5. You Must 2hu Like I Have
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"And that's how I beat the final boss in Elden Ring…"
…
"You didn't even explain anything, you just said two sentences.", Ungrateful bird girl replies.
"Most words you'll get out of me.", I turn to walk down this conveniently placed path.
Whoosh!
Now down the path, I turn around and the girl is gone.
Anyway, back to the path.
Further down the path, there's a small building.
It might be a shop. I say that because there's a little bell above the door.
If it's not a shop, it's a defense mechanism.
Ring,ring!
The bell jingles as I open the door and step in.
There's a white haired dude behind the counter, mid 20's maybe.
His hair is just the color white, not losing the color in his hair because he's old white.
He's reading a book currently. Must be a good shop.
There's another person here.
A blonde short haired girl with a small ponytail.
She also had sharp ears, like an elf. Definitely not an elf if she looks like that.
She's wearing that triple layered dress, only the fanciest nerds wear.
Free samples of different colored plastic bottles are in front of the cashier.
Each color refers to the fruit on the label.
The blonde girl picks up the strawberry bottle, opens the cap and drinks it.
She spits the strawberry liquid out cartoon style.
Wiping her mouth with her dress she expresses her dissatisfaction, "This isn't strawberries. It doesn't taste like fruit at all. It tastes like soap."
The guy behind the counter just stares at her in vain.
I back up a little and see why.
Above the free samples is a sign.
Shampoo.
…
Looking around the shop, I see a familiar rope.
But I can't be too sure.
I pick it up and bring it to the counter.
"How much for this rope…", I asked the clerk.
"Free, I got it from a man that was tied upside down to a tree. I don't see how that rope could sell anyway.", he responds.
Sweet, free loot.
Time to disappear.
Ding! Ding!
The sound of the bell changed, it must be magic.
This rope is actually pretty heavy. Maybe I can just..
…
The rope is now under my left shoulder and over my right.
Not having a hammerspace bag is hard.
rustle,rustle,
The bushes are moving again.
VIETCO- oh wait no, it's just a wolfman.
I was looking for someone to use the rope on.
"Well, well, well… What have we here? A tasty human, huh?", generic wolfman exclaims quietly.
Let's hope this works.
I take out the rope and hold it with my metal arm.
'Rope pull'
My hand throws the rope accurately on the wolfman.
The rope dug into his skin as it pulled him towards me.
As if on gamer instinct, I take the tanto out of my pocket and stab him in the eye.
"AH! What the fuck!? My eye!", the wolfman cried out.
Must extend combo.
Pocketing my tanto, I take out the metal arm and begin the 100-0 combo.
Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff!
These punches do the most miniscule amount of damage.
Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Whiff! Ding!
Finally after hitting where his kidney should be a few times, the wolfman passed out.
Kidney punches hurt.
I see a ball of light in the distance.
That wasn't there before.
Oh SHI-
DING!
The ball of light shot at me. At the speed of light.
Hah.
Funny joke.
What a bullshit level up system.
I'm just gonna keep walking.
Even further down the path, I see big walls.
My greatest enemy.
At the end of the path is a gate with one guard sleeping on the job.
He's sleeping on the lever to open the gate…
Yea I'm gonna have to wake him up.
Taking a rock from the ground, I throw it at his big helmet.
Dink!
His helmet falls to the ground, and he falls to the ground as well, still asleep somehow.
That's one way of getting past the guard.
Coming up to the gate, I pull the lever.
The metal gate is raised up.
Inside this village, there are a lot of shitty one story houses.
The roads are nothing but dirt and mud.
Villagers at least have proper clothing.
Proper enough anyway.
Walking down the streets, I come across another boring house
I knock on the door.
Small footsteps approach the door.
A small girl with brown haired pig tails wearing red checkered sleeves and a green frilly dress with a yellow apron on top opens the door.
It's a library of some sort.
Different types of books everywhere.
"Wh-What do you want?", she spoke softly.
Hmm.. I need more skills to extend my combo.
What would be a good skill to have?
"Do you have any books for.. Magic?", I asked the librarian.
"Who's asking?", her tone suddenly got serious.
"Me."
"Are you gonna hurt people with it?"
"Only if they attack first."
"Okay, let's find a spell for you."
That was fast.
"I've got something for you!"
Maybe she really does.
She browses through the shelves and presents an old leathery book
"Aurgelmir paraphernalia! This one is an easy one, here."
I almost forgot.
Moon runes isn't a language I can understand.
"Friend, I can't understand this language."
I handed it back to her.
"Oh right. Uhm.. It says here, "to visualize an individual piece of sand, then multiply it as many times as you need", she responds with actually helpful information.
