forcing her to choose between it and her. For the first time she could remember in her life, the noaide genuinely wasn't sure what to do.

"If you ever decide you are ready," she answered after a pregnant pause. "Call for me and I will come to you." Elsa pressed her forehead against Honeymaren's, closing her eyes in a silent goodbye. Letting the noaide go would be the most painful, yet most important and final way for Elsa to tell her..."I love you," she whispered. Without another word, the queen turned and walked back to Nokk, swiftly mounting him and turning him away to the direction of Arendelle. Honeymaren's heart clenched painfully in her chest, the image of the blonde's back about to leave her behind far too familiar a scene. Unlike the last time, however, Elsa looked back with a small, sad smile. "I love you, Honeymaren, and that will never change...no matter what you decide." Before the dark haired woman could respond, Elsa bid Nokk to spirit her away into the darkness, disappearing into the trees and out of sight.

AN:

*deep breath* ...I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry...

I will eventually bring back happiness for that wonderful influx of reviews!

...I'll bring them back faster for more! XD *waves a little cardboard sign that says 'Will Work For Reviews*

-Volchise