Chapter 9
He wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he was looking Shane up and down, as though the poor guy was on trial for something he hadn't done.
He was searching for some sign that the man was either lying or that he simply wasn't up to the task he had appointed himself to.
"I won't let them out of my sight, you have my word on that" Shane promised, keeping his voice firm, hoping to enforce the words.
Daryl reached up and rubbed the back of his neck, as if the movement would help relieve some tension. But it didn't.
Finally he gave in and nodded in response, before he looked over Shane's shoulder to where the girls were eating their dinner. They were having a quiet conversation between themselves and every now and then Sophia revealed a hint of a smile at her mother.
He had noticed that the blank expression Sophia often wore was slowly being replaced with something he could read.
There were moments through out the day where he could see her feelings written on her face. Whether that was anger, sadness, frustration or amusement, it was obvious that she was more comfortable showing them off then she had been. Even if it was only for a few minutes here and there.
And Carol was cautious, she was careful with everything she did and how she did it. But she seemed happy, she was at least as happy as he had ever seen her.
He didn't want to ruin either of those things, but he feared this might be something that set them all back. It might be what destroyed the small comfort they had been building together over the past few weeks.
He knew he would have to go eventually. They were running low on rations and the only way to stretch them out was to bring in more food.
A group would be going out to scavenge in a few days, but it didn't matter, this still had to be done. There was always a chance that the groups would return with nothing.
He needed to go back out there. This was something he was going to have to adjust to.
"You should get an early night, maybe if you head off at first light you can-..." Shane stopped mid sentence, watching Daryl's arm drop from his neck in defeat.
Daryl knew his face must have reflected all his worries and concerns, but he couldn't find it in himself to try and hide them.
"I swear it Daryl, I'll keep an eye on em"
He wanted to tell Shane that he trusted him, because he had no reason not to. But he couldn't bring himself to say that. Because deep down he didn't.
Instead, he nodded, as his mind raced through the thousand things that could go wrong.
"Don't want either of them left alone. Sophia-…she needs to be watched. Carol's busy all day and if she thinks Sophia is being looked after, then she might not notice if Sophia get's left alone. But I can promise you that someone else will notice"
Shane straightened up and took a minute to consider what he'd been told.
He wasn't accusing Shane or anyone else for not watching Sophia close enough. He didn't expect them to watch the kid twenty-four-seven. He knew that Sophia was Carol, and now his, responsibility. He was just pointing out something he had noticed and he was thankful Shane obviously understood that. He didn't seem to be taking offence to his words or tone.
He didn't want to ask Shane for help, but if they wanted him to provide for everyone in the group, then he needed to know that someone was helping out while he was gone.
"I think everyone might be used to the girl trailing after you. Maybe we just assume that if you're around, you'll be keeping an eye on her. But that wont happen when your gone, I can promise you that Daryl"
He never liked feeling like he had no options, it made him feel like he was all caught up in his own skin. But that was the case now. He had to go and he had to put his faith in people he didn't really know.
He didn't want to bring up the fact that he thought to much was expected from Carol. Maybe they put a bit to much on her plate. He didn't want to mention that maybe if her load was lightened then he wouldn't need so much from Shane. But he didn't want to speak for her and he didn't know if she would appreciate it if he did.
He wished he had of at least gone on Watch until after he met up with Carol, but he was having trouble dragging himself away.
He knew if he could hear them sleeping, then he knew they were safe. He wanted to enjoy that for as long as he could. He hoped if he spent his time close by them, then it would help to ease the anxiety that was steadily building.
After a few hours he heard the soft sounds from inside the tent and knew what they were.
He sat quietly and smiled when he heard the tents zipper slowly come down and watched Carol attempt to sneak out of the tent unnoticed.
"Hey" he whispered, trying not to startle her as she stepped out.
Her head spun in his direction and her shocked expression relaxed when her eyes fell on him, sitting at her feet.
"Awful late. Where you off too?" he asked with a cocky smile, that she returned, before she sat on the ground beside him.
"Having an early night?" she questioned softly as she snuggled in closer to him.
He nodded, throwing some more wood on the fire. "Yeah, I'm gonna leave as soon as the suns up".
"You'll be careful, right?"
The words seem to scratch out of her throat, making him look over in time to catch her fearful expression before she attempted to reign it in.
It had never occurred to him that she was concerned he would get hurt out there. That she was just as worried about him, as he was about her. He almost wished he hadn't seen or heard it. He didn't want her worrying about him. It only made him more anxious and only made the idea of leaving them behind harder to deal with.
He knew that there was nothing he could do to ease that concern for her, because he knew there was nothing she could do to ease his. There were no words or actions he could offer to fix that, but oddly enough, he still felt the need to try.
He wanted to tell her so many things, but his body seem to take over, making him lean in and press his lips to hers. She hummed with approval as she sunk into the kiss and he ran his hand over her back.
