DPOV

I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing here. If it was upto me I probably wouldn't even be at Court, but I didn't really feel like I had a choice. Hans had called me a couple of days ago and insisted I come and talk to him about the future, whatever that might entail for an ex-Strigoi who had walked away from Court. I was tempted to refuse, but I realized that I had to start doing something at some point and a conversation couldn't hurt.

So I'd booked a flight and flown in yesterday afternoon. Hans and I had talked for hours and while he couldn't consider me for a guardian position at the moment, he hoped that would change in the coming months or years and wanted to know if I'd even be interested in returning to the ranks. In the end I told him that if a position could be found, I'd return, and Hans promised to keep in touch.

I'd called my family as soon as I got back to my room and even though nothing was happening yet and I'd be flying back to Russia later today, they sounded excited at the mere possibility that something would come of it in the future. Honestly, I don't think any of them had expected me to stay in Baia for as long as I did, but once I got there it had been kind of difficult to leave. Not that I'd even really considered it until a few months ago. Up until that point I'd mostly been trying to survive day by day.

It had taken hours and hours of listening to Mama, Karolina, Oksana and even Mark to even start moving past some of the issues I'd been dealing with. At first I'd simply let them talk and tuned them out. None of them understood what had happened to me, so how could they even think they had the right to tell me how to feel? But as they had told me time and time again, things did get better eventually, and instead of long monologues going in one ear and out the other, I started being part of the conversation. Even babushka started talking to me again. And I started to think. And feel.

So I guess that was what brought me here, more than a year after I'd left. It seemed fitting somehow, that what I was doing now was also the last thing I'd done before I left. Back then I'd stared at Rose's door from the end of the hall, arguing with myself whether to go to her and apologize for the words I'd said to her the day before and to tell her goodbye. I hadn't in the end. I just couldn't face her.

Now I was standing at the end of a street fairly close to the palace. After Tatiana retired over the summer and Vasilisa became Queen, Rose had become head of the Royal Guard. The accompanying paycheck had allowed her to move out of the tiny and depressing guardian dorms and she had found herself a small house instead. It was really quite impressive for a guardian, especially one who hadn't even reached her twenties yet. Not that I'd ever expected anything less, I always knew she'd be one of the best.

As I was watching the house, trying to find the courage to knock on the door and talk to Rose, the door suddenly opened and someone stepped out. I moved a couple of steps backwards, disappearing into the shadows of a large tree. Between that and the twilight, it was unlikely whoever it was would be able to see me but I was close enough to see and even hear them.

Whoever it was turned out to be Adrian Ivashkov. I'd heard Rose had broken up with him. When I sneaked out of Court last year I'd heard two guardians talking about the argument they'd overheard the night before. Apparently sometime since Adrian had been able to convince Rose to give him another shot though. Because here he was, leaving her house in the early hours of the morning and the only logical conclusion was that he'd obviously spent the night here.

He turned around and just as I caught my first glimpse of Rose in fifteen months, he pulled her close and wrapped his arms tightly around her, burying his face in her hair. I felt like someone punched me in the gut and I clenched my fists. Perhaps I would've been better off closing my eyes, but I couldn't look away. Thankfully he didn't kiss her but instead released her and took a step back.

"Thanks for last night little dhampir," he said, without any of his usual bravado.
"Anytime. And I'm glad you stayed." Her warm voice wrapped around me and for a moment I felt light and happy, before I remembered that her words weren't meant for me.
"Me too. See you soon?"
"Definitely."

I got my first good look at Rose as she smiled at him and my heart thudded in my chest. She was even more beautiful than I remembered and her smile had always had the ability to make my heart skip a beat, even when I saw it nearly every day. Seeing her now, even from a distance, the desire to hold her hit me like a hurricane. I stayed where I was though and kept listening to her voice. "Later Adrian."

Adrian gave a halfhearted wave and walked away in the direction of Royal housing. Rose watched him go and then suddenly looked around, her gaze lingering on my hiding place. I probably should've stepped out and greeted her, but instead I melted further into the shadows and watched her shake her head before she stepped back inside the house and closed the door behind her. I didn't think she'd seen me but she'd always had the uncanny ability to sense my presence, just like I felt hers. I should probaby leave anyway. I had no reason to be here anymore.

