Chapter 36: November
He heard her hiss behind him, instantly causing him to spin away from the window to see what the sound was caused by.
"Ya good?" he asked before he'd even settled his eyes on her.
Her teeth were clenched together and she looked up at him with an apologetically pained expression. Though he had no idea why.
He creased his brow at her expression and felt the familiar rumble of panic beginning to rise from his gut to his chest, while he wondered what had brought on the pained look that her face held.
Until he looked down at kids shaky hands.
"Jesus Soph" he spat as his eyes narrowed in on her feet. She had her knee bent, resting one of her feet on her thigh while she'd peeled the shoe and sock away from her shredded foot.
Sophia shook her head quickly at him, doing her best to wipe away any discomfort from her face. "I'm fine. It's fine" she promised as he knelt down in front of her and took her small foot in his hands to examine it.
"Ya not fine, ya feet are a fuckin mess." he said, cringing as he started to carefully turn her foot in his hand to examine the damage.
"Don't know if ya noticed, but ya feet are pretty fucking important. If its one thing I can assure ya, it's that we'll always be walkin" he said, as he tried to reign in the range of emotions he was feeling. Frustration, concern….annoyance. None of it would do any good, so he bit it all back.
"I can walk. I can" she added quickly, trying not to squirm as he began the to ply the other shoe off.
He squinted at the blisters and dried blood on her feet, gently turning her foot in his hand to examine the damage. "Why didn't ya tell me?"
He settled his eyes on her face and watched her face scrunch slightly as she considered the simple question.
Until she finally shrugged. "I don't know. The shoes..they were always kinda tight and now.."
He nodded and dropped his eyes back to her feet to continue on with his assessment. "Now they just plain don't fit ya" He said, shaking his head to himself as the realization hit him. "Ya havn' a growth spurt, have been for a good bit now"
It was enough to explain why the shoes didn't fit and why her pant legs had been rising up her ankle. But it didn't explain why she had been walking around in pain for god only knows how long.
"You think I'm taller?" Sophia asked, momentarily distracted from her discomfort.
"Hell yeah ya taller."
She raised her brow and shrugged slightly, "I didn't notice"
He knew this shit was important to kids. They wanted to get bigger. They wanted to progress beyond what they were, as if being an adult would give them something they lacked. He briefly thought about telling her the truth, but instead he decided to indulge the kid. What else did she really have going for her. Judging by the state of her feet, he knew that discovering the height she had gained would probably be the high point of her day.
"Gonna be taller then me if ya keep going like this" he pointed out, noticing her smile at the thought before she looked back down to her feet and chewed at her lower lip, surveying the damage with him.
He had no doubt that she could walk, it would be uncomfortable and most likely a little bit painful, but she could walk. The problem was, what would they would be like in a few more days if she kept walking around in the foot chewing shoes. If she kept going like this then it wouldn't matter if he got her shoes that fit, because she would have fucked up her feet enough that any pressure on them would be damn near unbearable.
"Few days walk to the next town. We'll check it out, find ya somethin"
Sophia shook her head. "No towns. You said-"
"I know what I said. But ya need shoes Soph. Ain't a luxury, that shits a necessity. Hopefully we can find ya some there, until then I'll carry ya." he said as sternly as he could, knowing an objection would would quickly be followed by his plan.
She shook her head furiously and he understood why. "No. I can walk."
"No way. We cant have em getting worse"
"I'll slow you down and it's to dangerous. I mean-…You're talking about carrying me into a town…With Walkers? That's just damn stupid and-"
"We'll figure something out." He said firmly, cutting her off. "It's a few days away, like I said. Until then ya ain't walkin' and it ain't up for discussion"
He wasn't surprised when he got up and began to leave the room, that he felt something hit him. He looked down at the doll that she had thrown and was greatful that something heavier hadn't been in her reach.
He rolled his eyes and reached down to pick the thing up, dusting it off against his leg.
He knew she'd done it without thinking and he was also sure that she had regretted it before the doll had even hit the ground. Not because she was sorry she had thrown something at him, but because she had thrown the doll. It was precious to her, she slept with it every night and sometimes when she was bored he caught her sitting with it, fidgeting with it absently. For the most part, the doll and her book, seemed to have taken the place of her fingers mindlessly plucking at the knees of her pants. Finding clothes that fit Sophia had proved difficult and he had no idea how to sew, so he had just as much respect for the book and doll as Sophia did.
Rather then throw it back to her, he walked back and passed it to her.
He ignored how she snatched it from him and turned her eyes to the wall so she didn't have to look at him. As time passed, her moods, though irritating, were easier to tolerate.
He sighed and shook his head, as he turned to leave her alone. Hoping some space from him would help her calm down. "Im'a make us some dinner. I want you to stay up her, ok. Rest those feet."
