Ben felt like an arse.

He really did. He felt guilty that the first thing he did when Alex was clearly not in his right mind and terrified was shout, he was guilty that this was happening in the first place, and he was guilty for ignoring his damn gut in the first place and not getting him out of this sooner.

He wasn't guilty for apparently killing Alex's godfather, slimy bastard, but he was guilty that Alex had to see it. Fuck, how could you do that to your best friend and his wife? And his newborn? Ben would kill him again if he could.

But shit, this was all so messed up…and Ben was uncomfortable realizing that he knew far less than he thought he did.

He'd felt like he knew everything about Alex compared to the others, and he was startled to realize he was on the tip of an iceberg on the verge of sinking.

And fuck. He'd yelled at him.

He definitely needed to fix that.

When Wolf had pulled him aside when he'd first gone off, he was a live wire.

"Get yourself under control," Wolf said stiffly, all harsh lines and cut angles, taut. "We don't need this shit right now. Alex sure doesn't need your shit right now. Even I know not to be mad, get a clue."

"He's just—he makes the stupidest decisions, Wolf, every fucking time," Fox argued, voice hushed but still tense with anger. "He runs at the first opportunity, even though we're trying to help! He knows he can't do this alone, he knows he's not able to get away by himself, so why does he constantly try to make things difficult? He's just a kid, and he needs to understand that!"

Wolf's jaw set, and he stood to his full height. Even though Fox was the one looking down on him, Wolf seemed to tower in the small kitchen. "I'd say you and I are the only ones who know that that's a load of shit." Fox paused, but didn't get a chance to respond. "We've both seen him in action, during of after he was by himself in enemy territory without backup. He's a damn fine soldier who gets shit done, and even if he shouldn't have had to, don't undermine his accomplishments. He's not trying to make things difficult, he's fucking scared, and not only for himself. He's not running out of cowardice."

Fox blinked.

Wolf was not lecturing him on emotions.

"You—"

"No. Are you going to get it together or not?" Wolf asked, mouth set in a hard line.

"I'm angry because I'm worried!" Fox whisper-shouted, feeling his hackles rise. He knew he was getting defensive, but he couldn't help it.

Wolf raised an eyebrow. "You have an interesting way of showing it."

"Oh, coming from you?"

"I have nine siblings, Fox. I know a tantrum when I see one."

And that really pissed Fox off, because this wasn't a tantrum. "This isn't a tantrum, and I'm not a child. I know more about MI6 than any of you, and I know they're crafty, awful bastards and they get what they want, and they want Alex. And Alex took a stupid and unnecessary risk—"

"And I reckon he did it for the sole purpose of pissing you off, yeah?" Wolf cut in.

"No, but that's not—"

"Then he did it to be intentionally difficult?"

"No, but—"

"People do stupid shit when they're scared, Fox," Wolf said. "Just like what you're doing now. You're off your rocker because you're worried and you don't know how to be worried in any way besides being angry."

Whatever Fox had to say next died in his mouth and left a bitter after taste.

Wolf watched him, for once patient and calm where he wasn't, and Fox wondered briefly who the hell was in front of him, because it wasn't his unit leader. And dammit, Fox was even angrier because Wolf wasn't wrong.

He'd done it after Alex had disappeared in London, too.

And he was doing it now.

Because he was so worried he couldn't think straight that he didn't know what to do other than yell.

Fox blinked and couldn't think of anything to say back.

"Oh, finally got something through your skull?" Wolf asked, rolling his eyes. "Now why don't you calm the hell down and try again?"

But by the time Fox was calm enough that he knew he wouldn't yell, that he could do what he was supposed to do and provide comfort or just support, the Sergeant was there and then Alex was gone.

And then he had to be the one to bring up the age thing—or as much as he could without revealing anything.

And now he's just sitting here on his arse simmering in his own regret and wondering how the hell he's going to tell Alex that his time is out. The kid's already had so many choices stolen, so much taken and lost, and even if Ben doesn't agree with him working in the SAS, this wasn't how he wanted things to go.

Still, he couldn't do anything until Alex woke up. He was just happy the kid was getting some sleep—he looked absolutely awful.

Ben sighed and put his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead with the heels of his palms.

He'd been so certain. He'd been so certain they could help Alex.

Now, faced with the task itself, it seemed an insurmountable obstacle.

God, this was so fucked.

Something cold touched his temple. Fox started, looking up to see Snake holding a water bottle against his head. Snake's smile was gentle, but his eyes were tired. "Yer still hungover. Ye need some fluids, mate."

Fox thought about refusing, but he knew how pushy Snake could be when he was worried and accepted the bottle. "How is he?"

Snake's smile became as tired as his eyes. "Not good."

"Physically, or…?"

