Takes place after love fades.

Regrets

DPOV

She sat there, stunned, and then she blurted out. "So that's all I get is it? After everything that happened, that's all you have to say to me?"
I looked down, unable to face her. She was right, I owed her so much more, but I wasn't capable of giving her what she wanted and needed from me anymore. I was too damaged to even consider it. The least I could give her was an apology though. "I'm sorry Rose, for everything I've done to you. I regret hurting you, more than you'll ever know."

She surprised me by laughing in answer, but where her laughter was normally so warm and full of life, it now sounded hollow, and it pierced my heart.
"Regret? Don't talk to me about regret comrade," she said scathingly. "You're not the only one with regrets you know. I regret not being able to save you in those stupid caves and I regret not going back for you."
"Rose..." I tried to interrupt, but she talked over me.
"I regret not finding you sooner, I regret hesitating when you taught me not to. After Novosibirsk, when I first heard about restoration, I regretted staking you. When I got your first letter, I regretted failing, because no matter how much I wanted you to be alive, I knew you didn't want to live like that. I regret not being able to find out how to restore you sooner, and not being able to free you from that state months ago."

I sat there, stunned, incapable of speech. While I knew me being taken would've hurt her, and I assumed the things I'd done to her in Russia had made it impossible for her to ever forgive me, I hadn't really considered that there'd be other things she would regret. It nearly broke me to know that she had been beating herself up over things she had no control over, and some of the things she had done or been willing to do for me, even if they were incredibly difficult and painful for her.
Worse was yet to come though, she wasn't done yet. She continued in a whisper, and I had to strain to hear her words.
"Most of all, I regret coming here today. Because no matter how many things I regret, at least I still had hope. Hope that we'd be okay, that we could work things out, that I hadn't lost you, that you still loved me. And more than anything, I regret losing that."

My heart, which I had thought was frozen and unable to love or even feel anything, had started beating faster while she was talking, little fissures appearing in the middle of her speech and finally shattered into a million tiny pieces at her final words. She stood up and whispered: "Bye comrade," before turning away from me and walking out of the church.

As soon as I watched her disappear through the door, I knew I couldn't let her walk away and leave things like this. I got up and ran after her, not caring about the stares and whispers, or my guards running after me.
I found her near the wards, sitting on the ground, staring into the forest while tears ran down her face. I approached her carefully, but she gave no indication that she knew I was there. "Rose?"
She didn't respond, and the only reason I knew that she heard me was because I could see her stop breathing for a moment.

I folded myself onto the ground beside her and looked in the same direction that she did, seeing nothing but darkness, before fixing my eyes on her face.
"I am so so sorry Roza. I never wanted you to get hurt." I added quietly: "I can't tell you how much I wish you'd never had to go through all this. Perhaps it would've been better if we'd never met. It would've saved you so much pain and regret."
She looked at me in shock. "No Dimitri, don't even think that for a second. I don't regret meeting you. I don't regret going after you either, I'd make that same choice in a heartbeat. And I definitely don't regret loving you. I wouldn't have missed it for the world."
She looked out at the forest again. "I just wish it could've lasted longer. I'll always regret losing you."

I stared at her for a long time, long enough for her tears to dry, and the sky to lighten due to the approaching dawn. She didn't talk, nor look at me, and honestly she didn't need to. When I was restored I was consumed by guilt and pain. I thought everyone, and most of all Rose, would judge me for my actions as harshly as I judged myself. In a way, it had been easy to focus on all the wrongs I'd committed, all the people I'd hurt. If everyone blamed me for what I did, if everyone thought that what I did was unforgivable, I didn't have to deal with my guilt or try and move past it.

If anyone would've asked me if I thought Rose had any regrets, I would've instantly told them that she probably regretted coming after me. How could she not, after everything I'd done to her? I didn't expect her to stand by that decision, to be willing to go through it all again, even when the outcome wasn't what she'd hoped for. And even though she told me several times that there was nothing to forgive, it never really hit home until now. Roza truly didn't blame me for what I did, and it forced me to consider why I did.

"There's many things I regret as well," I said quietly.
"I don't need you to explain why everything that happened in Russia is your fault, because it's not. So don't.. just don't," she muttered.
I took a deep breath and started talking. "I regret being taken by surprise in the caves. I regret not being there for you when you needed me, like I promised I would. I regret allowing others to comfort me after I was restored, while I pushed you away. I regret not listening to you, really listening to what you said, rather than what I thought you should be saying. I regret focussing on what was, on things I couldn't change, when my future was standing right in front of me."
While Rose wasn't looking at me, I could tell she was hanging on my every word. "I also regret giving up. But what I regret most, is lying to you."

That finally made her turn her head to look at me. Pain shot through me at the sad, empty look in her eyes. "You lied to me?"
I nodded. "Yes, I lied. I lied because I thought I was doing the right thing, when really I was just avoiding dealing with my problems. I lied because I was scared. I was, am, a coward Roza."
"No you're not," she said instantly, but I stopped her from continuing by putting my hand on hers.
"Yes I am. Please let me explain, because if I don't tell you now, I'm not sure I ever will."
She nodded and I took a moment to collect my thoughts.