As the kiss slowed he felt her palms slide around his neck, holding him in place for a few seconds longer.
He sat with his brow leaning into hers, watching as a small grin appeared on her lips, making him want to kiss them again.
"You need a good night's sleep" she whispered, interrupting his thoughts before he could act on them.
He nodded, before moving back in closer to kiss her again, not taking too much notice of what she was saying.
His lips had barely brushed over hers when she slowly pulled away and started standing up, her hands curling into his and pulling him to his feet with her.
He followed her without thinking. He briefly assumed they were going to his truck to finish what they had just started, to do what they done almost every night. But he realized that wasn't the case when he noticed she was leading him to her bed.
He felt a shock run through his body that jarred his muscles and made him suck in so much air that he knew she would have heard the intake.
He mumbled out her name, wondering if she was aware that she was still holding onto him. That maybe she was unknowingly taking him into the tent. But as soon as she turned to look at him, he knew she was aware of what she was doing.
He was sure he looked nervous as hell.
Even though it was the middle of the night and there was no one around but their usual audience. He still found himself looking over his shoulder.
"Come on"
He turned back to her again when she spoke, seeing the same sweet and sincere smile etched on her face.
His mouth hung open as she crawled into the tent and pulled the blanket across, waiting for him to join her.
He considered what he was doing, how it could all go wrong. He didn't know what difference it made where he slept, but he did know one option was a hell of a lot safer then the other.
He wanted to tell her that this didn't seem like the best idea, but he found it hard to say anything when he saw her reach out to him, urging him to get into bed with her.
He sucked in another audible breath, before he bite his bottom lip and look around once more.
He shook his head and gave in, sinking into the tent as quietly as he could so he didn't wake the kid, but also as quickly as he could. He was sure if he kept lingering in the entry that he ran the risk of Ed seeing him.
He sat down on her bed, feeling a wave of nervousness wash over him, as she zipped the tent closed. He was so worried about what trouble this would cause that he hadn't thought about the fact that he had never in his life slept next to someone.
She turned to crawl next to him and slide her legs under to covers. While he sat still, wondering what it was he was meant to do.
"It's ok. You can lay down" Carol barely breathed out, placing her hand lightly on his arm, trying to guide him down, as if she was worried he had forgotten how to sleep.
He lowered himself onto the mat, trying to relax, wondering why she was waiting for him to settle before she laid down.
He stopped breathing as she grabbed his wrist and moved his arm over, so she could position herself at his side. Within a second she was resting on his chest and he wondered if she could hear his heart pounding, as the weight of her steadied on him.
He felt her hands slid up his shirt to rest on his stomach and her leg slide over his thigh, until most of her body was sprawled over his.
He considered if she was referring to the comfort of the tent, when she said that he needed a good rest. Or if she know it would have the same reaction as when he kissed her. Every tensed part of him eased and voices in his head grew silent, until all he could think of was her. He could only focus on what parts of her were touching him and how warm her body felt against his.
He folded his arms around her, as his body relaxed into the mat and he released the nervous breath he was holding.
He knew straight away that his earlier thoughts had been wrong, there was a difference. Sleeping outside on the ground in his sleeping bag and sleeping in the tent beside her were two very different things. It had nothing to do with the comfort of the tent or the mat that cushioned the hard ground and everything to do with her stilled body lying over him.
The intimacy of it was something he hadn't expected and never thought for a second it was something to seek out. But now he knew different, now he didn't want to ever sleep without her in his arms.
All those nights of lying awake, feeling sick and alone, seemed so far away, even unthinkable, because he couldn't imagine feeling that way anymore, especially with her covering him over like a protective amour, something so strong that nothing bad could ever pierce through.
"This is nice" she whispered as she curled her body further over his.
He didn't trust his voice to reply, even though he more then agreed with her, he decided to stay quiet. Instead he leaned his head down, enough to press a kiss into her hair.
As he laid back he tightened his arm around her and rested his cheek on her head.
It was nice. It was warm and comforting. And he didn't want to say or do anything that might ruin it.
He laid there, enjoying the feeling of her body covering his and the soft sounds she made while she slept, waiting for the sun to rise.
The pressure of her weight over him had only made him more comfortable. It had pushed him into a deeper sleep than he knew was possible, without a substantial amount of alcohol to bring it on. He would be quite happy to stay in this position with her all day if he could. But at the same time, he wanted to get up and get out of there, so he could leave and get back as soon as possible.
As the dim light started to break through the fabric of the tent he slowly slid his body out from under hers. He watched her settle in place and found himself sitting there for a moment watching her sleep.
She looked different to how she usually did, during those times when he had taken a minute to really look at her. Sometimes through the day, he would watch her and he could see her mind ticking over with all the things she needed to do, worrying about all the things she knew she needed to concern herself with. It was always written on her face and embedded in her movements.
