Chapter 37

"Take your time, amor."

"I don't think I can go any slower," she jokes, even if a little impatiently. She manages to shuffle to his apartment door without incident, and she waits as he unlocks the door. The couch is calling her name and she makes her way towards it as he drops her bag, closing the door behind him.

Sinking slowly on his couch, she exhales.

"How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

"How long until Noah's home?"

Rafael glances at his watch. "Carisi should be dropping him off from his dance class in about an hour."

"I'd really like a shower….wash my hair."

He's there, and she takes his outstretched hand as he helps her from the couch with a hand under her arm. As they make their way through his apartment, she notes Noah's toys, books and clothing that are everywhere. "Noah sure has made himself at home," she comments.

"…he still won't step foot in your apartment…Lucy's been dropping things off."

They reach his bedroom and she makes it to his bathroom, despite the way her body is beginning to protest.

"You ok?" Rafael questions, helping her to sit on the closed toilet.

"Just need a minute."

He starts the shower, letting the water run warm. "Don't move." He disappears only to return with one of his dining room chairs, setting it in his walk in shower.

"Rafa, no…you're going to run your chair," she protests.

"I'm not worried about the chair, Liv. Come here."

Taking his hand she shuffles into his shower, sitting in the chair, her back to the shower head.

"Just relax. I've got you."

He's switched on the detachable shower head, and the warm water hits her scalp. The smell of her shampoo fills the shower and he lathers it into her hair gently. He's nothing if not meticulous and Liv closes her eyes, sighing.

"Feel good?" He questions.

"Heavenly."

He takes his time, massaging her scalp before detangling with a brush, working the shampoo through her hair. When he starts humming, she closes her eyes. Rinsing out the shampoo, he conditions next, and not missing a beat, leaves her in the steam of the shower for a few minutes to gather a towel and change of clothes for her. When he returns, he kneels in front of her to remove her wet socks. "Do you think you can stand on your own?"

She had managed to take a quick shower while in the hospital and she's sure she could manage on her own, but this is the first time they've been alone together and while she doesn't expect anything sexual to happen, she wants that connection with him. Their focus has been on Noah and his needs and her recovery and worrying about her job and the grand jury that there hasn't been time for each other.

And it may just be a shower, but she needs it to just be the two of them. Here, like this, just to make sure that they're still solid.

"Do you mind helping me?"

"Of course not. Give me a minute." He presses a quick kiss to her lips before leaving the bathroom again. When he returns, he's got another towel and he's stripped down to his boxers. Together they remove her shirt and bra, and she stands as he shimmy's her sweats down and around her hips and legs. Her incision is covered thoroughly in waterproof bandages, which is a relief, not having to worry about one more thing.

Pulling the chair from the shower, Liv shuffles under the spray. The warm water seeps into her body in a way she hadn't realized that she needed it to. Rafael is there with her body wash and sponge, lathering her skin gently.

He's still humming and the riot of emotions she's felt the past few days finally settle, if only for a few minutes.

"Can you turn around, amor?"

Holding on to his arm, she shuffles to face him. He lathers more soap onto her body, kneeling to lather her legs and feet. Before she can turn into the spray again, he brings the detachable head around, washing the soap from her body.

"Tilt your head back," he instructs gently.

She does as he says, and he's rinsing the conditioner from her hair.

"How do you feel now?"

She leans in to press a kiss to his lips. "So much better. Thank you."

He kisses her back gently.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"That was Sonny: Noah begged him for ice-cream after his dance class."

"And he folded," Liv chuckles.

Rafael smiles, helping her into his bed. "….a little indulgence might be good for him. How are you feeling? Are you in pain? Hungry?"

The minute her head hits his pillows, her eyes immediately feel like lead. "I'm ok….can we talk?"

Crawling over her, he settles next to her. "What do you want to talk about?"

She holds his gaze. "We both know what I'm up against….I just want to check in with you. How are you?"

Settling on his side, he reaches for her hand, twinging his fingers with hers. "Cards on the table?"

Liv nods.

"I'm taking it one hour at a time, Liv."

He still hasn't shaven and his stubble is slowly turning into a beard. His glasses, which he's been wearing more frequently, fail to hide the dark circles under his eyes and looking at him in the shower just now, she'd bet that he's lost weight.

"What can I do to help?"

That lopsided grin crosses his face tenderly. "Having you here, all of us, under one roof is a start."

She nods. "Have you talked to Dr. Lindstrom lately?"

"Appointment tomorrow."

"Have you eaten today?"

