Carolina in my mind
Chapter 28
Carolina took a deep breath, her hand lingering near the dingy curtain hanging up in the doorway of Daryl's cell. Sunlight was just starting to peek over the edge of the prison's high windows, allowing her enough light to see clearly inside the dim space. After she cleaned herself up, Carolina spent the rest of her night pacing back and forth in the guard tower working up what she hoped was an acceptable apology. She was sincerely sorry. The last thing she ever intended to do was hurt Daryl's feelings. He'd been hurt enough in his life. The problem was, Carolina had no idea what to say to make things better. She'd never liked a guy enough to even bother apologizing for her bullshit. If another man made a fool of himself in the way Daryl did and then stormed out, she simply would have stopped returning his phone calls.
It happens to lots of guys. No, that was the absolute worst most cliche thing to say. Don't worry, I took it as a compliment. That was true at least. She was glad Daryl was that into her. But she wasn't sure how that would go over. And also, it wasn't much of an apology. It sounded more like she was forgiving him. And he really didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. That wasn't horrible. It was simple and to the point. But Carolina wasn't sure if Daryl even wanted to admit he even had feelings, let alone have someone imply that they were hurt. Making him feel like he was anything other than extra manly might make the situation worse. I'm sorry and in lue of a formal apology I'm willing to blow you. Carolina felt the giggles bubbling back up inside her. At least if she had to blow Daryl to get him to forgive her, it wouldn't take long. Carolina fought back her laughter, only letting a tiny snort escape. She actually felt terrible for hurting Daryl's feelings. But that didn't stop her from wanting to start laughing all over again every time she thought about what happened. I'm sorry I'm a horse's ass and I have a terrible habit of laughing at the worst, most inopportune moments. After pacing all night and smoking what remained of her cigarettes, that was what she finally came up with. If Daryl didn't tell her to fuck off, she thought maybe she'd ask him if they could start over.
Carolina's hand was trembling as she lifted it, pulling the curtain back as quietly as she could. She'd been standing outside Daryl's cell for a while, working up the nerve to speak to him. When she finally pulled the curtain back and peeked her head inside, she almost started laughing all over again. Daryl's cell was empty. He wasn't even in there. She worked herself up into a complete fucking tizzy for no reason at all.
The slight noise of the curtain alerted the tiny kitten she'd rescued from Morgan's walker trap. Despite Carl's best efforts to befriend the animal, the kitten had taken to sleeping in Daryl's room. And probably shitting in there too, based on the way it smelled. The small fluff of a kitten rose up onto its tiny paws, arching its back and stretching as it yawned itself awake.
"He left."
Carolina's body went stiff at the sudden unexpected voice. She turned, offering Maggie a half hearted smile.
"Daryl left before the sun was up," Maggie told her. "He said he was going hunting." Carolina nodded.
"I'm not looking for him," Carolina lied. "I'm looking for my cat." She pointed into Daryl's cell, pulling the curtain back so Maggie could see the tiny kitten peeking out at them from Daryl's top bunk. Along with a view of the cat, Maggie also got a strong whiff of whatever was rotting inside Daryl's cell. She wrinkled up her nose and took a few quick steps backwards.
"Whew, something really stinks."
The rank odor of Daryl's cell was enough to send Maggie packing without any further conversation. Carolina was grateful for that. She liked Maggie. But her nerves were shot and she was dead tired. Now that her plan to make things right with Daryl was officially derailed, she had no interest in doing anything other than flopping down in her own bed and sleeping like she was as dead as the walking corpses outside. Carolina took a deep breath before ducking into Daryl's cell and reaching for her kitten. Her bed wouldn't feel as empty if she had her little fluffy kitty to snuggle with. And Merle was gone. So no one would object to her having an animal on the bed. Carolina lifted the kitten off Daryl's bunk. But it had its claws locked into the pillow it was sleeping on. Carolina reached under the tiny creature, releasing its grip as gently as she could. As the pillow dropped back onto the bunk, she heard a suspicious rattling sound. Carolina lifted the pillow by the corner and shook it slightly, raising her brow when the bottle of valium Daryl borrowed from her a few nights ago rolled out onto the bunk.
"I'll be taking this back!," she chirped, snatching the bottle up.
Stuffing the pill bottle into her pants pocket, Carolina cuddled the kitten against her chest and headed out of Daryl's cell and into hers. Her clothes and personal items were strewn about on the top bunk, making a sharp contrast to the neatly folded pile of clothes that were arranged on the chair in the corner. Carolina knew they dug a hole in the prison yard and buried Merle. But she'd been too overwrought with emotion to stick around and watch it happen. She realized now that someone, possibly Daryl, must have removed his arm piece before they put him in the ground. Because it was sitting on top of the pile of his clothes in the corner of her cell.
The sight of it hit her like a hard punch straight to the center of her chest. She gulped, gasping and struggling for air. Carolina lowered herself down onto the bunk, setting the kitten down as gently as she could beside her before she braced her elbows on her knees and put her face in her hands. This is why she didn't let herself get attached to people. She didn't allow herself that luxury even in the real world. And it had been exponentially stupid to do it here, where people's lives could be snatched up at a moment's notice. And now just look at me, Carolina thought, sitting here having a panic attack and crying over Merle fucking Dixon.
"Fuck every single bit of this shit," Carolina huffed. Digging into her pocket, she pulled out the bottle of anxiety medication she'd reclaimed from Daryl's pillowcase. Her hands were shaking so badly it took her a few tries to twist the cap off. She over dumped the bottle, filling her palm with a small mound of the little round pills. Carolina briefly considered tossing the whole lot down her throat in the hopes that she might wake up back in her apartment. But after a moment's indecision she dumped all but two back into the bottle. Tossing them into her mouth, she twisted the cap back on and stuck the bottle under her pillow. She rose from the bunk, heading across the room and grabbing a bottle of water to wash the pills down her dry, swollen throat.