But right now she just looked like Carol, and he wanted to commit the sight to his memory.
He slid his legs out from under the covers and crouched forward on his heels. He planned every movement as he crawled through the tent, keeping a close eye on Sophia, hoping that he could leave without her ever knowing he had been there.
Just when he thought he had been successful at getting away unnoticed, he stepped outside, seeing Rick looking right at him, raising his brow, before looking away.
He was always unsure if Rick approved of him being with Carol, when it was causing so much trouble with Ed. So, he could only imagine what Rick was thinking now.
He shook his head to himself and opened his duffle bag, going through his clothes and trying to find his jacket when he noticed Merle's leather vest. He pulled the item out slowly and examined it for a few minutes before putting it on.
As he slid the wings over his back, he wondered if Rick thought he was like Merle had been, or what he thought Merle was like. None of them really knew Merle. They knew how Merle had acted when he was high. But the crap that Merle couldn't quite kick, turned him into someone who didn't reflect the person Daryl to be knew his brother.
He didn't really blame Rick for Merle's disappearance. He had been told what happened and he could understand what had led Rick to restrain Merle, but he couldn't really understand him driving off and leaving him without even trying to save him. He had left him there for days, before he heroically declared that he would selflessly return to save Merle.
Andrea had explained to him how Merle was acting and she seemed to be quite aware that Merle had been strung out. He didn't particularly trust Rick, but he did trust Andrea to tell him the truth, because the blonde didn't really have any reason to lie to him.
She didn't paint Rick as some hero who had saved the day by handcuffing the villain down and leaving him to die. She had just told him that decisions were made fast and though it was easy to think back and wish things been done differently, at the time, they didn't feel like they had much choice. She hadn't presented it as if Rick had been right and Merle had been wrong, she had just told him how things went down.
He couldn't really hold Merle against Rick, but he often guessed that Rick held Merle against him.
He wondered if Rick thought he had less than honorable intentions with Carol. Maybe Rick thought he had worked to separate Carol from Ed for his own benefit. But he could honestly say that it just wasn't true. He knew that about himself.
If Carol didn't want to be with him, hell, if she didn't even want to be his friend, then he would suck that shit up and keep doing what he was doing. But Rick didn't know him well enough to know that. All Rick really knew was that Daryl was a Dixon. That he'd had to restrain both of Dixon brothers already because they were dangerous. Because Dixon's had a tendency to snap, they were backwards thinking morons who were here to cause trouble. That way of thinking was nothing new to Daryl. Rick wasn't the first person to think Daryl was trouble and he surely wouldn't be the last.
"You gonna leave without saying goodbye?" Carol asked as she emerged from the tent, flashing a faint smile that he desperately wanted to return, but couldn't bring himself too.
"Yeah" he assured her, knowing there was no way he could ever say the words to her, he didn't even like the way they sounded in his head.
He hardly looked at her before he sat down and started putting his boots on, fully aware that Rick was watching and Ed could wake at any moment. That awareness only intensified as she sat next to him, her side pressing into his, her hand resting on his lower back.
"Everything will be ok"
She spoke so confidently that his eyes broke away from his boots to look at her. She sounded sure of herself, yet he was positive she was only reacting to the concern emitting from him.
He nodded in response, knowing they would both be lying if he agreed, so he remained silent as his eyes drifted from hers, back down to the task at hand.
He wondered how many times he needed to be told that they would be ok, before he could believe it. But as he thought about it, he was positive that number didn't even exist.
He listened as Carol let out a sigh, knowing she hadn't convinced him, rising to her feet alongside him. He threw his backpack over one shoulder and looked her up and down, he was ready to go but she seemed to be getting closer and he wondered what she was thinking.
He looked passed her, over to Rick who was occasionally stealing glances at them, but pretending not to. Then he looked over to Ed's tent, assuring Ed wasn't about to appear.
He wondered how quick Rick could move to her defense if everything went wrong.
He prayed that Shane would keep his promise.
He wondered what would happen to her if he didn't make it back.
He wondered what was would go wrong, because something surely had to.
His mind filled with more and more possibilities, when suddenly he felt her cool palms cover his cheeks, guiding his lips down to hers.
The taste of her lips that had often made his mind blank, now seemed to only make the thoughts more vivid. He suddenly didn't care that Rick was close by watching. Her lips left his and he felt her ready herself to pull away from him. He wasn't ready for that.
Without considering any consequences or eyes on them, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest, holding her there for far too long, as he buried his face into her neck.
He didn't know how to tell her how he felt. The words couldn't form in his mouth and he doubted they could ever break free from him. He didn't understand why it felt like the simple sentence seemed to be trapped in his chest, or how everyone else seem to be able to declare their feelings as if the words were as light as a feather.
He left with them heavily trapped inside of him, like a pile of bricks, and maybe it would stay that way.
He hated himself for that.