A/N1: 6.3 content update just came out, so high time to deal with the backlog of them feels, some post-6.2, some older - including the mystery of my Rishi obsession.
Purple fabric crumpled around The Alliance Commander is thoroughly soaked with sea water. It's getting all stiff and heavy with salt and sand. The cape requires cleaning for sure, but she couldn't care less. She loves sitting on the beach, close to water. Ocean waves of Rishi coast are so soothing. The way they softly hit her bare feet feels like a purifying touch, perfectly able to wash away everything that troubles her: the guilt, the shame, the tiredness.
Probably the woman should simply relax and be happy of her achievements. Eliminating the greatest villain in the galaxy sounds like dreams coming true for every adventurous spacer. Being accepted by her chosen one's mother sounds like dreams coming true for any person in love. And yet, there's not much pride in any of that. Not for her, not yet... if ever. Instead, she's so exhausted after way too many encounters with death. And, there's the constant guilt and shame of numerous bad choices in the most recent past. If only she could make at least some of that - just gone.
But then, The Commander has lost quite a bit of her past already. Because of the sudden carbonite stasis, the ties with near and dear ones had been cut abruptly. Any chance she could lose something of her current life as well - just one person of her present friends and allies - she doesn't think it possible to live with. And losing Theron, that's too heavy a thought to bear even a single time more. She could clearly see it now, the hypocrisy resonating behind her pleas for everybody to stay behind. She truly meant to keep them all safe at the Odessen base. Somehow it's been like the Order of Zildrog horror all over again, but this time it was she who's been trying to move her important people out of harm's way. But, no matter how hard she'd insist, pretty much anyone who could offer any help ended up tagging along for the ride anyway. In hindsight it's clear that only thanks to this cooperation they all could return home safe and victorious. Only thanks to this joint effort Theron didn't lose another parent.
Satele's rescue mission has summoned memories of Iokath with their full force; like if they weren't already recalled every single day. Nobody, not even the person who directly orchestrated the plot, could've suspected how tragic things on Iokath would become. There he was, Theron's father - Jace Malcom - attempting to kill her with ease of person swatting a fly. Unsuccessful, he went spewing all his hatred against her. He'd been thinking her worse than the lowest of merc scum, yelling out straight to her face how unworthy of Theron's devotion she is. And then there was Theron lashing back, ready to shoot own parent to protect his Republic-defying lover, the lowly smuggler girl. And what came up next, still haunts her days and nights. She wasn't able to stop Malcom from using the war machine powerful beyond any comprehension. Jace died on her watch, even if the clash on Iokath was part of complicated choreography meant for Order of Zildrog. She still feels so guilty, despite all of this not being a direct result of her actions. It was the Republic Supreme Commander who completely gave into deep-rooted desire of wiping the Empire out, solely his own decision. Also, never granted the opportunity to get anywhere close such a powerful device, Jace could just as well be still alive - but it's Theron who had lured to the planet them leaders of three major factions, trio of pawns. It wasn't her fault, none of it. And yet, it all has happened because of her, because of Theron's desire to protect her at all costs. No wonder she wouldn't ever want to face him again if anything was to happen to his mother. No way to fail him for the second time, never ever. Does it mean though that she had tried so hard to save Satele purely out of all the wrong reasons? Like, for example, because of personal pursuit for redemption?
Regardless of motivations, Satele and most of her students were saved after all. What more, at the same time they have destroyed a seemingly immortal entity, the ex-emperor of Sith Empire and Zakuul. He's gone once and for all, defeated by a whole army of his victims and adversaries trapped in dreamscape. The weird thing is, this victorious army has been led by the sole sentient present not attuned to the Force. Commander is not a Force-sensitive person, she has never been one, and yet her presence turned out to be the key to victory. It all went according to Satele's plan, because apparently it all has been a part of a yet another complicated set-up. The love for secrecy is one more thing that runs deeply in the Shan family, Commander smirks. Even if it wouldn't change a thing, it still would be nice to know beforehand that the ex-Grand Master of the Jedi Order has some ideas for the encounter. That day the Jedi woman has been full of surprises, as she had one more thing up her sleeve: the strangest welcome home party ever. Listening there to Satele's admission, one of troubled mother of a troubled son, took Commander's breath away. It's not often that one can hear how the partner's parent acknowledges that their child is finally in the right place, with the right person. Considering how fanatically both of Theron's parents used to be devoted to their duties towards the Republic, it felt unreal to listen. It's like receiving a blessing for the future from the only person that could give it. There was nothing else to say in response than the truth - an oath on her own of Commander, to keep on doing what she already does with all her might: keeping Theron happy, loved and safe until their dying day.
