Rose

Breathing took less effort.

Of all the things running through my mind – the fact that my chested ached a little less captivated my attention.

When I left for my run the last thing I expected, the last thing I had wanted, had been for him to follow.

Groaning mentally, even I knew I couldn't convince myself of that one.

I wanted him to come after me. I've waited for it. Dreamed of it every damnable night.

The moment I stepped out of the house I knew it. I knew he'd follow. In hindsight, it had never been a question of whether or not he would. I knew him. I felt no satisfaction with my childish test. I felt confused, and, if possible, even more hurt than before.

It frustrated me beyond words. Because this time, this time I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to be disappointed. I wanted a reason to stay angry. I wanted to hold all of this closer to my chest. To be able to scream if I wanted. I wanted the disappointment to justify my feelings. To give me a reason to stay hurt. I got exactly what I wanted. But now that I had it, I had no idea what to do with it. I wanted him to follow, and he did.

Now he was just ten months too late. At least, that is what I have been trying to convince myself.

My chest felt strangely free, but, somehow, I felt a little more broken than I had before.

He was back, saying words that I had given up on. But that hadn't stopped me from longing to hear them all the same. Night after night, day after day, month after month it had been the same thing. Time had done nothing to numb the pain, only silencing it. Sorry. My sweetest dreams always involved that word. Until now.

Sorry.

The word did nothing to soothe the burns. There was no sudden relief. No breath of fresh air. The stars didn't align.

Sorry wasn't supposed to splinter the already shattered pieces. Sorry had never hurt more.

Sorry. I don't think either of us knew what to do with sorry. There was so much pain wrapped up in that little word. It meant everything and nothing at all at the same time.

Sorry… It didn't change anything. As it turns out, sorry is just another word.

FUCK! I screamed internally. Fuck off, fuck this, and fuck him.

I found myself longing for the silence that had separated us for so long. One word and he had my head spinning. I wish it would stop. All of it.

I wish I could blink and he disappear. I wish I could blink and we'd be back in my dorm room.

I was sorry too though. Sorry that I couldn't just let go.

The worst part of him being here was that, when it came down to it, he would leave again. I would let him. And I'd be at square one again.

I had been prepared to pretend it all hadn't happened. The cabin, the attack, graduation… all of it. Sure, I was shocked when I saw him, but who wouldn't have been? I even called him Comrade, I wanted to show him that I could do it, that he hadn't left behind a broken little girl. I had it figured out - two weeks was nothing in comparison to the past year. I was willing to pretend and made the effort, but it was him. It was him who couldn't hold it together, which was something altogether new, confusing, and frustrating as hell.

Sorry. Sorry, my ass. Sorry we couldn't even save our dignities and pretend… why couldn't he have just let me go?

There were so many things I had wanted to tell him, a thousand thoughts rushed to me all at once, but when the opportunity came... I couldn't. I no longer could be angry at him. I no longer wanted to be.

That was the real kicker.

From the moment I heard his footsteps pounding behind mine I knew I would spend the rest of my life not hating Dimitri Belikov.

It was like a candle against the wind. I never stood a chance.

The simple fact that I couldn't muster genuine anger towards him made me all the more frustrated. Yeah. That's my life in a nut shell. Angry because I didn't feel angry.

My pathetic inner monologue aside, when it came down to it, I still wanted to trust him. Maybe not with my heart, but with everything else. Deep down I knew that his intentions were always for the best, even when I didn't understand them.

After all this time, I still wanted to believe the best of him.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, I chanted to myself.

The idea of not forgiving him was eating away at me. Maybe that was for the best, maybe I could really start moving on. But I didn't want to, if I was still being honest. There would always be a part of me that held on to him. I knew that too. Why couldn't I just let him go?

Knowing didn't fix anything though.

I was suddenly just tired. My head and heart wanted two different things. My heart longed for him. My head wanted to leave him alone. My stomach was in knots.

There were so many things that I didn't understand. All of which could be summed up in a word: Dimitri.