That helps because I totally know how to do magic now.
I hold my hand out, cupping it.
Imagining a grain of sand, then multiple grains.
My hand feels sandy, this is because it is.
"Oh? You did it on your first try! I'm not sure why you need a spell to create sand, but I hope you use it well.", she replies with a satisfied look on her face.
Creating sand must take like a negative amount of mana to do.
I have a great idea for magic meta strats.
==== 2hu Frikmania ====
I have learned all of the ancient street magic.
Whenever I'm getting attacked, I can cast Pocket Sand!
Annoys everyone it hits.
I'm down the street now, inside this weird bar.
I passed a random dude before going inside, he felt familiar but I just ignored it,
A whole bunch of people here, they all have at least one weapon on them.
If this isn't a place for killing youkai, I don't know what is.
Walking to the counter, there's a guy there.
I hope he doesn't have a Megalithic super weapon to blast me away.
"Can I help you?"
"Yes."
…
"How do I get a job?"
"Oh, right. You'll need a youkai exterminator badge first…"
He sounds tired.
"Here, take it. You probably know how to fight if you dress up in the most noticeable colors."
I accept his friend request, pocketing the weird badge.
Hope these jobs pay well.
Going back to the job board in front of the place, I tried to ignore the stupidly written jobs.
Moon runes..
Lost in translation I say.
"Hey mister."
I turn and see a short, orange haired fairy maid.
"Do you want to have sex?", questionable questions from the questionable girl.
"No thank you.", I decline with the favorable words.
"Aw, I promise it'll feel good."
A nostalgic voice cuts in.
"He's already got a girlfriend at home. Isn't that right, Mark?"
What the flip is John doing here. He's just standing at the doorway.
"What the flip are you doing here? And she's still just a friend.", I express my thoughts on the matter.
Then again I'm here too.
I wonder if 'that guy' is also here.
"That's what they all say."
Snarky bastords.
"Uhm, excuse me. I'm still up for that free fuck.", the fairy maid looks at me with a smile.
"No, go away. Shoo, Shoo", I shoo her away.
"Nevermind, that's enough asking for permission, c'mere" she inches towards me.
John looks at the exchange with the most smug face he could conjure.
Shing!
Pi~chun! A katana now where her neck should've been.
"Seriously, this place is full of youkai exterminators… AND NONE OF YOU DECIDE TO KILL A SINGULAR FAIRY!"Her voice boomed and everyone went silent.
"You know what.. Nevermind. I'm tired. Fred! Did you get the new cake yet?", she walks up the stairs and becomes one with the unknown.
The place becomes rowdy again after she enters her room.
"So, what are you doing here?"John asked.
"Grinding levels to get max level"
"No shit?"
"All the shit, I'm not sure there is a leveling system."
"I'm gonna grind like there's no tomorrow if there is."
"You always do that man."
We exchange not so witty banter.
"You know if 'that guy' also came here?", the friend asked.
"Hell if I know. I did find a secret item while running for my life."
I present my metal arm.
"Say hello metal arm."
The metal arm doesn't respond. No feedback, that sucks.
"I shall name it Feedbacker based on how much feedback it doesn't give."
"You are a crazy man."
"Crazy? I was crazy once-"
He stares at me like that one David Martinez face.
"So, did you also get any overpowered items?"
"Oh, boy you wouldn't believe what happened."
"Wait, don't say anything."
"Why?"
"I'm waiting for the scene break."
"What scene break?"
This one
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : 1 day and a half ago JOHN'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
'Hot..'
'Why is it so hot?'
The man gets up from his flaming bed of rocks.
'Where the hell am I? I just went to the bathroom after my hand got burned by the barbeque and now I'm in hell.'
Around him were houses, japanese styled. But he didn't know that.
'Weird houses they have in hell.'
The sounds of bellowing laughter and burping interrupted his train of thought.
'The demons sound like they are having a fun time'
He walks further into the town, a bridge a distance away in front of him and a castle a longer way behind him.
"Hey! You there! Human!"
John's instincts told him to run, but he shook it off and turned around.
A large blonde woman with a red horn in her forehead carrying.. A man over her shoulder called out to him.
"If you're a human and you're down here, you must be strong enough to survive right? Here take this guy, he's pretty feisty."
She puts the guy down on the floor.
"Oh yea, my name is Yuugi by the way. I take it you know how to fight?"
"Yes, I know every combo with every fruit and gun in the game.", John replied sarcastically.
"I understand fighting with a gun, but a fruit? Nevermind, I'll just see it in action. He's about to wake up."
