Chapter 44
The panic coursed through his veins like ice and the only clear thought running through his head was that he had, once again, fucked up.
He rose up quickly, ready to search through the darkness for any sign of Sophia. He could hear his own panting as he reached all around him.
He was ready to run, he was ready to yell out her name. Until the dark room was suddenly filled with the light from a candle that had been lit.
Within that same second, the memories of his reunion with Carol came flooding into his head.
She looked down at him and smiled weakly as she rocked the baby in her arms. "You ok?" she asked softly.
The expression on her face was filled with a worry that she was trying to hide, but one that he couldn't ignore.
"I'm sorry" he mumbled as he tried to calm down.
He didn't want to be a mess. He wanted to be better then this, because he wanted to take care of her. She'd done everything alone and he hated the thought of making her life any harder then it had been.
"How long I been asleep for? He whispered, hoping not to wake the baby that she had clearly been trying to settle.
She shrugged. "You slept all day yesterday."
He could tell by the dim light that was starting to seep in the cell block, that it must have been early in the morning.
He tried his best to hide his panic, but even he could hear the way that his voice shook as he spoke.
"Sophia?" he questioned, leaning forward on the mattress, propped up on his elbows, ready to go if needed. Though to go where, he didn't exactly know.
He didn't want to offend her. She was more then capable of looking after her own kid and he knew that. But he still wanted to know where she was and what she had been doing. He still needed someone to tell him that Sophia was safe. Only then did he realize that it would be a hard habit to break. He reminded himself that Sophia was not entirely his responsibility anymore. But the thought couldn't seep into the foundation of his mind and it wouldn't absorb into his senses.
"She's been asleep too. She didn't even wake up when the baby started crying" she answered softly as she passed him by.
She left the cell before he could say anything else and quickly returned with empty arms.
When she came back in she walked over to the dresser and passed him some clean clothes. They didn't belong to him, or at least they hadn't before.
They weren't stained in filth and covered in rips like everything he had brought with him.
"I need to show you something" she said in a hushed tone, as he took the folded clothes from her, unable to take his eyes off her face.
At first he was worried that he'd upset her, but he couldn't see any anger in her face. When he looked up at her, all he could see was her cautious expression.
She seemed to be growing more nervous as each second passed and he had a feeling he was about to find out why.
After he was dressed he followed her out of the cell and noticed Glenn sitting at the top of the staircase with a girl he hadn't met yet.
"Can you watch them?" Carol asked.
Glenn and the girl both nodded and pushed their bodies closer together so that he and carol could Get passed them.
Glenn seemed far to focused on the ground. He felt like they didn't want to look at him, as though they knew where he was being taken.
He didn't question Carol as they made their way outside, he just followed her closely as she led the way, walking way too fast and holding her body way too tightly.
They went passed the courtyard, the picnic tables and the garden. She led him to the far corner of the field.
She'd taken him to the graveyard.
He stopped walking when she did, standing two steps behind her. He waited in silence, giving her some time to work herself up to whatever it was she needed to say. But after five minutes passed, he wondered if she was lost in some kind of daze.
"Why are we here Carol?" he asked, watching her suck back a breath as though she was trying to prepare herself.
She looked over her shoulder towards him, but kept her eyes cast down.
"You didn't ask about them… about Lori, Dale, Tdog and Shane….and Andrea"
He didn't say anything. She was right, he hadn't asked about them. In the short time he'd actually spent with Carol since they got there, they hadn't done a lot of talking.
It wasn't that he didn't have questions to ask her, he just thought they had time to talk later. But apparently now was later.
She started then, to tell him what had happened. She told him how they all died, one by one, dropping like flies around her.
She explained to him that Andrea had saved her when the farm was being overrun with walkers, but she had lost her….lost, the word she used was lost and he hadn't pushed her on it.