I had exactly an hour and a half from when Lissa had told me to prepare myself for our unexpected guests. Ninety minutes to pull myself together. Something I had spent the past ten months working on. I had the act down to an almost science, but it wouldn't stand a chance against the real thing. The fact that my friends had caught only glimpses of what the past year has been like for me was a true testament to my acting skills. I prided myself on what I had been able to hide, but they didn't notice the half of it. It took Dimitri all of five minutes to see through it all.

Sorry. That fucking word destroyed ten months and ninety minutes of work.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to have moved on by the time we met again. It wasn't supposed to hurt this much. He wasn't supposed to come after me. He left. He chose to leave. He said it himself that he had intended to stay away but life seemed to have other plans.

Why now?

I was under no illusions. He was not here for me. He was here because Tasha was. Something I had been avoiding thinking about. He didn't have to come after me. Once more, it was our career that led him to me. It didn't have to be anything more than that. A job. Something that I've always been to him. Accompanying Tasha on our trip was a given. Following me seemed cruel under the circumstances. Wasn't one heartbreak enough?

Questions buzzed around my head like angry bees. Something wasn't right. The ends didn't meet.

Maybe I was just over thinking it, but I couldn't leave it alone. I knew the logical thing was just to let him explain, but that meant something else entirely. I wasn't ready to face him like that.

He was here because Tasha wanted to be. That, at least, made sense. It was the same reason I'd finish my undergrad with a degree in Political Science and minor in Psychology. Because of Lissa. That is what Lissa wanted. I was wherever she needed to be, and I am happy for it. Dimitri Belikov running after me did not follow the complicated balance that I have come to expect.

My thoughts grew darker as I thought of Tasha standing behind him the hallway. Her hand on the small of his back was like a slap in the face. I guess I had expected the jealousy, but what I hadn't been prepared for was the intense feeling of betrayal. It was stupid that a simple, intimate, gesture would be cause for the unmovable lump in my throat.

A heavy knot weighed in the bottom of my stomach. He wasn't here for me. His footsteps echoing behind mine were for his own guilty conscience. If I knew anything about Dimitri, it was that he couldn't stand to let people down. To him I probably seemed like the naïve teenager who had fallen too hard for her teacher. He probably felt sorry for me.

If that was the case, I'd free him of his worries. I wasn't naïve. I never had been. I knew what I had gotten myself into then just as well as I do now. For me, nothing had changed, but he didn't need to carry that kind of burden. No one deserved to live like that, especially if I could help it. I knew firsthand how he has carried Ivan's death with him. I wouldn't do that to him. If my forgiveness meant freedom for him, then he could have it.

In the midst of this piss storm of emotions I sensed contentment there too. Something had been righted. As weird as everything was, I was suddenly just so … content.

He was back.

The ache was bearable with him here. Granted, maybe not for long but I could be okay with the now. I would have to be.

That run had helped me in ways even I didn't understand. It was strange when the problems you were running from were suddenly the things that you were running with, helping you along.

My runs were my venting sessions. No one was there to watch the tears run down my cheeks, or to witness my weakest moments. I wasn't Guardian Hathaway, I wasn't the rebellious teenager who disobeyed orders to save her mentor. I wasn't the most celebrated Guardian of the age. I was just Rose. Like I had been when Lissa and I had run away. Before a tall Russian had stepped into my life.

I was allowed to lick my wounds in peace. Those runs had been the only things keeping me sane for the past ten months- they allowed me to let down the façade. I didn't need to be okay.

As much as I needed them, I hated them. But none of that happened today. Having Dimitri run with me was a therapy in its own. I had someone to breathe in the pain with me. Someone who knew the "just Rose".

In truth as more time passed those runs became less about Dimitri and more about me. I needed that time to find me, to understand what my next step was. They were never really about Dimitri. They were about me figuring myself out. My problems didn't matter as I ran. For a short amount of time, every day, I was faster than they were.

"Rose?" His concerned laced voice broke me from my thoughts.

At some point I had stopped walking, pausing at the door. Dimitri stood behind me, just as godly as ever, waiting.

"Just lost in thought." I shrugged, with nonchalance that I didn't feel.

He accepted my answer with a nod, stepping around me to hold the door open.

My heart skipped a beat.

The smells of seasoning invaded my senses as we stepped into the house. I guess they had gotten around to preparing dinner. They being Christian and Darren. Christian was a good cook. Despite how big of a pain in the ass he could be, he made up for it with his culinary skills, but Christian and Darren cooking together was heavenly. You could hear the choir of angels hymns at the first bite.