"Physically he's decent. Should recover fine, and he's already coming out of the shock, but he'll be out of it for a while. The combination of that and the drugs is going to be pretty hard on him. Mentally…Bear can tell ye more, I think, but Alex is not doing well. He's mentally exhausted. I had to put a crushed-up Xanax in his water just to get him to calm down." Snake paused, his smile falling completely. "This really wasn't what he needed."

"No shit," Fox said quietly into the bottle before he tipped it back. He didn't realize how thirsty he was.

Bear was still with Alex, and Tiger had gone to check on them a moment ago. Fox was surprised Lion wasn't in there as well, but he was out here in the living room on a laptop. He looked deep in thought. Wolf, after getting permission, was making something for all of them to eat; they hadn't exactly been preoccupied with keeping a meal schedule, and they were all pretty hungry. Eagle was almost back. Snake was sitting on the arm of Fox's chair, sipping tea with a thousand-yard-stare that made Fox wonder what exactly Alex had said.

"Yeah. Yeah, alright, thanks. I'll call again," the Sergeant's voice grabs Fox's attention as he steps in from the foyer, snapping his phone shut. The man looks as tired as they all feel. "Alright. Safe house will be ready in eighteen hours. Is he awake?"

Snake shook his head.

Sergeant Callaway sighed, scrubbing a hand over his close-cropped hair. "Alright. Well…wow. Congratulations. This is the most fucked up situation I think I've ever had to handle."

Fox knew logically that the Sergeant wasn't mad, but he still had to immediate urge to apologize. The Sergeant had that effect on people. Fox was also really glad Alex and his hero complex weren't in here to hear that.

"Okay. I need to get back to base; this was a bit of a spontaneous trip. As soon as Jaguar's up, I want a full report of whatever is it that we're missing," he said with a meaningful look at Fox. "This is not a fucking soap opera. I should not have to wait on a cliffhanger for a week before getting a detailed report on whatever bullshit this is. Got it?"

Fox, feeling his heart sink as he thought of Alex's reaction, nodded.

"Alright. Stay inside unless absolutely necessary, here or at your hotel, and don't go anywhere alone, got it?"

"It's 2 am, Sarge, are you sure you don't want to leave in the morning?" Lion asked.

"Yeah, I gotta get back. The recruits'll do God knows what if they find out I'm gone. Just don't do anything stupid."

"Roger," Wolf said, getting up to walk him out. "We'll update you."

"Every two hours. If I'm asleep, you call Lieutenant Haynes, she'll fill me in."

"Thank you," Lion said, quieter than Fox expected from him.

The Sergeant's eyes, for just a fraction of a second, softened. "We'll figure it out. We don't leave anyone behind, you know that."

Lion nodded. "Yes sir."

"Good. Until later, idiots. Don't do anything stupid."

And the Sergeant was gone.

…

I slipped in and out of dreams for a long time.

I knew Bear was with me most of the time, that Tiger came in for a bit, that Lion checked in on me. I saw Fox standing at the front of the room for a moment, or I thought I did. Nothing felt real. Everything felt very disconnected from reality, so I kept slipping back into dreams.

Nightmares. They were raw things, open wounds that never healed, and they were fresh and oozing and painful. Bear woke me twice and I soon slipped back under, but sometimes he didn't know because I guessed they didn't show. Sometimes I just went through it, woke up, and went back to sleep.

Everything felt strange. I felt unreal. I felt like the center of a spiral spinning out.

When I finally woke up for real, I didn't realize it for a while.

I'd just seen Razim die again. He drowned in the salt, and it stripped the skin from his bones, it sucked all the moisture from his body until he was some shriveling husk of a thing, still somehow clinging to life and berating Alex for his victory. Alex knew that part was real. That had happened. Razim died screaming that he should have won.

Later, as I knelt over the burnt-out car, and now, I didn't feel like the winner at all.

I thought about all the times I'd been near death and wondered why I'd never been able to just let go.

I blinked, and finally realized I was staring at the ceiling.

I blinked again, trying to get my bearings. Steady breathing came from my left, and I turned to see Fox dozing in a chair next to my bed. He must've switched with Bear at some point. He looked tired.

I wondered if I should wake him, but I figured he was still upset with me, and I really didn't want to deal with it right now. I was tired and scared and still weak, and I felt so compromised because of that knowing what was coming, and…I just couldn't take Fox's anger right now.

I didn't feel good, but I felt a lot better than I had last night, physically. I sat up, pushing the covers off and rolling my stiff shoulders. I felt sweaty and gross, and I realized I hadn't showered since before the bar…yesterday? Two days ago? Early morning light was shafting through my window, but I felt disconnected from time.

My leg ached. It was fully healed, so I assumed it was from some bad weather.

