There's a lot going on at Kessan's Landing, and the job does take its toll (story set directly post 7.4 - Chains in the Dark)
A/N1: It's been quite exhausting, all the waiting for such tiny story chunks. So far, worth it. Enjoyed return to Ord Mantell a lot, and the initial shootout at Port Nowhere was so fun. Very short story update, but quite satisfying for a smuggler character. Would've been even more satisfying if writers would not forget the one native Mantellian already present in the storyline. Poor Corso.
Well, this was certainly messy. Unnecessarily so, but fanatics are fanatics - always equally blind to reasoning, bribing or threatening. They're all fanatics, Hidden Chain and Mantellian separatists alike. She has worked against groups of each already, she should've known it's going to be one way or the other only.
In a way, it makes things easier. Kill or get killed, no tricky diplomacy. It makes things faster, too. That's why Commander is back on Odessen long hours earlier than ever suspected.
It's not a runaway, not by any means. She'd never leave the place before seeing things to their end. The whole business at the island has been wrapped up. No thanks to the Republic, as some things never change and Republic just did what they do best: ignored people in need. So many years, and Ord Mantell outpost is still what it used to be before the Zakuul invasion; a forgotten ruin, with one good man standing but lacking people and resources to do a single thing. She did what she could to pursue the main goal while trying not to harm Republic's position more and still be of some help to the locals. A task near impossible but completed successfully. More or less.
It still doesn't feel right, sneaking through Odessen base corridors. There is a certain air of retreat to it.
It doesn't feel right, even if there is no actual retreat involved.
The woman reeks of smoke, blood and death, but emerged victorious. Which is pretty much the only difference between her and all the people shot today. She is alive - they are not. She was ready to give up life defending her beliefs - they did exactly that, threw away own lives fighting for ideals.
Has she become the exact thing she'd been fighting against? It's not like she's ever considered herself any better, no; just - different. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, isn't she but another killer on the loose, generously applying bloodshed in the name of some delusional idea of righteousness?
It's been a very uncomfortable conclusion.
She shouldn't give a womp-rat's ass. The results are what matters. Lives of innocent bystanders saved; local community strengthened; crowd with violent tendencies and apparent death wish thinned down. Does enjoying the thrill of action in all of this - does it make Commander a bloodthirsty monster?
What if it truly does?
What a brilliant idea. Like if she'd really need more issues to think about. And this is a particularly heavy one. She's truly gotten herself into a dark place with it, a place where nobody should follow. It'd be so unfair to shift the responsibility for own choices on anyone else. She needs to sort this out all on her own, not involving anyone else in personal madness, not even the most trusted of people. Commander needs to be the reliable self back, without using others as crutches when her mind is limping.
No return to Rishi then, not yet.
Coping with mental turmoil on top of the recent events is extremely draining. She's just so very tired, too tired to have any energy left to spare on proper social interactions. Besides, talking - any talking, with anyone - might make her crumble completely. For this one evening, no keeping brave face on, no courageous leadership on display. Just getting some bare necessities at personal quarters, and only things not bringing her into contact with other beings at all. Just the very basic stuff.
First, sonic shower.
It will definitely hurt less than water on that ugly burn. Commander winces and throws a curse under the breath as she peels off sleeve fabric molten into scorched skin. She mumbles another curse when shedding more clothing reveals fresh bruises in their entire glory.
Second, kolto patch.
Too little, too late; this will leave a scar. Doc Oggurobb's medical wizardry should only be used towards treating serious wounds though. Arm barely grazed by blaster bolt, hip bruised with hard fall to ground are nowhere near severity of vibroblade impaled chest, for example. That fate she did escape a couple of times today, just like she narrowly avoided being shred to pieces with a major explosion. Hopefully no cracked ribs, chest plate took the impact well. All in all, she seems to be still in one piece. The woman should cherish the fact, shouldn't she? Maybe she's too tired for that. Or, just too insane already.
Third, some sleep.
Couple hours worth of sleep, with some luck. With extreme luck - couple hours of sleep without harrowing dreams.
Either way, she needs to try and have some rest. Not just for the body; Commander does need rest from all these doubts that haunt her today. Somewhere later, tomorrow afternoon perhaps, she returns to Rishi home. That's where things always seem to be less daunting, less nagging; where it's easier to think, to breathe even. She can't taint the place with that much of insecurities though. Night on Odessen it is.
No extreme luck, it seems. As soon as her eyes close shut, she's being sucked into a cold vortex. There's no turning back, she's hauled into dark fog filled with scent of blood and smoke, where only echo of life exists.
Then, there are sounds in the darkness. The single wordless scream is soon joined by other voices, more articulated somehow but still beyond comprehension; male and female; people and droids; urging; protesting; angry; scary; scared even.
Then, a lifeline appears. Like a steady hand, something - or someone - pulls her back from the fog. The world no longer feels suffocating as it turns brighter and warmer. It makes sense again. And, it smells like home.
Eventually, her consciousness shifts and Commander wakes up, groaning. Stars, she's far from feeling refreshed. Whole of her body aches, battered and strained; wounded arm is throbbing, her throat is hoarse. No miracle has happened overnight, things are just as bad as they were - if not worse.
Although, looking around closely, things might actually be just a little bit better. As it turns out, there are people who clearly insist she should lean on them when battling inner demons, even if she'd prefer to hide the vulnerabilities instead. It makes staying isolated largely pointless. Time to face whatever's being thrown at her, regardless if she'd became a monster or not.
She should be surprised finding Theron at the cantina, discussing something quietly with Lana over breakfast. Spotting Commander shuffling towards the table, they stop the conversation and both nod towards third cover - which, apparently, is waiting for her. The woman slows and stares, taking in the sight.
Do monsters deserve so much of care and consideration? Do monsters deserve being held by hand on a scary night?
Maybe just this one does.
Theron defiantly stares back, seemingly unfazed. He can't help blushing though as she hands him over the jacket he had left by her bed sometime at night.
N/A2: So, there's that game, Stray Gods. It's very enjoyable, has good story and amazing music, absolutely my Game of the Year, zero issues here. It's just that listening to its soundtrack, Green Edition especially, while doing SWTOR gaming with Theron as companion - ouch.
Don't. Just don't.
Or, do it. Make the same mistake and suffer while your super-confused brain turns into a dizzy mush, as I have suffered.
You have been warned.
Not gonna lie though, it's been a very happy super-confused dizzy mush. Very, very happy. Terrifyingly so.
Even if I'd prefer an actual person holding my hand and really being here for the ride.