Chapter 45
He had found it hard to find the right words and he'd had even more trouble trying too sit still. How could he think clearly when he didn't know where she was? Or if she was safe?
And through his stammering and pacing, she had watched him quietly.
She didn't tell him to calm down and she didn't tell him that he was being irrational. But he could see the concern in her eyes. He knew that she was coming to the same realisation that he was. This was not some fairy tale reunion. He was fucked up.
But rather then voice her concerns, she had taken him to an empty cell, across the hall. It was one of the few with a window.
He'd been able to look out and see Sophia with Rick, Hershel and Carl. She was perfectly safe. And he knew then if he were to intrude on her outing, he would only make the situation tense.
He agreed that he wasn't going after Sophia and he had agreed that he would sit in the cell and talk to Carol.
But Hayes had other plans.
Before Daryl could speak, the howling of his son filled the block and Carol quickly retrieved him.
Rather then holding him herself, she put the baby into his arms. And when he had asked if he was holding him right, she'd helped him get more comfortable.
For a long time they sat together, on the middle of the mattress facing each other, watching the baby and marvelling over him.
They touched his tiny fingers and his soft cheeks. She showed him how to change his diaper and dress him. He'd asked her, if she would once again, teach him how to care for a child.
"You knew how to care for Sophia already, you never needed help" She said softly, smoothing back the thick wavy hair on Hayes head.
He shook his head and watched his son yawn and stretch out in his arms, clearly comforted by his mother's touch.
"No I didn't. I learnt all the important stuff from watching you. Keeping an eye on someone, it ain't enough. She needed more than that while we were out there"
Carol smiled at him. But he could see beyond it. He could see the insecurities and guilt that had always been there.
"It looks like you gave her everything she needed. She adores you."
He frowned to himself.
He couldn't accept the compliments.
He couldn't even look at her when she'd said it. He wondered if she would feel that way if she knew just how much danger he had put Sophia in. If she knew how many mistakes he had made, would she still think he was some kind of hero. Or would she see what he did? A reckless moron who was lucky to be alive.
"What did he say to her that day, Daryl?"
"He told her that we wouldn't want her around when we had a family of our own. That she'd have to go be with him...That i'd make you send her away and you'd do what I told you too"
It was then that his jaw tensed and he had to remind himself that he needed to stay calm for the baby in his arms.
"He told her that if she kept on upsetting him, that she'd pay for it later."
"That's why she was hanging off the grimes family the way she was... she was praying they'd keep her once we kicked her out of our tent" Daryl finished.
"I would never..." Carol whispered, looking at him hard.
He shook his head and reached out to take her hand. "She knows that. As soon as she was far from Ed, her head got clear."
He rubbed his thumb over the soft skin of her palm and smiled at her.
"It weren't never you. He manipulated her. He scared her. It weren't you."
Beth had come to take the baby, announcing that she had a nice warm bath all ready for him. Then she planned to spend some time with him before his next nap.
Carol explained, after Beth left, that this was a part of the daily routine. Beth would come and take the baby while Carol did her jobs and chores.
Soon she would need to leave, to help make lunch and once she had cooked, eaten and helped clean up, she would go and pick him up from his babysitter.
But she also pointed out that today, Beth had picked Hayes up early and she didn't have anywhere she needed to be right away.
He knew they still had so much more to say. But he couldn't remember a single thing he needed to talk about once they started undoing buttons.
He leaned in close, kissing her neck and inching back slightly to move his mouth over to hers, that was when the thin scar caught his eye.
He pulled back slightly to examine it, knowing it hadn't been there before. She looked at him with a slight curve on her lips, wondering what had gotten his attention.
He reached up and ran his finger lightly over the razor thin scar on her cheek, making her light smile disappear and her eyes drop down to his chest.
"How'd that happen?" he asked in a quiet whisper as he lightly ran his finger over the scar. They had been apart a long time and it was a dangerous world. The first thought that popped into his head was that it had happened fighting walkers or maybe even during an accident. He thought maybe it had happened that day she got stuck in the tombs with T-dog. But as he took in the way she was avoiding his gaze, his gut twisted into a knot, because he knew that wasn't the case.
"Carol"
She looked up at the mention of her name and every muscle in his body tightened when he saw her worried expression and the way her eyes scanned over him cautiously, as if she was searching for the right words to say.