The man she was carrying looked strangely familiar to a certain boss.
He had flowers and leaves around his head with an open green shirt and brown pants.
'Is that a boss from blox fruits?' John questioned the man's identity.
'How the fu-heck is he in the real..er.. This world?'
He censors himself monologue as he is confused on the waking boss.
"Wha.. Where am I? Am I finally dead? Is my suffering over?"
"Nope, welcome to Old Hell.", Yuugi takes a sip from her cup thingy.
'Oh so we are literally in hell, I was just guessing.'
"Why must I suffer more? I get killed every day, stuck in the same position repeating the same thing every day. I kill and kill but they just keep coming back. World ending powers are tested on me, and I can do nothing but swing my sword. Why must I suffer any more than this.. WHY!"
'So that's how the npc's feel every day. I almost feel bad for grinding them now.', John lied to himself.
The man looks at John.
"You… you were one of them. I remember all of your faces. You killed me over and over without even thinking too much about it. It's time I take revenge"
He brandishes his longsword.
'Alright, so let's see how fu-screwed I am. I'm gonna take a guess and say my level didn't carry over from the game so we have a 749 level gap.'
"Yea! That's what I'm talking about, this is gonna be fun to watch."
Yuugi takes another sip of her drink.
The man power walks to John.
'If I remember correctly, he has an instant teleport aoe and another aoe attack. Let's do some experimenting'
A fire lights up in John's eyes as he remembers this nostalgic feeling.
"HRAHH!"
The man appears where John should have been.
'Your patterns are the same as they always have.'
John runs in front of a house and preemptively dashes to trick his targeting system.
"TAKE THIS!"
Crash!
The man crashes into the house and opens a hole in the wall, sending the bricks flying in the air.
"What? Where!"
Bonk!
One of the brick's land on the man and he takes visible damage.
'So the terrain can hurt him now'
John thinks of a strategy to beat him as the adrenaline pumps through his veins.
He runs straight to the bridge, Yuugi follows him to see his strategy.
He saw a giant red rock underneath a hole in the ceiling.
John puts his hand on the rock and he gets slight burns and an idea.
"COME BACK HERE!"
The man power walks toward him even faster.
He raises his sword and teleports to John's previous position.
The red rock almost looked back at the man with how close he got.
John dashes back behind him and kicks him in the back, throwing him off balance.
'Checkmate'
The man automatically activates his aoe slash attack as he expected.
The giant rock gets cut into smaller pieces as the man falls down. He reaches the floor and John tosses a rock at him to get kill credit.
"AHHHHHHHH!", the man screams as he burns to death at an alarming rate.
"Good game, Diamond."
Item Drop:
Longsword
'Not the best drop, but a weapon's a weapon'
"That was.. A unique fight I guess. I was right about you being strong enough to be here HAHAHA!"Yuugi's voice echoed throughout the place.
"Being here is nice, but where's the exit? It's getting kinda hot.", he expressed his complaints by breathing out.
"Aw, you don't want to stay for a while? We got booze and half chicks."Yuugi counters.
"What's a half chick?", he curiously asked.
"Barely a chick, they'd probably burn your dick off if you tried anything."
"Alright, where's the exit?"he turned in a random direction.
"Wait, give it a second."
WHOOSH!
Crank.. Yuugi grabbed something flying through the air at insane speeds.
"Hey, Orin. Mind giving this guy a ride back out?"
"He-Hey! There's a whole lot of bodies at the human village right now. I'll miss it if that guy slows me down."
"You can just take him with you to the village, he doesn't like it here."
Yuugi takes another long sip from her drink.
Orin furrows her brows, "Ugh, fine. Get on kid."
'Rude much? I'm not a kid anymore. I just can't forget the things I've learned in game.'
John jumps in the cart and lands on the floor because it moved a little.
"Can't you just hold it still?", John asked.
"I'm trying.", her legs quivering as she tries to stop it from going in a running position.
'Oomf'
The cart didn't smell like corpses apparently. Probably magic, John wouldn't question it.
"Why does it not smell like rotting corpses?", he asks anyway.
"Because I wash it regularly. We're not neanderthals."
Break!
Yuugi tries to sit on a bench much smaller than herself.
"Not all of us anyway.."
"Hey! I heard that!"
"Uh oh, gotta go fast!"
Whoosh!
The rocks on the wall got slightly darker and less glowy the closer they got to the exit.
Until the red glow disappeared completely.
He could see the light from the outside glowing bright.
Whoosh!
Orin planted her feet on the ground again right before they reached the outside giving them air-time.
John was mesmerized.
