Warning: Some more suggestive comments that might be triggering. Stay safe!
Despite the newfound companionship I felt with the rest of my unit, which was really, really nice after seven months of intense loneliness and uncertainty, the mission continued to deteriorate.
Hollis's comments became more scathing as the night wore on. After dinner we'd driven four more hours, stopping Germany just a half hour from the Czech border. The new plan included camping instead of staying at inns (which sucked) because of the newfound knowledge that our presence would most likely put innocent bystanders in mortal danger.
We'd been equipped with sleeping bags and extra blankets and a thin pillow, but the night was cold and the earth was hard and damp. As we set up camp, letting a fire smolder dimly as we tried to get warm without giving up too much smoke, two of the Frenchmen escorted Hollis to his designated pocket in the center of the group. He sat down cross-legged on his sleeping bag, looking around the campsite with his usual cocky smirk.
"Not exactly the Hilton," he said with stale disappointment, examining the ground beneath him. "Though I love the fauna theme. Very outdoor-sy."
For the most part, we paid him no mind, setting up the campsite. It wasn't due to rain, so we didn't bother with the provided tents, electing to keep ourselves as aware as possible. It would be difficult to distinguish friend from foe from the confines of an opaque tent.
The twelve of us set ourselves up in a pattern that spiraled outwards from the smoldering fire and Hollis, at the center. The four L-Unit members would form a square around him, and the eight Frenchmen would set themselves varying distances away in the clearing, covering all incoming vantage points.
There would be two people on watch at all times, and they would switch off every two hours to avoid fatigue. It was about eleven now, and we would be moving out no later than eight the next morning. Since, Jules insisted, we'd had such a rough day prior and we'd had to keep watch last night (which I belatedly realized the others had never woken me up for) the Frenchmen would take these eight hours before we all woke up at seven, and we'd take our turns the next night.
Lion agreed (through Tiger) with a gracious smile and a nod of thanks. "Good, I'm bloody exhausted," he said with a laugh. Bear and Tiger looked relieved, too.
"You should have woken me up to keep watch last night," I said with a displeased frown, making my way to my sleeping bag. "I was expecting to be woken up at some point."
"You looked so peaceful we couldn't wake you," Bear said with a teasing grin. "Besides, we hardly see you sleep at all. You're up when we go to sleep, and you're up when we wake up, and you roam around in the middle of the night all the bloody time. We figured you could use it."
Heat flamed in my cheeks and I quickly turned away, muttering a thank you.
Looking around, I saw that the Frenchmen had already changed or were changing into their sleepwear, and two of them were guarding Hollis as he changed, restraints on hand for when he was done. I looked quickly away before he could see me and make some comment about my staring.
Grabbing up my t-shirt and sweatpants, I whispered to Lion, "I'll be back," and headed for the trees.
Changing quickly, I relished the silence for a moment, leaning back against a tree. I stopped, for just a moment, and let the peaceful solitude wash over me, closing my eyes and breathing in the fresh earth. Despite the fact that camping wasn't one of my favorite pastimes, it made me feel close to Ian, for a moment. He insisted I at least know how to camp and survive in the wilderness, should I even need to.
I opened my eyes slowly, the memory of him smiling as he waved goodbye the last time before that mission etched behind my eyes.
I missed him. I missed him so much.
I sighed, feeling my peaceful bubble break, and trekked back to the campsite.
Hollis' restraints had been replaced, his feet and ankles chained together, and the chains on his ankles were attached to a compact metal box that probably weighed at least fifty pounds.
As I made my way back to my bag, he saw me out of the corner of his eye and smiled. A shiver ran up my spine, but I didn't let it show, instead looking away and focusing intently on my bag, sitting down to rifle through my bag.
"I thought you'd gone and left me," he said with an air of indignation. "Still shy about changing in front of the other boys? You're not that young, are you?"
I ignored him, though I felt my eye twitch. Luckily, he didn't see.
"Shut up and lie down," Bear said, and it sounded almost like he'd growled the words. The usually chipper man looked as wrung out as I felt.
I didn't know how I was going to sleep tonight with this monster just a stone's throw away from me. I pulled a paperback out of my bag and read it by the dim light of the smoldering logs, my eyes straining, as the others lay down and prepared to sleep.
