Third Side of the Coin
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Hey! Get back here!"
"We're not done with you yet!"
"I'm gonna kill you! And then rape you!"
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
We angered a whole mob of angry wolfmen while running in circles, somehow running in circles sent us back to the village.
"Gate! There!" I yell so Moriander can hear me over the yelling.
Stupid guard, "Open the gate!." I scream and flash my badge.
"Hu-..wah!?" The guard scrambles to get up from sleeping on the ground and pulls on the lever.
Creak…
This goddamn gate, I swear.
Creak…
And it's up!
"Moriander, let's go!"
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Turns out some of the guards thought we were youkai too.
We ran through this hole in the wall and we landed back outside the village.
"Wasn't the whole point of going here to be inside the village?"
She's right but she's also wrong.
"I smell secrets. Don't interrupt the grillmaster."
"We don't even have a grill..?" Moriander raises an eyebrow in confusion.
I see it. The secrets.
The big secret, a random little hut in the middle of nowhere.
If there is no secret I will unleash the 10 tons of TNT I put under the ground.
Creak…
"What an old house." Morimorimoriander says.
This house is cool and all, but the elephant in the room is that weird glowing portal.
"We should jump in that totally unsuspecting portal" I recommend to her.
Mori shrugs her arms.
"On 3.. 1,2-"
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"This was a bad idea" Moriander assesses our bad situation.
Caution. Do not go into a portal to the mansion of a vampire with a person simultaneously.
Or else the two people will turn into one.
"At least only one of us has to run now."
"We have three legs, who has the third one?-"
Bonk.
Something landed on Moriander's head.
"Hey, our pain receptors are different. Also, look, it's a genie's teapot thing."
I pick it up with my hand and stroke it passionately.
"You're weird," Moriander says.
Whooooshh!
A genie comes out, but he's not huge.
He's a generic blue genie but person sized.
"Alright you have six wishes-wait… six?"
I see a pattern.
"Yea, we're conjoined twins so the math adds up" I answer with a serious face.
"Alright then, uh what's your first wish?"
"I wish we were two separate people" Moriander separates us sadly.
The genie snaps his finger, "Wish granted."
"Finally. Being conjoined twins sucked."
"We were never conjoined twins, Mark." Moriander looks done.
"You now have two and a half wishes each."
Confusion, "Wait, what can I do with half a wish?"
"Uh, I'm actually not sure. Let me check the manual."
He takes out a yellow notebook and reads a page.
"Alright so for half wishes, half of the wish comes true so if you wish for a million dollars you'll get 500,000."
"So why wouldn't I just wish for $2 million and then get a million?" Moriander cuts in.
The genie looks down at his notebook and flips a page.
…
"Can you do me a favor? Can you wish for the Genie manual to be updated?"
"I wish for the Genie manual to be updated."
He looks back down at his manual.
"Shit, it only updated half the manual."
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Hunger games.. I wanna win, I win it all.. I wanna win all day." I sing the song.
"I'm not teaming, I'm not teaming.. You shoulda learned how to play."
"You should've seen my last hunger games."
"Have you finally gone mad after not eating for a few hours?" Moriander asks.
She thinks the song is about eating.
"Clearly you don't have an air fryer." I put on the smug look.
"What in the world would you do with a machine that fries air?" That would be a microwave, uncouth boomer.
And so we go around the first corner of this stupid maze of a mansion.
Great, a group of people.
Hopefully they aren't the Kill-On-Sight type of people.
Fairy people oh no.
"Komi-chan, I don't understand why we shouldn't just raid the human village like last time!"
It's that orange haired fairy maid I met over at the village.
"No. I have had enough of trying to go to the village." Komi shoves the orange haired girl out of her face. "Something stupid is gonna somehow stop every plan we make."
What fun people. I look over at Moriander and she's just staring with her hands on her hips.
"Koi, what's up with you? You've never wanted to go to the village this much before." Blue haired fairy girl asks Koi.
I'm just gonna try to walk past them.. Just a few more steps and I'll be out of here-
"Hey. Where do you think you're going?" Komi the black haired girl calls out to me.
"Home." Just gonna take my arm out just in case.
"You wouldn't be the first." Komi holds her hands up and black orbs start approaching me.. Only for them to miss since I haven't moved from my original spot.
"...You're supposed to dodge them." She looks tired.
"If you let me go, I won't have to whump you." I show off my cool robot arm and intimidate them.
"We've seen worse." Koi holds her hands out.
Fwo-fwoom. A large orange orb forms and it looks like it's heading straight for me.
It's pretty slow so I'm just gonna.. Clink!
Koi's face turns shocked as I show off epic parrying ability.
"Does every outsider just have a parrying ability?" It seems I'm not the first.
"Yes, it's the unspoken rule." I wave my hand around to intimidate.
"You know what… Go fuck yourself.." Komi flips me off and she leaves.
"Hey! Wait up Komi-chan!" Koi runs after her while Namori walks slowly.
Parrying is an op ability. Take that self monologue, right between the eyes.
Wait, I just got an idea to get revenge on this stupid mansion.
"Moriander, can you put down some gasoline on the floor?" She seems to snap out of her thinking when I call her out.
"Sure, why not." Taking the container out, she starts dousing the floor near the doors of this hallway.
Now what could I use as a lighter..
I look around the area and find a whole lot of nothing. Just the usual things you'd have in the average vampire mansion.
Usually there'd be a few candles in mansions. Maybe they found out that it was a safety hazard.
"So… What do you plan on doing with the doused floor?" Moriander stops dowsing gasoline and puts away the container.
"The great plan is… Wait til someone lights it up somehow. Also you got some gasoline on yourself." I point my finger at her skirt.
She looks down at the stain with disdain!, "Darn, this was a custom made one too. Does this manor have a laundromat?"
"Ask that dude over there." I point my finger to a fairy maid to the right of the hallway.
Moriander has an inquisitive look on her face but goes to the fairy anyway.
She taps her shoulder, "Excuse me, might you know where we can wash our clothes."
Maybe she really does know where a laundromat might be.
Click. Fairy maid unbuckled her belt and flashes us.
Uh oh, Moriander looks disappointed. She's pullin out the 9.
Ka-Ting! Pi-chun!
