Boulevard Of Broken Dreams,
Chapter 29, And The Joke's On You
It happened the next day during divinations class. Everyone was split into groups of two so that they could practice reading stupid tarot cards for one another. For Severus tarot cards felt like too much of a game of chance to actually have any real go at accuracy. One just drew cards and hoped those random cards had some actual guidance? Though Severus had little faith in tarot cards, he had even less faith in working with other students. The social interaction that such required was always literally painful for him, even with members of his own house.
Everyone was either boorish and thick, causing him to do all the work while feeling resentful and extremely uncomfortable as he did so, or they were uppity and know-it-all, wanting to boss him about while not doing things as well as he could on his own. Either way he hated the experience because as a rule, he hated most people for the simple reason that most of them were problematic in some way or other. While Professor Trelawney was sorting people into pairs, Severus silently lamented, as he always did in such situations, that he couldn't just skip ahead two grades so that he might have classes with Heather and Raislen. If she made him work with one of the four Gits, he would claim to have a headache and ask to go to the hospital wing, he silently vowed. Otherwise, if he had to work with any of them he'd have detention and surely lose house points for hexing which ever git with whom he was made to partner into next year!
"Mr. Snape, you will partner with Mr. Mulciber," Trelawney said, and Severus sighed in relief. He didn't know Mulciber well even if the two were in the same house and year, but the other boy had never personally annoyed him, so that was something. As Severus was glancing around for him, Mulciber was already approaching Severus's seat. "I grabbed us a pack of cards," he said, gesturing to the small table at the front where Trelawney had stacked several tarot decks.
"Thanks," Severus said, forcing a smile. Mulciber was slightly shorter than Severus with a ratty looking face and short fine blond hair that looked disturbingly like the feathers of a baby duck. Meaning if one touched that hair, it would probably feel far too soft. He was being decent so far, though, so Severus ignored his creepily soft hair. Instead, he forced himself to focus on the stupid cards that Mulciber placed on the desk between them as he settled across from Severus.
"We shall start by one person asking a question and his or her partner seeking an answer in the cards," Professor Trelawney intoned dramatically.
"You want me to ask a question, or do you want to," Mulciber asked. He seemed cheerful enough about this stupid assignment, Severus thought darkly. Why?
"You can decide," Severus said. "I don't think these stupid things work anyway."
"Perhaps not," Mulciber agreed. "Let's give them a go and find out, though. You can have the first question. I can't think of one anyway."
Severus frowned. What would he ask? He found himself chuckling. "I can't either! How about, will I get to go to Raislen's for a holiday visit this year?" That was simple. He saw no reason why his mum wouldn't allow him to visit again when last year's visit had gone so well and she'd liked Raislen's parents. If the cards said no about that, well it would just prove that they were as inaccurate as Severus suspected them to be. Mulciber nodded gravely, then lifted the deck of cards carefully into his hands.
"First I shall shuffle them," he said. As he did so, Trelawney lit an incense, and the room quickly filled with the heady smell of what Severus assumed to be sandalwood. Mulciber placed the cards on the table, spread into a fan. "Go ahead," he invited."Draw five and place them face down."
Severus grinned. "I'm glad one of us was paying attention when it comes to how this should be done," he admitted. "At least now I'll be able to follow your lead and do this properly when it's your turn to ask a question."
Mulciber grinned back. "Hey I'm rubbish at Herbology, so I get where you're coming from. I don't trust any fuckin' plant that can move and bite me or scream and kill me, you know? Fuck that. If I get hurt, I want to be able to fight back, and I'm not getting that vibe from the bloody stupid plants, you get me?"
Severus laughed again. "It's just knowing how to handle the plants really, but yes, I understand where you are coming from. If we're ever sorted into pairs in Herbology, I'm happy to be your partner and help you out any time you'd like," he offered impulsively.
Mulciber smiled. "Hey, thanks! I just might take you up on that."
Severus sighed and glanced down at the freshly shuffled deck of cards. "Very well, let us get this rubbish over with," he muttered. Drawing in a deep breath, he picked up the first card and placed it onto the table. He then reached for the next.