I tried to be quiet, but the bed creaked as I sat up, and Fox started, nearly jumping out of his seat. I'd been waiting for it, which was the only reason I didn't flinch. I cursed myself in my head as he sat up, feeling my shoulders hunch without my consent.

Fox's blurred eyes settled on me before he sank back into his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Alex. Y'scared me, kid."

"Sorry."

"Mm. Time's it?"

I glanced at my phone, but it was dead, so I had to twist around and look at the clock on the other side of my bed. "Nine. Ish."

Fox took a deep breath and opened his eyes, rubbing sleep from them, but he didn't look very awake. He squinted at me, and I tensed.

"Why do you look like that?" He asked, putting a hand on his shoulder and rolling it a few times. I couldn't imagine sleeping in a chair was very comfortable.

I hesitated. "Like what?"

"That. Nervous."

I paused, and forced my shoulders to relax, silently begging for an interruption. "I'm not."

Fox finally looked at me properly, and I forced myself to hold his eyes. I wasn't scared of him, but I was too tired to be yelled at. Too exhausted.

He took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of his nose again. "I'm…sorry I yelled yesterday. That wasn't what you or anybody needed, and…I know I was an arse about it. I know you were scared, and you weren't trying to do anything stupid. I just got worried, and as Wolf has informed me, I apparently can't show worry in any way besides anger…so…I'm sorry. You've got a shit ton of other stuff to deal with, and…yeah. I'm sorry."

He said all of this looking down, one of his ankles crossed over his knee. He wasn't blushing, but he looked close, and I knew Fox wasn't one to casually apologize—at least, he didn't much. It sounded rehearsed, but no less genuine, so he must've been thinking about it quite a bit before I woke up. I wondered how long he'd been sitting with me.

I processed, and was quiet for a few seconds, long enough for him to look up at me. "Well?"

I shrugged a little, blinking heavily. "I…you're fine. Sorry, it's just that I just woke up. I know…" I took a steadying breath. "Thank you for…apologizing. And not yelling anymore. And I'm sorry I ran off."

Fox, after a second, nodded. Though I had a feeling neither of us were angry, the silence was still awkward.

"I'm…going to shower," I said hesitantly, making to get up, summoning the mental energy required to do so.

"Um…before you do that. I have something to ask you."

I stopped. Actually, it was more like I froze. I didn't like his tone of voice at all.

"I'm actually kind of gross, so I was—"

"It's important, Alex."

My heart started to quicken.

"…where are the others?"

"I'm not sure if L-Unit is up and about yet, but K-Unit went back to the hotel; I wanted to stay. So we could talk."

Shit. Fox wasn't going to let me change the subject or evade it.

I paused, then took a deep breath. "Okay. What is it?" I sounded steadier than I felt.

Fox looked at me, and for a moment, I saw a flash of pain in his eyes. Something like grief. "I'm sorry. We need to tell them."

Panic froze my lungs.

I'd expected it. I knew. I knew that was what he was going to bring up, I knew time was running out, but I just didn't know how close the last grains of sand were to falling through the hourglass.

My head felt light with fear, my hands trembling in my lap. "I can't."

Fox looked physically wounded. "I know, and…I'm so sorry. But we're out of time, mate."

Out of time.

Out of time.

I couldn't be out of time.

I wanted to argue. I wanted to beg. I wanted to scream. All that happened was the smallest keening noise from my throat, the sound of something dying and something trembling, and I looked at my shaking hands.

"Ben, I can't," I whispered.

He paused. I couldn't see his face. "I can tell them. If you want."

No. It didn't matter who told them. It mattered that it was being told.

It mattered that they were going to find out, and I was going to lose them.

"It's going to be fine. It's not going to be what you thank, mate, they'll—everyone here is reasonable, they're not going to be mad for more than a little while, and they're not going to abandon you or give up on you." He was speaking quickly. Desperately. "Even if—even if this doesn't stay the same, it'll still be—you'll still have them, you'll still have us, I promise. I promise we're not going to leave you or leave you to the wolves, never again, I swear."

But we both knew that wasn't what I was afraid.

We both knew no matter what stayed the same, I couldn't stay with them, and they were safety. They were love and support and care and safety, and even I didn't lose them, I'd lose this.

"I'm so sorry, Alex." His voice was shaking almost as much as his hands.

I choked on my next words. I wouldn't break down. I couldn't break down, not now, not with everything going on. I couldn't and I wouldn't. That would be for later. For now—

Even through my closed door, I heard a knock from the front entrance.

My entire body went taut.

Fox was out of his seat in an instant.

"Stay here," he said, not even sparing me a backwards glance.

He slipped out of my door, closing it behind him, and I heard voices in the hall. They hadn't answered the door yet, because there was another knock.

