Chapter 35: October
He could make guesses.
He could sit awake at night, while the kid slept and try to figure out how long they had been separated from everyone else. But in the end, what did it matter, what did knowing do for him?
He knew without a doubt that time was passing and he knew that because every day he felt the air getting colder and he found himself keeping their fires lit through the night, rather then letting them die down. The slowly dropping temperatures were his main concern at the moment, though he hadn't said anything about it to Sophia. He didn't tell her that Fall would soon come to an end and they would have to make some hard decisions.
He'd thought about pointing it out to her, but as he opened his mouth, he had quickly realized that if he did say something, he'd be admitting that he believed they'd still be out here when it came. Admitting that he believed, that Fall would leave them and Winter would arrive and they would still be out here in the wild, hopelessly and aimlessly wandering through the woods like two two stray dogs, trying to pick up a scent.
Sophia, didn't seem very aware of the time that had passed. More then once she had misjudged the passing of months for nothing more then weeks. And he let her go on thinking that, because what did it matter in the end anyway?
"Sorry Mr rabbit" Sophia offered the limp carcass, with little to no emotion in her voice. From what he could tell, she was just saying it to have something to say. He understood her feeling like she needed to make some noise. Sometimes it was so quiet for so long, that you weren't entirely sure that you hadn't lost your hearing at some point and not noticed.
So as much as he knew they both valued silence, sometimes you just had to fill the air with sound.
She set the rabbit aside and quickly untied the rope, while he kept his eyes on the area around them. He could hear her humming a tune while she worked and he took that as a sign that she was still busy.
Once the humming stopped he looked down and used one simple word that she repeated back to him, signaling that they were done here.
"Good?"
Sophia nodded, shoving the rope into her pocket and snatching up her rabbit. "Good"
The one worded question, depending on when he asked it, meant a number of things all at once. Right now, It meant are you finished? Is everything ok? Are you ok? Are you ready to go? Are you done here?
And her simple reply meant a great number of things to him. But ultimately it meant, everything is as good as it can be.
She was quiet until they were on the move again and once she got going again she kept the mindless chatter up until they arrived back at the house that they'd been occupying.
She asked him about the gray clouds over their heads, wondering if it was going to rain. She asked if he had seen the Looney tunes cartoons and then asked if he liked them, then she wanted to know which one in particular, then which specific character. She wanted to know if he had continued watching them as he'd gotten older. Then she wanted to know if many adults watched cartoons on a Saturday morning.
And he happily went along with it, answering every single thing she thought to ask, right up until they made their way back inside the small rundown house.
The house still had the stench of tobacco drenched in the curtains, there were holes in the walls and cracks in the tiles that covered the kitchen floor. It wasn't until hours after they had settled into the house, that he had realized that Sophia hadn't mentioned the state of house.
He wasn't sure if it was Sophia, or all children, but she seemed to find a hundred questions to ask him every day. Sometimes he wondered how she managed to come up with them.
But even though Sophia questioned everything around them, she hadn't needed to question the condition of the house.
"You wanna clean Bugs Bunny? Or start the fire?" she asked as they settled into the space of the kitchen.
He smiled at the sight of her, holding the carcass up by its ears with the questioning look on her face.
He knew she wanted to take care of the rabbit. She was good at it, and Sophia loved being good things. She liked being praised for her skills and he was more then happy to do that.
Ultimately, his days could be completely pointless, they could wander aimlessly for hours, find nothing, have nothing. But at the very least, he would spend a bit of his time convincing Sophia that she was far from useless.
"I'll get the fire. You take care of that. Ya better at it then I am."
Sophia beamed at the compliment and nodded. "You hear that bugs? You're with me." she chimed as she slapped the rabbit on the kitchen table.
"Soph. Stop talkin to that dead rabbit… don't name it either." he said with a grin, causing Sophia to smile back at him.
"I'm only kidding." she said with a bit of a laugh lingering in her words.
"Not a good habit. Shouldn't name nothin ya ain't planning on keepin'"
"Why? What harm does it do?" she asked.
He wasn't really worried about her naming the dead rabbit and Sophia knew that he wasn't truly concerned, she was simply asking because it was something to talk about.
Even though the information wasn't really relevant to the situation, he decided to impart the small bit of knowledge onto her.
Because that's what he did all day. He taught her everything he had been taught about survival, but he did it in the way that he wished someone had taught him.