He looked down at the two graves, at the fresh flowers and perfectly arranged stones that encircled them. They didn't look like the other graves. They had been kept separate from the others and they were fresher. And they had been cared for.
"whose graves are these?" he asked as he did the math in his head and worked through the information he had just been given. Dale and Shane had died on the farm, Andrea had been missing for a long time now. It only really left Tdog and Lori… But Lori's grave was clearly marked
"Carol?" he muttered.
He couldn't see her face bit he could hear her heavy breathing and see the sudden shake of her shoulders.
"Its Merles grave." She said turning to face him.
"What?" he questioned. He'd heard her, but he still felt as though he needed the words repeated to him. His knees felt weak and his stomach instantly twisted into knots. All he could think about was seeing his brother, on the steps of their parents house tying his shoes. He didn't know why that particular memory came to his mind. He couldn't even understand why that simple moment had stayed with him for all these years. He believed that Merle was maybe 15? Tying the laces to his worn out sneakers. He remembered that Merle had smiled at him as he approached him, but then he had went back to what he was doing. The sun was beaming down on him and in that moment there was nothing wrong.
"I'm so sorry" Carol said softly as she reached out to him. He looked down to where her hand had landed on his arm, and his eyes focused on her long fingers bracing him.
"I don't understand" he said, shaking his head and keeping his eyes on her comforting touch.
"Merle was here, with Andrea" Carol said after a long moment of silence.
She kept things simple. She didn't go into great detail. She simply told him that his brother had come from Woodbury, with Andrea at his side. That they had lived here, together. Until everything fell apart As it always seemed to.
Thus was when her hand slid from his skin and her arms folded around her stomach.
"The governor. We got attacked and everything got out of control"
He could hear the pain in every word she spoke as she tried to finish the story and if he wasn't so desperate to know what happened to his brother, he might have told her to stop.
"Andrea, she snuck off, she wanted to try and talk some sense into him." Carol said as her gaze landed on the ground and she forced herself to continue. He knew she was reliving it to some extent. It was clear that she hadn't fully recovered from it.
"When Merle found out that she was dead, he went after the governor."
He stepped closer to her but she instantly stepped back. As though his advance had sent a shock through her, turning her back toward the grave.
"I went after him. I tried to get to him in time, but I was too late." She said quickly.
"When I found him he was-…" she stopped herself and took heavy breaths and he knew, without looking at her, that she was crying.
"I put him down and I-… I brought him here. I buried him here with Andrea…. so that they could be together" she said with a firm nod.
"So that they wouldn't be far away, because I-….." her hand rose to her chest and she quickly turned to face him once more.
"I'm sorry. I tried. I promise I did."
He pulled her into his arms then, way too fast and way too rough, but she didn't seem to mind.
At some point, though he wasn't sure when, a shift happened. Suddenly it felt like she was holding him, instead of him holding her. Suddenly she was comforting him instead of the other way around. He wasn't sure what had caused the shift, but without him meaning too, that image of his brother on the steps was all he could think about. Unharmed. Young. Happy. Alive in every sense of the word. With everything still ahead of him.
That memory broke him down.
They had stood there for what was probably too long. But she hadn't rushed him. She hadn't once reminded him of their other responsibilities. She just stood with him and answered all of his questions as they came to him. She allowed him time to come to terms with it as best he could.
"This is what you wanted to talk about? The other night before we…"
Carol nodded. "I'm sorry" she apologized for what felt like the hundredth time.
"Don't be" He muttered.
He had long known that there was a good chance his brother was dead, but he could never be sure. In his head he had imagined that Merle had found another group, with people who were similar to him, somewhere he could fit in.
Other days, he remembered the blood. There was so much of it.
The image of the severed hand always entered his mind and he wondered if someone could actually survive something like that. Even someone as strong as Merle had been.
But now he had his answers.
Merle had been strong enough to survive it and he had found a group. He had found Andrea and he'd loved her.