I released the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. No matter what I'd told myself, obviously I did have a reason for coming here. But I'd been wrong to hope. Because the damn drunk had pulled himself together long before I did, and Rose had moved on.

I cursed at myself all the way back to the visitor dorms. Why oh why had it taken me more than a year, a whole year plus then some, to realize that I couldn't live without Roza?

When I returned to Baia I didn't tell anyone what I'd seen. I didn't mention Rose at all, and neither did my family, though I knew at least Mama had hoped I'd go and see her. I fell back into the routine I'd had before. Train, fix some things around the house, look after the kids when necessary, help Mama. Basically nothing had changed, except for babushka, who was once again ignoring me. She only spoke to me once, weeks later while I was sitting on the porch, watching as Zoya and Paul built a snowman. "Hiding in the shadows never changed anything."

I knew she wasn't referring to my location at that time.

So here I was, again, three months later. It took me a while to realize that I needed to come here, and then another month to find the courage to return to Court, and to her house. At some point I had finally understood that it didn't matter whether Rose was with Adrian or not. I wasn't here for me, and I had no expectations this time around.

Rose deserved an apology after what I'd done to her and said to her and after disappearing from Court without a word. Now that I was finally starting to deal with my past, I felt like I owed her an explanation. I knew her well enough to know that if we never met again, there'd always be a part of her that would hurt because of what had happened, and she deserved better. She deserved closure. The fact that she'd moved on didn't change her actions in saving my life, nor did it change how I had treated her afterwards.

I arrived a little later than I had done last time, Hans having informed me that it was Rose's day off. I'd even taken a detour on my way here to pick up a couple of donuts at the bakery. I hoped she still liked them and would consider them a peace offering of sorts.

I took a deep breath and walked up the path leading to the front door, knocking as soon as I reached it. I heard her voice before she reached the door, and even as she opened it she was still talking to someone, looking back in the direction she'd come from. Then she turned around and her eyes widened in shock, a half smile still on her face, thought it soon disappeared. I was unable to tear my eyes away from her, drinking in her features after having gone so long without seeing her up close.

After several long moments of simply staring at eachother I finally managed to shake myself out of my stupor and tried to smile at her. "Rose."
She regarded me carefully, a wary look in her eyes I'd never seen before. "Dimitri."
Before either of us could say anything else a man showed up behind her.

Not Adrian.

I had to look twice before I finally recognized him as Edison Castile, one of Rose's best friends. I was a little relieved until my mind registered the fact that his clothes looked wrinkled, like they'd already been worn the day before and then spent the night on the floor. He was leaving Rose's house, in the morning, without a bag, in the clothes he'd worn yesterday. I made an effort to ignore the envy I felt. It didn't matter anymore. I wasn't here for another chance and I just wanted Rose to be happy. Eddie would take good care of her.

He seemed to recognize the understanding that must've appeared on my face, because he greeted me with a wicked smile. "Belikov. I had no clue you were back."
I nodded in answer. "Castile. It's good to see you again." To my relief my voice sounded steady, though I felt anything but.
"Same to you." He turned to Rose. "I gotta go or I'll be late again. Call you tonight?"
She finally tore her eyes away from me and looked at him. "Uhm, yeah sure."
He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Thanks for a great night babe." Then he turned to me and added: "See you around."

I must've answered something, though for the life of me I had no clue what words made their way out of my mouth. Rose rolled her eyes and called after him: "Try and behave yourself today Castile!"
"I will if you do!"
"I always do!"
"Liar!"
I took a deep breath to calm myself. It was one thing for them to be happy, it was quite another to bicker like an old married couple right in front of me. It was a bit much to handle.

Rose seemed to remember I was here and looked me over. When her eyes reached mine I thought I saw a glimpse of pain but it was quickly hidden by her guardian mask. "Why are you here?"
"I would like to talk to you, if that's alright with you."
She raised both her eyebrows. "Really? Now you care whether something is alright with me?"