Alright, maybe that was an overkill. Nonetheless, their cooking was top notch. And tonight we were having stakes. My mouth watered at the thought.

Despite the smells, the house lacked the loud voices that I had become accustomed to with a house full of vampires. Before panic could truly set in, the sound of the patio doors sliding open made us aware of noise coming from the backyard.

"Rose?" Lissa's tentative voice called out, amusement clear in her tone. "Rose?" she called out again a little louder when I didn't answer immediately, making her way through the kitchen and dining room.

"In here!" I called back from where Dimitri and I stood still in the open doorway. Closer than I had realized. Close enough for me to feel the body heat that radiated off of him on my back.

I was tempted. Oh so tempted to lean back against his chest, to erase those few inches that separated us. Glancing up I found his eyes trained on my face. His breathing hitched as my eyes met his; the surprised arch of his eyebrow told me that he too was taken off guard of by our close proximity.

In ten months, this was as close as we had been to each other. The closest I'd never imagine us to be again. Every muscle in my body burned to reach out to him. The sweetest form of torment. My heart thumped with the strange rhythm of panic.

"Rose…Oh?" Lissa's stopped short of the living room her blond eyebrows nearly disappearing into her hairline as she took in Dimitri and I, practically standing on top of each other with my back nearly pressed against his chest gazing into each other's eyes.

I could only imagine how this looked. I nearly groaned as she tried to hide the smirk that quirked up the sides of her mouth. It looked exactly how it was. Dimitri and I caught up in a moment.

Damn.

I tried for nonchalance again, narrowing my eyes ever so slightly at my best friend who was failing to hide her smile from me.

"Hey, Liss. What's all the fuss about?" I asked, refusing to be the one who moved away first.

"Hmm? Oh.. nothing…" she mumbled still smiling with that annoying knowing glint in her eyes.

'You two sure look cozy.' She thought smugly through the bond.

I clenched my jaw, refusing to acknowledge her statement. "What's going on in the backyard?"

I could virtually feel the rise and fall of his chest with each breath that he took. Emotions clouded my logic. Still, I couldn't bring myself to move, but that traitorous part of me also pointed out that he wasn't trying to get away either.

With more effort than should have been necessary I stepped away from what I had once believed would always be my safe haven.

The smirk that had lingered around Lissa's lips disappeared. 'Rose. I am sorry. I didn't mean- '

I wanted to tell her not to worry about it. To tell her that I understood, but instead I just smiled as if nothing had happened. Not even faltering as I heard the sad sigh escape his lips.

"What's all the fuss about? Christian finally managed to set the pool on fire?" Just as I had hoped, the memory succeeded in bringing a genuine smile to her face, distracting her.

Laughing she shook her head, "No, even better. But you have to come and see this for yourself!" Leaving no room for argument, she grabbed me by the arm trying to drag me to the patio doors. "Dimitri, I don't think you are going to want to miss this one either." She added as an afterthought, the mischievous smirk returning before she continued with her mission to get me to the backyard.

The sun was low in the sky casting a hazy golden glow around the yard. And there, just left of the pool on the grassy area stood Adrian on the mats that Eddie and I sometimes practiced with. Holding himself in what had to be the sloppiest defense position that I had ever witnessed with Tasha circling him waiting for the most opportune moment. They were sparring.

And from the looks of it Adrian wasn't going to last very long. Already he looked winded. A quick jab to his side had him stumbling, a well-placed kick behind his knee and he was lying face down on the foam mats with Tasha standing over him smiling broadly.

"Hey! Ivashkov! No drooling on the mats!" I called out, biting my lip to keep from laughing outright. Groaning he turned his head to look at me.

"Laugh all you want, beautiful, but I like the view better from this angle anyway." He said trying to smirk but only managing a scowl as he tried to move his sore body.

"I'm sure you do." I answered crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well not when you ruin my view like that." He complained.

Tasha offered a helping hand to Adrian, pulling him back to his feet. Her dark hair shined in the afternoon glow. My stomach churned with heat.