Lion crouched besides me as I slouched back against my backpack in a futile search for a backrest, saying quietly, "Are you going to be okay?"
"Yes," I said decidedly. I'd shown about as much vulnerability as I possibly could today, and if I showed anymore, I'd burst, crumble, or both. "He'll sleep eventually."
Lion didn't look wholly convinced, but he patted my shoulder and told me to wake him if I needed anything. I tried very hard not to scoff at his kind gesture. Yes, that was likely to happen. I'd shake him awake in the middle of a group of armed soldiers like a child waking their mother during a storm.
Instead I gave a nod of affirmation, and he went to his own bag, lying down to sleep.
The two Frenchmen on watch had lit cigarettes and were keeping a close eye on the tree lines, looking attentive, but I kept half an eye out anyways.
A half hour later, after reading what little I could in the darkness, I put the book down, intent on getting some sleep. I could tell by the sounds around me that most, if not all, of the men not on watch were asleep. I was sure I would toss and turn all night, surrounded by strangers and under the crude watch of an enemy, but I decided to at least try to rest.
"Finally giving in?" Hollis' voice startled me, and I couldn't quite contain a flinch. I glared in his direction, settling down into my bag and zipping it up around me. "Come on, I still don't know your name."
"Go to sleep," I ordered, making my voice as steely as I could.
"Why? I can just sleep tomorrow," he argued, and I was reminded of a whiny child asking that their bedtime be delayed. "Besides, it's too cold to sleep." He grinned. "Why don't you come keep me warm tonight? I'll make it worth your while."
"Why don't I just toss you right into the embers, then, shall I?" I muttered just loud enough for him to hear. "You'll be nice and warm all night, and cooked by morning, I'm sure."
"Am I finally getting to you, fearless little soldier?" He taunted, the leer evident in his voice. I lay down, rolling away from him, and tried very hard not to listen. "You lasted longer than I thought you would. I knew I picked a fun target."
"Target?" I questioned before I could stop myself, rolling over and sitting up to look at him. "I think you're missing the entire point of this entourage. At the moment, you're the target, and I and all the other people here are the only thing between you and a one-way ticket to hell. So shut up, lie down, and sleep."
Resolved to give him absolutely no attention for the rest of the night, at the very least, I rolled away from him, shutting my eyes and wishing I could do the same to my ears. I expected an onslaught of taunts and jeers, but he just chuckled, letting out a sarcastic "Yes, sir" before I heard the fabric rustle as he lay back.
I tried to calm myself, to slow the thudding of my heart to alleviate the ache in my chest, but it was no use. I tried listening to the even breathing of the people around me, the hushed voices of the soldiers on watch, and I even tried some of the meditation techniques Sabina (don't think about it, don't think about it) had insisted I learn. None of it helped.
An hour or so later, I gave up, quietly extracting myself from my sleeping bag in favor of wandering the camp. I made my way through the sleeping bodies, trying not to wake anyone, towards the two Frenchmen on guard.
"Has it been quiet?" I asked in French. They responded likewise.
"Too quiet," one of them said, taking a long drag from his cigarette. "Even if it's only been half a day, based on all the people after him…I'd expected something by now, even if it was just a potshot or two."
The other nodded in assent. I felt bad that I couldn't remember their names, but I doubt they remembered mine, anyhow.
Truth be told, I was feeling on edge, myself. I'd grown to know when I was being watched—if I paid attention, it just felt like…the slightest feeling of unease dancing on my spine, but it was enough to alert me that something was amiss. The only problem was that I couldn't tell if it was from an actual threat or my unease towards Hollis.
"I'm going to walk the perimeter," I told them, offering a wave as I departed. "I'll stay within shouting distance."
They nodded, not seeming worried at my departing alone. I had my gun, and I knew how to defend myself. I'd be fine.
I walked slowly, scanning the area, looking for any twig or branch that looked tampered with by someone not of our party. I saw a couple things that caught my eye, but upon closer examination, they looked like natural animal trails.
I circled the area twice, still feeling uneasy, though I'd assured myself that there was nothing in the trees that would pose a threat.