"I know you told me you don't blame me, that there's nothing to forgive, but what if you'd wake up one day in the future and figure out that it really was me who did those things? It was much easier to close myself off from all feelings, to focus on one thing and allow it to take over, than to face the fact that one day you might not want me. I was, am, scared that if I let you near me, one day you'll realize that you're better off without me. Or even worse, we'll both find out that it really was me who did those things, and I'd end up hurting you. I couldn't live with myself if I became like my father Roza."

I stared at the trees in front of us. "You know I blame myself for what I did when I was.. Well you know. And I know you told me over and over again that you had forgiven me, that there was nothing to forgive really, but I couldn't accept that. When I fall asleep I can still see it. See you in that room, in those clothes, waiting for me, never sure if I'd hurt you or bite you or try to turn you. The part that haunts me most is that I liked it. I liked the feeling of power, of complete control over your every move. Every night I wake up, feeling sick to my stomach that I felt that way, that I treated you the way I did."
"But it wasn't you."

She was starting to sound more like her usual self, her words full of conviction. I wish I could believe them as easily as she seemed to.
"But what if it was? What if that controlling part of me is still in there somewhere? You know about my father, perhaps I'm more like him than I ever realized. What if, one day, I want to hurt you?" I questioned.
"You won't," she said stubbornly.
"Rose.."

I felt her hand on the side of my face as she tried to force me to look at her. I turned my head eventually, but I couldn't meet her eyes.
"Dimitri, look at me."
Reluctantly I did, preparing to shift my gaze from hers again immediately, but once I looked into her dark eyes, I couldn't look away. She started talking rapidly. "You won't. You can doubt yourself all you want, but I know you, and I know you would never hurt me like that. It wasn't you Dimitri."
I started to interrupt her, but she shook her head. "The fact that you feel so incredibly guilty about everything you did proves that as well. If you were actually like that, if you liked hurting people, don't you think you'd have a much easier time moving on from it?"

Her words kept running through my mind as I looked at her, trying to come up with an arguement to prove her wrong but not finding any. It always was difficult to argue with her typical Rose-logic. Her eyes kept searching mine and eventually softened a little. "Okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."

She looked away and we sat in silence for a few more minutes before she looked at her watch. She sighed. "I guess I should get going. Will you be okay?"
Sometimes I forgot how incredible she really was. No matter how much my words earlier hurt her, she was still trying to make sure I was going to be alright. "Yes, thank you Roza."
The old nickname made her freeze for a moment, before she hesitantly asked: "What did you lie about by the way?"
"Hmm?" I was confused.
"You said you regretted lieing to me, but what did you lie about?"

I thought back on our conversation, and realized that while I explained why I lied to her, I never actually told her what it was about. I wasn't really sure why. Maybe I thought she knew what I meant, maybe I expected her to figure it out herself, or maybe I had a hard time saying the words. She was looking away from me, her eyes focussed on the ground near her feet. I continued to look at her while I said: "I lied when I said my love had faded."
Her eyes flew up to mine instantly, shock clear on her face. "You... you did?"
"Yes, I did."

Rose didn't say anything, still staring at me in shock, but tears started running down her cheeks. Seeing her cry broke me from the frozen state I was in until that point, and I pulled her closer to me. She buried her face against my chest, and I felt tears on my own appearing in my eyes while I wrapped my arms around her tightly. "I'm so so sorry Roza," I whispered over and over again.
Eventually she calmed down, but she didn't pull away. She only turned her head, making it easier for me to hear her. "Stop saying you're sorry comrade."
"But I am."
"I know. And we already established that we both regret a lot of things we did, so I think we should move on from that."

I leaned back and looked into her eyes. "Do you think we can?"
"Won't know if we don't try." She was quiet for a moment before adding quietly: "I want to try."
I could hear the hidden question in her words, asking me whether I was ready to start moving on, not forgetting my past but not allowing it to define me either. I wasn't quite sure if I would be able to do it, but there was only one way to find out and only one person I wanted to do that with. "I want to try as well. No more regrets?"
A beautiful smile appeared on her face, lighting up her eyes and lightening my heart. "No more regrets."

And then she kissed me. It didn't magically fix everything, but I suddenly felt a lot more confident that we could really do this. Together.

Author's note: Not really sure where this came from, and it starts out a little depressing, but hey, it all worked out. And I love Rose going all wise and Zen on Dimitri. Anyway, I'm always intrigued by different ways Rose could have reacted to Dimitri's words at the church and how it would've affected everything that happened afterwards. I think the main problem is always going to be getting through to Dimitri, and hearing Rose beat herself up is usually bound to get some reaction out of him.

For those of you wondering whether I will continue on one-shots related to the last 2 chapters, I am working on vodka-night, but I'm having some difficulty on some of the parts. I promise it'll come eventually though, but I'm not sure whether it'll be the next post or the one after that.

Have a nice weekend everybody! And as always, I'd be thrilled if you take the time to review.