I stared at my hands, my trembling fingers, and knew that I couldn't do this much longer.

I couldn't stay here. I couldn't remain as I was.

I couldn't be protected forever, though it was all I wanted.

I exchanged my sweatpants for some jeans and, after a bit of internal debate, Lion's sweatshirt for a sweater. I combed fingers through my hair as best I could and slipped to the door, cracking it.

"—not answering the door for a bloody stranger right now! Are you mental?"

I pushed it open and stepped into the hallway, feeling worn and open in a way that made me ache.

Lion and Fox were in the foyer, Bear in the living room, and Tiger in the entrance to the kitchen.

"He's not going away, though. I dunno, we should at least talk to him, set him straight—"

"Answer it," I said quietly.

Lion was the first to look at me. The others followed quickly, but I could see the surprise and then the hesitation. "Alex, no. Not right now. K-Unit's on the way for backup, the Sergeant set something up for us, in a few hours we'll be in a safe house—"

"They're not going to leave." Of that I was sure. If they hadn't left after knocking four times, they weren't going to leave, and it wasn't a casual visitor or a solicitor. "If it's MI6, they're not going to come in with guns. They'll come with manipulation and with blackmail, but we can push it off for a little while." I didn't know if I believed any of this. I just knew if we kept them waiting too long, they'd do something other than knock, and I wasn't going to risk them.

I steadied myself, and steadied my eyes, and I pushed away the frightened child who didn't want to be alone. I got rid of him.

He had no place on the battlefield, and with a sinking, horrifying feeling, I realized that once that door opened, that was what this untainted place of safety would become.

"Open it."

"No," Bear said, even as I saw Lion's shoulders give.

"You're staying back," Lion said with finality, and Fox looked like he was going to say something.

"Alex is right," Tiger said, but he didn't sound happy. "They're not going to leave. May as well deal with them early."

Fox pressed his lips together before cursing under his breath before backing up, quickly followed by Bear. They came to stand in front of me, and though I was mostly concealed from the doorway, I'd never felt more exposed as Lion approached the door.

"First sign of trouble, we're going for the window," Fox said quietly to me and Bear. "Lion and Tiger will follow."

But I knew there was no escape.

I took one more deep breath to force the fear into a corner, to force the terror and the loss and grief into a box and I shut the lid tight. I felt myself coil tight with anticipation, waiting to see Crawley, or Ms. Jones, or a faceless, nameless agent waiting to retrieve me.

Lion opened the door.

I couldn't see them beyond Fox and Bear, but I could hear them.

"Is, uh…is Alex Rider here?"

Everything in my body deflated.

Carefully, listening intently to Lion's defensive response, I pushed past Bear and Fox. They hissed warnings at me, but I had eyes only for the door, and I didn't even register their order to stay back.

I kept going until I could see around Lion and Tiger, putting myself in the sight of the person at the door.

Over Lion's shoulder, I met Edward Pleasure's eyes.

…

Fischer was not a man to leave things to chance.

Naturally, he took his fair share of calculated risks, but he rather preferred everything to be in order before committing to anything too large. He created carefully laid plans, and developed a number of contingencies for a variety of scenarios in which his plans unraveled or the situation changed. This served him quite well for many years and in many positions, and he knew it wouldn't fail him now.

That was why, when his secretary informed him that his guest was coming up the elevator to meet with him, he mentally reviewed his task list and priority placement for one of his plans before straightening his suit and checking the time. Punctual man.

Fischer had been rather pleased by the results of his experiment last night. He knew it was only natural for unit members of any special forces team to share a special kind of camaraderie—he himself knew something similar in his days with Bundesnachrichtendienst (A/N German Federal Intelligence Agency). However, according to his operatives, the unit members' care for him extended far beyond that—perhaps it was his age, real or fake, that created a natural desire to protect, or perhaps it was the boy's tendency to milk his prior experiences. Whatever the case, the boy was important to them, and they to Alex, and that would work quite nicely.

This particular plan seemed like it would go well, and was his second choice. His first choice was to take Alex and be done with it, detain him until he would see reason and serve his country as instructed, but that had been shot down. Apparently Alex Rider was quite the stubborn escape artist—it would be easier on everyone if he came willingly, through coercion or not. Fischer logically saw the benefits—it would be easier to defend his presence and involvement if they could cite his willing arrival, and it would be unwise to back down from an assignment once Alex himself got here, but Fischer found it tedious, nonetheless.

Oh, well. He'd accepted the office job regardless of his reservations—he supposed banality was something he'd have to become accustomed to.

Someone knocked on his door. "Come in," he said.