The guards changed, then, and the two Frenchmen woke two of the others from their sleep, rousing them quietly.
In that moment of change, when no one should have been on their guard, they struck.
Unluckily for them, I was on my guard.
The reason I hadn't caught them in the first place was because I had stupidly ignored the treetops, assuming that if someone were to attack, they'd come the traditional way, on their feet. Instead, three of them dropped from the trees, guns up and ready to shoot.
Had I not been awake, alert, and coincidentally near them, I'm sure the four Frenchmen who were awake, caught unawares, would have died.
Luckily for them, two of them were distracted by my sudden appearance on their left, and I downed the first one with a shot to the femoral vein. She dropped her gun and fell with a cry, and I dropped with her, fully aware of the spray of bullets that cut through the space where my head should've been.
Instinctive shooting was severely underrated, I thought begrudgingly. Don't think. Shoot.
I shut my eyes as panic threatened to sabotage my shot, instead flinging my arm out and shooting from memory rather than sight. I heard another cry and thud, this one felled by a shot to his side. A spurt of blood from his mouth told me I'd hit a lung, and I figured I must have shot directly under his vest at an upward angle, to make a shot like that.
It scared me, but I couldn't let it slow me down.
The third assailant had taken a shot at one of the Frenchmen before he'd registered my presence, but now he whipped around, feeling my gun trained on him, and I was at his back before he knew what was going on. "Drop it," I said with steel in my voice, "unless you want to join your friends."
After a tense second of silence, during which those who had been (amazingly) still asleep had been roused and were collecting their own weapons as quickly as they could, the man dropped his gun. "Raise your arms."
He did. "Interlock your fingers." He did that too. I kicked the back of his knee, and he landed with a grunt and a curse. I shoved the muzzle of the gun into the back of his head, daring him to move.
The two assailants already down were reaching for their weapons, but the rest of my team was already there, restraining them. If I'd been alone, I probably would've been shot in the back by one of them, because I'd been so focused on making sure the last one didn't shoot anyone else.
Luckily, George, the Frenchman shot, wasn't seriously injured. It was a through-and-through to the shoulder; Bear said he'd been lucky. It bled quite a bit, but Bear put a pressure bandage on it and wrapped it tight. "It's fine for now, but you need to get to a hospital sooner rather than later," he said seriously.
While three of the Frenchmen and Tiger and I secured the attackers, keeping close watch over them, Bear came over to bind their wounds until they were picked up for transport and official arrest. "Lion and Jules are talking about what to do and they need an interpreter," Bear said, crouching beside the one who'd been shot in the lung. As Tiger left to go help them, Bear's brow furrowed. "He needs emergency field surgery if he's going to make it. I don't think I can do that with what I have."
Bear handed me a compression bandage and some disinfectant and said, "You did well in your medical eval; could you patch her up? This will take a while."
I nodded, silently taking the offered bandages and crouching beside the woman, who was doing a valiant job of not moaning in pain. She'd already bled a considerable amount.
"Coddling your enemies doesn't seem like the best thing to do," she spat as I rolled her over, inspecting her leg.
"That's what makes us different," I said quietly, forcing myself to believe the words.
I'd just shot two people, and one of them may die. My hands were shaking.
She scoffed, crying out in pain as I poured disinfectant into the wound. The bullet was still stuck in her leg, so at least she was only bleeding from one place. I fought to urge to offer a soft apology, instead forcing the compression bandage up her leg and over the wound, flinching when she cried out again.
My hands were absolutely trembling.
"I will finish," a voice said in front of me, crouching on the other side of the woman and reaching for the roll of bandages in my bloody hands. I looked up, surprised he'd gotten so close without my knowing, and saw Jacques. He took the bandage from me and nodded, giving me permission to back away. I didn't even trust my voice enough to thank him.
I stood quickly, distancing myself from the bleeding bodies on the ground, taking my gun and stumbling quickly to my bag. I doused it in water, cleaning it efficiently, and then washed the blood from my hands, packing my bag. We wouldn't stay here, I was sure; our position was far too compromised.
"That was quite a show," Hollis commented, and I flinched in surprise at his grating voice, feeling very close to losing my mind. "I didn't think you had that in you."
I didn't dignify that with an answer.