"He was….he was clean? While he was here he weren't on nothin'?" he asked, wanting to be sure that the picture he was drawing in his head was accurate.
Carol smiled and nodded. "You would have been proud of him. He took care of Andrea, of Hayes….Of me. He took care of all of us, the best he could."
Her eyes fell to the dirt of Merle's grave, with a warm expression that made his heart ache to see.
"He died to save us. To keep us safe." She added. "all of us"
"He named him?" he questioned, even though he was sure he knew the answer.
"Yes. After your cousin." Carol said as she met his eyes to smile at him.
"I was going to name him after you, but Merle said you wouldn't want that"
He was grateful in that moment that his brother had the sense to speak up and make sure Carol hadn't named the boy after him. He had always wanted the name Daryl Dixon to die with him.
"He looked out for you? For Hayes?" he asked wanting more details.
"He was there for us. Whenever I needed him." Carol assured him.
She watched him put his smoke out and made her way back over to him. She braced his arms and turned him to face her and he let her move him to stand where ever she wanted.
His chest burnt as he looked down at her and the knots in his stomach only tightened more. When her hands reached up to brace his face he struggled to keep his breathing steady.
"He was there when he was born, he held him in his arms. He was so….he loved him so much.
I'm sorry you didn't get to see that Daryl. What he'd become"
He nodded. What more could he ask for from his brother. He'd finally become the man Daryl always knew he could be, but he had missed it.
"So am I" he told her as he leaned into her and curled his arms around her waist.
One of his arms was hanging over her shoulder, keeping her body pressed against him as they walked the prison grounds, back to their cell.
With his free hand, he quickly smoked another cigarette, wanting to have it finished before they got close to the entry, so he didn't have to stop.
He knew Carol wanted to get back to the kids and he didn't want to hold them up.
He felt heavier. In a way that wasn't at all unpleasant. He felt like he had so much to do, so much more to worry about and care for.
He had Carol back and he had a son.. the four of them were together. They had a home together. It wasn't just him and Sophia anymore.
There was more to worry about then just caring for Sophia and he didn't at all find it disagreeable. It made his life feel fuller.
It dulled the sting of loosing his brother.
He had planned to ask her a question…. He'd wanted to talk to her, but when his eyes fell on the man that was staring back at him, he couldn't remember what those questions were.
With a fence and a courtyard between them, he stopped dead in his tracks and clenched his jaw.
He growled as he took in the sight of Ed Peletier, alive and well.
"You gotta be fuckin kidding me!"
As soon as Sophia woke up he and carol took her down the hall to see the doctor. It hadn't taken long for him to deem Sophia healthy, her only real issue was that she was malnourished.
He couldn't hide the sting of guilt and shame rush through him when the doctor talked about how skinny Sophia was and how much weight he believed she needed to gain. He felt so sick about it that he found it hard to look at Carol because he was afraid he'd see the judgement in her eyes that he felt flooding his chest .
Sophia however, he could look at. They're eyes landed on each other more then once while the doctor spoke and Sophia seemed to be just as worried about him as he was about her.
He told them he wanted a minute alone with the doctor and that he didn't think they should waste time getting Sophia her breakfast. Sophia had insisted twice that she could wait, but he had managed to convince her that he simply needed some privacy while he talked to the doctor.
"Sounds like bacterial pneumonia-…" the doctor answered, after hearing the long list of symptoms.
"pneumonia?" Daryl echoed.
"Maybe. Possibly. I cant really be sure" he answered, looking down at the notepad he had been scribbling on at his desk.
"Why?" Daryl asked.
".…Why?" the doctor asked with his brow raised in confusion.
"Why can't ya be sure?" he pressed, trying to hide his annoyance.
The doctor let out a humorless laugh and shook his head, before leaning back in his seat. "Well Daryl, I could take some bloods and send it off to the lab, but I doubt we'll get a reply."
Daryl couldn't help bit growl to himself as he squeezed the bridge of his nose.