"Messes with ya head. We gotta hunt and kill. That's the way it is. So ya can't do anything that's gonna let you get attached. You wont even mean to do it, ya brain will do the work for ya."
"You make that mistake? That why you believe it so hard?" Sophia questioned casually, as she started snapping the bones of the rabbit.
"No. Merle would'a smacked me upside the head. But my cousin, Hayes. He did once. Named a raccoon Fred, just cause it ate out of his hand"
Sophia released the ceremonial 'Awww' over the image that she had created in her own head. Making a sound that he'd heard women make when they saw something they decided was cute. Though she didn't seem very committed to the sound.
"So? What happened?"
"To who? The raccoon or Hayes?" He questioned as he continued building up the fireplace.
Sophia shrugged as she pulled her knife out. "Both, I guess."
"Like I said. Merle smacked him upside the head. Told him raccoon's weren't pets, they was dinner. Said we don't name nothin' we ain't aimin' to keep and we don't keep nothin', cause we got nothin' to offer. If we did we wouldn't have been out there to begin with."
He could see Sophia consider what he'd said and the acceptance that quickly followed. He knew she wasn't to invested in the conversation, she just wanted to talk, and he was happy to fill the time with mindless chatter if that's what she wanted.
"You have a lot of cousins?"
He shook his head. "Just the one"
"You get along with him? Or did his attachment to raccoon's get in the way"
He couldn't help but laugh at her. Her smart ass question, her tone and the fact that she was ripping the skin of the rabbit as she spoke, had created a pretty amusing scene.
He turned back to the fire and started to light it up."No. We got along. Got along real well"
"Do you know where he is? What happened to him?"
He stuttered out a sound, before he quickly stopped himself from continuing.
He tried to compose himself before he spoke. He wanted to find a way to answer her, without completely crushing the good mood that she had somehow found herself in.
Much like her mother, Sophia was a very empathetic person and he knew that it was a trait that would only intensify as she grew. Once she was old enough to wrap her head around certain things and once she had a better understanding of people, he knew Sophia would be exactly like Carol in that respect. Maybe even more so.
And maybe that was why she had been so down lately.
He knew she had every reason to be upset. They were not in a great situation, so it made sense that Sophia would be devastated. But that hadn't been what bothered him about her mood. It was the self deprivation that she voiced to him and to herself, that was bothering him the most. He had seen her more then once, muttering to herself "Stupid. So stupid".
The things Sophia did, may not have always been perfect, she made mistakes and got confused. But he would expect that from anyone.
He always took the time to stop her when she started up, he tried to correct her way of thinking, hoping if he pointed out that he thought she was doing well, then maybe she would eventually stop ridiculing everything she did that wasn't completely perfect. He guessed she could have some better days then she'd been having if she wasn't so damn hard on herself.
But for as down as she had been lately, Sophia had woken up today, looked around, and decided that she was pretty damn happy to be alive. He had no idea how long it would last, but he didn't want to be the reason why it was taken away.
"He passed away when he was pretty young. Long time ago. Long, long time ago"
He didn't know why, but he thought if he emphasized the time that had passed, it would be less depressing.
He just hoped that she didn't press for anymore details. In the end, he knew that talking about it would leave them both in a bad mood.
Sophia stopped what she was doing and lifted her eyes from the bloody mess in front of her "I'm sorry, Daryl"
He quickly shook his head at her concern and consciously softened his face. "Don't be. Like I said, it was a long time ago."
He tried to think of a way to move on from the depressing subject and apparently she was doing the same thing.
"I didn't have any cousins. But I think I would have liked to have them." Sophia said focusing one what she was doing and speaking almost absently. "My Ma, though? she had cousins and an Aunt Margret."
He nodded, watching the flames grow in the open fireplace. "You like em? They nice?"
"I didn't really know them."
He didn't think to much of her answer, so he didn't think twice about questioning her further."They live far away or somethin'?"
"Ed didn't like them. He wouldn't let Ma talk to them. He said they were nosy. Trouble makers"
He instantly stopped what he was doing and looked over at Sophia.
Two things quickly occurred to him.
The first, was that Sophia had referred to Ed by his name. Not as her 'father', which was what she usually called him….it was just plain old Ed. He couldn't remember her having done that before.
The second thing he noticed was that the kid didn't look to worried by her own words. But for him, it felt like a kick in the guts.
He didn't like hearing about Carol being isolated from her family. He had always known she had endured such things, because it went with the territory. But knowing that, didn't make it any easier to hear.