His guest entered, and like any trained operative, Fischer did a quick and thorough assessment. It was obvious immediately that he was a hollow man. His eyes were sunken things, shadowed and heavy, and his shoulders stooped as if he carried weight. He walked with shuffling steps, at a normal pace but dragging behind him, and his complexion was that of rotten milk—a sickly shade of off-white that accentuated the shadows in his face.

"Welcome," Fischer greeted with an amiable smile, gesturing to the armchair opposite him. With a hesitant, appraising glance, the man sat. "I trust your flight was comfortable."

The man reclined, seeming far too tired for pleasantries, but answered anyway. "It was fine, thank you. You said you wanted to talk about Alex Rider."

Straight to the point, then. Fischer was always one to appreciate expediency. "Yes. I was wondering if you could help me with something."

"Alex and I don't speak. We haven't in a long time."

"That is exactly what I'm counting on," Fischer admitted, pushing a file aside and leaning forward, eyebrows carefully creased in sympathy with his hands folded atop the desk. Fischer was always good with faces—emotions had always been a strong point of his, no matter how little he felt of them. Replication was simple. "I know you've had a hard time, sir. I'm very sorry to ask this of you, but we feel Alex is unsafe in his current situation. You know Alex, you know his stubbornness…we'd like you to help us convince him to find an alternative. Somewhere he can be safer."

The man cocked his head, and his eyes darkened. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but you lot put him in all this in the first place."

Fischer wanted to roll his eyes, but instead he dropped them in a carefully constructed imitation of reluctant shame. "…I know. Though I was not involved, I know of MI6's involvement, and I'm sickened. The recent leadership change made sure that Alex would never be used again, but…the only way we can atone is by ensuring that the rest of his life is lived in safety and at least contentment, don't you think? We're just afraid he won't give us the opportunity to try. That's where you come in."

Fischer could see the reluctance. He could see the distrust, the inability to reconcile atonement with the organization that had ruined a boy's life. However, Fischer did not leave things to chance.

"And…if I do this…" The man took a deep, achingly hollow breath, staring at his own reflection in Fischer's desk. "…you'll let me—"

"Yes. I will arrange a meeting. And a blackout of the cameras for a couple minutes, if that is what you wish," Fischer said.

And Fischer had to resist the urge to smile, because humans really were such simple creatures.

For the price of meeting and most likely injuring the man who killed his daughter, Fischer knew Edward Pleasure would do just about anything.

"…when?" Pleasure said quietly.

Then, Fischer did smile. "Our car is waiting."

One more piece fell just into its place.

…

I blinked. "I…"

Edward looked old. He'd looked older after the events on Air Force One, but now he looked old. His shoulders were slouched, and his eyes were sunken, deep shadows smudging the skin beneath him. He looked so bad, and guilt nearly crippled me.

"…Alex." His voice was small.

"You know him?" Lion asked, and I started, having been transfixed for a moment by the very sight of him.

I never thought I'd see him again.

"I…yes. This is, um…he adopted me, after Jack," I said, breathing slowly to make sure I didn't give away the panic in my lungs. Why was he here? How did he find me? "This is Edward Pleasure. He's Sabina's father."

The way Edward's face contorted when I said Sabina's name would haunt me for the rest of my life.

"…I'm very sorry for your loss," Lion said, ever the diplomat. "I'm sorry, but this isn't a good time."

"I need to speak to Alex," Edward said, sounding hollow. Sounding resigned and old and just—broken.

"Like I said, this isn't a good time. I really am sorry. I'll give you my number—"

"No, I want—I want to talk to him," I cut in, suddenly desperate to just—just to talk.

I didn't think we'd reconcile, I didn't think we'd make amends, but…but the man had taken me in when I had nowhere to go, and even if it had been stiff and awkward and at times forced, at times exasperated, he tried to be a father. He tried to give me a family and a home. I had never thanked him, not enough, and I…

I'd run. Just hours after I'd stolen their only child. Out of fear, and cowardice, I'd run like a thief in the night, and I had to apologize. Even if he never forgave me, even if he hated me, he had every right to, but I had to apologize. I thought I'd never get to. Consequences be damned, I couldn't let this opportunity pass.

"Tiger," Lion said, and Tiger wordlessly took his place in the door, blocking Edward from entering the flat.

He came quickly to my side. His eyes were worried. "Alex, this isn't the time—"

"I may never get a chance to talk to him again," I said pleadingly. "I never—I need to apologize, Lion, or just try—"

"You said it yourself, Alex. MI6 would come with manipulation and blackmail."

I paused.

I'd been so—so shocked, so caught off guard by Edward being the one at the door…I looked up at Lion, and his eyes were dark with sparks of anger and worry. What Lion was saying was entirely plausible. I wouldn't put it past—in fact, I would expect MI6 to pull something like this.

But that didn't change the fact that I had to talk to him.