"Jaguar," Lion called. I looked up, and he beckoned me towards him, Jules, and Tiger, where they'd formed a tight circle, foreheads all creased in thought and worry.
"Yeah?" I said as I approached, my voice much steadier than the rest of me.
"First of all, thank you," he said seriously, clapping me on the shoulder. "You've saved us yet again, and I'm a little embarrassed at this point. It feels like you've done this whole mission on your own."
I felt the blush creeping up my neck, and felt my eyebrows pinch together. "I feel like this is the most I've relied on people in a long time," I disagreed, too tired to even think of chastising myself for the reveal. I was tired, and hungry, and in shock, and I overall felt like shit. "If you hadn't gotten to those other two when you did, they'd've shot me in the back."
Lion smirked, but his eyes still looked dark. "Still. Anyways, the French embassy has worked with a nearby German hospital to send a helicopter, and they're going to transport the wounded. Another transport van is going to come to fetch the uninjured attacker. We wanted your opinion. How should we handle this from here on out?"
I blinked in surprise, looking at Tiger for confirmation, who shrugged. "You're a pain in the arse sometimes, kid, but you know what you're doing."
Finally, I looked at Jules, who nodded.
Don't think. Shoot.
"We can't stay here," I said letting my mind go into overdrive, like I had on the train the other day. I didn't think about their reactions, or the circumstances—I only let my training and my experience dictate the words coming out of my mouth. Emotion had not place here—only cold analysis. "Our position's been entirely compromised. Before we find out how, we need to get somewhere safe. Tiger, would you question the uninjured attacker? I doubt we'll get much, but see if he lets anything slip before transport shows up." Tiger nodded tightly, turning away and stalking over towards Bear and the others.
"We can't stop anymore," I continued on. "Obviously there's either a spy in the ranks, or the plan's been leaked. Jules, I'm sorry, but I trust L-Unit and you with this information, and nobody else. What we say doesn't leave here, understand?" Jules looked pained, like he wanted to argue, but nodded tersely.
"We should move Hollis to one of the convoy vehicles," I said quickly, looking around on instinct to make sure nothing else was amiss. "If our route has been leaked, everything in the operation has become null. They'll know he's in the delivery truck. Put him in the car behind the truck; if they attack while we're driving, they'll go for the front one first, to distract the delivery truck driver."
I stopped to catch my breath, my thoughts racing. "I don't know how, but they knew exactly where we'd be staying, even though the plan was just changed this morning. There's a spy here, a spy in the brass, or they've been following us since Paris…" I said almost to myself, rehashing my previous ideas to sort through them.
"Sweep the vehicles before we move out," I said, "and be thorough. They may have planted a tracking device on one of them after they'd been checked by the DRM."
I looked at our remaining forces. Luckily, we were only one man down, but that would change our whole dynamic. "Put Jacques," who I liked well enough to think he probably wasn't a spy, "Hollis, me, and…Jules, another Frenchman that you trust with your life, in the back car. Lion and Bear will drive the delivery truck, and four Frenchmen can ride in the back. I'm afraid to put Tiger and Jules in the front car, because that's the one they'll probably go for first, but it's our best option…"
My thoughts were still racing as I worked out the rest of the details. "As long as nothing happens, we'll continue to switch out drivers – six hour shifts, no less. We break for bathroom every three hours, and food every six. When we break for food we get it and keep driving. There's about nineteen hours left on the journey, but I ant to make it at least twenty-one and make a few detours. It's risky, but if we confuse whoever's in watching us, however they're doing it, it'll make it harder for them to plan and launch an attack." I took a breath, looking back at them. "And I recommend we get going the second the wounded and prisoners are out of here."
Jules was two words away from catching flies. He stared at me with wide eyes, looking to Lion, who shrugged with a smile. "He's an enigma. Don't worry about it."
Lion tousled my hair without warning, and I resisted the urge to bat his hand away, frowning. "Knew we could count on you. I hate to ask, but go get Hollis prepped for transport. We'll need to secure him as best we can in the convoy vehicle, so Jules and I will pull it around and get started on it."
I nodded wordlessly, my heart skipping a beat at the thought of being so close to Hollis, but I told myself to get over it and get it done. There was work to do.