Rest in fairy dust, Panty Flasher.
"Is that what you're gonna do to every person we come across?" I ask her.
She puts her glock away, "Only when I feel like it." Look at her just smirking away.
Time to stand still and admire the scenery. Er, whatever looks cool enough to mention.
Crimson carpets, crimson walls and crimson vases on top of crimson tables. Shit, she's even got red beds.
At least there's some brown here... I think.
"So, are we just going to stand here and wait for something to happen?" Moriander puts her arms on her hips with one eyebrow up.
That gasoline smell is definitely going to stay for a while. Maybe it'd be better if Moriander didn't smell like ass.
"Let us bust down doors until we find you new clothes!" I present the plan and emphasize it by putting my foot on a tiny crimson foot stool.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"On my go. 3…2…1… Go!" Thunk!
AH shat, shoulder pain. Don't ever charge at a door with your shoulder, it hurts like a bitch.
How the hell is Moriander fine after that? We made no progress to opening this random door though.
"I think I have a better plan." She brandishes her revolver and aims at the door knob.
Ka-Ting! The door knob twists in a weird way and the door opens up.
I should not have tried to shoulder charge a door when I'm nothing but skin and bones.
Entering the room after Moriander-Oof.
I've been banned and shoved out the room. She's got a death stare on "No. I'm changing. You try to sneak a peek and gasoline will be part of your diet."
Welp, time to stand guard I guess.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MORIANDER'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
'I wasn't joking when I said what I said' Moriander looks around the empty room.
A bed that looks fluffy, a drawer next to it. And to the right, a closet full of clothes.
'Perfect' She starts emptying the closet. The ratio of panties to other clothes seemed to offset her.
'Did someone come by and steal the panties in this closet?'
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
…I wonder how long she's gonna take inside there. Hopefully I don't get jumped while waiting outside here.
Fun day of waiting for things to happen. It shouldn't take long for something to happen in this place.
…
It has come to my attention that I haven't checked the ceiling. Looking up I see a ledge. Too bad I can't vault.
"Hey! You're not supposed to be in here!" A person calls out from the end of the hellway.
She looks like she's from China. Her whole vibe is just China.
A green beret and reddish pink hair, she's got a big bust size too. "Stop staring at my tits and get the hell out." She's takin a stance, time to take mine.
I must stand my ground. "No, I have claimed this land for America!" My charisma is multiplied a few times over because I put my foot on the stool like the founding fathers.
Whack!
…Woah.. She knows shadow clone jutsu too?..
"Why does a European vampire's mansion have a ninja in it?" Oh god, my head. Mafaka hit me so fast I couldn't deflect it.
"Ninja? I'm a gatekeeper, not a ninja." Her fists raise for another attack.
"I don't see a gate anywhere nearby. And there are two of you, something only ninjas can do." Just gonna generate some sand in my left hand just in case.
"Damn, did I hit you that hard? I swear I punched enough for an outsider to tank. Look, can you just leave? The mansion isn't a good place to be in right now." She looks apologetic.
Wait, is it happening here too? "Are there giant balloons attacking the mansion?"
"Spot on. The mistresses are using them for stress relief and everyone caught in the crossfire is in danger of being hurt."
Huh, stress relief. I couldn't imagine what giant balloons could do against vampires.
"We'll leave as soon as my friend gets done changing. We may or may not take up too much of your time."
China girl shrugs it off and disappears around a corner.
Glad I can keep the dialogue to a minimum by using the cheat key.
I look back at the door it opens with Moriander coming outside with a new set of clothes.
"This was the only size that fit me. Don't say anything about it, I will shoot." She threatens me by saying words! And a gun, an important detail to remember.
Too bad I can think about it instead. She's got a black crop top turtleneck shirt, blue baggy jeans, and black boots.
If you don't fall for her, you might not be human. Luckily I'm a reader.
Welp, that should be enough fucking around in random places. Let's get moving!
"Follow me, friend! I sense adventure and beyond in the infinity!" I start running away from the gasoline and into the beyond.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"No! This is all wrong! You're supposed to say, 'Get back to work!' Ugh! Why must you be so incompetent!" A fairy sitting on those really tall chairs where life guards would be exclaimed at the crowd of fairies struggling in the makeshift studio with a megaphone.
"Mic-chan, why are you so mean?"
"Athens-chan just bit me!"
"No I didn't!"
What a fun looking place, too bad I must burn it all down now.
Let's see, any lightning fairies among the crowd?
"Scene of the incredibly greedy fairy. Take one."
The purple haired fairy maid took an aggressive stance, "Take more than one."
She must be really in character.
Squash! Ew, I stepped on shit. Lifting my leg up, I can see that I stepped on a beetle.
Shoof. Said beetle just got absorbed by my foot. Is my op fanfic ability absorption?
Alright, what did that do then? I throw a few punches in the air and nothing seems to happen.
Stupid beetle, I guess absorption isn't my op fanfic ability.
It's been like seven chapters, I need my op fanfic insert ability already!
Whulululul.. There it is. There's the God of War.
"What in the world are you doing screaming out obscenities this late at night?" Certain Old Hag starts walking out of her gap.
"I want my cool fanfic mc abilities, now!-oof" This nerd just threw a book at me.
"I'm sure you'd have more experience than me on this topic so you have no right to talk" She reads my mind and shows off her fancy fan.
I hope that the fan spontaneously combusts.
"Speaking of spontaneously combusting, here. Surely the original owner won't miss it." A gap appears above my right arm and something falls down.
Shwoof! I guess equipping new items requires me to genetically absorb it we-are-venom style.
Cool new item, it looks like they strapped a mini sentry on my wrist that's charged by shotgun shells.
Looks to be a 12-gauge shell, wouldn't the recoil just break my arm?
"Is there a safety guide for this thing? My shotgun hand doesn't feel like blowing itself up."
Oh no she's smirking, "The only safety precautions you'll ever need are in your hands."
So I risk breaking my arm to shoot a shotgun shell. This totally wont fuck me over.
Quick, change to another person's perspective while I figure it out.
Yukari facepalms and contemplates doing something. Her face shows it all.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : THE WATCHLIST~~~~
A group of friends are playing some board games to cure their boredom. Ironic.