I was sure Lion could see the decision on my face when I looked back at him.

So could Fox.

"No, Alex," he said warningly, moving swiftly to my side and sending a scathing glance at Lion, who looked like he was considering my request if for no other reason than he could see how important it was to me. "This is what MI6 is doing, this is what they want. They want you off your guard, in a vulnerable or compromising position, and that's when they start the manipulation or the blackmail. You know this, and you're smarter than this. We can just send him away."

They could. I knew they could. They could refuse him entry, and I didn't ever have to see him again.

But I didn't think I'd ever get another chance.

"…just a few minutes," I said, resolved.

I had to apologize, and listen to what he had to say, and maybe it was going to break me, but I had to hear it.

"Alex—"

"A few minutes," Lion agreed, returning Fox's glower with one of his own. "And I'm going to be there."

"Me too, if you're going to be a dumbarse," Fox said resignedly.

"Ummmm," Bear said quietly, coming up behind me. I turned. Trust him as I might, I couldn't have anyone at my back, not right now. He looked uncertain. "Just, uh…Snake just texted me, K-Unit just pulled in. It's…going to be a little crowded in a minute."

"Can we go to the park?" I asked. I didn't want to have the conversation in front of all of them, especially if he let something slip about my age. Although I knew time was running short on that, I wanted to hold on as long as I could, and…well, I wanted to decide how to tell them, if nothing else. Although the flat had a lot of rooms, it wasn't big, and the walls were thin. They'd hear most of what we said, whether they meant to listen or not. "It's just for a few minutes. You'll be with me the whole time."

"I don't like it," Fox said.

"We know," Tiger called from the door, still glaring daggers at Edward, who was looking a bit uncomfortable.

"You have fifteen minutes," Lion said with a hint of steel in his eyes.

And that was how I found myself sat on a park bench with Edward Pleasure in the freezing cold, Lion and Fox watching like hawks from a safe distance. There was space between us that felt much wider than the few feet it was. We were sitting in silence for a little while, and I felt the minutes ticking away, but I didn't know what to say.

"…how was your Christmas?" I asked quietly.

Edward started a bit, glancing at me, and sat up a bit straighter, clearing his throat. "Oh. It was…well, not the best. Liz and I…we divorced a few months ago. Just couldn't stay together after…everything."

I didn't think I could feel any guiltier for what I'd done with the Pleasures.

I was utterly wrong.

Nausea writhed in my stomach. "I'm—I'm so sorry—"

"You don't have to apologize for that," he said quickly, shaking his head and waving the apology off. I stared at the snow at our feet, my gloves Bear had forced on my stiff around my fingers. "We…Liz and I just…couldn't heal together. She's…I think she's doing better now. We still talk."

"…and you?" I asked tentatively. "How are you?"

Edward smiled into the snow. There was no happiness in it. "I'm managing."

I had a feeling he was managing about as well as I was.

I gathered the little courage I had left and squashed the nausea down into my stomach with an iron fist, and said, "…Edward, I…I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for Sabina. I really—" My voice caught in my throat, and it broke, but I continued. "If I had known…if I'd even had any idea, I never would've come. I never would've talked to her at Wimbledon. If I could trade places with her, I would, in a heartbeat. And I'm sorry I didn't stay, to…"

I trailed off, angry with myself for not being able to look him in the eye as I apologized, but I could just barely get the words out.

I'd been holding onto this apology for so long. This ache inside me was something I carried, something I'd tried to bury but something that always expanded, and it was too heavy to carry, but I carried it, because I owed this family that much. They'd taken me in and tried to give me another chance. A normal chance. I'd stolen their daughter and ruined their marriage.

The apology didn't alleviate any of the weight I thought it would, but I was still glad I'd been able to say it. I braced myself, ready for him to tell me that I couldn't apologize, that words were meaningless in the face of stolen life. I knew I'd deserve whatever he said.

"…I'm sorry too, Alex."

That…wasn't on the list of things I was expecting.

Steeling myself, I glanced at him. "I…what are you sorry for?"

Edward finally looked at me, and there was pain in his eyes beyond the pain I'd seen before. "You're…I'm sorry that I blamed you, and I'm sorry you've carried this for so long. I…you're just a child. You didn't pull the trigger, and you and Sabina never deserved any of what happened to you. Including this, and I'm…" Emotion choked him, but through tears in his eyes, he continued, "I'm sorry I wasn't…there for you. After she died. I only realized it weeks after everything, but…you're so young. And you were younger then, and…I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like you could stay."