"I'd say that I was going easy on you, but my body is too sore to have to prove my mad skills to you." Adrian drawled, wincing as he rubbed a sore spot on his side.

Laughing good naturedly, Tasha patted his shoulder in sympathy. "I appreciate you taking it easy on me." She teased. Before skipping merrily off the mats toward Dimitri where she was greeted with a high five.

Pretending it was the sound of her head smacking the pavement instead of a congratulatory high-five, I ignored the Russian congratulations celebration.

Completely nonplused by the loss, Adrian shifted his focus to me. "Oh, nurse?" he called, turning to me with his best smoldering look- a hilarious combination coupled with his grimace of pain. "Do me a solid a give me a rub down? Oil is by the stove."

Giving him the bird, I sauntered my way to the mats and smiled indulgently before hooking my foot behind his ankles and swiftly knocking his feet out from under him only for Adrian to land flat on his butt with a satisfying thud. I doubled over with laughter at his look of utter shock.

"Nice one!" Lissa congratulated me through her laughter, swinging her arm around my waist to show her solidarity.

"Mean, Hathaway. Just plain mean." Darren coughed, trying to conceal his laughter, but still came to Adrian's aid, helping him from the mats.

Dimitri, on the other hand, had no qualms with laughing out right. For the second time in one day, I was graced by the sound of his deep belly laughter. I marveled at the sound.

Adrian grumbled as he was once again helped from the mats, now rubbing his backside. "Could have just said no."

Taking pity on him, I patted his shoulder. "At least I didn't push you in the pool this time." I shrugged in fake apology. Unruffled, Adrian shot me a quick wink.

Christian hooted in laughter at the memory from his place at the grill. "Rose will train you to keep your mouth shut one of these days, Ivashkov. Drowning and bruising aren't too effective, I wonder if muzzles are next?" Even Eddie had a difficult time concealing his smirk.

To his credit Adrian only pouted for a second before regaining that mischievous glint it his eyes. The ass could never just let sleeping bears lie. I smiled, knowing what would most likely come next.

Speaking louder than what was completely necessary for our close backyard get together, "I don't know what's better, when you get rough with me or when you get me all wet?" His smirk returning in full force at being able to successfully end Dimitri's laughter.

I groaned and rolled my eyes at his child's play, trying to hide my amusement. In his, Adrian, way he was trying to be supportive.

At least his brand of support was amusing if not a little ridiculous. It was obvious that I was more than capable of holding my own whether it be Strogi attack or dealing with Dimitri Belikov ten months after he abandoned me, but having my friends rally around me returned a certain warmth to my life that hadn't been there since graduation.

Adrian Ivashkov was notorious for his big mouth, but the five of us knew better. He was a big softy at the center of it all. All bark, a lot of wit, and an incredible amount of sensitivity made Adrian Ivashkov an incredibly good friend to have. We had grown extremely close over the past year. As loathsome as I was to admit it, Adrian has become a large part of my healing process. A golden spot in a field of grey. Unlike with Lissa or Eddie, Adrian didn't want to know about Dimitri. I didn't have to pretend quite as much around him as I did with the others. He accepted my pain and did not expect me to hash out my feelings, he reminded me that it was okay to have fun.

Limping to the cushioned chairs, Adrian took a seat reaching for his cigarettes, obviously satisfied with himself.

Looking back to the mats a light seemed to surge within Liss, and suddenly she too had a gleam in her eyes, and, unsurprisingly, her thoughts were closed to me.

Jesus Christ, what next? I needed to resign myself to the fact that nothing about these next two weeks would be expected.

"Darren!" She called, nearly vibrating with excitement. Causing me to jump and all eyes to turn towards her.

"What can I do for you, Princess?" He teased, knowing how much Liss hated when he addressed her formally.

Narrowing her eyes, "Not call me Princess for one," She corrected in mock annoyance, "And two, can you show Dimitri some of what you've been practicing with Rose?" She asked sweetly using her natural charisma to bend Darren to her will, unnecessary so, and shocking the complete hell out of both me and Dimitri.

