A/n- *looks at date of last post, sighs in adulting*

Season 4 has so many good moments, and lots of angst material. So here is some Kai late night introspection on the day's events after he destroyed Chen's staff.

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Kai stared out over the dark ocean. Fine tremors wracked his arms, palpable even as he tightly hugged his knees to his chest. Despite his joy at seeing Zane again, the weight of the day's events drove him to the little alcove at the top of one of the fortress's towers as soon as he could slip away from the planning.

Skylor was gone. And weren't there some conflicting emotions ranging from betrayal to attraction, and now fear with her being held captive by her own father.

Nya had almost died today, multiple times while at one point he walked away from her. The outrage and fear on her face as she pleaded with him to come to his senses. (Never mind that he was trying to save her. Never mind the spike of pain that drove through his heart that she genuinely believed he'd let her die a gruesome death by serpent when he raised her and had nearly traveled to the Underworld to save her. But yes, probably not his best plan ever.) Let alone everyone else he cared about also almost dying- or forced into slavery.

And Lloyd . . . Kai had hurt Lloyd. Granted he might not have been the one to leave the bruises that dotted Lloyd's head and torso, but he was the one that lured Lloyd into Chen's trap. He was the one that spewed poison about his younger brother's already emotionally and mentally difficult position. Who reopened wounds of how Lloyd fit into their ramshackle family and Kai's acceptance of who- not what- Lloyd was.

Kai groaned. So not the sibling of the century.

Phantom surges of power ran through Kai's veins. He shook again. In a way he could see Chen's obsession with gathering the elements. The fire within had become as much a part of him as breathing. Losing it, even for a short spurt today left a deep ache in his chest. To be able to use so many other elements, even vicariously through the staff ripped a scab off a wound Kai had thought closed long ago. The fact that he'd let the power overtake him, even for those few minutes scared him more than he wanted to admit. That and a small part of him still reveled in it.

Instead of Chen being the one to almost kill his family, it had nearly been Kai.

Moisture prickled in Kai's eyes and he swiped at them angrily. He didn't deserve his own tears at how he acted. At how he treated his family.

Lloyd's shocked face, two times over, flashed in Kai's mind. Even that didn't sting as much as the flash of fear Kai had seen when he whirled on Lloyd after pronouncing his desire for power over the Green Ninja. Kai had triggered some of Lloyd's oldest and sharpest fears.

Nausea threatened to make what little remained in Kai's stomach reappear. Taking a deep breath Kai tried to force his stomach to settle.

Sometime later Kai heard footsteps behind him. Remembering Chen and most of his minions were still at large, and that Kai hadn't exactly told anyone where he was going, he leapt to his feet. Fire blazed in his hands as he whirled on the figure.

"Easy Kai, it's just me." It took several seconds to register the voice as Sensei Garmadon.

Hastily Kai snuffed his flames. "Sorry Sensei, I didn't know. . ." Kai's voice trailed off.

"It was a perfectly reasonable reaction given our current circumstances."

That still didn't make Kai's raging guilt any less present. Then he realized, "What are you doing up here? Is something wrong?" Kai assumed he would have heard Chen's forces were attacking the compound, but he had to admit he had been deep in his own thoughts.

Garmadon waved a hand. "Everything's quiet for now. I came looking for you." He walked over and sat next to Kai.

Nausea returned to Kai in full force. "I needed some space. . . and I didn't think the others would want to be around me right now."

"No?"

"Well yeah, after all I did to them today. I'm surprised you're talking to me right now."

Garmadon scoffed, "I'm hardly one to talk."

Heat rose in Kai's face at the realization. It'd only been a year or so since the Great Devourer's venom had been purged from Garmadon's body. Each of them had been injured in some way by him (or when he'd been possessed by the Overlord) so if anyone understood, it would be Garmadon.

"I hurt them, Sensei. And when I held the staff, I- I wanted it. If the others hadn't shown up when they did, I might have kept the staff."

"Are you holding it right now?"

Kai inhaled sharply. "No, but I did-"

"You stopped. Not everyone is able, even with friends' intervention." He gave a self deprecating smile. Still, Kai didn't feel comforted. That must have shown on his face because Garmadon continued, "This is exactly why you aren't alone, Kai. And why my brother trained you and the other boys as a team. All of us have times where we're pulled too deeply into webs, be them of our own making or others, and we need friends or family to help pull us out. You'll remember it was Lloyd's intervention that restored me. There's no shame in needing help, especially once you saw how your actions impacted your brothers and sister."

"And you." Kai winced. "I'm sorry for how I left you and Nya in the snake's chamber."

