MIND YOUR MANNERS - CHAPTER 1
"Boys, your future wives might be here, and you must behave accordingly," said Lady Matlock. "Edward, you cannot stay in the cardroom all night and talk only to your friends, you must go and actually meet some new ladies."
"Must I?" said Lord Hartwell.
"Yes, you must marry and provide an heir to the earldom," his mother said.
"I have never met anyone I was interested in marrying," he said.
"Yes, I know, and that is why we are here," she said. "With any luck, the matter will be decided for you."
He shrugged. "I am not opposed to marriage as such, but I have little enthusiasm for the marriage mart."
"Yes but this is different," said Lady Matlock. "You do not go to this event to find a wife, you go there and hope that your wife finds you."
She turned to her younger son. "Richard, you cannot tell any of your stupid jokes to people you are just meeting."
"Aww, mama," Colonel Fitzwilliam said.
"Do not aww mama me, you know that I am right. You do not wish to be reminded of some stupid pick-up line for the rest of your life."
"You are under arrest for stealing my heart?"
"Yes! Things like that," Lady Matlock said. "If you think it is funny, do not say it. And Darcy, I absolutely forbid you to insult anyone."
"Would I do that?" Mr. Darcy said.
"Yes, you would! Left to your own devices, you might very easily tell the future Mistress of Pemberley that she's not tempting, or not handsome enough, or…"
"Or that it would be a punishment to stand up with her," suggested Colonel Fitzwilliam.
"Thank you, Richard. Listen to me, Darcy, you do not wish to be married to a woman who can wield some boorish remark of yours as a weapon for the rest of her life."
Lord Matlock agreed heartily. Incidentally, the first thing he had ever said in the future Lady Matlock's hearing was, "She a beauty! I should as soon call her mother a wit." His wife had never allowed him to forget it. It did not endear him to his future mother-in-law either, and judging by the vast variety of snarky insults that the estimable lady had flung at him over the years, he might as well have called her a wit to begin with.
At Longbourn, there was conversation along similar lines.
"Oh, you all look your very best," said Mrs. Bennet. "I hope that your future husbands will all be there, and that they have at least five thousand per annum."
"Mind your manners," said Mr. Bennet. "If your future husbands are there, you do not wish to embarrass them by saying something ill-judged."
The Bennet girls had never found out what their parents' first words to each other had been, and Mr. and Mrs. Bennet intended to keep it that way.
"You must be absolutely sure of the facts before you state anything. Lydia, Kitty, you must say nothing fun and flirty. It might be endearing now but he will not feel the same once you have both lived with the memory for decades. Mary, Elizabeth, hardly anything is clever enough for daily reminders. It would be best to be reserved, nice and polite, like Jane."
The Valentine's Day ball was the most anticipated event in Meryton. The location in Hertfordshire was a bit out of the beaten path but in past years, many marriages had started there. Sir William Lucas was the master of ceremonies and made all the introductions, and he was very proud of his records, taking credit for all the weddings as if he made the matches himself. Although more likely it was just fate taking its course.
"I wonder what the destiny has in store for us this time," Sir William said. "Mrs. Bennet, I hope that this will be your lucky year."
"So do I," said Mrs. Bennet.
He introduced the Bennet girls to several gentlemen.
"This is Mr. Bingley," he said.
"Hello," Mr. Bingley said.
"Nice to meet you," Miss Bennet said. They also greeted Mr. Bingley's sisters, and his brother-in-law Mr. Hurst, but as Mr. Bingley was the only bachelor so he was of the most interest. Mindful of Mr. Bennet's warnings, the conversation was polite but rather commonplace. None of the Bennet ladies said anything worth remembering but Mr. Bingley seemed ready to be charmed regardless.
Next, Sir William introduced them to a number of officers from the -shire militia. Their names were Carter, Pratt, Chamberlayne and Wickham. They were an affable lot, and after the greetings they paid the Bennet girls some nice compliments, although nothing to write home about.
Most notable among the new acquaintances was Viscount Hartwell. Then they met the viscount's brother, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and their cousin, Mr. Darcy from Derbyshire. They were very fashionable but after they had exchanged greetings everyone seemed wary, and there was a lot of difficulty supplying each other with conversational topics. Luckily Sir William was there and he had more people to introduce.
