~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
I feel like going unconscious is gonna be a trend for me..
Now where am I?
I look around in the dark, ah I must be in the void.
Touching things in the dark is gonna get me killed so nah.
Never know if there's a giant spike trap on the wall.
But there is something weird in the distance.
Are those.. Christmas lights?
Christmas lights don't move though, they definitely don't have two glowing red eyes either.
"Are you my new toy, mister?", the Christmas lights asked.
"Are you have you is you?", I ask with all the seriousness.
"No..", I couldn't see her face but I'm sure she just frowned.
"And with that I'll take my leave", I turn to leave.
But.. Why are there more Christmas lights all of a sudden?
I turn to the left, and there are just more Christmas lights.
Never thought I'd ever be surrounded by the jolly ranchers.
"Do you know the way?", I ask the jolly marauders.
"That way", they all point in the direction of each other.
I've been outplayed.
I start walking in a circle and follow their directions.
"Heheh, you're funny, mister.", They all creepily say in sync.
I stood next to one of the lights and could barely make out the shape of it's body.
Looks like an 8 year old girl from her height, her dress is a crimson shade fit for a European noble.
It might be a brighter crimson, we'll never know.
Unless someone decides to finally turn on the lights obviously.
"What are you doing, mister?", the little girl asks.
"The good things", I reply helpfully.
I'm just stacking these plastic cups on her head now, great use of my time in the void.
…
BOOM!
What now?
…
That's a one armed blue robot thing.
I think it wants its arm back.
I raise my middle finger to assert dominance.
He raises his middle finger too.
I raise my other middle finger.
I win.
"Sunovabeetch", the robot says with a text to speech sound.
The Jolly Ranchers all turn to look at the robot, prompting the robot to fly away with its.. Metal wings?
If a sentient robot runs away from these definitely-not-Christian Christmas lights, so will I.
I begin running out the hole he blew into the wall.
The hole is a bit higher up than the floor I am standing on.
It's gotta be here somewhere..
I take a step in the dark and.. Yep.
Stairs.
Don't go up or down stairs in the dark, kids. Unless you feel like making game references.
I vault over the hole it made, he must've blew up the door.
The manor owner isn't gonna like that.
I walk down the hall to the right for a while.
Giant double doors appear to my right.
Those are boss rooms, but I know better now.
I continue walking and the double doors end.
At the end of the hallway was the giant double door.
If this boss fight is inevitable, I'll have an excuse when I die.
I move to open them.. It's too heavy.
Stupid manor architects.
The door begins opening on its own.
Creak. The door opens to the very obvious boss room.
"Oh?"
The shadow person hiding in the dark calls out.
This room is huge, it looks like it'd take the second most space in this mansion.
Multiple columns connect to the ceiling.
And a whole lotta' red or crimson if you feel fancy.
"What business do you have in my abode?", the voice calls out with shocking charisma.
I feel like being an asshole.
"It all started when I was six years old..", I begin.
"No, no, no. No cringy outsider backstories please. Too many outsiders start with their backstory when facing me", she refuses my backstory.
"Aw"
"Don't 'aw' me, mortal. Now.. Prepare to die!", she readies a giant crimson spear.
I'm gonna take a guess that she named the spear Gungnir.
"You know the lighting in this place makes it hard to even see you, right?"
"That's exactly what I told those kappas! They think it's fine to ignore my wishes just because they have the protection of the Hakurei shrine maiden!"
The spear dissipates while she goes on a rant.
"That stupid Hakurei shrine.. She beat me once and now everyone thinks they can freely walk in and out of my mansion! I am Remilia Scarlet, the descendant of Count Vlad Ţepeş Dracul-"
I finally decide to speak the words.
"So.. what's your game plan?"
She pauses her ranting, "Oh right, you heard nothing."
Her eyes go a deep crimson..
I can't stop myself from looking right at them..
Woa-hoah I'm getting dizzy now..
…
What was I doing here again?
The shadow person in hiding furrows her brows, "I forgot I introduced myself mid rant.."
She lets out a groan as she continues.
"My name is Remilia Scarlet, The Scarlet Devil. And you.. Outsider. What's your name?"
The question is.. Should I be an asshole to this boss too.
"My name jeff"
Her eyes go into a deep crimson again, "Tell me the truth, outsider."