I saw where she was going with this, and I was caught somewhere between amusement and horror. She had been the one to suggest to Tasha that Adrian had been interested in learning to fight. After extracting revenge on Adrian she now had her sights set on Dimitri. Admittedly for different reasons, Adrian tended to annoy Lissa and she was famous for putting him in his place. Dimitri on the other hand was a different story. She still held a certain amount of affection for her former Guardian and a hefty amount of respect, but she couldn't put aside her anger at him completely. I was her best friend after all. Her mind was truly masterful, and just a little devious. Darren had a unique fighting style, having been trained in China. Lately we had taken to waking up early and sparring, testing our skills against one another and helping the other improve. Fighting Darren was a bitch, for such a large guy he is extremely light on his feet. He strikes with precision and insane speed. His style is almost opposite than my own, and therefore Dimitri's. I had only just begun holding my own against him within the past month. This was going to be extremely interesting. Even if Dimitri didn't lose, Darren was sure to land multiple, painful, hits. Lissa would be satisfied by either outcome.

Quirking his head to side I could tell that Darren was extremely interested in what Lissa was proposing. "Guardian Belikov, or Dimitri," She corrected herself and motioned to where Dimitri was standing next to Tasha, "was Rose's mentor and the one who trained her." Lissa explained, crossing her arms over her chest, knowing the sweet deal she was offering Darren. I had only truly won a couple of sparing matches with Darren because most of them tended to end in a draw, and he was none too pleased. He had an agenda to fulfil.

Eddie let out a low whistle in approval, "This will be interesting." Knowing fully how well both Darren and Dimitri fought.

I had come a long way since graduation, and Dimitri and I had been match for match by the time of my graduation trials. I had only barely beaten him in heart stopping, yet regrettable, swift kick to the stomach then groin before "staking" him and saving my "Moroi", a sizable school guardian by the name of Randall.

"Understatement." Christian confirmed.

Darren's eyes lit up upon learning that Dimitri was who I trained under, he was none too thrilled at the recent turn of events of our sparing matching. "Ab-so-lutely," he said drawing out the word in his barely contained excitement, making his accent all the more pronounced. "What do you say, would you like to spar?" He offered.

Adrian cackled with glee.

With all eyes on him, Dimitri was still bewildered by the sudden change of events. He hesitated, looking to from Lissa to Darren before finally settling his gaze on me. My ears tinged with heat under his stare. I managed to shrug my shoulders, trying to will the flush away from my cheeks. He quirked his eyebrow in response. Damn. That was still cool.

"He's good." I finally responded. "Really good."

"Have you beaten him?" Dimitri asked without missing a beat, contemplating Darren with complete seriousness.

I couldn't resist the smile that crept across my face at the understated compliment.

"Yes." I admitted, intentionally not elaborating. Liss nudged me with her hip, sending her amused thoughts through the bond.

After another moment of hesitation, it was Tasha who spoke up. I had nearly forgotten that she was here and had to remind myself to not make a face.

"Go! What are you waiting for?" She urged all but shoving him towards the mats.

Smiling he nodded, accepting Darren's offer. "Yes, but under one condition. Winner has to spar with Rose."

Laughing loudly, Darren agreed. "Now that will be interesting."

I managed to keep my jaw from falling open, but I was sure I resembled a bug as I stared in wide-eyed shock at Dimitri. This certainly changed things. I had been rooting for Darren to win up until that moment. I was in dangerous territory and I knew it. Bad, bad, bad. My mind chanted, but my heart seemed to have a particular fondness for a sweaty Dimitri.

Not returning my look he simply made his way over to the mats and took his position opposite of Darren.

I shifted uncomfortably, both excited and apprehensive. There were two problems with this, one, Dimitri was seriously hot when he fought. Lethal and sexy were a dangerous combination. And, two, seeing him spar would only remind me of all the time we spent sparing together.