"May I introduce the Miss Bennets to you, Lady Catherine de Bourgh," Sir William said. "And her daughter, Miss de Bourgh. Lady Catherine is these gentlemen's aunt, and Miss de Bourgh is their cousin. And this is Mr. Collins. He has recently been ordained."
Everyone said hello.
"Nice to meet you," Miss de Bourgh murmured, and said nothing else afterwards. She seemed like a sickly, cross creature who would have preferred to fade into the tapestries, rather than dance.
"And have you all met my daughter, Miss Lucas?"
It was all perfectly polite, and not very memorable.
"This is the dullest ball that I have ever been in," Miss Lydia complained. "Last year, there was a fight in the supper room when some couple matched right there at the ball. He had told her that she was the most beautiful girl in the room and she thought that it was so romantic, but then she found out that he had said the same thing to four other girls, and hit him with her reticule."
"Yes, but they are very happily married now," Sir William said. "It is the love that counts."
"And once there was a man who said that if his future wife was one of the people in the room he would cry," Mrs. Bennet said. "And of course his future wife heard everything, and she threatened to kill him."
"They have four children, and he is still alive," Lady Lucas said. "We think."
Occasionally, the matches were immediately obvious in the ball room but this was rare. Usually the soul marks appeared in discreet locations and were noticed when people changed clothing later. The tradition was that everyone who thought they found their match the previous night gathered in Lucas Lodge the next afternoon, where the marks were tallied, and afterwards verified by Sir William, for the gentlemen, and Lady Lucas, for the ladies.
"Ladies and gentlemen," said Sir William. "I have some good news, and some bad news. This has been a very productive year, as we have had a record number of soul marks this time, and there are going to be many weddings before the spring."
"Was that the good news or the bad news?" Mr. Darcy asked.
"This is most excellent news," said Mrs. Bennet who was feeling giddy. Finally there would be husbands for her daughters. And what a spectacular wedding she could plan. Five daughters married at the same time!
"The bad news is that we are having some trouble matching the soul marks to their respective partners," Sir William said. "As you know, I have made all the introductions and I can usually remember who said what and tell you who matched with whom."
"It is a special talent Sir William has," Lady Lucas said. "And on a few occasions, insults were involved, and that made it particularly memorable."
"But it seems that people have learned from the errors of their predecessors," said Sir William. "This year, no lady was called tolerable, and there was not a single soul who said they were in no humour to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. Gentlemen, I congratulate you, you have managed to start your relationship off on the right foot."
"So, everyone was polite?" Colonel Fitzwilliam asked. "Why is this the bad news?"
"Well, politeness would not be bad news as such," Sir William said. "It is just that all the ladies have soul marks that say, 'Hello', and all the gentlemen's soul marks say, 'Nice to meet you', and we currently have no way of telling who matched with whom."
"Darcy matched with my daughter," said Lady Catherine de Bourgh decisively. "My daughter and my nephew are formed for each other. They are descended, on the maternal side, from the same noble line; and, on the father's, from respectable, honourable, and ancient, though untitled, families. Their fortune on both sides is splendid. They are destined for each other by the voice of every member of their respective houses, and this is merely the last step in confirming the tacit engagement that will constitute their happiness."
"But Aunt Catherine, my match could not be Anne," Mr. Darcy protested. "I have known her for all my life, and the soul mark appears when you say your first words to a person."
"Well, exactly," said Lady Catherine. "When have you ever heard Anne speak before?"
"I have not," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. "Admit it, Darcy, whenever you have visited Rosings, you have spent your time poring over the ledgers or staring out of the many windows in your taciturn manner so there is a very good chance that Anne has not heard you speak before either." Their aunt was quite talkative and unlikely to let anyone get a word in edgewise. The Colonel was not a natural born diplomat but he feared death enough to leave it unsaid.
"I shall put you two down as a tentative match for now," said Sir William. "Subject to change. This is very unorthodox, and I do not believe that we have ever matched cousins before. To tell you the truth, it seems like a waste of everyone's time, as you might have spoken to each other at any time these past twenty-five years or so."
