Part 1

DPOV

I was sitting on the sofa, reading one of my western novels, when my charge stormed into the living room. I looked up at her in surprise. Princess Vasilisa Dragomir was normally a gentle, levelheaded, serene woman, and I'd rarely seen her upset in the three years I'd been guarding her. Any outbursts I'd witnessed in that time were triggered by darkness, a direct consequence of spirit, the rare element she'd specialized in. As I regarded her carefully, I realized that upset might actually be an understatement. Pissed off, outraged, incensed or livid would have been more accurate descriptions of her current mood.

I was about to ask her what was wrong when she burst out: "She's gone!"
She could mean any number of people; her favourite hairdresser, her yoga-instructor, the girl at the dress shop who advised her on her last ballgown, her cat even, but for some reason her words filled me with dread. Surely the Princess couldn't be talking about Rose, her best friend since childhood and my guarding partner.

Rose Hathaway, troublemaker extraordinaire, yet also one of the most promising and dedicated young guardians out there. Quick-tempered and passionate, with a tendency to speak and act before thinking things through, the ability to come up with the most insane plans and the skill to actually pull them off. The girl who made my life very complicated when I became her mentor, after I brought her and Vasilisa back to St. Vladimir's three years ago. The woman I had been in love with for at least the past 2 years and 10 months, and if I was being honest, ever since the day I first met her and she attacked me to protect Vasilisa.

Back at the academy, Rose had also harbored feelings for me, but we never acted on them. We had a few close calls. The time Victor Dashkov had used a lust-charm on us had been especially close, but nothing noteworthy ever happened. I had explained to Rose why we couldn't be together, why I couldn't allow myself to love her. It would have put Vasilisa in danger and that was something neither of us wanted. I didn't realize until much later that whether I allowed myself to love her or not, I actually had no choice in the matter. By the time I became aware of how much she really meant to me, my love for her was such a deeply ingrained part of me that I couldn't have changed it if I wanted to. And honestly, I didn't want to.

Our relationship had been completely professional ever since the lust-charm, except for a few minor slip-ups when our emotions got the better of us. A hug that lasted a little too long after I found her in Spokane, an unexpected but heated kiss after we both survived the battle and rescue mission at St. Vlardimir's a while later, cupping her face in my hands and looking deep into her eyes after she graduated. And there was the time when we both had a night off and she got completely and totally wasted on Russian vodka. I carried her back to her room and somehow I woke up the next morning in her bed, with Rose snuggled up against me, our arms wrapped around eachother. Thankfully we had still been fully dressed, and we never mentioned that occassion to anyone.

All of that had happened a long time ago though. After we got used to working together and being around eachother fulltime, we learned to control our feelings and nothing inappropriate ever happened again. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if Rose still had feelings for me. She was very young when I first fell for her after all, and it was quite possible she had gotten over me a long time ago. Perhaps it was just an infatuation with a teacher who was a few years older, and she lost her interest as soon as we became partners rather than mentor and student. There was even the possiblity that she had moved on with someone else, and I just didn't know it. The thought hurt and I quickly pushed it away.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I had completely forgotten about Vasilisa until she walked up to me and hissed: "She's gone, and it's your fault!"
"What?" I asked her in confusion.
She glared at me. "Rose left. She left me and resigned as my guardian, and it's all because of you."
"What are you talking about? When did Rose leave?" I jumped up. I was nearly incoherent with shock, could she truly have left?

Vasilisa pushed a piece of paper into my hands and started pacing up and down the room. I unfolded the paper and instantly recognized Rose's handwriting.

Liss,

By the time you're reading this I'll already be far away from Court. I've handed in my resignation to Guardian Croft and while he was surprisingly unhappy to see me go, there's nothing he can do to stop me.
I'm so very sorry to be leaving you like this, but I felt I had no choice.

I don't know if you remember, but after Spokane you once asked me if I loved Mason, and I ended up telling you about my feelings for Dimitri instead. I called it a crush at the time and told you I'd get over it. I remember you comforting me and telling me there were plenty of guys out there and once we got out of the Academy, you'd find me someone amazing. I recall telling you that if you did, he had better be hot.
And I know you tried Liss, until I told you not to waste your energy on it since I was perfectly happy the way I was and wanted to focus on guarding you, rather than being distracted by the next pretty face trying to get me naked.

The point is, I wasn't happy, I haven't been in a very long time. My feelings for Dimitri were much, much more than just a crush. I've been in love with him for years. I thought I could handle it, that I could push my feelings aside because guarding you was all I ever wanted, what I had worked so hard for. I told myself that seeing Dimitri every day, being a part of his life as a partner and a friend, was much better than not being around him at all. And at first that was actually true. But for the past few months, as I see you and Christian move forward with your lives, taking the next step with your engagement, making plans for your future, I have started to realize that that's something I will never have with the man I love.