This meeting really wasn't off to a good start but I couldn't leave without doing, or at least trying to do, what I came here for. "It won't take long Rose. Please?"
She was quiet for a while. She seemed to be chewing on the inside of her cheek and she looked at me with narrowed eyes. I had no idea what she was thinking, her face gave nothing away, but eventually she came to a decision. She stepped back into the house. "Come on in then. I'd rather not stand in the cold if I don't have to."
"Thank you."

I followed her through the hallway and into the kitchen. Rose picked up a mug of what looked like tea before leaning against the counter. She didn't offer me anything. I set the box of donuts down and noticed her leaning away from me. I quickly stepped away, giving her plenty of space. "I brought you donuts."
"Right." She glanced at the box before her eyes turned back to me. "So what do you want?"

Rose was never one to beat around the bush, but this was direct even by her standards. The tension and even hostility radiating from her were like nothing I'd ever felt from her before. There was no use in avoiding the subject though, I did tell her it wouldn't take long. "I'm sorry."
Her brow furrowed and her eyes narrowed. "You came to tell me you're sorry?" I could hear the disbelief in her voice.
I nodded. "I know it in no way makes up for what I did to you, what I put you through, but I just..," I ran my hand through my hair. "I really am sorry Rose. For hurting you, for refusing to see you, for saying what I did, for leaving without a word. For everything I ever did to hurt you."

Her mouth fell open in shock and she nearly dropped the mug she was holding. She quickly put it down, got a hold of herself and said: "Right. Well, you've said what you needed to then. Apology accepted. You can go back to Russia and forget any of it ever happened."
It wasn't exactly difficult to understand that those words were anything but true. "I'd like to explain why I acted the way I did."
She crossed her arms over her chest. "To be honest Dimitri, I don't really care. It's happened, you apologized, case closed."
"Rose.."
She talked over me like I hadn't said a word. "You should get going anyway. I need to leave soon, I've got a meeting."

I knew it was an excuse to get rid of me, and Rose knew I knew. Her eyes, her expression, her posture, everything about her was challenging me to argue, to call her out on it, but I didn't. Rose had every right to refuse to talk to me. I had tried too often to push my opinions and decisions on her, and if she wanted me to leave, that's what I'd do. This was likely the last time I'd see her though, and I couldn't leave without reaching out to her one last time.

I took a few steps until I was right in front of her. She looked up at me, taken aback by my approach. I smiled at her, trying to ignore the sadness I felt and her eyes widened. For the first time since she'd opened the door, her guardian mask slipped and I could see the hurt and heartache she had been hiding so well, the damage I had done. My smile dropped.

I raised my hand and briefly, carefully, put it on her cheek. "Be happy Roza. You deserve it." Then I dropped my hand and walked away.

After I'd left Rose's house yesterday, I returned to my guestroom and stayed there, not even leaving for dinner. I would've liked to say that at least I got some rest, but the little sleep I'd gotten last night had been filled with nightmares. Rose leaving. Me walking away from her. Me telling her over and over again to leave me alone, that my love for her had faded. After that last one I'd spent the rest of the night awake, questioning myself whether I'd made the right decision in walking away yesterday. I'd fallen asleep again near sunset, but it hadn't been for long.

As soon as I woke up, I got dressed and headed out. I needed some coffee, and I needed to get away from the nightmares that still seemed to be lingering in the room. I crossed the lobby, keeping my eyes focussed on the door, hoping nobody would stop me for a chat.
"So about that explanation..."

I spun around so quickly my eyes had a hard time catching up. Rose was leaning against the wall, still looking wary but without the anger that had radiated from her yesterday. "Rose. I didn't expect to see you. How did you know where to find me?"
"Right, who would expect a visitor to stay in guest housing?" She rolled her eyes. "It's not exactly rocket science you know. Besides, I can easily check information on any visitors with my security clearance. Gotta keep Liss safe and all that."
"And you think I'm a threat?" I raised an eyebrow.
She shrugged. "Not really," then muttered: "Unless it's to my sanity. Which I suppose indirectly could be a threat to Lissa."