This has taken place when, against the odds, whole rescue team made it back home, to Odessen. This is where Commander's home is now, and always will be. But in those happier of her dreams, she used to return to Rishi, the planet of pirates and oceans. No place is a paradise, Rishi sadly being no exception - not with its omnipresent wreckage, gang wars and slavery. But it's how she'd been the happiest before the carbonite: enjoying salty wind and hot sun, fighting slavers and cultists amidst tropical foliage, innocently flirting with man so different and yet so similar to her. Even the knowledge of starting something that could endanger her relation with Corso didn't dampen the thrill. Things eventually got past the point of no return with the Revanites trap, when Theron got captured. As soon as she learned where to go, she rushed in with guns blazing to save the spy. Unnecessarily so, since he'd managed to free himself, and he did so in style. What a sight to behold it had been, the man heavily bruised yet so breathtakingly alive, a self-rescuing prince straight out of a holovid romance. In all her smuggling years she had never been so stunned by anyone's entrance; nor any gunfights had ever been so exciting in anyone else's company. This was a state of utter perfection. It was something meant to last shortly, but became yearned for and held in heart for years to come. Pure joy of that time kept on returning in her dreams often. The images were especially vivid when she'd been freshly out of carbonite, with nothing but a couple of heartbreaking letters as a memento of living a life. Nowadays though, there's no need to relive the memories anymore. Some things had changed, but the sun, the sea breeze, the man, it's all here - where she is, more than five years since the first visit. And, unlike with their first kiss, there's no taste of blood involved anymore, what makes things all the more desirable. It's no wonder sometimes she and Theron make themselves scarce, leaving Alliance matters to Lana and disappearing for a brief respite on Rishi. Their stays at an old pirate estate are not frequent, as there are always important tasks at hand. But even Lana understands the overworked and stressed people are no longer reliable. Every once in a while she lets Commander slip away with her spy boyfriend for a short vacation trip without a single word of complaint.
Soft footsteps on sand disturb Commander's reverie. A couple of weeks earlier she'd already be handling the blasters and diving for cover, ready to fight for dear life in no time. Old habits die hard, especially ones keeping her alive for so many years already. She's still a bit jumpy in this sanctuary of theirs. She still reaches for weapon at unexpected visuals or any noise; this particular sound she does recognize well though. Theron's presence takes a weight off her shoulders. Everything's fine, they're both safe. Together they can make it through anything. And even if they both made some pretty risky choices just to keep the other from harm, it left them stronger together, made them safer. Regrets can only make them weary and weak, human wrecks unsuitable for dealing neither with galactic-scale issues nor with personal matters.
Lazily, clumsily, Commander scrambles up from sand just to find herself in a fierce hug. As impossible as it seems, she snuggles up even closer. Theron smells of hot sun and blaster oil, of strength and risk - but also, of home and safety. She wouldn't want things any other way: he's her love, he's her life.
"The feeling's mutual, you know"
The rumble in Theron's chest she melds against means he's laughing. Shit, did she say some of those things aloud? Well, no harm done. It's the truth, he should hear it as often as possible - just as often as himself admits it.
"I know, you idiot spy, I know"
She knows, for sure. And whatever happens next, whatever's waiting back at Odessen, these feelings are not going to change. Ever.
A/N2: Completely couldn't understand the reasons for which I used to travel back to Rishi just to wander around the locations, possessed with the idea of getting a stronghold there. As usual, needed to see things in writing to finally solve the riddle. It took one late night/early morning chat with a guildmate - great gamer and wise woman - and in just a couple of lines it became clear what's been going on. Apparently, in the wacko brain of mine Theron Shan and Rishi, a man and a planet, are a bundled deal: can't enjoy one without obsessing about the other just as much. No idea how could I be so dense for so long... *shrugs and launches SWTOR to wander around her Rishi SH with Theron*