The doctor sighed and threw his hand up in defeat.
"look, If I'd had treated you both while you were still in the thick of it, I might have been able to make a more precise diagnosis…Right now though, I'm just going off what you're telling me." The doctor laughed then, as he leaned further back in his seat. "Truth is, with my limited resources, even if I had have been treating you , I still wouldn't have been able to know exactly."
"So your not sure? I mean she could have'-"
"I'm as sure I can be. As sure as I'll ever be." The doctor added quickly, cutting Daryl off.
"Well if that's it..If it's what you think.. then how did she catch it? How did I?" Daryl asked.
Again, the doctor shook his head.
"I can't be sure of that either. There are a lot of factors that go into figuring that out, things I cant examine."
"Like what?"
"There are a number of bacteria's that you both could have been exposed to. You were traveling, you were moving from one environment to another, you were in contact with animals and-…, honestly Daryl I could go on for hours. There is simply no way of knowing."
Daryl's mind raced with the new information, trying to scan through his memory to see if anything stood out.
"Why'd she get sick first. Everywhere she went, I went. She done all the same stuff I done." He asked as he thought through everything, trying to make sense of it.
"You cant be absolutely sure of that Daryl,…not really."
He didn't know why he instantly felt defensive. But he did. It was clear that the doctor hadn't meant anything by it, but he couldn't fight the need to defend himself.
"I ain't never let her outta my sight. She was sick for damn near a week before I-"
The doctor instantly shook his head and raised his hand, making a silent demand that Daryl relax.
"And that's most likely how you became ill" he said softly. Hoping to calm Daryl down before he went on.
"It's very likely that you contracted it from Sophia. Some forms of pneumonia can remain contagious for weeks."
He tried to stay calm and tried to remember that the doctor wasn't accusing him of anything or even trying to imply anything. The man was doing nothing but answering the questions he had been asked.
"But you don't think that it's like-..something that will come back?. She ain't gonna get it again….right?"
"Any of us can get sick Daryl. If we come into contact-…." It was then that the doctor stopped and shook his head to himself. "Sophia is healthy Daryl and she has just as much chance of staying that way as the rest of us do."
He chewed at his lip and forced himself to believe what he was being told. Sophia was fine. She was going to be fine. There had been no long lasting damage and she wasn't suffering the way he still was.
"My breathin'. I mean you said she's healthy an-…"
He didn't finish and he hadn't needed too, the doctor seemed to understand what he was getting at.
"Sophia's breathing sounds good. Better then yours. Most likely because she's not a heavy smoker…there's also the chance that she had more time to recover…more time for her body to heal? If you take it slow…rest?, then I believe you will see improvements."
He looked at his feet and mulled over everything again. He was sure he had been chewing his lip so hard that he could taste blood.
"She's fine, Daryl. Really. There's no reason to believe that Sophia hasn't made a full recovery" the doctor added, sensing his distress.
"She took it different then me. Made her act different" he admitted.
He nodded, clearly not surprised by the comment. "illnesses affect people differently. That's not an unusual occurrence."
There was a question he wanted to ask. But he had no idea if he should. He didn't want to look crazy and he didn't want to say the wrong thing.
"My head. It got all messed up. I couldn't think straight" he admitted, leaning forward, pressing his elbows onto his knees.
"Some people who have pneumonia can have sudden changes in mental awareness. It's not uncommon"
"Mental awareness?" he questioned choosing to focus on his hands as he wrung them together.
"Reduced awareness of surroundings, confusion… they might even suffer from hallucinations and-"
Perhaps he'd made a face and that was why the doctor had stopped. Maybe he'd noticed how tightly his hands were gripping each other.
"Does any of that describe what you felt?" the doctor asked carefully, keeping his tone steady.
When he didn't answer, the doctor didn't push him.
"I'm not going to pretend that I have any clue what you went through out there Daryl. I cant imagine what it was like to be caring for a child-...