You deserve your happily ever after. After everything that's happened the past few years, I'm thrilled that you and Christian managed to work things out and create a life for yourselves. You no longer need me the way you once did, and while that makes me a little sad, I'm also incredibly proud of the woman you have become. Now that you don't need me to take care of you anymore, I've decided that it's time for me to start taking care of myself. I can't spend the rest of my life on the sidelines, looking at Dimitri from across the room and wondering about what could have been. Or what he looks like naked, I mean, who hasn't wondered about that right?
I need to find my own place in this world and give myself the chance to find out what I want to do, and to get over Dimitri. I can't do any of those things at Court, and that's why I've decided to leave.

I know you'll probably be pissed, but I hope one day you'll understand and forgive me. You're my best friend, my sister and my only true family, and while I might not be with you at the moment, you're always in my mind and in my heart, and I'll occasionally be in your head as well. Please tell Christian to wear clothes around the house, I do NOT want to have nightmares about him.

Will you tell Dimitri thank you from me? I would never have been the person I am today without his lessons, his friendship and his trust in me.

Be happy Liss, I love you.

Rose

She left. She actually left. My knees buckled and I dropped back onto the sofa, still holding on to the letter. I tried reading it again, hoping that somehow I misunderstood the first time, that she was just taking a break and would be back soon. Sadly the second and third time I read her words only confirmed what I instinctively guessed from the moment Vasilisa entered the room. Rose was gone, and considering the things she said to Vasilisa, she had no intentions of returning anytime soon.

She left because she still loved me.

I understood her reasons for leaving. It had been difficult for me as well to witness Vasilisa and Christian starting their life together, although it had probably been easier for me than it was for Rose. As a male dhampir, I had accepted a long time ago that there wouldn't be a happily ever after for me. Most dhampir children are born from short relationships between Moroi men and dhampir women, while the men also have a respectable Moroi family at home. Moroi women are usually unwilling to have dhampir children or be in a longterm relationship with one. Also, relationships between guardians are frowned upon in our society. By becoming a guardian, I dedicated my life to the Moroi. They come first.

Upon Rose's graduation, I had told myself something similar to what she apparently did. If she could be part of my life, whether as my partner or my friend, I would be content. It was the best we could hope for, and at least I would know she was okay, I could be there for her if she needed me, and I was in a position where I could protect her to the best of my abilities. I didn't trust anyone else to keep her safe.

"You could have stopped her. Why didn't you stop her?" Vasilisa asked, snatching the letter out of my hands.
"I didn't know she had left until you just told me, how was I supposed to stop her?"
She yells: "That's not what I meant! I've seen your aura, I know you care for her. Why didn't you tell her? She never would have left if she knew you had feelings for her too!"
I sat back and sighed in defeat. "She knew. At least, she used to know."

Vasilisa's mouth fell open and she stared at me perplexedly. "What?"
I ran my hands through my hair, feeling helpless and defeated. "I developed feelings for Rose shortly after you both returned to St. Vladimir's. I tried to ignore them and to keep it from Rose, but when Victor kidnapped you, he used a charm on Rose that made us both act on our feelings for eachother to distract us. Afterwards, I told Rose how I felt, but also why we could never act on it and be together."
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow. "Which is why exactly?"
"If I allowed myself to love Rose, to be with her, it would put you at risk. If we had gotten into a situation where I would have had to choose between you and Rose, I would have picked her." I sighed. "We both agreed we couldn't endanger you like that. You come first."
Vasilisa's mouth actually fell open. "That's..."
"The way things are." I finished Vasilisa's sentence.
"Seriously fucked up?" Said a voice from the doorway. Christian.

Vasilisa ran to him and he wrapped an arm around her in comfort. With his free hand, he took the letter from Vasilisa and started reading it. I expected him to be annoyed at the way Rose left, that he would see it as her deserting Vasilisa. However when he finished the letter, he put it down on the table next to him, resignation and sadness etched on his features.
"I'll miss her."
Vasilisa looked up at him in shock. "What do you mean, you'll miss her? We'll get her back, she has to come back."
He shook his head. "I don't think she will Liss. Even if you'd be able to find Rose, and I doubt you will if she doesn't want to be found, she obviously had good reasons for leaving."
The Princess crossed her arms. "No she didn't. She should have stayed, we could have worked something out. She should have told us sooner."