Lost for words, he just looked into the many glowing trees.
The trees were definitely not artificially glowing.
This made him wonder where he truly got sent.
Plip.
The cart falls down to the floor like a feather.
They are now at the village gates.
No soldiers are found guarding it though.
'Must not get paid enough."
"Eh, at least I don't gotta knock them out today."
Orin moves up to the level and kicks it.
The gate reels upwards.
"Keep all hands and feet inside the cart, sharp turns won't be good for your stomach"
Whoosh!
Orin makes very sharp turns around the village.
'So hell has better villages than the humans. Ironic'
The place looked ransacked.
Digging her heels in the ground, she abruptly stops the cart.
John get's moved to the other side of the cart.
The smell of blood was strong where they stopped.
They stopped at a weird looking two story building.
There was a window where no room could ever possibly reach.
'Shitty architects too'
"Alright this is your stop, unless you wanna see some mangled corpses", Orin replied smugly.
"I think I'm good.", John gets out of the cart and walks in a random direction.
Picking a random direction to go in, he starts walking.
'The smell of blood is gone now. Where should I go next'
Remembering his item drop, he imagines holding it in his hand.
Shink!
The longsword appeared in his hand again.
Doing what any bored max level would do with their swords, he equips and unequips the longsword really fast.
Shink! Shink! Shink!
The sword may have made a slashing sound but he never cut with his sword.
Some generic villagers pass by the weirdly dressed outsider.
"What a weirdo."
"You need me to remind you that your name is Fodder?"
'This place is weird'
He opens the door to a random house in the village.
'They won't mind;
A giant glowing purple cocoon rested upside down in it.
Closing the door with absolute silence, he walked away from the cursed house.
Creak..
The door opens on its own but John had already run as fast as his tired legs could down the street.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
John starts assessing his situation.
'So I've been teleported to God knows where. Just killed the boss about 749 levels above me and didn't level up. Got the loot drop and am now being jumped by three random wolfmen'
"Well, well, well… What have we here? A tasty human, huh?", the one on the left started.
"No, dumbass. You're supposed to say 'Well, well, well.' Then Jeff says 'What have we here?' and I finish it off! You guys never listen to my ideas."
"We always have the same ideas, jackass."
The wolfmen argue while John takes out his good weapon.
Shink!
John starts the fight.
His longsword made his body move in a way that his slashes were perfectly aimed.
He had never swung a sword in real life, but the sword made him feel as if he had been swinging swords for years.
Shink! Shink! Shink!
In one swift motion, he cut off the three heads in an instant.
[Longsword] Mastery level up (1)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (2)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (3)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (4)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (5)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (6)
[Longsword] Mastery level up (7)
'So it does have the same mastery leveling as that one game'
It was getting late and he had no idea if the night was as cold as he thought.
John then had a great idea.
Shink! Using the sword as a leverage by stabbing it into a wall, he jumps on it and lands on a roof.
Shink!
He equips the sword back and unequips it.
Looking around on the roof, he sees a cardboard box with a bit of cloth inside.
'Beggars can't be choosers. We all start somewhere.'
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
John wakes up with slight back pain from sleeping in such a weird position.
'I need to find my menu to put in my stats fast.'
He could worry about other things later. Right now, he was hungry.
Jumping down from a roof, he sees a lady getting mugged.
"Pl-please let me go! I don't have anything on me!", the lady begged.
The two men harassing her answered back, "Oh, I know you've got something on you. It ain't money I'm telling you that, hahahaha!"
"You know exactly what we want!"
The lady shields her face and closes her eyes.
'Scum'
Shink! Shink!
In a motion so swift that he left behind a white blur, he cut off their heads and threw it away from sight before the lady could open her eyes.
…
"Wh-what? Where did they go?"
"They are gone now, stay safe today."
John starts walking away, ashamed he had to kill real people.
He didn't feel anything after killing them.
They were scum, they wanted to rape an innocent woman.
They DESERVED it.
"Wait!", the girl ran up to him.
"Please, take this for your troubles.", she hands him some unknown currency John had never seen.
"I know it's not much, but it can still get you a good meal. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me!", she bows down.
Some onlookers saw her bowing at John.
"Woah, raise your head. I don't need people getting the wrong idea."
"Hehe, sorry. There's a good restaurant just down the road. It's next to the building with a job board."
"I'll be going now. Again, thank you so much!", generic village girl leaves.
'A good restaurant huh? Might as well.'
John walks to the building with a job board.
'Jobs can come later, food first.'
But he gets too excited about the concept of doing kill quests now that he has a weapon.
He enters the building with a job board "accidentally."