They are currently playing Jenga.
"I don;t think you wanna start from there."
"Ah, Ah, Ah, Kidd, don't start there."
"No! No! Don't pull it from there!"
w
"Come on, you don't need to do this!"
Crash!
"Ahhh."
They all stop to look at Kidd.
"Man, why would you start from the bottom?" Madboome, the ringleader of the cult asks Kidd.
"Because it's Kidd, that's why. Let's play another game." KingCarrot leaves to find another board game.
Who knows if they'll ever get their boredom cured.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Right on time, so this shotgun fist thing is actually best paired with a melee weapon. Since it's basically short ranged, and I mean it when I say short ranged, explosion that staggers anyone it hits.
Case in point, this random fairy maid that tried to rapey rape me while the perspective wasn't on me.
"Buh-Buh I heahd hommans lyked thith kinddth of stuthh" I am in awe that this fairy maid still hasn't died yet despite losing her lower jaw.
Pi-chun! Nevermind, you don't tank a shotgun explosion to the face and live. Unless you're a final boss, that'd take at least 6 coins.
"Where in the hell did you find another weapon? And a weapon that is physically attached to you too. At this rate, you'll turn into a cyborg." Moriander complains because I'll look cooler than her.
Now all I need to do is to replace my spine with a piece of metal from some dude in an alleyway. Then I'd become the Genos from Wish.
What's a cool and totally original name for this thing? Wrist blaster? Finger Booster?... Knuckleboom?
Eh, Knuckleboom it is. "This new attachment shall be called, Knuckleboom! Close ranged enemies beware."
Coriander looks so disappointed. She just doesn't have the masculine urge to fight an unwinnable battle.
I just realized that the whole studio of fairies just disappeared in the short time the perspective wasn't on me too.
Either they're really fast and good at cleaning up, or…
And the next moment where I try to dodge bullets or knives never came, instead I got teleported to the library.
Well, that was definitely too fast for teleportation. Most likely time manipulation then they just carried us here.
Sounds like a reference to a certain animated film about gay men fighting with evil spirits.
"Sure, that's completely normal." Moriander looks so done with this place, she's just accepted the fact we can't do anything about teleporting.
Welp, nothing else we can do other than go forward. But only after I do something fun.
"Hey Mori! You mind putting some gasoline on the floor? I have a fun idea."
She complies and douses the floor near me with gasoline, no gasoline actually splashing on me.
"It's time for the big boom." I prepare the Knuckleboom for a rocket jump. Hopefully it actually rocket jumps and doesn't just set me on fire.
Welp, now that I'm here. I realize this is much more unsafe than I originally thought. Coriander had the same idea, she already ran behind a nearby bookshelf.
Here goes everything!
Chu-Chuk. Boom!
BOOM!
HOLY SHIT RECOIL. THE AIR TIME IS REAL!
I can see the top of a bookshelf! Come on, come on. Don't die of fall damage now!
I manage to vault to the top of the bookshelf and I dare not look down. These bookshelves are way taller than you'd think!
Good thing I rocket jumped before I got hit by that secondary explosion. I would've been a dead man!
You could feel the shockwave from that explosion! That definitely got someone's attention.
Question is, who?
…
"SUN SIGN, "ROYAL FLARE!"
HOLY SHIT ITS THE SUN QUICK, PARRY IT.
Clink!
Holy shot I parried the sun. For some reason it doesn't feel as hot as it should in this library.
That was a lot of gasoline, it should've made a big fire. I look down and see no more fire, just burn marks.
"Take this! Water Sign, "Princess Undine!" Purple mage sends small blue balls of pain towards me!
They are moving relatively slow so I can probably just move a little to the left..
"You interrupt my much needed sleep and set my library on fire! Don't expect to get out of this place alive, Foolish Outsider!" Thin blue lasers float towards me in bursts of three.
"Just block, parry, dodge!" I show off my epic dance moves and completely fail at moonwalking past the lasers. Too bad they're still slower than my backpedaling.
"You will rue the day you decided to enter my library-!"
Ka-Tink!
One well placed shot on the purple mage and she was out for the count. She didn't expect me to have back up!
"Nice save MoriMori!"
"Call me MoriMori again and you'll be the one falling down from a great height."
Haha, I hope she was joking. Also… Falling down from a great height…
I look back at where the purple mage was and it looks like she's barely floating.
Oh shit she's gonna fall.
Run faster legs!
"It's hero time!" Oh shit maybe not, she's falling faster than I expected.
What if I use the recoil on my Knuckleboom to fall down faster? Only one way to find out for sure!
Chu-Chuk. Boom! Oh shi-
It worked! But now we're falling upside down, this is definitely gonna kill us both if we hit the ground.
Come on arms, shooting a miniature shotgun isn't enough to put you out of commision!
Just a bit more.. And got her! Now purple mage is in my arms and we're both falling to our deaths.
I hope Knuckleboom is off cooldown because I'm about to introduce myself to the floor!
Chu-Chuk. Boom! Huhp-!
Oof, my stomach just went somewhere it shouldn't have!
Oh hey it's Moriander.
"Hey-Huahp!"
"You alright? Can't imagine falling down from that height was fun."
"It's like that one time I punched the ground after falling through a hole that led to Hell!"
"Because that's normal, come on. Let's go find something to eat, you might honestly need it."
And she might be right! But first, Chubby Purple Mage.
I see what looks to be a study table a few shelves away. So I make my way there with an unconscious Purple Woman in my arms.
Let's see, big chair or small chair? Which one should I place her down in?
The only correct answer is the table, your answer was wrong.
Just gonna leave a little surprise for her though. I made some sand in my hand.
I start outlining her with sand so when she wakes up, she's gonna have a bit of a problem.
I'm an asshole, not a murderer. I think. Those wolfmen didn't count. They probably lived.
"You coming or what?" Moriadner is pretty far away now, she's a fast dude.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
This is actually a pretty modern kitchen, they even have a fridge. Cabinets and cabinets, probably full of cooking supplies.
Maybe there's some food inside. I hope it's not just jars full of blood.
Opening the fridge I find..Jars full of blood. Only on the first layer though. There's frozen waffles.
Is there a microwave to cook the waffles? We must search for the end.