"Maybe I am your match, Mr. Darcy," said Miss Bingley.
"No, Miss Bingley, I have known you for four years and you have definitely spoken to me before," said Mr. Darcy, in a crushing blow to Miss Bingley's dearest hopes.
"Next, we have Miss Bennet," said Lady Lucas. "Her soul mark is rather difficult to interpret but her sisters, Mrs. Bennet and I have all agreed that it probably says 'Hello' like the others."
"Why is it difficult?" Sir William asked.
"The writing is very careless, and it looks like the writer made some corrections under the smudges and scratches and inkblots."
"Oh, it must be Bingley," said Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam in unison.
Mr. Bingley was asked to provide a handwriting sample, and the ladies who had seen Miss Bennet's soul mark agreed that it was a match.
"Capital, capital," Sir William said. "I shall put that down as a definite pairing and wish you much joy in your future together."
Miss Bennet and Mr. Bingley retired into a private corner of the room to court in peace, and had very little interest in anyone else for the rest of this story.
"Now, there is one further complication," said Sir William. "As for the ladies, we have four more Bennet sisters to match. There is Miss Elizabeth, Miss Mary, Miss Catherine, and Miss Lydia. Then we have Miss Bingley, and my daughter, Charlotte."
"Why is that a problem?" Colonel Fitzwilliam said. "They all seem like lovely ladies and deserve all the happiness."
"The thing is," Sir William said, "Lord Hartwell, Colonel Fitzwilliam, Mr. Collins, Captain Carter, and Mr. Wickham all have marks that say, 'Nice to meet you', but we are short of one gentleman."
"Some scoundrel did not show up?" Mrs. Bennet said, incensed.
"He could be dead in a ditch," said Miss Lydia. "I like a man in a red coat so I think that my match is you, Colonel Fitzwilliam."
"No, I am not," said Colonel Fitzwilliam. He was a military man with a commanding air and did not respond well when he was told what to do. "You are much too young to marry."
"Richard, you are used to making quick, intuitive decisions, and it usually works for you," said Lady Matlock. "I think that you know who your match is."
"Right," said Colonel Fitzwilliam, and considered this for a while. Then he quickly and intuitively pointed his finger at the group of young ladies. "Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock, the clock struck one, the mouse ran down, hickory dickory dock."
"Whimsical, clever, original," said Sir William. "We have never made matches that way before, but who is to say that it does not work."
"Miss Mary it is," said Colonel Fitzwilliam.
Miss Mary would have preferred to be chosen on some other merit than a nursery rhyme but she had been dreading that the author would match her with Mr. Collins so she was happy enough to go with this pairing. Mrs. Bennet thought that the second son of an earl was an excellent match for Mary. Lady Matlock thought that Miss Mary looked sensible and sober and she was satisfied that she would be a calming influence on her impulsive youngest child.
"Now, who is next? Lord Hartwell?" Sir William asked.
Lord Hartwell was more indecisive than his brother but luckily Lady Catherine was at hand to help him.
"Nomen est omen," she said. "Consider my name. It means pure, and I am the namesake of Catherine the great."
"Right," Lord Hartwell said, slightly confused.
"It was also my mother's name, and you are undoubtedly going to name your first daughter Catherine."
"Am I?"
"Of course you are," Lady Catherine said. "Considering all this, it would be only right if you marry Miss Catherine."
Although he found some of his aunt's reasoning difficult to follow, the feminine squeals of delight informed Lord Hartwell that his future bride was in complete agreement and that his future mother-in-law was disposed to be much friendlier towards him as Lord Matlock's mother-in-law had been, so this too was soon considered a settled thing.
"Now, we still have Miss Elizabeth, Miss Lydia, Miss Bingley, and my Charlotte to find bridegrooms for," Sir William said.
"And only three gentlemen," Lady Lucas said. "Mr. Wickham, Mr. Collins, Captain Carter."
"Has anyone got any ideas how to solve this dilemma?" Sir William asked.
"We could play musical chairs," Miss Lydia said.
"We are spoiled for choice," Mr. Wickham said gallantly. "There are four extremely lovely ladies here, and a man would be lucky to marry any of you."