I took a better look at her. She looked as tired as I was and if I had to guess, I'd say she didn't sleep more than I did. When she noticed me observing her she crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me. "Forget I said that. So, explain?"
I looked around the busy lobby and then back at her. "Would you mind going somewhere else? I'd prefer to talk somewhere more private."
Rose pushed away from the wall and walked right past me. "Fine, I suppose we could go for a walk."

We picked up some coffee-to-go first, or hot chocolate in Rose's case. Then I followed her to a quiet area of Court and we sat down. It was cold outside, but we were both wearing warm jackets and the hot drinks helped as well. At least it was unlikely anybody would come here today and would overhear our conversation.
A part of me was thrilled that she'd come to see me, but I couldn't deny that I was apprehensive as well. I wondered why she was willing to listen now when she had refused to hear another word yesterday.

I decided to just ask her. "Why did you change your mind?"
She blew out her cheeks and then sighed. "Not sure really. I was just so.. pissed off when you showed up out of the blue yesterday. You disappeared, never contacted anyone, you could've been dead for all I knew. Then suddenly you're on my doorstep, bringing me donuts and telling me you're sorry. I didn't want to deal with it, with you."
I looked at her in shock. "Did you think I was dead?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I couldn't exactly rule it out."

I'd never even considered that she might've come to that conclusion after I vanished. To be fair, I didn't really consider anything when I left. "I'm sorry Rose."
"So you keep telling me. But why Dimitri? Why leave? You didn't leave a note, you didn't call, you just up and left."
I took a moment to collect my thoughts but Rose tapped her foot impatiently. "You told me you'd explain."

A knot had appeared in my stomach. This was it. I'd only get one chance at this conversation and I prayed to God I'd get it right.

"When I left I thought it was best for everyone involved. You and Vasilisa both had promising futures and you didn't need me there to complicate matters, I'd already done more than enough damage to your career. And nobody else wanted me here anyway, the royals and the guardians had no idea what to do with me and prefered not to see me at all. So I figured if I left, you could both move on and everyone could forget I even existed."

She took her time to take in my words. "That's it? Cause honestly, it sounds like a load of crap. You knew I.. we wouldn't just forget."
"No it's not. I.." I took a deep breath. "I couldn't be around you Rose. I knew it was wrong to treat you the way I did, but I was scared. Of who I was, of hurting you more, of returning to..." I shook my head. "I couldn't deal with it so I ran away. And I did really think it would be better for you if I wasn't here. But I shouldn't have gone about it the way I did. I should've talked to you."
"You did talk to me, in church. I could've done without that conversation actually." Her words stung but her voice lacked the heat it'd held earlier. She just sounded wistful, and tired. My heart broke. Sadness was not an emotion I used to associate with Rose.

"Me too." She looked up at me in surprise. "I only said what I did because I knew you meant it, you weren't going to give up on me. I could see how much I hurt you and I wish I hadn't done it. What I said had nothing to do with my feelings for you."
I didn't clarify that I had loved her then and for that matter, still loved her to this day. I wouldn't lie if she asked, but I didn't want her to think that that was my reason for apologizing. I wanted to give her closure, not more complications.
In a whisper I added: "I really am sorry Roza."

Rose looked off into the distance for a while before turning back to me. "It's okay. Really. I'm not saying you didn't hurt me, but I guess I get it. You told me to leave you alone tons of times and I didn't listen. So I'm sorry too."
One side of her mouth lifted into a half smile and I felt myself smiling back. "It wasn't your fault."
"The part where I pressured you kind of was. It doesn't matter anymore though, it's all in the past."

She sounded sincere and when I looked into her eyes I could tell she meant it. I studied her. "You changed."
"Way to give a girl a compliment," she deadpanned.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way. But you did. You're more.. thoughtful."
She chuckled. "You're not really making it any better Dimitri. I suppose thoughtful isn't a bad trait for the Queen's guardian though. I guess, against all odds, I finally grew up." As an afterthought she added: "Please don't tell Stan."

