A/N: Trigger warning for those dealing with horrible thoughts and suicidal ideation.

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…

Jeez, what's with Satori today? He should've been in the club hours ago! And he's not even answering his phone! Can't believe I have to come to his home and get him out of bed.

Like a…a girlfriend. Sheesh, this is something a girlfriend would do, huh?

I open the front door and call out.

"Satori?"

But after what he told me yesterday, I can't say I blame him. I may not understand him, but it's gotta be hard getting up in the morning. Especially after what I did.

Despite my protesting heart, I went with my better judgement and morals and told him that it would be best if we remain friends, that I knew what was best for him and that I would always be by his side, no matter what. He seemed to understand…

But that…scream. Like someone just destroyed every hope and dream he had left.

I felt that guilt from yesterday wash over me.

I could've worded it better. I could've said yes, I could've been there like no one else has.

I start ascending the staircase up to Satori's room and reach the door before long.

"Satori? Wake up dummy…"

No response. Guess I really do have to walk into his room…

Maybe I really should've just said yes. Given him a reason to actually look forward to today, instead of add on top of the list to not.

I gently open the door.

"Sato-"

he's swinging from the ceiling, his fingers are bloody, his neck oh god his neck

his eyes, they're pale nothing just blank

he's pale, he's dead oh god oh no please satori don't leave me

oh god why no satori fuck please don't do this please please

"Why did you leave me? In my most vulnerable moment, you shot me down. Destroyed me."

no wait i'm sorry please come back

i'll say yes, please come back please

"You're nothing but a monster. Manipulating me, leading me on, and even when I was at my lowest, when I thought I could count on you…"

no please stop please

god no please don't be dead please I can't please

"You couldn't even save me. You couldn't even save your best friend."

he's looking right at me please stop no

i did what i thought was right stop please

please

Please

PLEASE

PLEASE

"PLEASE!" I scream. I'm shaking, crying.

Please, don't take him. Take me. I deserve it. I deserve it.

"MICHELLE?!" I look to my right and see Satori, breathing, full of life, and, under just the light of my small LED light on my desk, only barely noticeable scars where a noose was just moments ago.

Just regular Satori.

"What?! What happened!?" He's worried, frightened.

I just stare at him, before tears well up in my eyes.

he's…he's fine?

I feel the wracking pain in my chest. The tears sliding down my face.

oh god why. why again?

Satori doesn't say anything more, opting instead to just hug me close.

"It's okay Michelle, I'm right here. Always." I feel sick. My stomach doing flips.

I huddle into his chest, my sobs shaking my entire body viciously. I loop my arms around him and squeeze, worrying that if I let go…

They'll get him again.

We stay there for what feels like hours. Eventually, the sobs slow, and my body isn't shaking anymore. Satori is slowly rocking back and forth, me still in his arms.

It was just a nightmare. It wasn't real. He's right here, next to you. Full of life, full of color, full of Satori.

I feel a bit of moisture on the top of my head, like something…dripping. Instantly, my heart plummets.

Is he…crying?

I feel my eyes start to water all over again, and I looked up from his chest, to see his piercing, sky blue eyes full of tears, his mouth quivering, looking straight down at me.

Ha, look at you. Making him cry. Fucking useless burden. What type of best friend makes theirs cry?

I bring one of my hands up to his face and wipe away a tear before it has the chance to slip down.

"P-please don't cry, Satori. I'm…sorry, for waking you up. I can deal with this alone, go back to sl-" He cuts me off by pulling my face back into his chest, prompting the dam behind my eyes to shatter, the sobs wracking my body once again.

We sit there, in each other's arms for what is actually hours this time, until the sun shines through cracks in my curtains.

I notice, but choose to not react, choosing to stay instead in our intimate form, my body in his lap, legs wrapped around his abdomen, face in his chest, his chin on top of my head, arms around each other.

He falls asleep before me, but I'm not far behind, my body turning off once again.

…

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…

…

…

A field of blank nothingness. A figure, in the distance, a lone silhouette against a cacophony of white noise. It's getting closer. Closer. Closer. The white is being drowned out my outlines, then lines, then a full background of black. Loud, raspy breathing. Gasps. Until…Red. Arms of red, 1, 2, 3 stabs. Purple and red, mixing in a brilliant flash of color, and then…

A classroom, stars outside the windows, a single desk, 2 chairs. I'm in one. And across from me…

"M-Moniko? What is this? Where are we?" I ask.

"Let's try that again. You apparently need to be taught just where the other three went… again." He says, a sinister look on his face.

"Try what again? What are you ta-" I ask.

But before the question fully left my mouth, I was back on the staircase, quietly and slowly stepping up to Satori's room.

"Satori? Wake up dummy…"

I gasped and shifted up. It's only a second before I feel my lungs start to ramp up. My throat closing. Hyperventilating.

4-7-8. 4-7-8.

Repeat.

Repeat.

It's okay. You're okay.

After steadying my breath, I look around the room. It was well into the morning at this point, probably closer to afternoon than sunrise.

Satori…wasn't next to me. Where was he?

Where…where is he?

The events of the previous night rush to my head, and it takes me another few repeats of 4-7-8 to calm down.

It was just a nightmare. Just a nightmare.

I look around my room again. My door is ever so slightly open, like someone has been checking on me. My mind comes to one name.

Satori.

I swallow thickly, and swing my legs over the side, and stand out of bed. I feel myself nearly collapse but manage to steady. I stumble over to my door and swing it open.

Instantly, the smell of searing meat hits my nose, and my mouth waters. And then, my stomach grumbles. And then, a full type of pain in my bladder.