"Do any of you gentlemen have estates?" Miss Bingley asked.
"Currently, no," said Mr. Collins. "But I am in the blessed state to be the heir to my cousin's estate, through an entailment, although I have never seen it. The disagreement subsisting between my cousin and my late honoured father always gave me much uneasiness, and, since I have had the misfortune to lose him, I have frequently wished to heal the breach, but, for some time, I was kept back by my own doubts, fearing lest it might seem disrespectful to his memory for me to be on good terms with anyone with whom it had always pleased him to be at variance."
"We can understand that," said Miss Lucas. "Are you going to try to heal the breach then?"
"Yes," Mr. Collins said. "As a clergyman, I feel it my duty to promote and establish the blessing of peace in all families within the reach of my influence; and on these grounds I flatter myself that my present overtures of good-will are highly commendable, and that the circumstance of my being next in the entail of Longbourn estate will be kindly overlooked on my cousin's side, and not lead him to reject the offered olive branch."
"Longbourn?" Miss Elizabeth exclaimed.
"Yes, Longbourn is the estate that belongs to my cousin," Mr. Collins explained. "May he live a long life."
"Wait a minute, we live at Longbourn," said Mrs. Bennet. "You are Mr. Bennet's cousin?"
Mr. Collins confirmed that his most venerable cousin's name was Bennet. "Although we have never met."
"It is very unfair that a complete stranger such as you should inherit, and you should have thought better of it a long ago," said Mrs. Bennet.
He apologized profusely. Unfortunately it is not the object of this work to give a description of his entire speech, remarkable though it was in its wordiness.
"If you marry one of my daughters I suppose it does not matter," Mrs. Bennet said, much later. "Lydia, you must be this man's match so you can become the mistress of Longbourn."
"That would be the second match between cousins in this session," said Sir William. "Very strange, and I am not certain that I approve. I do not understand why you need to trouble Lady Lucas and myself with these affairs. I am sure people as close as cousins could sort these things out in their own family circle."
"But we have never met Mr. Collins before," said Mrs. Bennet. "He is not a close relation, more like an accident."
"Tell us about your background," Miss Bingley asked the two remaining gentlemen. Mr. Wickham was a little evasive about his ancestry but eventually it turned out that his father had been a steward.
"My father's steward, as a matter of fact," said Mr. Darcy. "The elder Mr. Wickham was an excellent man."
"And the younger?" Sir William asked.
Mr. Darcy could not be drawn into a conversation about the younger Mr. Wickham's merits, and the discussion turned to Captain Carter.
Captain Carter was a third son of a minor country gentleman and expected no inheritance from any quarter. "I would prefer to marry a sensible, prudent woman who knows how to live frugally and would not mind moving with the regiment," he said.
"I do not think that my match is here," Miss Bingley said. "It must be the one missing gentleman. I am sure he was detained on important estate business, and will arrive later. Miss Lucas, Miss Elizabeth, meet your future husbands."
Previously, Miss Lucas and her parents had contemplated the potential matches and agreed that Captain Carter seemed like the better prospect of the two officers from the militia. Mr. Wickham was more handsome but handsome would not pay the bills. She was very sorry that there was no one better left for her friend, Miss Elizabeth, but hopefully their cheerful temperaments and amiable discourse would be a consolation in the inevitable poverty they would live in.
Miss Lucas was a practical soul who believed that there is much of gratitude or vanity in almost every attachment. One might always begin freely—a slight preference was natural enough; but very few had heart enough to be really in love without encouragement. In her opinion, in nine cases out of ten, a woman had better show more affection than she felt. Miss Lucas was not in love with Captain Carter and he was not in love with her - they had just met yesterday, for heaven's sake! But he might never do more than like her, if she did not help him on. When she was secure of him, there would be leisure for falling in love as much as she chose.
So she smiled very prettily at Captain Carter, touched his arm, and told him that she thought that they might deal very well together. He was by no means unreceptive, and Lady Lucas thought that it seemed very promising.
"Well, I suppose it is just the two of us then, Miss Elizabeth," Mr. Wickham said. "Would you mind telling me what your dowry is?"