Chapter 13
"You should get yer'self some rest" Shane pressed as Daryl grabbed the shotgun out of the weapons bag. He shrugged as he made sure it was loaded.
He didn't need the gun. He didn't want the gun. But if he didn't take it, he would have to listen to Shane yammer on about how it made him uncomfortable knowing he was on watch without a weapon. As if his crossbow was a water pistol or maybe he was using Twizzlers instead of bolts.
Truth was, Daryl had his own guns. He had Merle's guns too. But he hadn't shared that information with anyone else.
All the weapons were collected up and stored away in the back of Shane car.
The people who were trained in using the guns, were allowed one handgun to keep, but that was all that Shane and Rick had decided was necessary. They said it was for safety, among a bunch of other reasons they listed off.
Daryl didn't really care what reasons they had, he wasn't giving up his guns.
"You're heading out tomorrow, right?" Shane questioned, even though he knew the answer.
Daryl nodded in reply as he snapped the piece closed. "Can't sleep, might as well be useful"
"You alright man?" Shane asked, tilting his head to the side, to further examine his face. He nodded in reply again and took a step back, hoping the movement conveyed his intentions.
He wanted the silent gestures to be enough for Shane. But the more time he spent with these people, the more he realized that they liked to drag a conversation out, right to the point where he was itching to run from them. Sometimes in his head, he imagined he was doing just that.
"You should take it easy. Talk to Carol, I'm sure she would have no problem helping you unwind"
His first instinct, that he ignored, was to tell Shane to fuck off and mind his own business. But he pushed that down quicker then it took the thought to form.
Shane wasn't smirking like an asshole, like he had a tenancy to do sometimes. If anything, Shane appeared genuinely sincere when making the assumption, he even sounded a bit concerned about his well being. But still, Daryl decided not to answer him, even if it seemed like the guy only had good intentions.
He headed over to his usual spot by his truck, trying to get away before he was asked anymore questions that he didn't want to answer. He was sure if he loitered in the common area to long, it would be taken as some kind of signal that he actually wanted to have these chats.
He'd only been on watch a few minutes when he heard the loud thumping footsteps approaching.
He suppressed the growl that was building in his throat, wondering which one of them had decided to impart their wisdom on him now. One thing he knew for sure, was that it wasn't going to be Andrea.
He forced himself to look over, even though his head was screaming at him to ignore the sound and just hope who ever it is goes away.
He couldn't remember ever seeing her look so annoyed.
Carol didn't really do annoyed or angry. He was sure she got mad and frustrated, but she never showed it in her features. Not really.
She had taught herself to wipe it from her face before it even had a chance to show. He guessed that was why Sophia spent a great deal of time looking like an emotionless mannequin. Both of them had learnt that it was safer to appear passive to everything that was going on around them. Looking as though you were considering options, making judgement's or plans wouldn't be safe to do around someone like Ed.
Right now though, there was nothing passive about Carol's expression. She looked like she was ready to let him have it. And oddly enough, it made him more relaxed then he had felt in days.
It was like some kind of sign that she wasn't willing to put up with anymore shit from anyone. It also let him know that she felt safe enough around him to show off those emotions without fear of him dishing out some kind of punishment for revealing them.
She stood herself in front of him and he finally got the chance to really look her over.
She was wearing the baggy flannel pajama pants she wore most nights when she went to bed. Usually there was a tight tank top to accompany them, but he had never really gotten a good look at it. It was always to dark when he crawled into the tent and she usually threw a sweater on as soon as she woke.
He had been wanting to get a closer look at the shirt because he was sure it hugged all of her curves, in all the right places. And maybe that tank top was under the shirt, his shirt, that she was wearing now. The raggedy old t-shirt was far to big for her and showed off absolutely nothing, but it was somehow more appealing.
"Talk!"
She snapped, making him frown at the sound of her voice, because he could hear her frustration with him.
He released a heavy breath and dropped his eyes from her to the ground.
A part of him was pleading with himself to let all this shit go and make it better, but that voice that lived in his head was demanding that he remember exactly who and what he is. Reminding him that he needed to protect himself from the tiny women who had far to much power over his life as it was.
He shrugged, keeping his eyes locked on the ground."Nothin to talk about"
"Your pulling away from me" she said firmly, keeping her voice low, though it was obviously a struggle. "Why?"
Her words hit him hard. She was right, he had been pulling away. He figured It would be easier. The less attached he got to her, the less it would hurt him when she broke it off. What he hadn't really thought about, was the fact he was hurting her.