"Does coffee count?"

She sweeps her fingers through his hair, settling at the nape of his neck. "Want to order in?"

"My fridge is currently full with dishes my mother's made….I'm sure there's a soup somewhere in there."

"Sounds good."

. . . . . . . . . . . .

"You know, I'm breaking all my rules about eating in bed right now."

She smiles. He's practically devouring his bowl of soup and she takes a few tentative mouthfuls of broth, solid foods being hit or miss these days. "Any other rules you have in bed?"

He chokes a little on his soup, looking over at her. "No. You?"

She shakes her head, smirking.

They eat in amenable silence, and he polishes off his bowl, heading back into the kitchen for another. When he returns, he sits on the edge of the bed facing her. "I need to ask you something."

She stills, her spoon midair.

"….Move in with me?"

She smiles. "Yeah."

He smiles too. "Just that easy?"

She rolls her eyes. "Were you expecting me to say no?"

He bobs his head. "I had my arguments laid out."

Tugging him by the collar of his sweater, she pulls him towards her, mating her lips to his. "No arguments here, counsellor."

"That's a first," he murmurs against her lips, smirking.

She nips his bottom lip, pulling back. "Isn't that what you love about me?"

"Among many other things, yes….are you finished?"

She looks down at her half finished bowl of soup. "Yeah…my appetite hasn't really come back yet."

He nods, pressing a kiss to her forehead before taking their bowls to the kitchen. Sinking back into bed, she waits for him to return. Logistically, she should have probably thought more about his invitation to move in but there are so many decisions she'll have to make, that weighing the pros and cons of something that, really, feels right, seems unnecessary.

"Can I ask you another question?"

He slides back into the bed next to her, and she carefully rolls over to face him. "Are you going to ask me to marry you next?" She jokes, without thinking.

"No…not yet."

The seriousness in his answer causes her stomach to flip, and she searches his green eyes. "Yet?"

He brushes her hair behind her ear. "Yet," he confirms. "….tell me about your relationship with Elliot."

"What do you want to know?"

Rafael shrugs. "…I've heard stories about the good ole' days."

She scoffs. "I don't know if I'd go that far."

He holds her gaze, waiting for her to continue.

"It was a different time back then," she begins. "I was new, one of the only females…A chip on my shoulder and something to prove."

"…full of the same compassion and strength, no doubt," he adds gently.

She smiles. "Yeah, I suppose….Elliot…" she lets out a sigh, the memories flooding back. "Was larger than life to me…I felt invincible next to him, like we could take on the world…and then it was case after case, and his life was so…" she shakes her head. "…encompassing and I found myself intwined with it so much so that…I thought I was a part of it."

Memories of Maureen sneaking out of the house and Lizzie's smile with Elliot's birthday cake; of beach houses and carrots and Kathleen and Bernie, of Dickie and staring down the same anger his father had exploded into all too easily back then, flood her mind.

Of holding Eli, in the back of an ambulance, praying for his life and Kathy's.

What about me?

"…and then he left, and I found out that I really wasn't….and that really hurt because there was a time…" she wipes her eyes. "…where he felt like home."

Rafael reaches out to rub her arm, circling around to rub her back. "You loved him."

"Yeah, I did," she admits softly. "….he was married, had children and I knew that we would never cross that line and I was alright with that because he made me feel safe…loved."

"That wasn't love, Liv," he comments gently.

She nods. "….try telling me that 10 years ago."

He continues to rub her back, letting her words settle a few minutes before he speaks. "Where do you see you both going from here?"

Liv searches his green eyes. "I'm not in love with him, Rafa."

"I never said you were," he answers. "….his first impression on Noah and I hasn't been positive, and I guess I just want to know if I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, here."

Reaching across the bed, she runs her fingers through his hair, settling at the nape of his neck. The fact that he's even offering to get to know him is far more than Elliot gave anyone who so much as looked at her back then. "I love you."

"I love you too, amor."

"…honestly? I don't know, Rafa….I'm still so angry with him and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him."

He nods, pulling her hand from the back of his neck, kissing her palm before twinging their fingers together. "We'll leave it at, it's complicated, then."

His phone chirps from his nightstand, and he roles over to read the incoming text. "Sonny and Noah are back." He climbs out of the bed, but not before pressing a kiss to her lips. "Just so were on the same page here, I'm quite secure in what we have."

She kisses him again. "So am I."

He holds her gaze. "Good."

The doorbell is ringing and he heads to let Sonny and Noah in.

Tbc