I couldn't help but laugh, and so did she. The last bit of remaining tension disappeared and for a while we just talked about normal things. How Lissa was doing as Queen, the last prank Christian had tried to pull on Rose which had, literally, backfired, my mother's cooking, the trouble Paul got into at school. It felt good. No matter how much I loved Rose, I also missed her as my friend. Talking to her reminded me of easier times, mornings in the gym, runs on the track, the occasional walk around school grounds.

Neither of us brought up any romantic relationships, not that I'd have anything to tell. Eventually I couldn't contain my curiousity and I asked: "Rose? Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Are you happy? With Eddie?"
She looked at me, confusion clear on her face. "Eddie? What do you mean?"
I hesitated but figured I might as well get it over with now that the question was out there anyway. "Well, I assumed you were together... You know, after seeing him at your place yesterday?"

Her eyes widened in understanding, surprise and something else. And then she started laughing. Really laughing. I had a feeling she was laughing at me, but I couldn't help but enjoy her amusement. There was just something amazing about Rose's laugh, the way her whole face lit up, the sparkle in her eyes. It took a couple of minutes but eventually she regained some control, though she didn't stop chuckling. "You thought I was with Eddie? Like.. Eddie, Eddie? Eddie Castile?"
"What else was I supposed to think? He thanked you for a great night and called you babe."

She met my eye and some of her amusement melted away. For a moment she looked confused again, then her eyes softened considerably. "We played some videogames, then watched the worst horror movie ever. It was so incredibly boring that he fell asleep on the sofa." Then she chuckled again. "And I'm pretty sure he said babe just to annoy you. He's not your biggest fan."
I looked down. "That's understandable."
Her only answer was a quiet: "Hmm." I wasn't quite sure if she was agreeing or disagreeing with me.

"What about you? Met anyone to keep you warm during the cold Siberian winter?" I looked up but she was looking straight ahead, her face blank and her voice detached.
"No."
"Why not?" She sounded less indifferent and more curious now.
I considered my answer for a moment before deciding on full honesty. "Because I already found who I was looking for a long time ago Roza. I didn't leave to find someone new, I left because I needed to learn how to deal with what I did, to forgive myself."

I probably should've reminded myself that I wasn't here to win Rose back. It wasn't fair to expect her to allow me back in her life, or to question her about anything romantic. But the longer this conversation lasted, the more my barriers seemed to go down, and by now they seemed to have disappeared completely. I felt more alive and more like myself than at any other time since my restoration. And I wanted to know as much as possible about Roza's life, so I didnt stop myself but asked: "What about Adrian?"

She turned back to me, her eyebrows raised. "What about Adrian? We broke up around the time you left."
I looked at my feet. "I saw him leaving your house a couple of months ago, early in the morning."
"That's not possi..." she went quiet and then exclaimed: "Wait, you were there?!"
I nodded silently. Then she asked: "You were under that tree weren't you?"
"Yes."

For a moment all was quiet and then she slapped me, hard. I didn't see it coming because I'd still been looking down, but I immediately snapped my head up and was just in time to stop her hand from reaching my face a second time. "Rose!"
"What the hell Dimitri! You were there? You were at Court months ago? You were at my house months ago? Why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you come out of the damn shadow and I don't know, talk to me?!" She was yelling at me and I didn't think I'd ever seen her this angry before.

I jumped up and took a couple of steps away from her, not losing sight of her for a moment to make sure she wouldn't attack me again. "I was only here for a day, Hans wanted to talk to me. I was coming to see you but then I saw Adrian and..."
"And you left. Without saying anything. Again!" Rose had gotten up as well and advanced on me.
I hadn't really considered she'd see it that way, but of course she was right. I held up my hands. "Yes."
"Why?!"

I took another step back, trying to keep some distance between us. "Because seeing Adrian there hurt. Because I was there for all the wrong reasons."
"So you're here for all the right reasons this time?" she asked scathingly.
"I.. yes, I think so. I just wanted to talk to you, to give you closure. I want you to be happy."
She snorted. "Right. What about the wrong reasons then? You didn't want me to be happy then?"
I finally lost my already tenuous grip on my emotions and my own temper flared. "Damnit Rose, I just wanted you to be happy with me!"