It also didn't help that Sophia didn't really seem to bothered by what she had just said. He guessed that for Sophia, it was as simple as stating a fact. But she was maybe to young to understand the weight of it.
"Daryl?"
His eyes snapped open when he felt the light shove and heard his name. As always, his heart started pounding and a jolt ran through his body. He always woke up ready to kill someone, as if he had been preparing for it even while he was asleep, because there was never a minute that passed when he was completely aware that he had left a child on watch.
When his eyes found hers, when he could see there was no reason to panic. But even though he was relieved that everything was fine, he still couldn't help but groan at the idea of starting yet another day. Sophia though, was bright eyed and had already changed into one of the other two outfits that he'd crammed into their bag. He knew he needed to find her more clothes, the teal jacket she was wearing had stained blood on it and the beige pants she was wearing were not only dirty, and not only ripped over her knees, but were suddenly riding up the kids ankles. He studied them for longer then was needed, because he was sure they'd fit her just fine a few months ago.
"Time to get up" Sophia urged, giving him another light shove.
He nodded and rubbed at his face. Ignoring her as she crawled over his knees to take a spot on the bed. He hadn't even fully woken up yet, but as far as the kid was concerned, she'd been relieved of her duties the very moment that his eyes had opened.
Once she was clear of him, she crossed her legs and leaned the black, hardcover book on to her knees, ducking her head and getting her face as close to the page as she could. It was clear, that she had been counting down the minutes for him to wake up, so that she could get back to whatever it was that she was doing in that book.
Sophia had two possessions that were of great importance to her and he was proud that he had supplied her with both of them.
The first was her doll. The one he had taken from that girls room, months ago.
He had tossed it to her quietly and told her that he thought she should keep it.
She had acted as though she wasn't interested. She had pretended that she was to old for such a childish thing. And he hadn't believed any of it.
He had promised there was nothing wrong with her hanging on to a doll. She was a kid. A little girl at that, and he believed that as a little girl she deserved to have a doll for company or comfort…whatever it was that girls wanted dolls for to begin with.
The second thing he had given her, he'd handed over without any consideration.
Week's ago, they'd been hauled up in a house waiting out the rain and he was faced with, what was now, an overly energetic child.
Sophia was used to walking for at least ten hours a day, so when she was forced to be stuck inside with nothing to do, she was near bouncing off the walls with boredom.
He had tossed her a book and some pens and pencils, hoping she could entertain herself with it for a few minutes. What he didn't expect was that he would have to pull the thing from her hands at the end of the night, because she refused to go to sleep. He realized that she had been saying "One more minute, I'm almost done" for almost two hours, and there was a good chance that she would continue saying that until the sun rose.
He didn't know what she was doing in the black hard covered book and she clearly didn't want him to know. He figured it was something of a diary. And even though he had no intention of invading her privacy, he had to admit he was curious.
He got up and yawned loudly, letting it turn into a growl, that he hoped would help wake him up.
"You good?" he mumbled as he headed towards the door. Rather then looking up from her book she shooed him away with the flick of her hand, then went back to what she was doing.
He pulled the crossbow over his shoulder as he made his way outside to relieve himself. His head was swimming with the same things that it often filled with when he woke up. The reoccurring thought that he missed coffee. That he needed to find coffee. He also knew that once he got moving and fully woke up, that these thoughts would pass, but it didn't stop him from wishing for it every morning.
It wasn't until he started walking back inside that he heard it.
He wondered how long the man had been there, attempting to sneak up on him.
He pretended he didn't hear the quickly approaching sounds of feet on the ground. Crunching leaves, shuffled stones and breaking twigs. The sounds of someone who didn't know how to move quietly or simply didn't feel the need to bother trying. He was either confident or stupid.
He could tell by the sounds that they he wasn't to close. But he wasn't to far off either.
He moved as quickly as he could, without giving anything away and got himself inside. He barely made it through the door when then pulled his crossbow from his shoulder and turned around, aiming at the wide eyed man who already had his gun aimed.
He looked confident, but that didn't mean he wasn't also stupid.
He wasn't to big, not really. No bigger then he was, no more of a threat then he was. Even the gun he was holding was nothing special. But still the man looked as though he had an army behind him.
Only he didn't.
"Why don't you just go on now?" he growled, keeping his eyes locked on the mans face, waiting for some twitch or sign that he was going to pull the trigger.