"No, no, please don't—I know it was my fault," I said quickly as he wiped at his eyes, feeling a pit in my stomach open to a dangerously cavernous size. I was afraid it would swallow me and any remaining courage. "I don't—I can never make it up to you, and I knew I could never face you, and I didn't want to put you in further danger, that was why I left—"

"And what about you?" He interrupted, looking at me with shining eyes. I could only stare at him, on the edge of grief and panic, as he said, "I promised to protect you when I adopted you. And I failed, and I'm sorry."

Slowly, I felt myself sag. He wiped at his glasses and put them back on, adjusting his scarf as I stared.

He didn't…he didn't owe me an apology. But the pain in his voice was so raw I couldn't disagree with him.

"…it's okay," I said weakly, unsure of what else I could say.

"It's not. But thank you."

We collapsed back into the snowy silence, and I wondered how much time we had left. Fox and Lion were still watching intently from their bench, talking quietly among themselves but never looking away from us for too long.

"…why did you come here?" I asked finally, fully aware that it probably wasn't for the apology.

Edward's shoulders slumped. "You're in the SAS."

I hesitated. "Yes."

"But…you're too young."

Something like fear coiled in my chest. "I lied. But…I'm safe here. At least, I have people here, who…who care about me like family, and who I can trust. I don't mind being in danger as long as I have that."

Edward put his head in his hands, and I had a strong urge to comfort him, but I didn't know how. "That's not a life for a child, Alex."

I felt my hackles rise. "It is for me. It's all I can have right now." Somehow I thought it may have been more than I'd ever had.

Edward shook his head, almost to himself, and I saw him reach a decision. He took a deep breath and looked back at me, this tortured man with a hole in his soul, and said, "I stopped the adoption process when you left. Your custody still lies with MI6, and…they'd like to place you somewhere you can live safely, until you gain control of your own finances."

The cold had nothing to do with the way my body froze.

"…what?"

"They want to put you somewhere safe," he said again, and from the look in his eyes, I knew in my soul and in my mind that they had manipulated him to manipulate me. He believed everything he was saying. "Alex, this is dangerous. You could lose your life. Your health—you're already so injured, lad, please. Just give them a chance."

"A chance?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. "A…Edward, you know what they did to me."

"I do. But they're under new management now—"

"They're not," I argued, my voice suddenly quivering, and in my soul, I felt—what was this? I felt something like betrayal. "They just promoted the Deputy. She didn't want to use me, but she always did anyway. I'll be—I'll be so much worse off, Edward, surely you know that. You know that."

Edward grabbed my wrist, and I flinched bodily, trying to pull away, but he wouldn't let go, and suddenly the strength fled my body and I couldn't move. "This is going to kill you. You don't have to trust them, but trust me. I know this seems safe, but danger is danger, no matter who you have beside you. I'll be with you, we can find a place together—"

"Get your hand off him," Fox's voice said beside me, and suddenly they were there, him and Lion, disengaging Edward's desperate grip and putting themselves between us and—

And he wanted me to go back?

He was here asking me to go back?

"I want to go," I said suddenly.

I couldn't hear any more. I couldn't hear another word. Not another word.

"Then we're gone," Lion said decisively, shooting Edward a challenging stare when he tried to interject.

"Alex, please—"

"You heard him. We're done," Fox said behind us as Lion took my shoulder and walked us away. I didn't know how long Fox stayed behind to keep Edward away, but he was caught up with us by the time we made it to the flat building, and Edward was gone.

I barely remembered the walk, lost in thoughts that wouldn't stop spinning. I made my way up the stairs, well aware of Fox and Lion's worried eyes on the back of my head, but I kept going.

How could Edward possibly think I'd be safer with MI6? How could he think they were any different, even after I told him what they did to me? I knew I deserved nothing from him, and I knew he didn't owe me anything, but if he cared like he said he did—

Manipulation. MI6 was on the move.

We had to get to that safe house before they tried by force again.

I was so lost in my thoughts, so stupidly ignorant of my surroundings and distracted by the fear and the uncertainty weighing me down, that I walked right into the stranger in front of our flat.

I had no idea how it could happen. I knew I had to be on all the time. I knew people were after me, I knew the slightest hint of inattention could cost my life, my family's lives, but I'd been so angry with Edward and so preoccupied by the mounting fear that I didn't notice him until I was rounding the corner and stumbling into him.

I reeled back, almost jogging away from him, and Lion took my shoulders to steady me.

"Sorry," I said quickly, getting a good look at the man. He was tall and had a strong build, so his rigid posture gave him a big presence. He had a mustache that looked kind of like a cat's hairball had been flattened and glued on and salt and pepper hair that lay flat on his head. He was wearing a dark trench coat with leather gloves that he was pulling on, so I supposed he was leaving.

"No harm done," the man said with a plastic smile, and I was immediately on edge. I didn't like the look in his eyes, and I didn't know why he was leaving our flat. "Thank you for your hospitality, and I'm glad I could shed some light on the subject."