As I walk out of the bathroom, now refreshed, I notice the smell was now mixed with the sweet scent of fruit and syrup. I start down the stairs, looking into the kitchen as soon as the wall frees away.

"Sato-" Then I notice him.

Sitting at the table, sunlight gracing his features, like a movie scene. His hair, his face, his ear piercing, his nose, his…everything.

So full of life. So bright and…beautiful.

He was eating his own plate of what he made, mine most likely in the microwave.

I felt my heart begin to thump hard in chest.

The sound of my voice must've alerted him to my presence because he looks towards me.

His eyes. Those beautiful sky-blue sapphires, inside a perfect pearl face.

I felt my face warm up.

"Michelle!" He said, scooting out from the table, rushing towards me.

No, wait-

Instantly, the air has been forcibly removed from my lungs and Satori bear hugs me.

"Uwaa! Are you okay!?" He said. I can hear the quiver in his voice.

"I'm…fine…Satori…air….please…" I choke out.

He loosens his grip, and I breath in delicious, life sustaining air, before looking at him.

A perfect, beautiful face.

I scarf down the remaining eggs on my plate, leaning back in the wooden dining table chair as I swallow.

"Thanks again, Satori. You didn't have to cook me breakfast." I say, my belly full, and my fragile consciousness now threatened by a stuffed tummy.

"Nuh-uh! Remember how you helped me all the time during sophomore year when I wasn't feeling good? It's time to repay those favors!" Satori said while taking a seat at the table across from me.

"Favors? I only did that because you needed me to." I say, putting my hands over my belly.

And because I love you.

"Well, now you need me to do this for you, because you aren't feeling well." Satori said.

"What do you mean Satori? I'm fine."

"Michelle, listen. I may be a bit… clumsy, and a bit…airheaded, but I'm not stupid. If anything, this is an area I know the most about." Satori said, adopting a serious, worried tone to his voice while looking at me.

"Michelle. Please. Tell me what's wrong. I won't judge you, I won't make fun of you. I'll be here for you. I promise." I felt my heart crack with the pleading tone in his voice. My defenses were collapsing.

"Satori. I'm f-…" My voice dies out in my throat. His face. So…worried.

No. He deserves to know. If he wants to know…then let him know.

"I…I…Okay…I'll…uhm…I…" I felt a block of lead settle in my throat, my heart, and my mind, causing any thoughts, words, emotions to become weighted and stumbled. My eyes felt wet, like the recently repaired dam behind them was already beginning to crack again.

"I don't…know, what's wrong. I just feel so…" My voice began trembling.

I could feel my body pleading with me not to say it, threatening, begging, demanding, praying to not tell him.

If he knows, do you know how much you'll destroy him!? You can't. You. Can. Not.

But he'll feel even worse if I held it from him, especially now. And that…would destroy us both.

"I feel so…so…u-u-useless… all the time. Like a burden." Much to my own chagrin, I whispered the last part.

But the real shame began when I saw the look on Satori's face. Defeat. Anger. Sadness. Disappointment.

I continued, despite the protests from my stomach, the acrobatics upsetting it.

"Every day. I feel like this…every…s-single day. Like I'd be…better off gone." I felt the lead go away in my body, and I felt…invigorated. Darkly invigorated, like some abyssal power had taken hold of my voice and letting all these thoughts out was the only way to make it go away.

"Every single day. For the past year and a half." I felt a sickening smile place itself on my face, tears silently leaking out of my eyes.

"I'm fucking suicidal, did you know that Satori? I want to die! It's probably crazy coming from the one rock you thought you had, but I'm just as lost as you! Isn't that just FUCKING CRAZY SATORI!?" I start yelling in some disturbed joy.

This feels so…good! I need to keep going, let it all out like my guts out of my body!

"Haha! And, and the dream I had this morning? The one that woke me and you up? It was one where you fucking DIED that day Satori! And it keeps. Fucking. Happening. Every day, I'm just a little too late, a little too slow, but just in time to see you hanging there, dead, pale and lifeless. But it doesn't stop there! Your corpse says something, like I'm useless, or that I'm just a burden, that I'm a piece of human trash that deserves to d-"

I get cut off my Satori crushing me into his chest.

When did…he get up?

I feel his body shaking, and it finally snaps me out of the crazed, manic mindset I had adopted.

And then it caught up to me.

Oh god. What did I just say?

Why did I say it?

Why?

I just fucked up everything.

I felt the lead reform in my throat, the dam behind my eyes burst. But even so, I felt that manic feeling still in my chest, and despite all protests from the rest of my body, I continued, my voice muffled, but still definitely audible.

"Isn't it fucking crazy, Satori? I want to…I want…I…" I couldn't continue. And before I could stifle it, I heard a piercing, anguished wail erupt out of my body before I started sobbing.

"Ssshhh…" I heard Satori whisper, just barely over my messy, heavy sobs, his voice cracked. His body was still shaking.

"We'll get through this together. I'm here for you."

"I promise, as long as I live, as long as it takes, even if it takes 100 lifetimes…"

"I'll be right by your side."

I felt my heart thrum in my chest.

It's just like what I said to him, 3 years ago. And what a bunch of help that did. Hilarious.

I said nothing, opting instead to just cry.

A/N: Alright, this chapter was a bit overdue. Just been a bit sick with an ear infection and stuff, and along with that, my wisdom teeth have decided it is the absolute perfect time to wiggle into my mouth! The next chapter might be a bit delayed as a result, as I have to battle the creative well and my own pain tolerance to write. Also! I will be going back and correcting the formatting on previous chapters and such, just because I have now realized the formatting did not transition over from word to website. But besides that, remember to fav and follow the story if you enjoyed, and check my profile for new or updated stories!