The man smiled and shook his head slowly. "You out here all alone?"
He clenched his jaw and took a steady breath through his nose, preparing himself. "Believe me, I got nothin' for ya. Just walk away"
"Oh I believe that." the man offered with a smirk, as he traced his eyes over Daryl from head to toe.
He knew what the man was looking at. It was the same thing that he himself was noticing.
"Me and some other fellas, we got us-"
The hurried footsteps coming from upstairs, caused the man to suddenly freeze and turn his head towards the front door of the house.
"Are we still gonna stay here another night? Cause I don't-"
He flicked his eyes quickly to the kid to see where she was, then quickly looked back to the strangers face, just in time to see the look in the mans eyes, just in time to see the curl of his lip.
He didn't hesitate. He didn't wait for the voice in his head to question or taunt him. He just took the shot that he had been ready to take.
There was a second where he ignored Sophia's gasp. He ignored her when she frantically cried out and asked him what happened, asked him why he had killed the man who had done nothing to them.
He ignored her because he was waiting.
After he killed Jim back at the quarry, or more accurately, after he put down the walker that had been Jim, he'd felt like something in his head had snapped. He had flown into a somewhat catatonic state, where he couldn't comprehend what he had just done or understand how to process so many conflicting feelings at once. But that wasn't happening right now.
He knew exactly what he had done and he knew with complete certainty that he would do it again.
"Get upstairs and get our shit. We gotta get outta here." He demanded as he walked over to the body to retrieve his bolt.
Sophia laughed loudly, but there was no trace of humor in the sound. If anything the kid sounded mortified. "Why? You killed him. What do you think he's gonna do? Far as I can tell, you took away his chance at ever doing anything ever again. Besides-"
"Sophia!" he snapped causing the kid to jump. He didn't mean to scare her, but he needed her attention, he needed to grab her from the hysterical state that she was in right now.
"Look at him." he growled, trying to keep his tone calm, but failing.
Sophia's eyes rolled towards the body and examined it for a few seconds, before she looked back at him with a hard, but clearly confused gaze.
"Look his clothes and then look at mine. Look at how much he's carrying. Look at how clean he is."
The crease in Sophia's brow suddenly disappeared and her eyes went wide, before she instantly scanned the area around them.
Once Sophia understood what he was thinking, the confusion and distress she had been wearing, quickly morphed into panic, matching his own."What if someone comes looking for him?"
"I'll take care of it. Just go and get our shit." he promised pointing to the house and urging her to hurry.
He kept looking around as he began pulling the body into the house, moving as quickly as he could.
He could hear Sophia upstairs, stomping around and he knew she was going as fast as she could.
He went through the mans things, he took the gun and ammo, along with the knife. But he wasn't carrying much else in the small pack. He had half a bottle of water and half a pack of smokes. No food, no change of clothes, nothing to hunt with and nothing to cook with. That lack of supplies made him more nervous then he wanted to admit. It made him shove the body into the closet a little faster then was probably necessary.
The man had come from the south and was heading north, so they ran east. It was a guess and nothing more. Whatever group the man had been with, wasn't far off, and all they could do was hope that they were running away from them, rather then toward them.
Usually they took their time when they were traveling. They always reminded each other, that this was a marathon, not a race. But today, he had pulled her along until she couldn't walk any further and then he had carried her until his back ached and his feet went numb.
The house they had stumbled towards in the dead of night was burnout and in no condition for them stay in. But the garage that was across the lot was untouched and would have to do.
He pulled the garage door open and lit a small fire just outside of it. He would keep it going for a few more hours, then he would put it out and bury it in dirt, so that he could be sure it wouldn't still be smoking in the morning. So he could be sure that no one would see the smoke in the sky.
She hadn't said a word to him all day. Not really. She had said things like "How much further?" "Can I have some water", but that had been it. Now that she was settled and ready for bed, he could see she was ready to talk. And so was he. He wasn't going to let this be another thing that hung heavily in the air around them.
"Killing people is wrong."
She spoke softly and carefully. She said the words as though she was repeating something that had been echoing in her head all day. Something she was sure was true. She was as sure of it as she was her own name, or the color of the sky.
"Dyin' is worse. What could have happened to you? That would have been worse." he promised her, with just as much certainty in his tone.
As confused and upset as was right now, he knew it was nothing compared to how she would have handled it a few months ago. She was different through and through. This was just more proof.