He wasn't talking to me on the last part, and I finally noticed Wolf in the door, watching the exchange. He looked at me.

I knew immediately that something was very, very wrong.

Wolf didn't look angry. He didn't look blank, or even remotely upset. The man just looked worn.

"Wolf?" I said hesitantly.

"You get the fuck away," he said pointedly to the man in the coat. "Fox, Lion, Cub, get inside."

They didn't have to be told twice. Lion very carefully kept hold of my shoulders and steered me towards the door, around the man who tracked me with his eyes, and I knew he was here for me.

"Wait," I said at the door, making eye contact with him, resisting when Lion tried to gently force me through the door. "Who are you?"

"Cub—" Wolf started.

"Amell Fischer. I am the Assistant Deputy Head of MI6. A pleasure to meet you in person," he said cordially, nodding his head in acknowledgment.

A bolt of fear went through me, but as soon as Edward had revealed his true intentions, I knew to expect more. I felt small under his stare, but I tried to appear confident as I narrowed my eyes and leveled my gaze. "What do you want?"

The smile he gave me was nothing short of vicious. "Only your safety. It is…dangerous…for someone as young as you to be doing these kinds of things, my boy. As one of your legal guardians, I felt it best to enlighten your deluded companions, as I am sure they agree with me."

Slowly, like the faint tick of a dying clock, the world narrowed to a single point.

I heard Wolf speaking behind me, but I couldn't hear what he said. His voice sounded so flat. Wolf never sounded like that. I felt Lion's hands tighten on my shoulders, I heard Fox curse but I couldn't hear the words, but none of that mattered outside this single little dot, this one fact, that became my world.

They know.

They know.

I hadn't taken my eyes from Fischer, but they were now unseeing, staring at some faceless representation of MI6 here to take and take and take.

And they'd taken.

I felt it begin to unravel. I felt the seams begin to loosen, the threads to tear, the ties to break. I felt the last platform holding me above rock bottom shatter. I felt something in my mind collapse.

They know.

They know.

They know, and now it's over.

I felt the final grain of sand pass through the bottleneck of the hourglass. I felt the clock finally stop ticking. I felt my time run out as poignantly as I felt the snipe wound, as viscerally as I felt the stab wounds and the burns. This scar was invisible, but it was one of the worst.

My vision whited out to a chorus of they knows tolling like funeral bells, and I collapsed in someone's arms and wished not to wake up.

A/N: …Merry Christmas?

Love you guys.

Thank you so so so so so much for all your continued love and support, especially those on Discord and my reviewers, whom I ADORE: Asilrettor, Wraith and Demjin, GrangerWinchester, Finnix, MillieM04, Fox, Cakemania225, jeps, marthecaterpillar, otterpineapple06, jhalverson227, OnlyABookworm, Guest, ViViluu, Guest please, Guest, Guest, storyspinner16, Cortanacordeliacarstairs, Lisbeth Mills, and Guest!

Finnix: HI HI HOW ARE YOU! Thank you! Oof ty I love the spiral metaphors in general. I knowwwww poor bb just couldn't hold it in anymore. Ugh I LOVE Lion. *looks away* um…well…here that is XD I HATE FISCHER AGH I WANNA KILL HIM. Oh, no, my love. It just means I have more room to make bad things happen. Hehhee. THANK YOU AND YES I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS

Fox: Thank you I love him! Hahahaha sorryyyyyyy. THANKS FOR JOINING!

Viviluu: Omg thank you so much, this was such a wonderful compliment! Wait that is literally so kind, I'm so humbled! Thank you, and I really hope I never do :)

Guest (Ahhhh such a good…): Thanks! Hehehehehhehehhe

Guest please: Hahaha he knows what's up! Ope. Well…that would've been one alternative. Oops. Thanks! METOO PUNCH ALL THE AGENTS! Thank you so so much!

Guest (HONY I was shocked…): Hahahaha that made me laugh XD Oh thank you! Yes it did hurt XD Hehehehehhehee. Lol you got it. Thanks!

Guest (oh snap this is not going to be good): got it in one :'). If it kills me I am going to make sure he gets punched. IT ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL. I love Lion too, and I'm glad you do as well :) Heheheheh. HEHEHEHHEE.

Storyspinner16: THANK YOU! Hehehe that's for me to know and you to find out! Thank you!

Cortana: Oh I'm sorry! I hope to see you on there soon! THANKS!

Guest (All I want for Christmas): Thank you so so much! I appreciate it!

Lisbeth Mills: Hahaha yeahhhhh I write dark stuff, sorry…I'm sorry again…umm…THANKS! Omg that is DEDICATION. Thank you so much!

…

Love you guys. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, and get ready for shit to hit the fan.