A/N1: I've been resisting hard for years, no matter who wanted to drag me into the game. Old Republic era had never held much of a charm for me, someone who fell head over heels with Star Wars because of Rogue One - the story placed roughly 3600 years after SWTOR events.
But, when I'm in need of a distraction to stay sane, I tend to become obsessive with random, accidental discoveries. Mary Russell mysteries, Silent Witness, Blindspot, Rogue One, Final Fantasy XIV, just to name a few; they are all things that I've inspected out of curiosity, to keep mind occupied. They all came into my life out of sudden and somehow all stay as major part of it. So, when I eventually got into Star Wars: The Old Republic, of course I just had to become totally, absolutely obsessed with it, smuggler's storyline in particular. And that's where this tiny thing comes from - from the need to handle all them obsessive feels that came with SWTOR gaming.
The Commander studies thoroughly purple covers crumpled against her naked body. At least, she does have a body, after being basically a dying consciousness trapped in carbonite.
She used to be just a fading mind. And a many lot of other things, before the carbonite and after.
An aspiring smuggler.
A daring privateer.
A hero to the Republic.
A bane to the Revanites.
And there was even more.
She'd been a captain to a rusty ship and ragtag crew too. She used to have a home among the stars, with more like a family aboard than a bunch of subordinates.
She'd been a wife to Corso Riggs: a cheerful mercenary, one worshiping her every move.
And, she'd been a lover to Theron Shan: a Republic spy-boy, one understanding tough choices and sacrifices.
Both of the men were longing for her to come back to the world of living, judging by the heart-wrenching letters each had sent her at some point during past five years.
But, who is she now that she actually did come back?
The murderer of Zakuulan emperor.
The Outlander coming out of carbonite stasis for revenge.
The Commander for game-changing force in the galaxy.
So many responsibilities, so many planets and lives to save. So much is on stake that being a person of her own is pretty much a waste of energy. She could just as well have no feelings whatsoever, only the duties. She's so lucky to have two people she can cling to. They are the ones connecting her to the old life; that is, to any life at all.
One such person is Lana. The Sith has proven to be nothing but fully dependable upon. And Lana might not exactly be a friend, but she'd hard won the trust: going from a forced ally to a savior, then to a steady supporter and advisor. It is Lana's composure that keeps things from going overly heated between Alliance core members. It is the knowledge of her five years worth of efforts that keeps Commander from falling apart over the loss of familiar world and people near and dear.
That's the one person. And the other -
"Theron?"
"Mhm?"
Lazy sound reverberates against her back. Warm palm snakes around her waist to rest over a sun-shaped scar just below the ribs, where Arcann's lightsaber had pierced her body through. It's been an eye-opening experience for sure. Maybe Arcann couldn't kill her this way, because damaging an otherwise empty vessel doesn't really mean a thing. And if there's only a void inside, is she still a person - or just a bunch of adjectives slapped onto a flat surface, with no depth and no substance? Is there still a person beneath?
"Love me, Theron"
"I love you, Commander", he laughs into her hair.
Commander sighs heavily. Nothing can ever be that easy.
"No, I mean - love -me-"
"You know I'm crazy about you. I love you. -You-", he emphasizes. There's no more playfulness in his voice, just sincerity.
Maybe some things can be that easy after all. Maybe she's still a person of her own, she thinks when Theron's searing kisses melt her spine away.
A/N2: Huge thanks to my SWTOR guild! You all handle my obsessive - paranoid - noisy - intense fangirling with lots of patience, even if with huge bits of amusement. I truly appreciate and enjoy your company!