"Wait," Mulciber said. "You're supposed to hold the cards and even shuffle them again if you like, or you know, at least not just pick from the top."
Severus blinked. Why? Rather than wondering this aloud,, he simply nodded and picked up the cards. He was rubbish at shuffling, so he just began to draw cards from different points of the deck, placing each face down. Mulciber didn't comment again, so he assumed this was suitable. When he'd chosen the fifth card, he replaced the deck on the table and waited.
"Very well, then," Mulciber said. Nodding gravely to himself, he began carefully turning each card over. "Four are in reverse and only one is upright, so it looks as if you'll get an invite, but not be allowed to go," he said.
Severus felt his stomach sinking with disappointment before he remembered that this was just a stupid pack of cards and no true form of actual divining. "Very well. Thanks. Your turn to ask a question, I suppose." He picked up the deck and did his best to shuffle them, though he knew he wasn't nearly as smoothly polished at it as Mulciber. He had played card games often with his father as a child, but no matter how many times Tobias had attempted to show him, he'd never truly gotten the hang of the bloody shuffle!
"Hm," Mulciber said. He bit his lip in thought. "I think I want to know if... Eu what's that fuckin' smell!"
Severus opened his mouth to remind the other boy that Professor Trelawney had just lit incense a bit ago when the foul odor struck his nose as well. It was most certainly not incense! The sound of mingled shrieks and laughter had him glancing across the room to where James and Sirius sat near Remus and Peter. Like everyone else, they had tarot cards spread out before them. All four of the gits looked quite horrified as the students around them pointed, laughed, shrieked and in a few cases gagged.
"Oh my god, something literally died in their pants," a red haired Gryffindor girl practically shouted. She was one of the few who had actually been gagging when Severus first glanced over.
"Oh shut it, Evans, we have not," Sirius snapped. "It had to have been something in those eggs we had for breakfast. The rest of you shall be suffering as well soon, so don't laugh too hard!"
"That smell really isn't natural," another Gryffindor girl said firmly. "I literally think you all should go to the hospital wing." Professor Trelawney was coughing as she opened all three of the room's windows to let in some fresh air. As the stench continued to waft over to Severus's side of the room, he tended to agree with the girl who'd said the smell wasn't natural. It smelled of rotten Sulfur but had an odd motor car chemical smell in it as well.
"I think I need to be excused," Peter said. As he stood, the smell got even worse. Everyone around the group of Gits screamed.
"Oh man, I think he shit himself," Mulciber said excitedly. Cackling with glee, he leaned around Severus to have a better look. "Yep it's for sure shit! It's even in his chair!" In a louder voice he called. "Go Go Gryffindor!"
"This is not funny," Professor Trelawney nearly howled. "Fifty points from Gryffindor. Now get out of here, all four of you! Go to the Headmaster this instant!"
"But Professor... It really isn't our fault," Remus Lupin said miserably. "If we might only be excused to wash up. I fear that all of us have had incredibly embarrassing accidents." Oh blessed Merlin! Had they all actually literally soiled themselves? Severus thought he may be having the best day ever if so. Then it hit him. This had to be Raislen's revenge! Only how had he done it? Severus would be finding out later, that was for sure.
"I'm telling you, it was bad eggs," Sirius groaned. His belly made a dangerous rumbling noise then that carried all the way over to Severus's side of the room. He bent double across his desk, causing his spread of tarot cards to slide onto the floor.
"It really does hurt, Professor," James gasped. He clutched at his stomach and Severus was positively gleeful to see that his cheeks were flushed with embarrassment and probably misery as well. Good. That was very good. That pained expression looked absolutely perfect on James Potter's obnoxiously arrogant face. Severus was so happy, he was nearly high with it, but he kept most of this off of his face with an effort. Instead of showing the utter and complete joy he was experiencing, he kept a look of contempt on his face as he regarded the four Gryffindors. "That lot will do anything for attention," he told Mulciber. "Literally anything."
"Clean that foul mess up this instant, and then get yourselves to the Headmaster's office directly," Trelawney bellowed. "And don't give me any ifs, ands, or buts."
"She said butts," Mulciber whispered with a gleeful chuckle. "Get it, she said butts!"