He shook his head while examining the dirt at his feet far to closely.
"I'm not going anywhere" he mumbled, with his voice practically soaked in the fear that he was to horrified to admit. But it was all right there in his tone and he knew she would have heard it.
The sound of his words scratching out of his throat seemed to instantly extinguish her frustration and she dropped her head to the side slightly, trying to get a better look at his face in the moonlight.
He'd kept his eyes on their feet and stayed perfectly still when she started to move.
He watched her hand reach out between them, so that she could lightly fold the tips of her fingers over his.
He still held her in his arms every night, he still kissed her each morning before he left, but those things had become some kind of extended goodbye, because he had been waiting for her to give him his marching orders. But right now, he just missed her and he didn't want to let her go without at least trying to hang on to her.
"He's up to something" he said looking at her thumb as it grazed back and forth over his fingers.
Carol released a odd sound that reminded him of a hiccup and he couldn't help himself but look up at her.
She looked confused and he noticed her shrug slightly, but all that anger and frustration she'd had a few seconds before had vanished. "So what? He always is…if it's to much for you then-"
"He wants you. He's playin' at somethin to get you back" he said cutting her off, once again his words stammered, making him cringe.
He felt exposed and vulnerable and worst of all he realized he was even jealous of that prick. It was the horrifying idea that someone like that knew how to get her back, while someone like him didn't know how to hang onto her.
He froze as her hands slid from his fingers up his arms and she moved closer.
"Have a bit more faith in me Daryl."
It only took eight words for him to feel like the worlds biggest prick.
"I know what he's doing, but it doesn't matter." she said softly, to grab his full attention, that he granted by meeting her gaze.
When his eyes found hers, she gave him a cooked smile that didn't look very genuine. Mostly, she just looked worried and he knew he had been the one to cause it.
She shook her head slightly as she continued, with an expression that was so much softer then he deserved right now. "You can't do this. You can't keep all this in your head. You've got to talk to me. We wont make it like this Daryl. We won't."
There was an urgency in her tone, a pleading that he wasn't expecting, letting him know that this was important. This was how things worked. And he knew she was right, because slowly her words started to drown out the voice in his mind.
There was no doubt that he was closet to Carol, she was the only person he really talked to in the group, but he didn't talk to her all that much. And maybe that was the problem.
He nodded as his body gave in, moving his hand slid onto her hips, to break the physical boundaries that he'd put between them.
"Ok. I can do that" he promised, nodding his head and releasing a heavy breath. "I can" he added, speaking more to himself then to her.
"I want you"
He was sure his heart stopped when she spoke those words.
He'd said the same thing to her at the quarry, without even really knowing what he was asking for.
She had been right, he didn't know what he was getting himself into. But now he knew and he still wanted her. He wanted her more then he had ever wanted anything and a part of him couldn't help but hold that against her. He didn't like feeling like someone had so much control over him. But oddly enough, he knew that if he lost her, then the absence of that feeling would be crippling.
He wanted to reply, but for the longest time he just looked at her, he searched her face for an uncertainty that didn't exist. He wanted to find some indication that she was lying, because that would be so much easier to believe, before accepting that she wanted him. But the only thing he found was conviction and assurance.
He wanted to know why and how.
Why did she want him, how did she seem so certain?
But instead of asking he let a smile break through, because he realized it didn't matter. He watched as her face lit up, revealing an expression that forced his hand up to her face, so he could run his fingers over her cheek.
"Come to bed?" she whispered leaning into his touch.
He slid his hand from her cheek and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, leading her away from his truck rather then answering the request.
He kept her pulled into his side as they walked back over to Shane, receiving a nod from the man when he placed the shotgun back with the rest of the weapons.
As they got back to her tent he could see Glen hovering around. He'd been keeping an ear out for Sophia and assuring that she was safe, while Carol had left to deal with his dumb-ass.
Glenn gave them a smile as they approached, then started to wander back around the camp to continue on with his patrol.
Carol started crawling into the tent while he slipped his shoes and jacket off. He was eager to get back into the warm space, so he moved a bit quicker then usual.
As he stepped into the tent he placed his crossbow on the ground, just inside the entry, as he always did. He lowered himself quietly onto his knees to crawl over to the space he shared with Carol, where she was waiting for him.
He had barely laid down when she slid over him.
He couldn't help but sigh heavily as the weight of her body settled on his chest.
It wasn't like he hadn't been sleeping like this every night, but right now it felt more permanent and that made him relax into it.