He knew that, months ago when he had carried Sophia for what ever reason, he hadn't felt this weighed down.
He didn't dare complain. He knew she didn't need to hear it and it wasn't going to help either one of them. But the fact was, she was heavier then he remembered. Or maybe it was because his bag was holding more then it once had. Or maybe, and more likely, it was that he was getting weaker out here. They were to exposed to the elements, they spent to much time on their feet, they didn't sleep or eat enough. They were slowly, but surely, falling apart out here.
"It was a frog" Sophia added to the ramblings she was caught in.
"I don't think I saw that one" he told her as he carried her on his back through the woods.
Sophia didn't do well when she had to much energy. She was in a better head space when she had been worn out, or when she had something to occupy her time. But right now he could hear a tremor in her voice, rattling her words around as they left was clear that she was anxious.
She knew just as well as he did, that she was making things a little less safer then they both would have liked. He couldn't keep a good eye on their surroundings and that could cause a number of problems for them. Knowing that, made her just as uncomfortable as it made him.
So he did his best to distract her, by engaging in long and pointless topics of conversations.
"Everyone's seen that one" Sophia pointed out.
She was right too. Everyone had seen that one.
"Nope. Don't think I did. Tell me about it. Maybe I just need remindin'"
He ignored the way she fidgeted with a lock of his hair, absently twirling it around her fingers as she spoke. He didn't tell her it was annoying him, that it was tickling his neck and he would rather she wasn't poking around at his head while he walked. But he didn't say anything.
"This man, he finds a frog that can sing, so he thinks he's going to be rich and famous-"Sophia continued on, recounting the plot of the cartoon, that he knew was called 'One Froggy Evening'.
He hummed and grunted in response as she talked, urging her to continue. And he was surprised when she was able to make him laugh at her recount of something that he knew so well. The voices she created and her description of the events, had been dramatized just enough to be amusing.
"After we go to that town…where are we going?"
He shrugged slightly as he tuned back just enough to check the area behind them.
"We can get the map out tonight and you can pick, if you want." he offered as he turned back to the tracks ahead of them.
He tried, to stay as positive as he could. He tried in every way possible, to turn this into something of a game. Sophia often picked the direction they would go in and the he would praise her choice. Then upon their arrival Sophia would mark off the the towns they had passed through, the roads they had taken, the spot where they had settled, hoping that eventually they would narrow down the spot where their group was settled.
Hoping to find Carol.
Sophia snored lightly with her arms hanging loosely over his shoulders, while he looked around for a spot to camp out. When she had started to doze off, he had stopped for a moment, to move everything around, until he had their bag on his back, and Sophia held tightly to his chest.
He guessed that it would be a few more miles before they reached another house and he was debating on what he should do. He didn't like walking in the dark, but he knew that's what may happen if they decided to keep going until they found shelter. He also didn't like sleeping outside with the kid. They had done it many times before and he was sure they would do it a hundred more times if they had to. He just didn't like it. They were to exposed and it was to cold now do it comfortably. But as they walked on and he could see the sun lowering in the sky, he knew they might not have any other choice.
He veered of the train tracks they had been following and wondered into the woods, he'd picked this spot because of how overgrown everything was. It was more likely they would be able to find something to eat.
As it got colder, game got harder to find and he knew that very soon he needed to explain to Sophia, that they would need to stop. He had her rugged up in every scrap of clothing she owned but soon that wouldn't be enough, soon he wouldn't be able to safely bring her out here to walk for hours in the cold.
He had some ideas of where he might like to stop. When Sophia was asleep at nights he would sometimes inspect the map and consider different places to take her. Places he could get her too easily enough.
His train of thought was interrupted when the sound of voices started to fill the space around him.
Instantly he stopped and looked around. The tension in his body grew more and more as he searched the area, trying to spot the approaching group of people. He hopped that because he couldn't see anyone, then no one could see him. But he also knew there was really no way to be sure of that. He was also sure that he could hear voices coming from more then one direction, leaving him with very little idea of which way he should run.
He tightened his grip on Sophia and considered the questions she had asked him weeks before, after he had killed the man, the last living soul they had seen.
She wanted to know how he knew the man was a threat.
She wanted to know if there was any way that Daryl could have misinterpreted the expression on the strangers face, or possibly the feeling in his own gut. He had sworn to her that he was sure that he had done the right thing. He'd told her that he had no doubt that the man was dangerous, but quietly he did question himself. In the confines of his own mind he wondered if his paranoia had won over his reason? Was he acting out of intuition, or was it fear driving him? He couldn't really be sure.
Even right now, his gut was telling him to run. Kill everyone who crossed their path. But that voice in his head, questioned him. Was he running from safety? Was he running from help? Hell, was he running from the people that he was out here searching for?
He looked ahead of them and worked out a route in his head, a path that would move them from one spot to another, keeping them covered enough so that he could have a quick look at the group.