"Tell me" he said straightening up on the bed, his eyes locked on the scar.
"You need to stay calm." she stressed. In that moment he knew without any doubt what had happened and he could feel his chest start to rise.
"You need to tell me what happened" he demanded in a low rough growl as he dropped his hand from her face, making her let out a heavy sigh, before she bit down on her bottom lip.
Her eyes continued to move over his face, as if she was planning each word before it was spoken. He didn't like that. He didn't like the way she forced her muscles to relax and her face to soften, thinking that her placid stance would help keep him calm.
"I was on watch one night and Ed came out. We had an argument and it got a bit… out of control-"
"He hit ya?" he concluded, cutting her off and wondering how in the hell she could talk so casually about that prick putting his hands on her again after everything that had happened.
"It was months ago and I-…I said something that I shouldn't have-"
He jumped from the bed before she could say anything else, before she could attempt to shift the blame from Ed to her.
He grabbed his knife and left the cell, with bare feet and his shirt still unbuttoned, moving quickly from the cell block. He heard her call out to him as he ran from their room but he didn't stop for a single second.
She'd needed to get dressed and that had given him a head start, not that anything she had to say would have been able to stop him. Because there were no excuses. He was done with this shit, done with Ed getting away with everything, without any consequences. That had been the problem all along. Ed got to do whatever the hell he had wanted and there was never any payback.
He ran out into the courtyard and scanned the area until he set his sights on him.
He saw Ed leaning into the fence that separated the cell blocks, casually smoking a cigarette and talking to a man that Daryl hadn't met yet.
The yard was full of people, but no one turned their head in his direction. No one noticed the burning rage that was fueling every step as his bare feet hit the warm concrete.
When he reached his target he launched himself forward quickly, assuring that Ed didn't have a chance to defend himself.
He had no intention of hitting him, which made the task simple.
He reached out and wrapped his hand around Ed's throat, holding him in place while he clipped his face with the tip of his knife.
It only took a few seconds and it was done.
He got a good wave of deja-vu when he felt hands on him, dragging him back and watching others do the same too Ed.
But it was different now. He was different.
He never knew how much he had been holding back at the camp. Basic fact was he could have killed Ed, he could have killed Ed the day he met him, but he just didn't have it in him back then.
Now he did.
Back then he'd wanted to kill Ed, he had thought about it more times then he could count, but there was a big difference between thinking about something you wanted to do and actually being able to do it.
Now he knew that if he needed too, he could sneak into Ed's room in the middle of the night and kill him quickly, he would make sure no one was around to stop him. He wouldn't think twice about doing it and he wouldn't dwell on it for a second after it was done. He'd wander back to his cell block making a mental list of the things he had to do the next day, he'd make sure the kids were still resting soundly and then he would slip back into bed with Carol, wrap his arm around her and fall back into a heavy and guiltless sleep.
"Whats going on Daryl" Rick questioned getting in front of him, trying to take his attention away from Ed.
"Saw the scar on Carol's cheek. Came down here to settle it" He said confidently without a shred of remorse.
He was expecting Rick to react how he had in the past. He thought Rick would tell him to calm down and let someone else handle things, tell him this isn't how they do things. But instead Rick nodded and all he found in the man's eyes was understanding.
He watched as Rick backed off him, looking satisfied with the answer, before turning to Ed and giving him a shrug.
"Told you this would happen when he made it back. Your lucky it's not worse" Rick said with an almost smug tone, that seem to set Ed off more then the bloody wound on his cheek.
"You're ok with him acting like a goddamn lunatic" Ed barked, clenching his teeth together as he glared at Rick.
"He told you to stay away from her, Ed. Hell, We all did. You didn't listen. What do you expect him to do" Rick asked.
"I expect him to mind his own god damn business and stop playing house with my family" Ed snapped looking at Daryl.
"I ain't playin'. This ain't no game" He promised Ed with a growl.
"Carol's with me and she's the mother of my kids. Hayes and Sophia. That's my family." He growled, pointing to his chest as he spoke. "Mine. And if you so much as look at'em again, I'll cut ya throat."
He watched as Ed cursed loudly and launched himself forward, but the hold on him was to forceful to move.
"Let him go. If that dumb shit wants to die, let him die" Daryl demanded in a cold rough tone.
"I won't hesitate Ed. Not for a fuckin second" He assured Ed as he remained unmoving and waiting for what ever came next.