He closed his arms around her and began lightly rubbing her back. He was sure he could feel her whole body loosen. It made him realize how tense she'd felt the nights before when he had been holding her, but he had been to caught up in his own head to notice.
"I'm sorry Carol" he offered softly as he tightened his hold on her.
She shook her head into his chest. "Don't be. It takes work and this isn't an easy situation for someone to be put in"
He thought about what she said for a second, letting the words sink in.
She was right, it wasn't exactly easy, there were obstacles and there were issues they needed to deal with. But how he felt about her was easy, it came naturally and it was unwavering.
The only thing that interrupted his feelings for her, were the things festering in his own head. They had nothing to do with Ed. This was all his doing.
"You know I trust you right?" he asked quietly, making sure he kept his voice down so that they didn't disturb Sophia.
She hummed in response but she didn't sound like she was really believed him. For that he had no one else to blame but himself .
He did trust Carol. He trusted her more then he had ever trusted anyone, but that voice in his head didn't. That voice didn't trust a single thing this world had to offer. It told him she would go back to Ed. But really, she had done nothing to earn these presumptions. He really couldn't remember the last time he felt like a bigger asshole then he did right now.
"I just ain't never seen anything like you" he admitted. Hoping to explain himself so that she might understand. He felt her body stiffen slightly, before she rolled around in his arms. She moved until she was hovering over him with her arms leaning on his chest to support her.
She looked at him for a long time and he knew she was waiting on him to continue. He knew he had to keep going. That was the deal. If he was thinking something that could fuck with what they had, he needed to talk it out with her. Even if it made him uncomfortable.
"You just left him and I ain't never seen someone just do that shit without-…" he stopped, feeling his stomach twist at the thought of finishing the sentence and laying all those demons out for her to see. But this time when she hummed he could hear an understanding in it, she sounded much more committed to the sound.
He could see in her face that she understood and she actually looked relieved by what he'd said.
She smiled weakly at him.
"It's done with him Daryl. No one hurts my baby" she whispered to him firmly, though the words still sounded like the sweetest thing he'd ever heard.
"That's a part of what I ain't seen before." he said glancing over in Sophia's direction to see her tiny body curled up into a ball like a cat.
"It's how its meant to be. It's how I should have been since she was born. I should have-"
He groaned before she could continue and closed his eyes for a long moment. "Don't start this shit Carol."
He was happy to sit up and talk to her all night, but he couldn't listen to her do this to herself.
"I should have done it Daryl. I should have left him." she said shaking her head and he was shaking his head right along with her.
"He'd have killed ya" he said simply without any thought in voicing the words. They just came out.
He'd seen what Ed was like. He wasn't someone you just walked away from.
Even now Ed still watched Carol like a hawk. He still believed he had ownership over her. Carol had a handful of people that were willing to step intervene, most of them armed. She had him and he was ready to kill Ed if need be. But still Ed watched her and approached her without caution. He couldn't imagine her trying to do this all on her own. Unless of course she had no value on her life or her kid's.
"But he ain't gonna touch ya now. Neither of ya" he promised her, wanting his words to force out the dark thoughts that were seeping into his mind.
She sucked back a breath and nodded."She comes first"
He nodded back at her, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. That's how he wanted it. That was one of the things he liked most about her. Sophia was Carol's first priority.
She smiled and relaxed down onto his chest, pressing her chin onto her folded arms."But you already know that. You're the same. You protect her"
He relaxed right along with her and rooted around slightly to get comfortable. "I'm gonna protect both of ya" he said absently though a yawn.
Carol slid one of her arms out from under her chin and reached up to run her fingers through his hair. The gesture was enough to make his eyes close for a moment, it was comforting enough that it could have lulled him to sleep in a matter of minutes, if she hadn't started talking again and grabbed his attention back.
"I know that, and you do look out for us both. But you protect her first."
He opened his mouth to question her, but he instantly closed it when the words made his head spin, throwing forward memories that would prove she may be right.
It made him a bit uncomfortable. Not that he had in fact protected Sophia before he'd protected Carol, but that he hadn't realized he was doing it.
Her hand settled over his cheek and he realized that he was starring past her, as his head continued to sought through what he had been told.
"It's nothing bad Daryl. It's how I want it to be."
She smiled at him and started soothing back his hair again. "It's one of the things I like most about you"
He furrowed his brow and smiled back at her, as she echoed his earlier thoughts back to him."Yeah?"
She dragged her lower lip through her teeth, the sight made his heart rate pick a little and he was sure because of her position she could actually feel it. Maybe that was why her grin grew even wider.
"Just one of them."