Pearl and Marina were doing their regular news show or some shit when suddenly Genghis Khan busted through the door.
"Oh fuck this shit, I'm outta here," said Marina, jumping through the glass window and running away with incredible speed.
"Huh? What? What the fuck is happening? Huh?" said Pearl, right before Genghis khan grabbed her by the neck and lifted her up. He was about to snap her neck when he was interrupted by a super cool and masculine and nice-sounding voice.
"Hold on just a second, Genghis bro. Let me handle this one."
It was Kaigar Ooondag, Genghis Khan's best friend and trusted commander. He had on his signature glasses, a short haircut that looked like it was from his mom, and a very slightly receding hairline (in an attractive and cool way). You could tell from the smirk on his face that he had slightly strange opinions.
Genghis Khan smiled and nodded, "ᠠ᠋᠂ ᠺᠠᠢᠷ᠃ ᠮᠢᠨᠤ ᠬᠠᠭᠤᠴᠢᠨ ᠨᠠᠶᠢᠵᠠ᠃"
Kaigar used his magical Turko-Mongol saber to lift Pearl telekinetically and carried her out of the building.
Later, Genghis, Kaigar, and poor Pearl arrive at the old abandoned poop factory.
In the corner of the room, a feeble little poop-eating boy screeched at the top of his lungs, "This fanfiction fucking sucks! Stop writing it, you dumb idiot!"
KABLAM!
That was the sound of Doctor Loser's head being blown off by Genghis Khan's Mongolian hand cannon.
"Heh, nice shot," said Kaigar Oondag as he did the Gangnam Style dance on top of Doctor Loser's headless corpse.
"Who the fuck is Doctor Loser?" asked Pearl as she hung upside down above a boiling hot cauldron of molten lava.
"Just some hater," Kaigar replied as he casually high-fived Genghis Khan.
Kaigar stepped up to the podium, where he got a perfect view of Pearl being lowered into the massive pot of boiling lava. He spoke with a loud, booming voice: "I've told Clark and his asshole wife three times now that they have to stop letting their dog shit on my lawn. This has been going on for the past nine days and I want it to stop. Doesn't help that the fuckers are always using that stupid expensive leaf blower at 7 in the morning every day either."
Through tears, Pearl voiced her support. "That Clark is a pain in the fucking ass. I agree, Kaigar."
Kaigar thanked her and lowered her into the pot. Her gurgly screams of terror were slowly drowned out by the loud hiss of her skin burning.
"ᠰᠠᠶᠢᠨ ᠪᠠᠶᠢᠨ ᠠ᠂ ᠠᠬ ᠠ ᠪᠠᠨ᠃" laughed Genghis Khan.
Kaigar turned to him and declared triumphantly, "Another fabulous cephalopod kill to my name."
"ᠨᠠᠳᠠ ᠳᠤ iPhone ᠥᠭᠭᠦᠭᠡᠴᠢ᠃" said Genghis Khan to Kaigar.
Kaigar understood immediately and handed the iPhone to Genghis.
Genghis quickly dialed a number and held it up to his ear," ᠰᠠᠶᠢᠨ ᠤᠤ? ᠡᠨᠡ Splatoon Weird Al ᠮᠥᠨ ᠦᠦ? ᠴᠠᠭ ᠨᠢ ᠪᠣᠯᠤᠯ ᠠ᠃"
"I'm so freaking ready!" yelled Splatoon Weird Al from the other end of the line, sprinting out of his cave home with his accordion in hand.
NEXT TIME: Genghis Khan, Kaigar Oondag, and Splatoon Weird Al track down and kill Marina.