He watched as Ed's fight against the people holding him back weakened, taking in his words and assessing him, as if searching for any sign of weakness.
Ed was taller, bigger, but not stronger and they both knew it.
He turned to see Sophia and Carol standing side by side, watching him. Carol looked like she was in shock, but as he looked to Sophia all he could see was disappointment.
He continued to hear Ed argue with Rick as he made his way over to the girls. He kept his head down as he reached them, wanting them to avoid the fury that was still etched in his eyes. He walked past them both, but heard them fall into step alongside him as he began buttoning up his shirt and making his way back to the cell block.
He had somewhat calmed down by the time they made it back to their cells. He knew he needed to talk through what had just happened, but he didn't know what he was going to say. Especially when he knew Carol would be expecting remorse or an apology and he didn't have either to give to her.
He stopped outside their neighboring cells and turned to face them both. He thought Carol would be angry, that the shock of seeing him like that would have worn off. That she would be visibly upset over him reacting to the scar, especially when he knew she didn't want him to. But when he turned to look at Carol he couldn't decipher her expression, it was blank and controlled and he couldn't tell what was lying behind it.
He looked down when Sophia stormed off into her cell, noticing that her eyes were narrowed and her brow was creased.
Instinctively he took a step in her direction ready to follow her, before he caught himself and stopped.
He looked back to Carol to see a curve on her lip before it was quickly removed and she walked into their cell. He followed her in and found her slipping her shoes on quickly.
"I've gotta go and help cook. You should go talk to her"
He didn't know what to say so he simply nodded as she walked passed him and told him she would see them both at dinner. He rubbed his neck as she left, wondering how he was going to make her understand, what he needed to tell her in order to make her see, that he couldn't play Russian roulette with their lives and just hope that everything turned out ok. He'd done it before and it hadn't worked.
He needed to kill Ed and he knew it. He had known it since they were at the quarry.
He walked into Sophia's cell to find her sitting on the bottom bunk with her back pressed into the wall and her arms folded across her stomach.
She didn't turn her head when he got closer, and not when he sat on the edge of the bunk and moved himself back, until he was leaning into the wall beside her.
"You wanna talk" he asked looking straight ahead at the blank wall with her.
"Depends. You gonna lie?" she asked sternly before pursing her lips. He turned his head slightly to look at her, internally debating the answer to her question. Problem was, he couldn't sugar-coat it even if he wanted to, she'd seen what just happened and she knew him far too well, she'd see through him like glass if he tried to bullshit her.
"No. I won't." he answered regrettably, wishing lying was an option.
"Well, what did he do?"
"Something happened while we were gone. She told me about it and I got…. upset"
"He hit her?" she questioned with her sights still locked ahead, her voice full of frustration that caused each word to scrape from her throat, using all her energy to keep from yelling the words.
"It's not gonna happen again." he promised in an attempt to ease the stress that he felt responsible for.
She let out a heavy sigh and closed her eyes for a moment. She was working on calming her self down and he could see her starting to relax, after a minute she didn't look so tense and she didn't look so angry. Now she just looked tired.
"look, I'm not blaming you. So don't take this the wrong way" she said in a controlled tone as she rolled her head on the wall to face him.
"She's said that to me before and it still happened. You've said that before and it still happened. You cant control Ed. Don't be stupid enough to think you can" her gravelly tone threw him and the dark edge to her words made him feel defensive.
"What would you have me do?" he asked, trying to keep his voice calm, but it didn't work.
"You know exactly what you should do. So why didn't you just do it and get it over with?"
He stood in the watchtower scanning the area through the scope on the rifle. He was lost in the task when he heard footsteps behind him and turned to see Rick making his way over to the railing.
"You square everything away with Carol?"
"Not really. Not yet. She didn't really say much after" he admitted.
"What about Sophia?" Rick added, making him wonder if he had seen the difference in the expression she held when compared to her mother.
"Asked why I didn't just kill him" he answered with a humorless laugh.
"Why didn't you?"
"You gonna kick me out if I do?" He questioned cautiously, wondering if this was a trap.
"No." Rick said bluntly.
"You serious?" Daryl asked raising his brow.
"He's a flight risk. Everyone knows it. I've come close a couple of times myself."
"When he hit her?" Daryl questioned.
"Yeah and-…." Rick trailed of and looked out into the darkness of the field, he waited on Rick to continue but it became obvious after a few seconds passed that Rick had no intention on finishing his thought.