Christian didn't answer her, pulling her into a hug instead. There probably wasn't anything he could say anyway. He was right after all, if Rose didn't want to be found, she had all the skills necessary to disappear, and nobody would be able to find her. Randomly, a name I had heard from time to time while growing up came to mind. A man, a Moroi, who knew everyone and everything and did favors for people when asked. I disregarded the thought immediately. I doubted even he would be able to find Rose, and I was well aware that his help came at a high price. Not that I wasn't willing to pay any price when it came to Rose, but at the very least I would try to find her myself before I ever requested his help.

Eventually, Christian managed to get Vasilisa to move to the other sofa and sit down. She was still upset, repeating the same words to herself: "She should have told us, we could have helped."
While he was busy comforting his girlfriend, I was fighting a battle of my own. My sense of duty, both part of my personality and something that had been drilled into me since I was four years old, was warring with my desire, my need to go after Rose and tell her how I feel about her. Her leaving brought all my feelings for her, everything I tried to bury, back to the surface, and in some ways this was the closest I'd ever felt to a happy ending, a chance for us to be together. At the same time of course, we were far from it. Literally, because Rose was probably far away by now. Still, if I went after her, if I could find her, maybe we'd really have a shot at a life together. This part of me wanted to run to my room, throw some things into a bag and go after her.

In the back of my mind though, I could hear a small nagging voice reminding me of my duty, of the promises I had made when I became a guardian, of the motto I had lived by since I was a kid. They come first. I couldn't just abandon Vasilisa, especially not now when I was her only guardian, until Hans found a replacement for Rose. And Rose wouldn't want me to leave her best friend at risk. She probably only felt she was able to leave because she knew I was here, because she trusted me to keep the Princess safe for her.

Without Rose, I didn't want to stay here though. It might've been my duty to keep Vasilisa safe, but Rose and I weren't the only capable guardians out there. Surely there was someone else who could do my job, and do it well. If I went to look for Rose now, maybe I could find her. Maybe we could work things out, be together, have the future I had wanted ever since I met her, but always thought was unattainable.

When I returned to my surroundings, Vasilisa was looking at me. She had stopped crying and she didn't look as pissed off as before either. She was just looking at me thoughtfully and seemed to understand what I was thinking. "You should go after her."
I sighed. "I can't leave you unprotected, Rose wouldn't want me to risk your life." My words were true, and yet I still wasn't convinced I was making the right decision. Honestly, before Vasilisa spoke up, I had just about decided to leave straight away, but after a lifetime of having put my duty first, I had a hard time pushing that aside.
She regarded me carefully, before she suddenly said: "You're fired."

My mouth fell open in shock and Christian looked just as stunned as I was. "What?"
"You heard me, you're fired. I'll call Hans and get him to send me other guardians."
"But..." I had a hard time forming a sentence after the unexpected turn this conversation had just taken.
Vasilisa was calm and collected though. She stood up gracefully and told me: "Go. Find Rose. Do whatever you need to do, but don't come back without her." Then she turned on her heel and walked out of the room, a regal air about her.

I looked at Christian, who was regaining his composure and shrugged his shoulders at my questioning look. "Hey, don't look at me, I'm as surprised as you are. Who could understand the female mind right?"
I half expected to hear Rose's voice from behind me, muttering something about Christian being unable to understand anyone's mind, because that'd require him to have a mind of his own. The fact that the room remained silent reminded me that she really had left, and from the looks of it, that realization really hit Christian as well. He shook his head and gave me a pat on the shoulder. "For what it's worth, I actually think you and Rose would actually be sort of good together."
"Thank you, I guess."I gave him a friendly nod. "I'll go pack my bags. Take care Christian."
"You too, I hope you find her."

I was almost at the door when I heard a chuckle behind me. "You know, I don't think Lissa really thought that one through."
Turning around, I looked at Christian curiously. "What do you mean?"
He rolled his eyes. "Oh come on Dimitri, unfreeze that brain of yours and think. Rose quit, and you've just been fired. Lissa knows you will go after Rose and thinks you will get her to return, but if you think about it, she just took away one of the only reasons you would've had to return to Court."

I thought about his words, understanding dawning on me. At the moment, neither Rose nor I had a charge. Normally, on the rare occasion that a guardian got fired, they'd request a new assignment. However, if I didn't do that, I was free to go wherever I wanted, for as long as I wanted. If I found Rose, we could do anything and go anywhere. We'd be free to live our own life.
I looked at Christian, a slow smile appearing on my face. "You're absolutely right."
"Well of course I am." Then he smirked before adding: "And please, do tell Rose so when you find her."

Within half an hour I was driving out of Court, away from the world I had known all my life but, hopefully, towards Rose.

Author's note: Sooo I'm back again. Half of this story had been sitting in my documents for the past 2.5 months, so I decided to finally do something with it. As you might've noticed, it says part 1 at the top, because it didn't really feel complete to me and I'm considering making it a two-shot. What do you guys think?