"So your just gonna kill anyone you want? Cause of what they might do" she snapped, shaking her head as she spoke.
He stayed calm. He kept his eyes on hers and let her finish what she was saying. And when she stopped talking, he gave her a few more seconds to make sure she was actually done.
"I'll do what I have to do. You're going back to your Ma. I'm gonna do what I have to do to get you there."
A flare of anger appeared in her eyes and her nose scrunched at the mention of her mother. He almost wished he could take back what he'd just said, even though he didn't understand what had caused the reaction.
"And what do you think she's gonna say when she finds out what we done?" she asked coldly through her teeth. that were tightly clamped together.
He was ready to reply. He was ready to argue this point until she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. He didn't care how long it took. He was going to make her understand why he did what he did, because she needed to be aware that it was going to happen every time he felt like they were in danger. But all the arguments he had lined up in his head were put on pause by one simple word.
"We? Sophia that wasn't your fault today. I made that choice and-"
Suddenly, without any real reason, the anger in her was was gone and Sophia looked nervous. Scared, even. She hadn't looked at him like that even after he had killed the man today. He had seen a lot of emotions in her expression after he pulled the trigger, but she hadn't looked like she did right now.
He could see her face suddenly turn red and her eyes filling with tears, that would escape as soon as she let herself blink. "What is it?"
She released three sharp shallow breaths, quickly and roughly. Trying to hold back what ever was begging to be released from inside of her chest. "I killed her. I killed Daphne"
The shallow breaths continued and she let the tears fall, and he sat there staring at her, trying to make sense of what she had just said. "What?"
As he let her words run through his head again, he shook his head at her, wondering if the kid had lost her mind sometime today and maybe he had missed it. "Walkers killed her, Soph"
It was then that the sobbing began. She wasn't crying in the way he had seen her before. Her eyes weren't filled with sadness or hurt. She just looked nervous and panicked. In many ways it was harder for him to look at.
"They got in the kitchen through the-…the screen door was left open and they got in. And I-…I froze up again." The words tumbled out of her mouth between the sobbing and shallow breaths and he couldn't bring himself to move an inch as she spoke.
"When they got a hold of me I screamed. Daphne was trying to help me, but she didn't have anything to stop them. There was nothing she could do, so I-.." She paused taking back more hard breaths, pushing herself to continue, even though she didn't to. He knew what she was going to say. But he let her go anyway. She needed to get it out, she had let this fester for far to long.
"I grabbed her. I pushed her toward them, so I could get away. I killed her"
"Walkers killed her. Not you" There were a number of things he had told Sophia, that he hadn't really been able to explain and she had followed him blindly. She trusted him to know what was best. He wished that right now was one of those times where she could simply take his word for it.
"That's bullshit and you know it." Sophia said, slowly staring to calm down. Maybe it had been his reaction that had worried her, maybe that was why she had broken down. Maybe she had expected something from him. Something he had no intention of delivering. Whatever the reason, he could see her whole form relaxing in front of him.
"The arrow that went through that mans head today, ended his life. But it didn't kill him." Sophia explained with her tied eyes and tear stained cheeks in full view. "You did that. You pulled the trigger. Just like I pushed Daphne"
He needed to figure out a way to lift this guilt of her shoulders, but he couldn't think of a way right now. Right now, he couldn't argue with her logic. But he still didn't agree with it. She was a kid. Anything that happened, weather she had a hand in it or not, wasn't ever going to be her fault. He should have taken better care of her and she shouldn't be out here to begin with.
"I don't care what you have to do to survive. As long as you do it" he said flatly, watching as her eyes focus on his, squinting at them slightly, as though there was something written in them she was trying to read.
"She helped us" she whispered.
He nodded in agreement. "I had her with us, to help keep you alive. That's why she was with us."
Sophia digested his words for a few seconds, before she shook her head slightly."But she-"
"I don't care." he said coldly, before she could continue. "If I had to kill her myself, I would have done it. I could live with her blood on my hands."
"Doesn't feel right." She added, letting her eyes drop. Now he could see it, the sadness, it was a particular type. Not like she had minutes before. This expression had nothing to do with Daphne or the man he had killed today. He knew in his gut why she looked at him like this. It was because she knew that this was their new normal, and she didn't want it to be.
"That's what I need from you Soph. You need to swear to me, that you'll always do what you gotta do. Even if it's messy. Even if it's hard and it makes you feel fuckin horrible."