Taking his lead from Darren, Dimitri bowed deeply at the waist before taking a defensive position and immediately beginning his attack. Darren countered with relative ease and managed to block most of his hits, having gotten accustomed to fighting me, but what Darren hadn't anticipated was Dimitri's size in comparison to mine and the grace in which he moved. Darren took a jab to the side and thigh before pushing Dimitri to the offensive. He moved constantly, having learned it was better to wait for opportunity than it was to counter all of our jabs, swipes, and punches. It meant that he took hits but made his opponent follow him. Darren was tactical but quick on his feet, he continuously circled and only struck at intervals but with great force. While Dimitri and I tended to work at quick paces and wear down our opponents with continuous defense attacks. I was mesmerized. The two constantly forced the other to take the offensive neither able to truly gain the upper hand. Dimitri had managed to pick up counters to Darren's style much sooner than I had. Nostalgia settled heavily in my chest as I watched him move. I was floored that someone could be so familiar and feel like a stranger all at the same time. I knew his moves inside and out, I had spent hours learning to mimic each one. His determination, confidence, and bravery were evident in each attack. He fought with an unrelenting purpose. I had forgotten how truly godly he was while fighting. My heart ached and marveled in wonder all at the same time. I winced when Darren managed to land a punch to Dimitri's side. Dimitri didn't seem fazed, but I knew that there would be a bruise there later. The fight seemed to draw on for hours, but in a matter of minutes it was over. Just when Darren had the upper hand and was able to knock Dimitri from his feet, in a blur of motions Dimitri had Darren pinned to his side and "staked" him through his back. Both men were sweaty and breathing heavily as they helped each other up. The rest of us were stunned into silence.

Taking a few steps back Darren bowed to Dimitri once more and Dimitri bowed back respectfully. I was slightly in awe of how easily Dimitri fell in with people. I had been heavily confused the first time Darren had bowed to me before sparring, but Dimitri hadn't even hesitated in returning the gesture. Respect and honor were a huge part of the Chinese culture and Darren embodied it well. He was unashamed in representing his culture and was eager to share it with anyone who was interested. He also didn't hesitate to shake Dimitri's outstretched hand, smiling largely.

"I hope that you will be up for a rematch sometime. You fight fiercely, I can see where Rose has learned it from." Darren complimented, thwacking Dimitri on the back not noticing Dimitri's slight stumble. Under all that muscle lived a very large teddy bear. Muscular, gay, honor-bound, and loveable- that was Darren. "Although," He muttered turning slightly as if to contemplate me, "Her attitude is largely unaccounted for. That particular skill seems to be nature's own brand of curse."

I, in my adult-ish ways, stuck my tongue out in response, only to have Darren to do the same.

Dimitri's smile did not quite reach his eyes as he answered. "Yes, yes, sometime soon a rematch will be in order. Your fighting style is incredible." He agreed easily, giving Darren a much more gentle shoulder thwack before looking to consider me. "She surely is a force of nature, and I'm not sure that I have much to do with that." He answered modestly, his eyes never leaving my own.

My heart thudded loudly in my chest and I found that it was nearly impossible to look away. Not for the first time, I wondered what he saw when he looked at me. Was I the young and naïve girl in an abandoned lounge, was I the bold and rash runaway he had to drag back to campus, or was I the tear stricken and desperate student that dragged his body from the caves and hid him in the woods until day break?

"Your turn to kick ass, Little Damphir." I found that I was both thankful and annoyed by Adrian Ivashkov in the same breath. He was suddenly standing beside me, his arms folded firmly across his chest not bothering to hide his glare at Dimitri, shocking me out of my memory.

Dimitri was the first to drop his gaze this time, but not before taking one more moment to study me and then Adrian before turning to accept a glass of water from Tasha, smiling halfheartedly.

"Yeah, Rosie, time to redeem your partner's honor." Darren teased, rubbing his hands together excitedly.

Shaking my head, I smiled. "If Dimitri isn't too worn out, I'm game." And I was. Excitement seemed to buzz through my veins at the chance to spar with him once more. This if nothing else, was something we were both undeniably familiar with. For once, we would be on even playing fields.

"How are you feeling, Comrade? Think you could take me?" I teased, feeling giddy with the moment.

He turned his deep eyes back to mine, I could see my excitement mirrored within his own. "Roza, I'd take you anywhere." Offering me a half smile he turned back to the mats, seemingly unaware of the effect of his words on me.

My insides fluttered and my stomach tightened. Oh, shit.

A/N:

I'm back baby!

Let me know if you are still feeling the love of this story. Next chapter will be some Rose and Dimitri goodness.

Over the next few days I will be going back and revising my last few chapters.

Love you all immensely,

Blue.