"My name is Mark Ivan-ergh."
!?
My mouth just moved on its own..
"So you really don't want to tell me your last name. How troublesome", she sighs.
"Who are you and what have you done to my cancer", I ask without asking.
"I'm not even gonna ask. Whatever, prepare to die huma-!"
Her large, beautiful wings spring out from her back making her look larger than she is
Crash!
A wall gives way and a new person floats in.
"No.", the red and white dressed shrine maiden said sternly.
A few talismans float out from her sleeves and stick to Remilia.
She floats back out the newly made hole.
Her people need her ya.
Remilia looks close to snapping.
"I don't wanna do this anymore.", she crouches down, hands on her knees and her grammar dropping down to the lowest levels.
I am out of here.
Walking into the outside of the wall I see my greatest enemy.
A wall.
Only way thing left to do.
Taking my metal arm out, I begin the meta strat.
Whiff! Whiff! Whiff!
Punching the wall until it opens.
Whiff! Whiff! Whiff!
This arm doesn't do as much damage.
Whiff! Whiff! Whiff!
Crash!
Huh, must be cheap material.
Clambering out of the debris I escape the mansion full of vampiric lolis.
We must begin the walking montage, this is gonna take a few words.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Damn scene breaks.
Whack!
"Fack"
A boxing glove connected by a spring bonks me on the head.
I feel a sticky note on my back.
I struggle to reach it because it's on my back.
It reads, "The walls have feelings too y'know?" And a picture with four walls, a circle on the fourth. Signed by Y. Y.
Too bad I don't know shit about touhou.
If that mafaka obsessed with touhou were here I'd get the reference.
While time skipped, I arrived at this weird temple thing.
Maybe there's a golden artifact I can steal and an evil demon monkey to run away from.
My greatest enemy, excluding walls.
Stairs.
These stairs don't look fun to walk
I remember doing this thing in a game once.
Taking out the metal arm, I punch at the ground..
I get air time.
Frikin aimblox meta strat.
I continue doing this until I reach the top of the stairs, legs feeling broken.
Not any broken as they usually are.
Now that I'm up here, I see a green haired.. Dog girl?
I'm gonna not be an asshole for now.
Approaching the girl while she sweeps an already clean lawn, I appear.
"I have come in search of challengers worthy of my pro MLG Gamer God skills!", I reply cheerfully.
"...", she just stares at me.
"I may know just the person for you."
Oh? Did she misunderstand my gamr language?
She runs into the temple, leaving me to my whims.
I look to the left and see a pile of leaves.
Asshole senses are tingling.
I walk over to the pile of leaves and spread them around.
Quick, I must flee to my original spot.
The dog girl returns with a white haired girl with a bob cut about as tall as I am.
She also has two swords.
Lucky.
"I heard you wanted to challenge someone?", she asks.
This might be the time to get a new weapon.
"I need a blade first"
"What kind, I shall have it made"
No way, free sword.
"I prefer using a two-handed longsword with 84 inches of steel. It has a double edged, straight bladed.. Blade with a two-handed cruciform."
"..."
She had nothing to say to my weirdly accurate description of a Zweihänder.
She turned to the dog girl, "Kyouko, did you get all that? Good, get Shou to make it. I'll pay for it."
I'm surprised she'd actually make a sword for me.
"Why are you actually getting me a sword?", I ask with genuine confusion.
A grin appears on her face, "I know a fellow swordsman when I see one"
Hopefully she doesn't find out I just watched a bunch of youtube tutorials on German swordsmanship.
"Also you get to keep the sword if you actually do a good job." she adds.
Yay, free sword.
…
…
I just remembered, blacksmiths take a long time to make a sword…
"Where are my manners? I am Youmu Konpaku of the Konpaku clan"
There are clans here it seems.
To the peanut in my brain that insulted me for stating the obvious, fack u.
"I am Mark, the Reasonable Hobo." I reply with cheer.
Something big being dragged toward Youmu can be heard..
It's that mouse girl from yesterday.
"Hey, it's you!.", she remembers me too.
"Ughh, If you had just given me the arm, so much cleaning could have been avoided.", she exclaims.
"It's attached to my arm, I can't just rip it off."
"Then find another arm", she said plainly.
"No fack u."