Carolina stared at the small neat pile of Merle's things. Holding her hand down on top of the pile to keep from disturbing the whole thing, she grasped the corner of his undershirt and slid it out from between his pants and shirt. Carolina shed her own clothes, removing everything but her panties and pulling the stained white tank top over her head. Then she headed for bed. Her little feline companion was more than happy to cuddle up under the thin cotton sheet with her. And Carolina concentrated on the sound of its little purr motor as she waited for her pills to kick in. Her heart rate and breathing slowly returned to normal, replacing her panic and heartbreak with the euphoric feeling of weightlessness.
Carolina wasn't sure how long she stayed in bed. She could remember getting up a few times to relieve herself and drink some water. Or at least enough to wash down another round of pills. There were soft voices, both inside and outside her cell. She was sure that Carol and Lori came in at least once and tried to convince her to eat something. Carolina ignored them, pulling the sheet tighter around her body. When they retreated, leaving her dinner behind, she took another pill. It was the clipped sharp tones of Rick's voice that finally cut through the fog in her mind.
"That's her shit man. I don't think it's right to just go in there and take it."
It took Carolina a moment to recognize the voice of the more gentle sounding man as Glenn. He was outside her cell. Or maybe outside the one next to hers, the one with all the shit from Morgan's bunker in it.
"It's not her shit. It's Merle's shit. And I traded it to him because he said he could kill the governor. That didn't happen."
Carolina rolled her eyes. That was Rick's voice for sure. She could hear the righteous indignation in his tone.
"I don't know man, Daryl's not gonna like this."
That was a third voice she hadn't heard yet. She wasn't sure who. If she had to guess she'd say it was T-Dog.
"She doesn't need all this," Rick insisted. "...and she's not one of us."
Carolina rolled away from the wall and onto her back. She was actually starting to get irritated. Not only was Rick talking shit loud enough to disturb her sleep, he was being a total asshole to boot. Not one of them my ass, she thought. She put her fucking neck on the block right along with the rest of them when the governor attacked the prison. Rick just had a problem with her because of her affiliation with Merle.
"She saved Lori's life like three different times," Glenn argued. "She's earned her place."
Thank you Glenn, Carolina thought. Tossing the sheet back, she rolled herself off her bunk in a huff and stood up. She was still dressed in just her underpants and Merle's stained wifebeater. But at the moment, she was too pissed off to care. Her head spun and she had to brace herself with her hand on the top bunk. Glancing down at her feet, Carolina saw quite a few uneaten plates of food. She cringed a little, wondering just how long she'd been lying on that bunk feeling sorry for herself.
Carolina jerked the curtain back, making all three men jump and startle. She was right about who the voices belonged to. Glenn and T-Dog were facing off with Rick. And from their facial expressions, Carolina guessed she looked more wrecked than she imagined. She knew she was half dressed and her hair probably looked like a bird nest. But the way they were looking at her, she guessed she looked worse than just a little sleep rumbled.
"Would you mind shutting the fuck up or taking your bullshit somewhere else?," Carolina huffed. "I'm trying to sleep." Rick stuttered and stammered, unsure of what to say now that he actually had to address her face to face instead of talking shit like she couldn't hear him. Carolina glanced towards the cell that was stocked with supplies and weapons. They cleared so many storage bunkers out. She had no idea why Rick even gave a shit about the things they took from Morgan's bunker. It's not like they were hard up for supplies and food. Not yet anyway. It was likely that he was just being a controlling dick and throwing his weight around now that Merle was gone.
"I don't give a flying fuck about any of that stuff," Carolina announced, pointing towards the other cell. "You can have whatever you want from in there, Rick. All you had to do was ask." She looked Rick up and down, the color rising in her cheeks until it was standing out in one red blotch on either cheek. "Asshole!," she added, spitting the word at him before she snatched her curtain closed and stomped back towards her bunk.
Carolina reached under her pillow, feeling around for the bottle of pills she stashed there. She came up empty handed. Carolina lifted her pillow completely off the bed, and shook it. But the bottle was still missing. She leaned forward, trying to peek under the bed and see if maybe the bottle slipped off the bunk while she was sleeping.
A loud rattle stopped her intense search. "Looking for something?," Michonne asked, holding up the pills she'd taken from under Carolina's pillow and shaking the bottle around. Carolina was unaware that the woman was even in her room. And she turned to face her with a high pitched shriek. Michonne was leaning casually against the back wall of her cell with a rather amused smile on her face.
"Fuck you sideways Michonne!," Carolina cursed. "What the hell are you doing in here?" Carolina took a step towards the woman, stretching out her open palm. "Gimme my pills back!"
"I think you've had enough," Michonne replied, her tone filled with more concern than amusement as she cast a pointed glance at the uneaten plates of food on the floor near the bunk.
Carolina pressed her open palm closer to the woman, her bottom lip quivering slightly. Michonne reached out. But instead of putting the pills in Carolina's hand, she simply grasped it with her own. Carolina felt Michonne pull her forward until she had her arms wrapped around her. Carolina stiffened slightly at the unexpected contact. But after a moment, she relaxed into the embrace and hugged Michonne back. It felt so good just to be held. To feel the basic human connection that they all needed and craved.
"How'd you like to get the hell out of her for a while?," Michonne asked.
"I think I'd like that. A lot."