I look around a bit harder and spot no microwaves. A few hundred years old European vampire loli should definitely have a microwave in their mansion.
I kinda feel bad for that purple magician now that I think about it.
"Hey, Mori. Do you think I should apologize to that lady we knocked out?" I mess around a bit with the microwave.
"Us ladies need beauty sleep, going to her now would be the worst thing you could do." Mori opens the drawers and finds utensils.
Fwish! Oh, it's that Remillia vampire thing. She opens the fridge and takes out a bottle of blood.
Damn, she's really chugging that bottle.
Putting the bottle back, she looks at us with a concerned look. "As long as you don't have anything pertaining to fire.."
Welp, there she goes. She's instant transmissioned to another universe dude.
"Here." Mori found a thing and tosses it to me. "Gluten free bread, I think."
That reassures me well. Eh whatever, it's future Mark's problem now. "Mmm…" I eat the good breads.
Mori found some bread too. And she takes a chunk out of it with one bite. "...Yea, gluten free for sure."
We'll never know how she knows it's gluten free. Anyway, this bread being dry does not help my ever increasing thirst for 'h' double 'o'.
"You think they have water here?" Surely a vampire keeps water inside her mansion.
"It's in the fridge."
"Sweet…" That didn't sound like Moriander.. I turn around and I confirm that it isn't Moriander!
"Name one good reason I shouldn't kill you for trespassing right now." Oh no the knives.
Quick, think of something, small brain. "Before you ultrakill us, I need to know one thing."
"Which is?" She starts takin out more knives, I hope this works!
"...Are those real or are they padded?..."
…
My first inital thought on my question to her was, would she get mad?
My second thought was, oh shit knives.
Speaking of which.
Knives! Ah-fuck-shit-nerd!
"Where did you think you were going with that?" Blue and silver knives heading in my direction!
"If we're gonna fight, no more of the time stopping bs! That's not fair!" Just block, parry, dodge!
Clink! Fwoash. Healing got a new sound effect! Not helping with the constant pain!
Ow- ow- ow- Moriander help! I wave my hands around to signal for help!
Cha-click. Boom! The explosion knocks some of the knives backwards at the time stopper.
"Return to sender!"
Click- click- click… Oh yea, cooldowns.
Welp, time to book it.
"Mori! Let's make like a tourist in Africa and book it!" Door in my way, meet the knuckleboom!
Cha-click. Boom! Door couldn't handle the heat. Wooosh! And I can't handle that many knives.
Sprinting montage!
Running down the halls pass by a few rooms and that giant double door room too! But then I see the only way out in the distance!
A window! Alright, just like in the movies. Shoulder first!
Crash!
Now we enter free fall! Someone play free bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd!
Crash! That must've been Moriander! Why did she jump out of another window..
Alright, the ground is about to sucker punch me everywhere. What things do I have to stop fall damage?
Knuckleboom is on cooldown, so all we have now is!
Whiff.
Ah shat, stomach reformation! "Hurk-hp."
..I think I'm alright-
Bam. "Oof-"
"Mark, where'd you go?..."
Something soft has fallen directly on my face. This must be a test.
A test of patience. If I move even an inch from where I am, it will be equivalent to opening Pandora's Box.
Therefore I will follow these unspoken rules given to me.
Sike.
"Why are you so heavy?"
…
She starts tossing coins in the air!
"Wait! It was a joke, I swear. On my best friend's life."
Mori catches the coins in her hand and now she has a smug grin. "It was just a joke. Isn't that right?"
"I will get revenge for this, you are now my Twisted Sister that I am fated to kill. Prepare your femur."
"What?.."
Anyway, it seems we landed outside of that, quite literally, God forsaken mansion.
"Let's do some fast traveling. Do we have any saved checkpoints?"
"Sometimes I wonder if you're really a human."
Same. Anyway, fast travel in the direction opposite of the big lake!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S BEST FRIEND'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Another boring day…if only he hadn't swallowed that cherry pit..
Now they're making me clean this dusty ass room behind the school.
I swear this place is haunted. Even worse is that I forgot my flashlight.
"You look lost, use this." A lighter appears from somewhere above me. I think I'm tweakin.
Eh, lights a light I guess.
Click-click. fwash-BANG!
…
"Well isn't that sad? Don't you know better than to make a fire in a room full of particulates? I guess he didn't. Fufu."
Yukari opens her fan and gaps away to God knows where.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
Mmm, trees. I loveee trees.
Sadly no birch trees in sight. Just the regular, shitty design trees that will only let you go in one direction.
"I wonder when we'll find the god of ultrakilling."
Legs are still going strong somehow. Maybe I could outrun a god of ultrakilling.
"I wonder when you'll stop trying to find deities that could delete you from history."
"Wait, there's actually a god of ultrakilling?"
"Who knows.." Moriander has that smug look on her face.
Too bad I'm into that shit.
Oh wait, new person. Pale skin, flowy black hair and a blue kimono.. I wonder if this is a reference to something.
"What's a yuki-onna doing outside during summer?" Mori wonders.
Oh those are yuki-onnas, I see. Just like in the simulations.
"Would you…like to share heat?"
"Isn't it hot enough? It's summer."
I mean, considering how hot it is right now. I'm surprised she hasn't melted.
"..."
Why would a yuki-onna need more heat while it's burning hot? Some questions stay unanswered.
"..."
I think we broke the A.I's dialogue. Welp, the journey doesn't stop.
"We must continue on our Mori way." I'm just gonna.. Walk around her.
..Anyway, that was weird. Maybe we'll get a functional npc next time.
…
Yep, just walking in a straight line.
"Mori, don't you think the way we're trapped in lane that goes in one direction is weird?"
"No, not really. Maybe two families back in the day had a race to see which family could plant trees faster and didn't care about the order where they planted the saplings."
…
Oddly specific but sure!
New person detected! Please don't be an eldritch creature.
He's got a skull mask and black hair. Well he's edgy but eh.
Why's he movin weird tho. He's twitchin and stuff.
"Hey, you there!. Get over here!" I call out to him.
His neck snaps itself to look in my direction..
"Actually, you can stay there!" I don't think he's a human so uhh.