The distant thump thump thump of helicopter blades entered my awareness as I made my way to the package, and I was glad. Maybe that man would survive after all. I didn't want to be the one who killed him.
"Sit up," I said tersely; Hollis was lying relaxed on his sleeping bag, two Frenchmen standing guard over him. "We're getting you prepped for transport."
Hollis opened one eye and grinned at me. "I like it when you're commanding. It's so different from how you look."
I fought the urge to roll my eyes and took the key from one of the Frenchmen's extended hands, watching warily out of the corner of my eye as Hollis sat up. "Put your feet out."
He did without complaint, and I unlocked his shackled feet from the metal box, quickly reattaching the shackle on his feet to the one on his wrists. As I turned to give the key back to the Frenchmen I'd gotten it from, I felt a hand brush my face.
My reaction was not as dignified as I wanted it to be, but the unwelcome presence nearly sent me into a panic, since I was already so on edge. My gun was against his crotch before he could move another inch.
When you're in a real bind, Ian's voice rang in my head, and you need to get away or buy yourself some time, go for below the belt. It'll slow any man down.
"Get your hand off me," I ordered calmly. His face had quickly drained of color, and he risked a glance down. "Unless you want to lose something important."
He went very still for just a second, and I heard one of the Frenchmen snort, then come to my aid. He grabbed the offending hand and shoved it away from me, returning my thankful nod with one of his own.
"I was just looking at your hair," Hollis recovered smoothly, though his complexion was still sickly as I took my time putting my gun away.
Damn. That felt so much better than it should have.
"Why do you dye it? You'd look good with fair hair."
Shit. Was it that noticeable? "That's none of your business," I said, standing and backing up a few paces. The helicopter was descending rapidly, and the wind was tearing at our clothes. It settled on the other side of the clearing, and quickly four or five medics jumped from the settled aircraft, racing to Bear's side.
"Your friend stopped working on the one he was so frantic about," Hollis said with a cruel smile, obviously fully recovered.
The words threw me, and I turned quickly to look, to see that indeed, Bear was making sure the woman had enough fluids, and the man I'd shot was…flat on his back. Not moving. Not breathing.
I faltered. One of the Frenchmen quickly grabbed my shoulder to steady me, but I shrugged it off, unable to be okay with being touched in that moment.
I hated the feeling I got in my gut after I killed, directly or otherwise. It felt like with every life I took, another little piece of me was chipped off and sucked away for good. Like it was one more crumbling brick closer to my unraveling.
"Now you're just like me," Hollis said, and his voice came to me through roaring waves crashing through my ears. "Just another murderer."
"Say anything like that again and we'll leave you to the wolves," I registered Tiger's voice coming up behind us. I turned detachedly to look at him, but his eyes were focused solely on Hollis, burning with anger. If his eyes could have burned holes in Hollis' head, they would have. "He saved our lives, including yours."
Hollis smirked, leaning back. "Whatever you say, soldier boy."
Tiger growled.
Tiger nudged my arm and led me away from him a bit. "Don't listen to him. He's just a prick."
I nodded dazedly. I really wasn't feeling good after that.
"Are you sure you'll be alright with him?" Tiger asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "Lion told me your configuration. I don't like it."
"I don't either," I admitted, looking back at the medics rushing around the two injured, escorting them quickly into the helicopter. The transport vehicle for the uninjured prisoner had since shown up, and he was being loaded. "But I want someone from L-Unit in every car. We don't know if there's a spy, so I don't want one car operating independently if the spy is driving. Bear needs to be away from Hollis; he's the only medic, so if Hollis' car is targeted and there are casualties, he needs to be okay. I trust Lion and him to drive the delivery vehicle, and I trust you to make sure the front car is running okay. You have a bigger presence than I do, so if the spy is up front, he'll be more aware of you. I put Jules with you just in case."
"Leaving you effectively alone," he said, his displeasure evident.
"I didn't think you cared this much," I said without thinking. My filter was really off today.
Tiger blinked. "Maybe I don't show it because I don't coddle you, but I care about what happens to my unit, arsehole."
I dragged a hand down my face, looking away. "I'm sorry. I'm just…worn out. This has been a cluster from the start."