The people bustling about inside don't even pay him mind.
They were about as weird as he was so he fit right in.
John suddenly felt annoyed for no reason.
"Here.", the man behind the counter tosses a badge at him before John could even ask him a question.
"It's a youkai exterminator badge, was it not what you were about to ask for?"
'He must be pretty tired of his job'
"How'd you know?"
"You dress weird and probably have a weapon or two on ya. I'd know if you wanted to be an exterminator. Here, write down your name" he hands John a clipboard.
'Let's see who is on here.'
Some generic no names were on the board but a few caught his eye.
'Fred, Albus, Meira, and.. Brad. Names definitely don't sound like they are from here, except for that third one'
He gives the clipboard back to the guy behind the counter.
"John, huh? Let's hope you last as long as the other dude named Jon", he chuckled to himself.
Brushing his comment off, he goes outside and walks past a dude in colorful clothing.
'He wasn't joking about the people wanting to be youkai exterminators'
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Did he really think I could see his flashback?
I give him a good whack to get him out of the flashback
"Dumbass, you're the only one in the flashback"
"Whatever, basically I got one of the most mediocre swords in that one game. But it's kinda overpowered since its from the next world"
"Lucky. All I got was another arm."
"So you got penis enlargement pills as your overpowered weapon?"
…
"Ask your mom."
"Fuck you."
"No it's just a metal arm, here. Try to hit me."
"Bet."
Shink!
Holy shat he can equip it just like me.
That shink sound effect every time he equips it is gonna get old fast.
Whoosh!
The sword travels right to me with a lunge.
Clink!
My parry just canceled the lunge? What can this thing not do?
Oh yea, deal damage.
"What was that?"
"A parry. It fully heals me too."
"Wanna trade weapons."
"No"
The guy behind the counter says, "If you're just gonna talk about random shit instead of doing jobs, go elsewhere."
I hold up two middle fingers in his direction.
He holds his two middle fingers in my direction.
John goes behind me and puts his 2 middle fingers next to mine.
"Four beats two, fuck you."
"Bitch."
Time to get to work.
Grumble…
"Damn, that was a loud ass noise. How long have you not eaten?"John asks.
"A long time, I'm just gonna ignore it though."
"Nah don't worry, I got money"
"Did you steal from someone?"
"I stole it from this generic village girl I saved from being raped." he says with straight face.
He's probably joking.
Probably.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
END OF CHAPTER 5
MC: Mark, Not alone anymore, The reasonable Hobo
PRIMARY WEAPON:
The Feedbacker: Does not give feedback. a blue metal arm that has a tendency to make people trip on it, deals 1 damage with punches, deals 5 damage with parries. Parries full heal. 33% parry chance, may raise depending on usage. Parries deflect most projectiles with +4 damage. Parrying the first hit in a combo will cancel the whole combo.
INVENTORY:
Tanto: one sided dagger, dull from overuse.
Youkai Exterminator Badge: Proof of being a youkai exterminator, free pass to and from the gates.
SKILLS:
Gamer Instinct: Years of gaming made his body instinctively want to extend combos
Excellent Observation Skills: this means he points out the obvious too many times. Slightly longer range for ranged weapons.
Stick Type Weapon Proficiency: Capable of using stick type weapons to their full potential
Phony Swordsman : watches a lot of swordsmanship videos on youtube, convinced himself he knew how to swing a sword. Slight sword proficiency.
Bacon Connoisseur : Likes bacon, heals to full upon eating bacon. Eating bacon increase stick type weapon damage by 2.5x
German Swordsmanship Proficiency: would be useful.. If he had a German sword
Nuclear Warhead Blueprint Memorization : Can memorize the blueprints of nuclear warheads, he hasn't seen a single warhead in his life
Endured Legs: Years of walking long distances from his house to his school made his legs slightly stronger
SPECIAL TRAIT: high tolerance to bullshit
PARTY:
John, the bro
Primary weapon:
Longsword [7 mastery]
Annihilate: [100 mastery]
Glorious Smash: [ 200 mastery]
Inventory:
500 yen
Skills:
Beginner Swordsman: Slightly higher damage with swords, knowledge etiquette of basic swordsman etiquette
Questionable Justice: Something's goin on in his head
Gamer Instinct V: years of gaming led to much faster reaction time and preemptive movements
~~o~~
AUTHOR'S NOTE
The other friend has joined the game
He has as much gaming experience as me so he'd make a good person to put.
Will I add myself to the fic?
Not likely.
I might accidentally make myself op so i wont try it.
Some risks u dont take.
Enjoy the long chapter.