Oh, well he's not listening. If he keeps power walking towards me like that I'm gonna blast his head off.
…
Oh he's right infront of me now-
"HIURAGHHHH!" His "skin" pops off revealing a bloody, black figure with a weirdly sharp left limb!
"Oh shi-!" Cha-click. Bang!
The creature get's stunned for a second or two.
"I hope you don't like BDSM!" Yeeting the rope on him, it latches onto him.
Mori's already begun tossing coins in the air, and damn they are high up there.
"Don't forget the punchline!" The gasoline gets dumped all over him while it's still stunned.
Now to shank with this dinky dagger. Poke.
The dagger broke. And the creature's red eyes stare at me.
"RAGHHHHH!" He's loose!
Ka-ting-ting-ting! Her ricocheting shot hits the creature in the head three times.
"Uwaghh." it makes a weird noise and dies. Looks like there's another person that was inside the black creature.
The body still has a few places on his body that were turned black.
"What a weird place Gensokyo is." Mori's right, this game is fun.
Especially since I have bullshit stuns.
"Those guys aren't from Gensokyo."
Sudden character appearance has occurred. And it's…a wolf girl with a red and black color palette.
"Could've fooled me." Mori comes in with the clutch.
"I've been watching those guys for a while. They suddenly appeared here with some other people on a spaceship thing."
I do wonder how it managed to change its appearance. So I ask! "Do you know how it looked like a regular person before transforming?"
"It wasn't a transformation. That 'thing' skinned the person alive and hid inside of it… It burst out the moment it got close enough to you..."
"And you just stood there and watched?"
"I like being in my skin, thank you very much."
Fair enough. Anyway, I see the bullshit bamboo in the distance. Time for round 2.
"We'll be on our way now. Don't get skinned, friend."
"You too."
Wait, I feel like we're moving too fast. What do we do in this situation?
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
Bullshit bamboo, it's time for round 2!
"Hey Mori!"
Moriander looks in my direction.
"It's your turn to catch me!"
"What the-
Cha-click. Boom!
If you can't get past a level, cheese it! Just a bit more.. Almost at the top of the bamboo forest.
Why does it feel like I'm not getting any higher..
…
Well shit.
"Mori, there's no way to cheese this level!"
"Cheese isn't a verb!"
Holy shit why is Mori approaching me faster than the ground?
"Gotcha." I've been gotten.
She pulls out the 9mm and spins it around. Ow-ow-ow-ow. It's one way to get down from how high we are I guess.
We both slowly levitate downwards and reach the ground.
"What the hell were you thinking?" The 9mm disappears.
"I was cheesing the level." I show off the Knuckleboom to further support the cause.
Mori looks tired of this. "Next time you try something like that, I'm not gonna save you."
Guess I'll die.
The bush I was about to jump into starts rustling.
"...Hmm?"
"Gangstar wait." New white haired girl, and she's got baggy pants. Now that's my typa girl.
She looks at us suspiciously but I feel like she looked at Moriander more. I mean I don't blame her.
"...What's this?"
"Do you know a way to make ten thousand yen and fast?" I give her a question and I'm starting to feel some deja vu.
"...Oh, you're an outsider. That checks out."
What.
"How did that one question assure you I wasn't from here?" I'm genuinely curious.
"You're not the first to ask that question."
Holy shit. It's like when you search up something extremely specific on google and a random redditor from the Bronze Age just happened to have an answer about it.
"You tryna politely scam Eientei too?"
"Sure!" I don't know who Eientei is but I almost feel bad.
Mori speaks up for the first time in a while. "How can we be so sure you're not a con artist if you're helping us scam someone else?"
"Cuz I'm the only one here that knows the path to Eientei. Now stop whining, Tits Mcgee."
Mori covers her chest with her hands. It's kinda cute.
"...Relax. I don't swing that way… I think."
That reassured Mori greatly.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Oh yea, I haven't told you guys my name yet. Name's Mokou, don't forget it."
"So what can you do?" I wonder if she can shoot lasers out of her eyes.
She takes a moment to think about her answer.
"We'll never know."
Fair enough.
Pushing the bushes out of the way, she makes her way through the bamboo forest with us following behind her.
"Don't worry about the mud monsters. I got rid of the rest a while ago."
Mud monsters? Bullshit bamboo forest never ceases to surprise me.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
I swear we went in a circle four times. Yet we found some sort of building.
"How the hell did you?.."
"I had a bit of time to memorize the path." She grins and confuses me.
This place looks like a clinic or pharmacy, they even have sliding doors!
How come the village doesn't look like this?
"Welcome to Eientei. Now keep following me, we need to find Kaguya." Mokou walks inside the clinic.
And we follow behind her. This place even has a lobby! And there's a purple rabbit girl at the counter.
"Going to see the Princess?"
"I'm gonna shit down her neck and rip her skull out..or something.."
"Go ahead…"
Eientei seems to be mainly full of rabbit people, I can only see two kinds of rabbits though.
Short ones with plain dresses and tall ones with longer ears. I wonder if there's a difference between them other than their looks.
"This place is…giving me deja vu." Mori makes a statement about the vaguely dim but vaguely luminous halls of Eientei.
The halls stop looking like a horror clinic and more like those aristocratic wooden walls in old Japanese castles.
Maybe the Princess is actually a really nice person.
"Alright, time to kill this fucker again!" Mokou runs up to the door down the hall!
Chuu~!Chuu~! The fuck-!
A laser just blew Mokou's brains out! And not in the kinky way.
Oof. I'm just gonna walk past her dead body… Anyway, she probably respawns.
The lasers don't seem to be targeting me so i'm just gonna…Sli~de it open.
Inside, a lady with long black hair is sitting down in her gaming chair..
"Hah! Take that, Fuckass! This remote controlled defense system is great!"
I make myself known, "Hi, we're here to ask about your car's extended warranty."
She turns her head to me.. "So now you need to use bullshit lasers just to kill me? I thought you were stronger than this, Kaguya!" Nevermind, she was looking at the Mokou person behind me.
"Shut it, hotpants. Who's this weirdo? Another one of your fuckbuddies?" Very nice Kaguya person spins around in that gaming chair.
"Clearly someone has never beaten Everquest.." I shrug and act all high and mighty against a princess.