If they looked harmless, then he would watch them for awhile, maybe even a few days, so that he could see that it was safe to approach. And If they were dangerous then he could simply leave the way he had come and move away without them knowing.
As he moved forward from one spot to another, hearing the voices growing nearer, he made plans to wake Sophia. He was going to find somewhere safe to put her down while he got a closer look, but before he could even start his search for a safe place to leave her, he was faced with the group he had been looking for.
Through the cover of the trees and bushes he was hiding behind, he could catch glimpses of them in the distance. He guessed that there was maybe ten or fifteen men. He froze watching them milling around their newly found camp space, setting up their tents and starting fires. He could hear them laughing, talking loudly without a care in the world, drowning out the sound of what he was sure was crying, coming from inside of one of the tents.
The pain that suddenly twisted in his stomach was stronger then anything he had felt in a long time. It was a women, that much he knew. The fear and panic that shook through his body was more then enough, he thought, to wake Sophia, but still she slept peacefully in his arms. She had no idea what was happening around them. He considered waking her, but then he thought about what her reaction would be, what it would do to her when they had to leave. Maybe if he'd been alone out here he could have taken the chance. If it was just him.
He let go of of shaky breath and stepped back carefully, wanting to keep his eyes on them for as long as he could, to assure they didn't spot him, to assure they never got anywhere near the kid.
"Hey"
He jumped back when he heard the whisper coming from his right. He froze starring at the boy. He was ready to drop Sophia, pull his crossbow from his shoulder and kill him. But when he saw the look on his face, he found himself just as stuck as boy obviously was.
The kid was no more then nineteen years old, wide eyed and clearly in a panic as he took in the sight of Sophia still sleeping soundly in his arms.
Quickly the boys jaw clenched, his eyes looked from Sophia to the direction of his group, before darting back, narrowed and hard on his.
"Run. Now."
The next morning he wondered around the yard, looking for signs of the group he had run from. He had refused the break that Sophia had offered him, because he couldn't imagine closing his eyes now.
It didn't matter how far from them he got, he was sure he could still hear them in the distance. But as he walked around in circles, he drew the attention of the walkers close by. At first he hadn't minded. He wanted something to kill. He wanted to unleash this feeling that was rotting inside of him, but when he saw the small form emerge from the woods, that feeling disappeared and was replaced with something far worse.
The sight made him want to heave and he still wasn't completely sure that he wasn't going to.
The thing with kids, was that they were small, they weren't prepared and that meant when they got close to walkers they usually got mauled to the bone. But apparently that wasn't always the case. The boy that wondered towards him was probably the same as Sophia, give or take a year, and from what he could tell the boy had been bitten, that was what had killed him.
He wore a backpack that was strapped around his chest, a mess of brown hair, freckled cheeks and dried blood covering his arm where he had been bitten. But their were no other signs of blood on the boy. He guessed the boy hadn't even been dead to long and wondered where the kids mother was. He wondered if Carol was somewhere thinking that Sophia had met a similar fate.
He hated the thoughts that followed, he hated the way his mind seemed to work these days. He felt like a stranger to himself a lot of the time. Strategy overruled emotion, survival was all that mattered. He had lived like this before, this what was how he had kept himself alive as a boy. But he never knew what he was really capable of until he had to care for Sophia.
He knew now that he'd kill. He knew he'd leave people to die. He knew he'd see blood covering the ground and the only thing he'd feel was relief that it wasn't Sophia that had died. He never guessed that beyond that relief, he would feel nothing.
He looked over his shoulder towards the rundown farm house and stared at it for a few minutes. He didn't want to do this. It wasn't right. But right now he didn't know that he had much of a choice.
He looked back towards the small group of walkers and hung his head as he approached them. He quietly cursed himself and took down the two older walkers, taking just a little bit more care when he took down the young boy.
"Where were ya?" Sophia asked with her eyes locked on the paper.
"Just went outside for a bit, I heard some walkers"
Sophia nodded and continued on with whatever she was doing in her book. She always looked slightly relaxed when she had her head stuck in it, like she disappeared into it briefly and forgot about everything around them. He didn't know what she was always doing in the thing. She could have been plotting his death or planning world domination for all he knew. But whatever it was, he knew it gave her some kind of escape, so he was grateful that she had it.
He hadn't told her what had happened the day before while she was sleeping in his arms. He'd lied to her. He told her that he'd stumbled onto a small heard and that was why he had started running. He told her he wanted to walk though the night because he wanted to make sure that he put as much space between them as he could. He just couldn't bring himself to tell her the truth of what he'd seen and heard. He didn't want to admit that he had heard a women who needed help and he had ran in the other direction.
"You could have come got me if you were having trouble" Sophia muttered as she angled her he head slightly and adjusted her arm to suit whatever she was doing on the page.