"..."
"Youmu, make sure to beat him up good."
"Will do", Youmu nodded to Minnie Mouse.
The rat talks once more before leaving, "Also here's your sword it's kind of heavy and has a weird design. Is it from another country?"
"Germany.", I reply with the actual truth.
"Three wheels that you lose.", she begins heading back to the temple.
Sweet sword.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
My stance is now facing Youmu with her own unique stance.
Truth be told this is my first time using German swordsmanship in a real fight, but it will probably go well.
Who is gonna strike first..
…
She isn't moving. She's giving the first hit to me.
Well I won't disappoint!
I dash in holding the longsword to my left preparing a diagonal chopping stroke.
Whoosh!
The wind whips past while the chunk of metal strikes down onto the opposing swordsman.
Cling!
The swords clash making sparks.
"Hoh, this is a new fighting style. I like it, show me more!", a grin appears on Youmu's face.
An even bigger grin is on mine.
I backpedal a few steps and prepare to counter whatever strike Youmu would do.
Youmu runs in with insane speeds, her blade on her left facing upward.
She's planning to do a diagonal slash.
I sidestep diagonally, relying on instincts and memories of those youtube tutorials.
Bringing my sword over me, a vertical slash to intercept her's.
Cling!
She gets staggered from the sheet weight of a vertical cut.
This is a chance for me to land another hit on her!
Using the momentum from the sword clash, I execute a horizontal slash right where she's at.
Whoosh!
That was the sound of me missing as she was already in the air, her sword sheathed.
Shing!Shing!Shing!
She cut the air? No, it's an air slash.
Multiple sharp gusts of wind home in on me.
The sword is too heavy to just run with so I'm gonna have to do the next best thing.
Clink! Shunk! Clink!
Ah shit, I hate it when air stabs me. My metal arm is still fair game for projectiles though.
The air slashes didn't dissipate though, they came back at her with twice the velocity!
Holy shit, I can parry projectiles and send them back.
"What the!?",Youmu sees the air slashes coming back at her.
Cling! Cling!
She makes them become normal air after deflecting them.
Now that she's back on the ground, she runs at me again.
Her blade raised above her for a vertical slash.
I've seen a video about this one.
Cling!
Her vertical slash meets my diagonal one, but there was a key difference in our clash.
My slash missed, and her slash cut my shoulder.
Oh shit blood, AHhhH fuck.
"FUck", I cuss; unable to take the pain again
While shoulder leaked blood, Youmu stuck her sword in my hilt and yoinked out my sword.
She saw my grip loosening and took the chance.
Her sword meets my neck while I'm on my knees.
"It's my victory.", her grin replaced by a smile.
"Hey, can you send another air slash at me?"The pain is coming closer and my adrenaline is running out. Must parry attack for full heal!
"You don't look so good, are you sure?"
"Yea, yea, just do it!"
She sheathed her sword and I prepared to parry it with my arm.
Whiff!
Oh god damni-
Shunk!
Blacking out again.. Real sleep is for noobs.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania YOUMU KONPAKU'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
"Whoops."
I should probably get a healer.. Or two.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
END OF CHAPTER 3
MC: Mark, the generic introvert, the reasonable hobo
PRIMARY WEAPON:
Zweihänder:
a double handed german blade, 84 inches long, 8.8 lbs.
SECONDARY WEAPON:
The Feedbacker:
a blue metal arm that has a tendency to make people trip on it, deals 1 damage with punches, deals 5 damage with parries. Parries fully heal. 33% parry chance, may raise depending on usage. Parries deflect most projectiles with +4 damage.
INVENTORY:
Tanto: Small one sided dagger, slightly dull from overuse
SKILLS:
Stick Type Weapon Proficiency: Capable of using stick type weapons to their full potential
Phony Swordsman : watches a lot of swordsmanship videos on youtube, convinced himself he knew how to swing a sword. Slight sword proficiency.
Bacon Connoisseur : Likes bacon, heals to full upon eating bacon. Eating bacon increase stick type weapon damage by 2.5x
PARTY
Mark, forever alone
~~o~~
AUTHOR'S NOTE
It's another chapter, idk what else to say
He had a cool gun, not anymore tho
Will his sword get taken too?
Find out in the next episode of 2hu frikmania, the official name