"When was the last time you've ever heard of someone playing Everquest?"
"Fair point."
"Anyway, you know how to Smash?" She takes out some modified controllers from a drawer in her desk.
"Slut." Mokou chimes in not knowing what Super Smash Bros is.
"We literally played Smash Bros last night. How the fuck did you already forget it?!"
"That game was shit anyway, all you did was spam moves with that little pink ball sack of shit!"
"Sweet, I love Kirby!"
They both stare at me for no reason at all.
…
"Where's the screen?" Mokou fidgets around with the controller.
"What do you mean where's the screen? Look in front of you, dumbass."
"Why is the screen gone on my controller? You tryna sabotage me?"
"Fuck… Look, on the TV is the screen. That was a 3DS we used last night. Is that simple enough for your primitive brain?.."
Mokou figures it out! And she powers down the controller... Time to be an annoying prick with Steve.
I pick up a controller and look for somewhere to sit down.
Damn, Kaguya's room is even more mismanaged than mine. Chip bags and controllers everywhere.
She's also got like multiple tables, for what purpose?
Not as big as the other rooms I saw on the way, but it's got a gaming chair!
I enter the code and join Kaguya's lobby. Not sure why Mokou's taking a while but it can wait.
Or… I could make money off of this.
"...Literally, just press online then enter the code…"
Mokou makes a sour face. "I know how to do it, fuck off-…huh."
As Kaguya struggles to join the lobby, I feel like taking advantage of this current situation.
"Hey Kaguya, If I win you gotta gimme 10 thousand yen. If you win, I'll give you 10 thousand yen."
Kaguya looks at me for a moment, then back to Mokou. "...Just pick a character and press start. I wont lose 10 thousand yen to another outsider."
It seems I'm not the first scammer to come here.
…Time to spam random shit with Steve!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
…Aaa~h.
How long did we… play Smash? Wait, where's my money…
There's a pile of pink dresses under my head and some more dresses acting as a blanket.
…Too tired to worry about it right now…
…
"Ugh…" Mokou almost steps on me but passes by. "Fucking…Steve…" That was aggression towards Steve, not me. Just clarifying it.
…Ehhh, I don't feel like getting up anymore but I have to. For I am standing on a million lives!
Kaguya opens up her fridge and drinks some bottled water. Oh wait, I need that too.
I get up and head for the fridge right before she closes it! "I am in need of this mineral water!"
"S'alot more than just minerals in that water." Surely it can't be drugs.
She's got that Prime drink in here too. This thing has lots of caffeine!...
Don't mind if I do… Glug-gulp. Good water.
Kaguya sits back on her gaming chair and Mokou's just wasted. Can't carry all this Prime in my pockets though..
"Hey, Kaguya! You got like a purse? My pockets are empty." I point at the bulging mass in my pants that is multiple Prime bottles.
…She furrows her brows and gives me a stare. "Are you acoustic? Cuz I'm not giving you one if you are."
Acoustic…
"Purses are in the drawer to your left, don't open the one next to it though." Kaguya goes back to being chronically online.
Wait, why does she just have an entire drawer filled with purses?...
I'm gonna ask less questions and just take the free loot. Yoink.
A pretty pink purse! And just for funsies I'm gonna "accidentally" open the drawer to the left…
Creak..
…
The monster sized dildo appears.
Creak…
I didn't see anything in that drawer. For sure…
Gonna just slowly back away..
Now that we've got an inventory! Let's use it. First, gotta take this rope off my shoulder.. Wow, I'm surprised I didn't get any rope burns.
Does this purse have more room than it looks?
Inserting the rope…and it just ate the entire rope. This purse has inventory space!
"Oh yeah. Kaguya, you got 10 grand?"
"If you wanna buy drugs, you'd be paying us with our own money. Then again that's how the economy works…Eh whatever." Kaguya tosses a bag at me!
Easy catch-oof.
"Do you not know how to catch?" Kaguya I hope you get shite teammates.
"Thanks, time to buy staples." I look in the direction of the window and try to get a running start.
Kaguya pauses her gaming and looks at me again. "Just open the window, dumbass. It's big enough for a six foot tall American to go through."
How convenient. At least I can avoid the pain of tackling a window.
"Rehab was supposed to be a fresh start."
"What the fuck?!" Kaguya is mortified.
I dare not turn around and look at Kaguya's screen. Now that I think about it, I'll just leave through the front door.
"What the fuck…Nah it's too early for this shit.." Mokou just turns around after seeing whatever was on the screen.
BANG!
Splat!
…Was that a cannonball? From the screen?... Holy fuck, Mokou got obliterated.
"Damnit, not again…" Kaguya pulls out a white plasma rifle!
Chu- chu- chu- chu- chu. The screen has been reduced to ashes and wires.
Kaguya looks even more tired now.
"I think we should leave now." Moriander appears after leaving her invisible jet.
She shoves me through the door.
"Thanks for the ten thousand! We'll pay you back when we have money!"
Kaguya scoffs at that.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
The purple rabbit lady fell asleep behind the counter, must be a 9-5.
These sliding doors remind me of that one hospital I went to as a kid. Too bad hospitals are expensive now.
"So…does your shirt have some sort of meaning to it? That'd be pretty cool.."
"Boy, I'm here to collect corpses." Tax collector with necrophilia? "If you don't stop trying to flirt with me, I'll kill ya."
A fookin crackhead is outside talking with a red cat lady.
Kinda weird how mostly everyone in Gensokyo is associated with an animal. Magical girls will be magical I guess.
"Oh…Well that's kinda hot I guess.. So if I was a dead body, would you take me out?"
Damn, people get desperate.
"Sure…? Just don't do it in front of me, won't be as hot."
"O-Okay! I'll get my knife at home!" Crackhead teen runs away into the bamboo.
I look at the cat person and she looks back.
"So you wanna go to hell? It's a thousand yen for your first ride." She taps her cart.
Oh so she's an Uber. I mean I haven't fully explored hell yet so why not?
"Do I have to pay extra for my friend Moriander?" I point in her general direction.
Cat lady furrows her brows and thinks about it…
"Nah, just get in the cart. I'll give you a 2 for 1 deal since it's your first time."