"Apology accepted."

Kai blinked, surprised at Garmadon's easy acceptance despite the flow of their conversation.

"You made a mistake and owned up to it. Holding it against you would only cause division. I can't say what the others' responses will be, but you know them well enough that even if it may take some time they wouldn't want you to barricade yourself away from them." Garmadon fixed Kai in a penetrating stare before it softened. "Regardless, I don't recommend remaining here much longer. We have many enemies still lurking in the shadows." With a final nod Garmadon rose and descended back down into the compound.

Kai let out a slow breath. Garmadon was right, as usual. Best to swallow his pride and get it done rather than agonize over it. Taking a deep breath Kai stood and descended onto the main level of the compound. Despite the late hour the place still blazed with lights. The murmur of voices echoed from the dining room. Kai cringed. He really didn't want to have this conversation, let alone in front of the other masters that didn't exactly need to see their team dynamics.

The door to the dining hall opened. Lloyd walked out with Garmadon. Kai raised an eyebrow, that was convenient timing. Garmadon caught sight of Kai and gave an approving nod. He said something to Lloyd and disappeared down the hall. Lloyd looked at Kai, a slight tensing in his shoulders that Kai wouldn't have noticed if he weren't paying close attention.

Trying to not let that sting- he deserved that- Kai sighed. "I'm sorry Lloyd. I am so, so sorry that I tricked you like that. . . and that I let jealousy take control. You are the Green Ninja, Lloyd. More than that you're my little brother. I- I don't-" Kai grit his teeth and tried to gather his thoughts. "I am proud of you Lloyd. Of who you've become. And I don't want to rip that away from you by my moment of weakness. I'm sorry I let myself be blinded by the staff. I hope you'll be able to forgive me for. . . all of today."

Lloyd was quiet for a minute. "I've had a lot of people in my life who used me for their own purposes." Kai winced again. "I know you were trying to protect me, in your own way, but honestly I thought Clouse had spelled you or something. At least I hoped. . ." Lloyd shook his head. "I accept your apology. Besides, you came through and gave us all back our powers. So in a way your plan worked."

"Still, I don't want to do that again."

Lloyd smiled thinly. "I'd appreciate that."

Sighing, Kai ran a hand through his hair. "I need to find Nya and apologize to her too. I didn't handle much well today."

Instead of taking the opening to dig at Kai, Lloyd gestured to the stairs, "She went up already. I'm not sure what room she's planning on bunking in. . . or if any of us will sleep much tonight."

Normally in a situation like this she'd bunk in Kai's, but given the circumstances Kai could see Nya looking for an alternative option.

"Thanks, I'll go look. You get some rest if you can."

"You too."

Kai scoffed. "No promises."

With a final nod Kai started upstairs. He checked Garmadon and Lloyd's room first, mildly surprised not to find Nya there. Continuing down the hall Kai saw his own door ajar. Through the crack in the doorway he saw the top of Nya's head sitting by the fireplace. Steeling himself Kai pushed his way into the room.

Nya started and rose to a crouch before seeing Kai. She eyed him for a moment before sitting on the hearth. Her back pointedly toward Kai. "Your room is the warmest."

Sighing Kai joined her on the floor. He refused to cringe when Nya didn't look at him. "I'm sorry Nya. I know I didn't handle today well and I'm sorry you got hurt in the process."

"Did you even have a plan? Winking at Garmadon and me meant nothing when you walked away from us." Nya rubbed at her wrists, chafing noticeable from fighting the shackles that had held her to the post. "How did you think we'd escape?"

To be honest Kai didn't have much of one, just that he assumed Garmadon would have something up his sleeve. Literally in this case.

"The snake was circling us, ready to attack when the other masters broke down the walls." Nya spoke dispassionately. That more than the anger Kai was expecting made Kai want to run back and kick his past self.

"I'm sorry Nya. I know that's not enough but I didn't think it'd come that close."

Nya shook her head, still staring into the flames away from Kai. "I get that what we do is dangerous, and I know it could cost our lives. Look at Zane- well maybe that's a bad example, but you know what I mean. I just never want to think you, or any of the others, are complicit whatever is going on. I know- I know- you love me and don't want me hurt, but in that moment I didn't know if I could trust you."

"I'm sorry." Kai didn't know what else to say, he didn't have anything else he could say.

"I know." Nya turned to face Kai, her eyes red in a way that Kai knew wasn't just the firelight's reflection. "Just don't do it again."

Wrapping his sister in a hug, Kai resolutely shook his head. "Not going to, I promise."