But I can tell you, that Sophia is fine now."
He forced himself to look up and thank the doctor.
"You won't tell her that right? I mean- that you think I caught it off her? I don't want her to feel no kinda way about it"
"Of course not, Daryl. This can stay between us...Between the three of us" the doctor corrected himself with a smile, glancing toward the entry of the cell.
Carol stood at the door way with a surprised look on her face, that quickly turned apologetic. "I'm sorry, your breakfast is ready... I just came down to...i'm sorry" she said quickly.
He smiled at her and shook his head, before rising to his feet. "S'right. We're done here."
When they returned to their block they were met with Sophia and Carl emerging from Sophia's cell. As the kids walked out, Glenn quickly followed, offering Carol a nod before he went on his way. Relieved from his babysitting duties.
Sophia approached them as they walked towards her, leaving Carl a few steps behind her.
"Can I go with Carl?" she asked him, watching him closely to gauge his reaction.
His heart instantly sped up and he tried to keep his anxiety hidden from her, because he knew that's why she was watching him so closely.
"Uh...where?" He asked. Wondering why they couldn't just sit in her cell, reading comic books like they had been.
Carl stepped closer, but kept himself behind Sophia, clearly trying to keep a respectful distance.
"We're just going down to see the piglets, they were born this morning. I thought she might want to see them." He explained.
He swallowed down and looked at Sophia. He thought through all the things that could go wrong and found himself shaking his head before the words even left his mouth. "I don't know"
Sophia nodded, ready to give in, when Carl spoke up once again. "We won't go near D. And my dad and Hershel are down there."
The kid was different to what Daryl remembered
. He was older, harder. He wasn't that little boy anymore. It was the kind of thing that left you feeling sorrowful. The innocence and naivety that had once made him seem like a child was dead. What was left, was colder and rougher. He wondered then, if that's what people saw when they looked at Sophia.
He let out a heavy breath through his nose and looked back to Sophia. "You come right back if there's any trouble and just-"
"I'll be careful. I promise." She offered quickly before he could continue.
He watched them both walking away together and he desperately tried to ignore the pain in his gut.
"H-Hey Soph?" he called out.
She stopped instantly and looked back at him, giving him a comforting smile.
"I've got it. It's right here" she said, patting her waist. Letting him know, that hidden beneath her jacket was her gun.
"Its not like before." Carol said from his side. "People watch out for the kids here, Daryl"
If he was being honest, he'd almost forgot the women was next to him. And he certainly hadn't thought about how her daughter hadn't thought to ask her mother for permission to leave. Sophia hadn't even really acknowledged that Carol was standing by him.
He wanted to apologize for that. But right now all he could think about was Sophia's safety.
"Those people know he's not allowed near her?" he questioned as the kids we suddenly put of his sights completely.
"He's not allowed anywhere near the field outside of our block. He's not even allowed to eat in the dining area" Carol explained as he turned to face her.
He nodded, tightening his jaw.
"What would happen if he broke those rules?"
Suddenly her eyes dropped from his and he could see the hesitation to reply.
"I'm not doing this crap again. I'm not gonna let him mess with her again. Spin shit in her head! Not again." He spat far too coldly as he went into their cell." He quickly looked for his few belongings, ready to follow Sophia when he heard Carol's quiet voice break through the silence and his hysteria.
"She told you what he said. What Ed said to her at the camp"
Those memories of what it had been like back then came back into his mind and they seemed to snap him into his senses.
He remembered how Sophia had been after Ed had manipulated her into believing that life with her mother was coming to an end. And he remembered how much it had shattered Carol. He'd had nothing to offer her back then, he had no idea what to do.
But that was then.
When he looked back at her he could see that same desperation and heartache that she'd showed him all that time ago and it killed him to see it still so fresh in her eyes.
"She told me"
Please let me know what you thought of this chapter.
Next one is almost finished x