Nice.
"Mori, get in the cart!" And so I jump into the cart and wait for Mori.
"But we don't even know this person.? Are you sure we can trust them?"
"Just get in the fucking cart, Mori."
"Jeez..you don't have to yell at me…" Moriander looks displaced but enters the cart anyway.
"Damn, you're weird as shit! But you're paying so it's none of my business. Name's Orin by the way." Orin goes to the front of the cart and..
Lifts!
"Keep your asses in the cart at all times!"
I think it's time for a scene break-!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : JOHN'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
"And get this, his suicide note was stuck to the fridge with a yukkuri magnet. All he wrote on it was, 'Theia's fault'." An energetic girl with green hair exclaims.
"I'm Theia by the way. Hi! What the fuck did I do to him?!" She throws her hands around.
When did this girl start following me? Actually I'll just say this one out loud.
"Why are you following me again?"
She stops in her tracks. "...Because school is for bitches who think knowing how to count can keep sex junkies off your juicy teenage ass."
…
"School is actually pretty good for you though.." I continue walking until we leave the vicinity of the school.
"Ugh, don't tell me I skipped class just to talk with a nerd?" She crosses her arms.
Just gonna ignore her for now. Since I can think again..
How am I gonna get out of this place? It won't be long til I die from the most random thing you could think of in here..
I should find someone with high authority, that sounds like the most rational thing to do. Maybe they could bring me back.
I can only imagine how much work has piled on top of eachother while I waste my time here…
"..Hey! Are you even listening to me?" Theia seems to have been talking for a while.
"Where are we right now?"
"Wha-what?" She gets flustered with how close I got.
"What is this place?"
"We-well for starters, we're in the human village. I take it you're not from around here? That's like basic knowledge."
Human village huh. Doesn't sound like a strong magical person would be in here. It seems I've wasted time here.
"Alright then, it was good talking with you." I start walking fast in a random direction.
"Wait! Let me come with you. School is too much work.!" Somehow she keeps up. "You look like you know what you're doing. Literally anything is better than school right now."
I have no fu-flippin clue where I'm going.
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania : MARK'S PERSPECTIVE ~~~~
This is about to be my third or fourth trip to hell. I like this place.
We're currently passing by the Japanese houses for the residents that may be evil. This place is pretty beautiful all things considered.
Reminds me of that one teacher who told us hell would appease your tastes then immediately starts torturing you. Maybe everyone likes Japanese culture.
Also this cart is going pretty fast!
"Didn't I tell you to keep your ass in the cart?" Orin's voice is blocked by the wind.
"Whaaaat?"
Fun-
Oof. Why did the cart stop? "If this is our destination, I'm gonna leave a one star review." I cross my arms in anger.
There's nothing around.. Except for the bridge in front of us and someone standing in the way.
It's that person I saw in the weird store! The one that complained a lot.
Orin stares at Parsee, Parsee stares back.
"You can whammy the girl, the boy's paying."
"Deal."
What? "What?" Moriander asks worriedly.
…
There is an awkward silence between the two while they stare at each other.
…
Orin points behind Parsee. "Look! The boring lines!"
Parsee is confused but turns around anyway-
And off we gooo~!
The cart is lifted off the ground and we fly away! Parsee only looks at the cart with jealousy.
"Sorry about the sudden stop! She's cranky right now!" Orin's voice is slightly overtaken by the wind.
We're getting an odd amount of air time and Moriander looks a bit shifty.
"We gotta get shwifty now!" Here comes the ground!-
Oh, that wasn't so bad. Cats always land on their feet huh.
"Cats always land on their feet. Heheh." Orin grins. Wait, I thought of that first.
I get out of the cart and so does Moriander. "This Uber has been fine so far, 4 stars."
Orin looks at me confused.
"Where are we now?" I look around and only see a very large mansion. Knowing my luck, this might just be a boss arena.
"This is the Komeiji estate! Home of the Satori youkai…" Orin explains. "...Feels weird calling my house by its full name.."
"So it's like Luigi's Mansion. Got it, Let's go Mori!" I powerwalk my way to the front door.
I hope I'm not underlevelled for this boss fight! Even so… Cha-click. I can always cheese it!
Moriander is just behind me, waiting for me to move.
What if I don't want to move though…
…
Mori brandishes her revolver. "You gonna move or am I gonna have to shoot you?"
"I refuse." Insert manga panel of me in a weird pose that goes pretty hard.
…
Bang! Clink! There we go… the full heal makes all your pains go away!
Mori has a very jaded stare currently. I should probably step out of the way before she starts throwing coins in the air.
And so I do. You know it's gonna be a good adventure when your guide leaves you in the middle of nowhere!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
We find ourselves in a kitchen of sorts, lots of drawers and stuff. I'd take the loot if it weren't all pots and pans.
What are we gonna do with this room? That's for us to know and for you to find out!
"...Why are you pointing at the wall?" Moriander asks stupidly.
"For dramatic effect, which acutally isn't as dramatic as I remember."
Moriander shrugs it off and continues opening the drawers for loot.
Opening a drawer nearby, I present to Moriander chocolate chunks!...
"Are those raw chunks of chocolate?"
"Yes."
…
Anyway, it looks about as modern as a modern kitchen can get.
I have an idea! "What if we took all the pans and pots, then threw them all down at once?"
"...That would be an awful idea. You'd just be making a bunch of noise." Moriander gives a disappointed stare.
I feel like we missed a major plot point but sure. No throwing pans and pots I guess.
Onto the next room we go!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
"Hold on, Moriander. I feel something." I wave my hands around for the secret achievement.
"...You didn't tell me you knew black magic..?
"Frik- no. It's like that feeling of a secret being inside of the room."
I open the door where we entered. And then close it. And then open-
"...What in the actual fu-flip." John appears! And someone else behind him.
It has been a while since I've seen John, by a while I mean a few hours. Hell times are weird.
…This place is getting more and more crowded! Especially in this tiny room.
"How did you get here? Did you take an Uber as well?" He looks just as confused as me.
Looking bamboozled, he puts away his sword. "I walked around a tree and then we suddenly appeared in front of this door."
The plot thickens. Or thins considering we might have missed a major plot point.