Tiger grumbled, but I could tell he wasn't angry with me, for which I was grateful. I don't think I could have handled that. "I still think it'd be better if Lion or I was with Hollis instead. Don't make yourself a martyr."
The offer was tempting, but I knew I wouldn't accept. With the word "friend", which I'd grudgingly accepted these three idiots to be earlier in the day, came the nearly unbearable burden of what would happen when my presence finally caught up with them.
Just as it had with Yassen, Ash, Jack, Sabina, and even Tom, who'd been shot before I finally decided to cut off contact with him.
They were worried about me, and wanted to protect me, and I would forever be grateful for the knowledge that I wasn't entirely alone in the world. But that meant I would protect them until my dying breath to repay that kindness, and there wasn't a damn thing they could do to stop me.
"Thank you," I said genuinely. "For that and for what you did back there. But I think this is the best setup."
Tiger looked dubious, but acquiesced. "Fine. If you get uncomfortable let one of us know."
I nodded, though it was mostly to appease him than anything else.
The next half hour was a blur of loading and prepping, and then we were on the road. I'd quickly claimed the passenger seat, unwilling to be trapped in the backseat with Hollis, with Jacques driving and Vinny in the backseat. Despite my exhaustion, I knew with Hollis' sporadic prattling, the hum of the engine beneath me, and the twisting in my gut, sleep was far off.
I propped my head on my hand and leaned against the door, watching the darkened scenery whiz by as we raced down the deserted road, desperate to reach Kiev. Desperate to be rid of the parasite sitting behind me who scared me much more than I would ever admit to anyone but myself.
Desperate to return to the relative safety of Brecon Beacons.
Maybe just…desperate.
I was sixteen, and world-weary, and it shook me when I realized that no one had called me Alex in a very, very long time, and that it actually bothered me greatly.
I wasn't even sure if Alex really existed anymore. But Matthew didn't exist either. He never had. Who was I if I wasn't either of them?
I was giving up more and more information about myself, and the others were beginning to see through the cracks in this shield I'd worked so hard to forge. I was sure I could do it. I was sure that I could hide in plain sight for just two years, until I was no longer under MI6's guardianship. Then I'd be free, I told myself. If I could just make it two years.
It had been one month. One month, and I was desperate for everything to just…stop.
To just…stop the world, for just five minutes, and take the silence to figure out who I was, what I wanted, and what was going to become of me. Unfortunately, Father Time had no such intentions, and the thoughts of uncertainty and despair plagued me for the next several hundred miles.
Those, and the words Just another murderer, echoing like a macabre anthem.
Desperate for the world to stop. Just for five minutes. One minute.
Desperate.
A/N: I swear, I really didn't mean for it to get that dark at the end, but it's a build-up for another issue we'll face later on, so forgive me!
I think I'm going to try to make this a slower-burn series, because I want to explore all the real issues that our poor boy is facing right now—months of isolation and years of trauma and loss don't just go away when you make friends, so I want to make this real. I hope you'll stick with it!
I do want to say, I'm not trying to make the soldiers seem stupid or incompetent or inattentive—they're none of those things. They're all very brave young men who wanted to serve their country. As Alex / Matthew / Jaguar said, this mission has been a cluster from the beginning, and no one told them (because they didn't know) just how bad it would be, and they're all kind of floundering because they're only human.
Anyways, I hope you liked it regardless! As is my custom, I would like to sincerely thank everyone who has followed and favorited, and especially to everyone who has reviewed on the last chapter (and previous chapters): SlightlyInsaneBooknerd, otterpineapple06, Bumbee, Guest, Guest, Guest, Aimael, Em0wolf, RiderKitty, OnlyaBookworm, AureliaCotta, Guest, Buttermilkbells, and Night Riders!
Guest (great chapter, welcome back): Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it!
Guest (good pacing): Thanks so much!
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Em0Wolf (7): Omg thank you so much! I'm glad you like it!
Guest (I was so happy): Thanks so much! Ugh I LOVE their protectiveness
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Buttermilkbells: Omg you're so right XD I can't believe it either. Thanks!
As always, please stay safe, wash your hands, and stay home as much as you can! Love you all, and thank you for reading!