A/N1: Again needed to sort out the game-related feels flooding my system, and again writing a story seemed the perfect way to sift through the mess in my mind. This time I've been a bit shaken after the Fractured Alliances story arc, the bumpy ride with Nathema Conspiracy as the grand finale. Logically, it's been all a poor excuse to rob the character of Gravestone and Eternal Fleet. Emotionally, it's been stomping repeatedly over my battered heart, which ended up in need of some serious mending.
Also, this partially deals with emotions over an actual past relationship of mine. Probably that's why it took so long to wrap the story up, as it became a more personal matter than ever suspected.
The Commander studies thoroughly purple covers crumpled against her naked body. She needs her rest desperately, but can't fall asleep with all these thoughts swirling inside her head.
So much has happened recently. Most probably she shouldn't be even called Commander anymore. Her own people couldn't trust her with their crucial discoveries on the enemy moves. As a result, the Alliance pretty much doesn't exist anymore, robbed of their powers. They've lost their greatest strength, the whole of Eternal Fleet along with the Gravestone. What kind of Commander does it make her, if it happened on her guard?
Theron said he did all of this to protect her. He swore to protect her at all cost. She doesn't really feel spared though. In the end, the galaxy has been saved once again by even more of pain and death taking the toll. Theron's father - dead; Republic forces - decimated; Imperial forces - also suffering loses; Zakuul - leaving Alliance for independence; her own heart - fractured because of the pressure put on her, both as The Commander and as her own person.
Like if there wasn't already enough of pain in her personal life. After settling down somewhat as Commander of the Alliance, after a period of sharing her ups and downs with Theron, she suddenly managed to face Corso: Corso Riggs, her husband in a different lifetime, before the carbonite. And the meeting, well - it went about just as awkward as expected. She loved the man, that she did, in a way. Corso used to be such a steady comforting presence, always there for her, always ready to cheer her up or shoot a way through the galaxy just for her. But, he loved an idealized image of a woman: someone she didn't know how to be, no matter how hard she'd tried. Not to mention, after separation they became almost strangers - different people, shaped by the time and events the other couldn't be a part of. She just had to end this suspended relationship, even if it was a painful move for them both. It still is a bit painful, as he did agree to join her Alliance regardless. He will understand though, if he didn't already. He will move on.
Somehow, pretty much behind Corso's back, she had already moved on. There is a relationship that has grown into one so much more meaningful and satisfying, even if also a so much more painful one.
She almost forced the proposal out of Theron's still too-pale lips. It's been so selfish of her, to demand declarations after all that they've just been through. It's been almost cruel, to make him squirm so under her sad look. And yet, how she loved him in that moment of naked truth. The superweapon destroyed, the purpose of his show served; supposedly the end justifies the means, so he could shrug it all off, like if nothing had happened. Yet, he knew well that the pretended treachery was just as heart-shattering for her as it has been for him. The man was genuinely, deeply sorry for all the hurt he caused by doing what he did and not sharing his plans beforehand. Of course he's been right, not saying a word was the wiser thing to do, and not because it moved her out of major harm's way. Out of all the lies, this one thing has always been perfectly true - this is bigger than them. With so many lives at stake, he couldn't just share the news on the Order and its plans with everybody. Still, neither he should take everything upon himself only. A small hint, a wink - she'd appreciate any sign just to know he doesn't really stomp over her heart and their once-shared ideals. And, she'd give her everything to support him all along this nearly-suicidal mission, to follow her beloved into the very hells. But then, what she would do, if she'd be the one getting the intel first? What if she'd be the one facing an impossible decision?
She would make exactly the same choices he made.
Because, they are so very alike, inside and outside. It's been an early and very startling revelation over a mission and a couple of drinks, just how much they have in common. They share the weapon of choice - dual blasters; neither tries to hide their cybernetics; they share disregard for authorities; also, the dry sense of humor; the unyielding loyalty to friends and allies; all that, and the need to be constantly in motion, never stay too long in one place. Neither is the type of person to settle down on a farm and enjoy quiet life. The Odessen base - bustling with energy, loud with voices, full of activity to the brim - naturally and easily became true home to both. That's the place she had meant when, with whole HoloNet witnessing, she'd admitted her love for Theron and asked him to come back home. In a public display of terrible vulnerability, she had laid bare all of her hurt and - hope.
It still feels like if Nathema took her hope and, with help of the Force, made it real. Horribly destroyed planet returning to the balance, life on it starting anew: a miracle in the making. The truth revealed by Theron among that amazing greenery, a miracle meant just for her, it's been like restarting her own life too. Clinging to the smallest of hopes for so long had exhausted her mind completely, so at this point she let her heart decide instead. Lana could see clearly it had nothing to do with reason, and all - with overwhelming emotions. She did comply with Commander's decision. Although, no doubt the Sith would make use of her killer skills if any suspicions were to be raised again, and she'd do so no matter the orders or pleas. Yet somehow, against the odds, this one time life has won. Love has won.
Love. For the first time in her life, the woman feels truly loved. For the first time ever she's loved for who she is, not in spite of it. She shifts in bed to prop on her elbow and takes a long look at the man sleeping beside her - the man who loves her and almost got himself killed because of it. Theron had almost died saving the galaxy all alone, because he loves his girlfriend too much to let her share the dangers with him. They'd almost been separated forever because of the love they have for each other. It's not easy to block out the memory of him slowly crumpling to the ground after receiving a piercing stab from behind. The thought of losing Theron right after learning he had never really betrayed her, it had almost killed her then and there. That possibility still terrifies her, especially that he has not made a full recovery yet. He's still a bit too pale and has deep shadows under eyes; moves slower, gets tired faster. He still sports that ridiculous hairdo. And, he'll never get rid of the double scar right below his ribs. It's only slightly reassuring that his matches hers in both size and placement.
Still, not the last thing they have in common. Her nightmares are just as bad as his, he told her once. Since that day each have managed to earn additional burden of tragedy and pain, making the nightmares even worse. And apparently Theron still did not get in terms with guilt over some of own choices. He often is having the same dream of a never-ending chase after her, the one he described on the day of his - her? their? - proposal. Maybe even he's just going through it right now, seeing how the man went from stillness and silence to nervous arms twitching and mumbling under his breath.
That's not how their new chapter is supposed to look like. At least, not here - not home.
So the woman bows her head and tries to calm down the mind as troubled as hers with the only thing she can offer.
"I'm here, Theron. You've found me and I took you home"
He doesn't frown nor he tries to speak anymore. Yet, he doesn't relax either.
"We're home, Theron"
With a shudder the man opens eyes and gives her hovering form a long, slightly puzzled look. Then flashes that boyish smile of his, knowing perfectly well how it works on her.
"I'm sorry if I woke you up with my stupid dream. But, you still love your idiot spy boyfriend, don't you?"
"No..."
Before he has time to react in any way, she continues with a wicked smile.
"I still love my idiot spy groom-to-be. I always will. Don't you ever forget about that, even in your sleep"
A mix of shock, relief and joy is what she can see right before Theron wraps arms around her back and draws her in for a kiss.
Closeness, safety, trust - that's how the new chapter should look like. It's high time and perfect place to make sure that it does.