My outburst didn't calm her down in the slightest. "And Adrian being there stopped you? I knew you gave up easily but that's pathetic even by your standards!"
I froze. "It had nothing to do with giving up."
"It had everything, everything, to do with giving up. You always do! Because I was your student, or because I was acting immature, or because it would damage your career, or because you couldn't be around me, or apparently because Adrian was there. You always give up on me!"

While Rose was yelling at me and I had frozen, she had finally managed to reach me and accompanied her final words with several punches to my chest, tears running down her cheeks. While I was still shocked, I managed to regain my ability to move and caught her fists in my hands, holding them tightly so she couldn't do any more damage. She glared at me but for once, I didn't look away or move a muscle.

Until I lost control of myself and abruptly pulled her against me and crushed her lips to mine.

She didn't respond at first, but soon her lips pressed back against mine. I released her hands and buried mine in her hair, holding her in place. In return I felt one of her hands on my chest and the other arm wrapped around my waist, pulling my body closer to hers. She ran her tongue over my bottom lip and I responded eagerly, deepening the kiss.

Eventually the heat left us and we both calmed down. The kiss turned soft and gentle and then I pulled away, gasping for breath. I wasn't ready to release her though and wrapped my arms around her, holding her against my chest. She melted against me willingly. I buried my face in her hair, taking deep slow breaths to slow my racing heartbeat. "I'm sorry," I whispered in her ear.
"For kissing me? I swear to God comrade, if you say yes, I'll kill you."

I didn't answer immediately, I was too stunned by her use of my old nickname. I kept my arms around her but pulled back far enough to look at her in wonder. She looked back at me and eventually seemed to get worried by my lack of response. "Dimitri? You're not sorry about that are you?"
I shook my head and then smiled. "You called me comrade."
"Erm yes, like I've done a thousand times before." She looked at me like I'd gone crazy. Maybe I had.
"I missed it." I gave her another quick kiss and added in a whisper: "I missed you."

It felt like a long time before she answered: "I missed you too."

We went back to Rose's house soon after, spending hours talking about what had been happening in our lives during the past year and a half. Rose got angry at me a couple more times when we talked about the way I left, but we kissed and made up every time. Life could definitely be worse. It had been a lot worse, for both of us.

It was nearly sunrise when I remembered the question which had started our fight this morning. "Roza?"
"Hmm?" She was sitting beside me, tugged under my arm, her head resting against my shoulder.
"You never told me what Adrian was doing here that day."
She sat up, pushing away from me and turning around to face me fully. "You really want to know?"
I ran my fingers through the hair that was falling down her shoulder. "Only if you want to tell me. It's fine if you don't."

She looked into my eyes and then a slow smile crept unto her face. "Sure, it's not all that interesting though. He has feelings for this friend of mine, and she turned him down the night before. I ran into him when he was staggering out of a bar, completely wasted, and since my house was a lot closer than his apartment I brought him here. I got him some water and I listened to him spill his guts. Then I offered him the spare room to sleep it off."

She was right, that didn't sound particularly interesting, or even that out of character for Adrian. "Did he manage to work things out with her?"
"Nah, but he's still trying. Probably a bad idea, she's even more unacceptable than I was. His father will probably disown him if he ever gets her to date him."
I raised one of my brows. "Another dhampir?"
Rose chuckled and it soon evolved into a full laugh. "Nope. An Alchemist."

I was sure my mouth was hanging open. Poor guy.

Author's note: So this is by far the longest oneshot I've written. I was about 80% done when I considered that I probably could've made it into a short multi-chapter story instead and added some more depth and details, but decided to leave it the way it was.

This story was somewhat inspired by a Hunger Games fic I read (Trying to get it right by sponsormusings) as well as by a guest who wanted to read something with a jealous Dimitri. After reading the fic I wondered what would've happened if Rose or Dimitri ran off and came back a long time later to apologize and explain, no strings attached, simply because they realized they'd hurt the other. And well.. I really prefer DPOV, so that's why Dimitri ended up facing some painful truths.

Hope you guys enjoyed!