"And what?" Daryl snapped.
"You should talk to Carol"
"I'm talking to you. You think she's gonna tell me shit after what happened today"
"It was a long time ago." Rick said regrettably.
He sighed heavily and shook his head. "I've been gone a year, not a damn decade. Tell me"
"There were a few incidents. Some shit happened that didn't sit right with me. I'm not the only one who has seen it. Its gotten worse since Merle got killed and-… sorry"
The words had stung but he pushed passed them."Incidents? What incidents"
"They argued a lot after you and Sophia went missing. He was doing anything he could to get her back. She wasn't having a bar of it though. She was sure you'd find us or we'd find you."
"And?" Daryl pushed.
"And it pissed him off." Rick added with a humorless laugh." Even when you were gone he still couldn't compete and that just made him act out more. He'd say things to her, trying to mess with her head, trying to break her down. He just wanted to undo what you did"
"What I did?"
"You showed her that she didn't need him. He didn't like that"
"Why didn't you just tell him to fuck off? Kick him out"
"I didn't really have a choice. I needed all the hands I could get. The people from Woodbury only arrived a few months ago. Before that there was hardly any of us. As much as I hate to admit it, we needed him."
"And now?" he questioned eyeing Ricks cold expression as he tried to comprehend the fact that this conversation was even taking place.
"Now we don't." he said casually with a shrug. He found himself staring at Rick and the relaxed manner he had when talking openly about the idea of murdering someone, even if that someone needed to be removed. It still made him uncomfortable discussing it, especially with a man who had once valued human life so much.
Rick nodded as if he could read his thoughts, his expression growing serious as he angled his body to face him.
"That's your family, if you see them in danger no one here is going to say anything when you remove the threat. It's not the way it used to be. I'm not"
He knew what had happened with Shane was spiraling through Ricks head right now, that the idea of knowing you were a safer bet for someone else's child had been realized by him now that he had Judith.
When they were at the camp Rick was on the other side of the argument. His own wife had been sleeping with another man, a man who was working to take her and his child away from him, but now that viewpoint had changed and Rick could finally understand where he was coming from.
He was sure now, that Ricks own issues had gotten twisted into the situation with him Carol and ed, even more certain that Shane's had to. Shane had been rooting for him and Carol, but what he was most likely rooting for was him and Lori.
"So what are these questions I was supposed to get asked?" he said lightly changing the subject. At least he thought he was.
"You don't need to worry about those Daryl" he mumbled as if the question made him uncomfortable.
"nah come on, spit em out" he urged as he lit a smoke and leaned his elbows into the railing.
Rick looked even more reluctant to answer the question and that was just making him curious now.
These were the things they asked all the people they brought into the sanctuary of the prison walls, but for some reason Rick seemed uncomfortable to voice them.
"Jesus Rick, c'mon. Let's hear em"
Rick let out a sigh and looked Daryl over for a second before he finally gave in and decided to continue.
"How many walkers have you killed" Rick asked leaning into the railing along side him.
"Fuck" he muttered with a bewildered expression, rolling his eyes in his head as he took a long drag of his smoke.
"Hundred. Give or , I got no idea" he guessed watching Ricks brow raise at the answer.
He waited for the next question but noticed Rick hesitate in voicing it.
After a long silence Rick finally spoke.
"How many people?"
He felt his whole body go stiff and his chest expand as he took in a deep breath. He wished he hadn't asked about the damn questions.
No one really knew what he had done out there, no one but Sophia. A part of him wanted to tell Rick to forget it and not give an answer. Another part of him wanted to get it off his chest and admit to what he had done.
A few years ago, if someone had have told him he'd be itching to confess his murders to a cop, he would have told them they were bat shit crazy. But here he was.
"You don't have to-"
"Six" he said quickly, cutting rick off. Relaxing instantly when he noticed the information didn't unsettle the former officer. His eyes held only acceptance and that lightened the load on his shoulders.
"Why?" Rick asked with a slight nod of his head as the question was given.
He didn't hesitate, he didn't consider his answer, because there was only one.
"To keep her alive" he said confidently and clearly. Rick turned his head and lined his eyes with his, giving him a light reassuring smile before he continued to look out into the darkness of the area surrounding them, nodding to himself as if he'd known the answer before Daryl had given it.