"Huh?"
She glanced in his direction again, scanning him from head to tow quickly before looking back to what she was doing."You're covered in dirt. If there was to many of them? if you needed help, you should have come and got me"
"Nah, it was fine. Just three of em. I uh-…" he stopped himself for a second, trying to shake the memory. He was almost sure that she could tell that something bad had happened, just by looking at him. But once again he lied.
"I just tripped over is all."
He'd buried the boy, it was the least he could do and he had dug the hole with a shovel he found by the barn and the task left him covered in dirt. And as much as he hated to think about, he would want the same thing done for Sophia. He wouldn't want her discarded like she was nothing, not like the way he treated the rest of the walkers.
It was easier to let yourself believe that the Walkers were never people, you needed to disconnect from that so you could keep a clear head and avoid joining them.
But it was just harder to do when they were kids.
"I found some stuff downstairs" he muttered.
"What?" she asked as she closed her book and looked up at him.
He tossed the small backpack onto the mattress and took a step back, leaning into the door frame.
Her eyes lit up when she pulled out the sneakers and black hoodie. He had put the shoes in there himself, after he cleaned them off and aired them out a bit, but the hoodie and a few other small random items were all the boy had been carrying in the bag. It was nothing that was going to save their lives, but it might assure that they get a bit further, a bit easier.
He liked to think that the boy wouldn't have minded.
She knew she made people uncomfortable, she knew that her silence was unnerving, but she just didn't have anything to say. So when heard the approaching footsteps coming down the hallway, she ignored them.
She didn't need to worry about anyone invading her space. Everyone seemed to accept that when she was in her cell, it was a clear indication that she wanted to be alone.
It let everyone know that she was done tending to their needs and that she was tired of Ed's watchful eye.
Sometimes she wondered what Ed was plotting. She wondered what possible plan he could have, or why he even bothered to concoct them. But most of the time she found it hard to care. With what little time they all had on this earth, she didn't see the point in wasting another minute on Ed.
T-dog was dead. Lori was dead. In truth she knew she should have died in those tombs right along with them. And perhaps if Rick hadn't have been wondering the halls on a killing spree, then she would be gone. And she couldn't lie to herself and pretend that a part of her didn't mind the idea of leaving this world behind. Because then it would be over. The waiting and wanting. It would be done. She'd would have been free.
But it didn't work out like that. Rick had pulled her out of that cell and brought her back to the land of the living. He brought her back so that she could continue on with her waiting game. Counting down the days and wondering when it would happen. Wondering when she would loose that last connection to them, that she had growing inside of her.
It was impossible to stop herself from comparing this pregnancy to the last, no matter how often Hershel had told her to stop doing it. It was a simple request from the old man, considering no pregnancy was ever the same as another. Especially considering she knew that much herself.
Maybe he wouldn't have had to make that request if she hadn't completely lost her mind. But she often felt as though that was exactly what had happened.
When she had been pregnant with Sophia, she'd had brief bouts of morning sickness but that had been it. As far as her body went though? There was almost no proof that a baby was forming inside of her, not until Sophia was almost ready to greet the world. Sophia grew quietly in her body and she was just as quiet when she finally decided to grace everyone with her presence.
Not this baby though.
This baby wanted everyone to know of it's existence, even before it was born. She felt huge. She felt as though he was trying to escape from her, as though he knew his mother was incapable of protecting him. And though she knew it was crazy to think it, she wondered if he knew on some level that she had lost his family. She had doomed him to a short existence because there was no way that she would be able to protect him from such a cruel world. She wondered if that was why she felt most days like she could puke until she turned herself inside out.
These were the thoughts that flew though her head all day and night. These were the thoughts that plagued her right now, while she sat at the end of her bunk and cried hopelessly into her palms.
She had convinced herself that she was loosing it. But when the voices spoke over her sobbing, causing her to freeze in place, she had to wonder just how far gone her mind really was.
"I always told that boy to wear a rubber, now look at what he's gone and done"
The first thought that she had, was that she was seeing things.
That the ghosts she was looking at were something that her imagination had conjured up. She had missed Andrea, more then she could ever explain to anyone. And she guessed that maybe she had missed Andrea so much that maybe her brain had decided to send her completely over the edge and offer her an hallucination.
But she knew that what she was seeing was real, when she took in the sight of Merle Dixon standing alongside her.
The smirk he was wearing only grew when Andrea snapped out of her shocked state and slapped his arm. The action seemed almost second nature to the women, as though she didn't even need to consider it.
She watched as Andrea bound forward reaching out for her as she made her way into the cell, but she was still frozen at the sight of her friend, seemingly appearing out of nowhere. Returning from the dead.
She barely had time to lift herself to her feet as Andrea approached and pulled her tightly into the warmth and safety of her arms.