Everyone just starts moving into their respective corners of the room, so I do too.
"So, shall we introduce ourselves?" Green haired new person asks.
No one dares to introduce themselves first, myself included! Fookin antisocials.
"Alright then, my name is Theia!" Theia jumps like a foot off the ground. "Is anyone else gonna introduce themselves or are we just gonna sit in our corners?" She looks over to Moriander.
Then, she turns to John. "Do you all know each other? If so then it'd be awkward introducing each other."
…We all look at her, before nodding. "Nice to meet you, Theia! I'm still not gonna tell you my name though."
"Mark, John, Theia, and… you. May you all please get out of the pet's storage chamber?" Satori appears at the open doorway!
"Must you narrate everything I say? It feels weird, like I'm in some sort of fictional book made by a fan." Holy shit she can read minds.
We all leave our corners and confront the legendary bloodline..
"...Whatever you say… If you're looking for loot, someone beat you to it a while ago."
…
"Are you guys just gonna stay quiet or am I gonna show you guys the pool?" Satori seems to be waiting for us. "If you can't swim we have a cat pool."
I've always wanted to do this when I encounter a mind reader!
…
Satori raises a brow at my current thoughts. "How much smut do you have in your head? You could fill few books with that much."
Everyone else just looks at Satori. "I can read your thoughts, if that clears up any misunderstandings."
They nod to this. "Though I am curious as to how you already knew of it beforehand. It's almost as if there's a place dedicated to my abilities somewhere out there."
It might be a surprise considering my other party members don't know about touhou, but my other friend just wouldn't stop talking about touhou. It's practically engraved in my brain.
Since she can read deep into our minds, I wonder if she knows exactly how many times I've masturbated to smut.
"About 65,378 times, if you exclude the vanilla." Satori doesn't look at all affected by it! She's seen some things.
Satori furrows her brows. "A certain American that came by had it worse. Your perversion wouldn't be the first I've seen in this context."
"I feel like there's something going on between you two..." Moriander puts two and two together.
"You don't need to know…Moriander." Satori refuses to look in her direction.
I mean, it's not that bad.. You get used to it after a while. Then again, getting used to smut probably isn't good.
"The mind really is a mystery…Especially yours. It's filled with these novels and books that I've never seen before." Satori has a smug look on her face. Reminds me of that one meme.
"What do you mean by that?" Is she a pervert too?
"If you would… I have a lounge not too far from here." Satori begins floating back into the kitchen.
"Sure." I follow after her and Moriander isn't far behind.
By the time we make it to the kitchen, Satori is already down the green and beige hallway. Not gonna tell you what the color of the hallway leading up to the kitchen was though.
Man, I'm bored! Satori, can we fight or something?
She stops in the lobby, seemingly waiting for us. "You must get past my infinite wall of assfucks first."
Pfft-what the.
Orin appears in front of Satori in one of those power ranger poses! Another person with big black wings appears in a similar pose!
"Have no fear! Okuu is here!" Good to know.
The other party members just look at them in confusion.
Well this isn't a very advantageous situation. We're still in the hallway so dodging sideways is practically impossible. And they also might have some pretty unknown magic or another miscellaneous way of fighting.
"How long has it been since I've last had this much fun?" Satori is saying some pretty weird things.
I haven't known her for too long but this feels out of character, almost as if it is another character.
We are so gonna get curb stomped. Theia's frozen in place and John doesn't look like a person who would wanna move.
Mori looks as calm as ever, revolver out and about. "Is this what it has come to? Another fight?"
Satori still has that smug and unpredictable look. I think Orin and Okuu are getting sore of staying in the same pose though.
Moriander looks ready to fight. Glad we're severely underleveled for this stuff!
Do Mark and Moriander survive this ordeal? Find out in the next episode of Fluff'n'stuff Z!
~~~~ 2hu Frikmania ~~~~
END OF CHAPTER 5
MC: Mark, Not alone anymore, The reasonable Hobo
PRIMARY WEAPON:
The Feedbacker: Does not give feedback. A blue metal arm that has a tendency to make people trip on it, deals 1 damage with punches, deals 5 damage with parries. Parries fully heal. Parries deflect most projectiles with +4 damage. Parrying the first hit in a combo will cancel the whole combo.
INVENTORY:
Tanto: one sided dagger, dull from overuse.
Youkai Exterminator Badge: Proof of being a youkai exterminator, free pass to and from the gates of the human village.
4x,Small pieces of red rubber from a balloon
SKILLS:
Gamer Instinct: Years of gaming made his body instinctively want to extend combos
Excellent Observation Skills: this means he points out the obvious too many times. Slightly longer range for ranged weapons.
Stick Type Weapon Proficiency: Capable of using stick type weapons to their full potential
Phony Swordsman : watches a lot of swordsmanship videos on youtube, convinced himself he knew how to swing a sword. Slight sword proficiency.
Bacon Connoisseur : Likes bacon, heals to full upon eating bacon. Eating bacon increase stick type weapon damage by 2.5x
German Swordsmanship Proficiency: would be useful.. If he had a German sword
Nuclear Warhead Blueprint Memorization : Can memorize the blueprints of nuclear warheads, he hasn't seen a single warhead in his life
Endured Legs: Years of walking long distances from his house to his school made his legs slightly stronger
PARTY:
Moriander, The Human
PRIMARY WEAPON:
Marksman Revolver:
Hitscan bullets deals 1 damage. Alt fire tosses a coin. Shooting the coin activates ricoshot that hits weak points with critical hits. Coins can be punched by Feedbacker at enemies, deals 2 damage.
INVENTORY:
Gas Passer: Gasoline container that fills up over time or dealing damage. Can be thrown to make a gas cloud that applies doused for 10 seconds. Enemies shot while doused instantly combust into flames. Gas clouds float down when thrown in the air.
SKILLS:
Aimbot: this nerd has aimbot hacks
Good Student: Went to school, learns things fast
John, Enforcer of his own Justice
PRIMARY WEAPON:
Longsword:
Deals damage based on the user's sword skills. Unlocks new moves upon gaining mastery.
INVENTORY:
Nothing, he has no inventory. Also he's homeless.
~~~~ AUTHOR'S NOTE ~~~~
I had a bit of back pain