Chapter 46:
It was so strange that she could finally reach out and touch them, while feeling as though they were still so far away from her. It was like there was a barrier between them all and she didn't know how to break through it to grab a hold of them.
Every day, since they had literally walked back into her life, 5 days ago, she had wanted to make demands on them both. She wanted to know what the hell happened and she wanted details. She didn't want the bullet points or the cut version, she wanted to know what happened to them out there. It didn't take a genius to know that they had been through something horrible.
Even if she didn't know either of them, she would have been able to simply look at them and know that they were broken.
She could see it in their eyes.
Both of them looked at her with this expression that was riddled with guilt and fear, it was like they were drowning in it, but she couldn't save them. She couldn't pull them back to the surface.
"I should go back" Sophia said while nervously looking over her shoulder.
"He's asleep honey." She reminded her.
Sophia nodded sternly. "Exactly. I should go back."
Sophia turned slightly, ready to head back the way they'd come but Carol braced her shoulder and pushed her forward.
"He's perfectly safe" Carol pressed as she continued to lead Sophia to one of the
picnic benches that filled the courtyard.
She decided on one that was far from everyone else, wanting to maintain some privacy with Sophia and also, hopefully, make Sophia more comfortable.
"Wait here. I'll get you something to eat." Carol tried to sound casual. She didn't want Sophia to be anymore on edge then she obviously was.
She left Sophia to sit at the bench and settle, rather then stand in line and wait for food.
The line was often crowded, busy and loud. Though she didn't know her daughter as well as she once had, she wasn't blinded to Sophia's anxiety.
She could clearly see Sophia, from where she stood in the line.
She watched Sophia's hands fidgeting. She could see how tense she was and her reaction to the people moving around her. She could see Sophia watching them suspiciously and openly glaring at them.
She simply wasn't the little girl she had once known. She wondered if in time she would resemble her again? Maybe after she got more comfortable in her new home she would find that girl again.
But Carol knew it was more likely that she would never be the same again.
She sat across from Sophia at the bench. Hoping to make it clear to everyone that they were not interested in having any company.
"Are we going to take some to Daryl?"
She smiled at her and shook her head. "He already ate. After he finished his shift. The night shift eat before they go to sleep."
Sophia nodded and started picking at her food.
"How long you been here?" Sophia questioned in a flat tone, her eyes still focused on her food.
"I'm not really sure. I can only guess" Carol said, focusing all her attention on Sophia.
Sophia shrugged. "so, guess"
"10 months maybe. Like I said, I'm not too sure"
Sophia nodded and looked up from her food for a brief moment. "So you weren't on the road long?"
Carol shook her head. "not very long at all"
"that's good. I'm glad." Sophia said with obvious relief, taking a second to glance at Carol as she spoke.
"Did you and Daryl ever stay anywhere long"
Sophia's face went flat for a long moment. She stared at Carol and Carol stared right back, trying to decipher what that blank expression meant.
Sophia pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, before her face suddenly softened and she shook her head slightly to herself.
She sighed suddenly and picked up her fork again.
"We wintered at a cabin. I don't know how long we were there for. Maybe a month? That's the longest we stayed anywhere"
"That's the longest you stopped travelling for?" Carol asked, hoping to keep Sophia talking.
"Sometimes we'd stop for a few days. Especially if Daryl thought it was safe. And when Daryl was sick we couldn't walk so far"
It was clear as Sophia started eating and answering Carols questions, that she'd somewhat relaxed into the conversation.
"Must be nice to finally have a place to rest?" Carol said.
For a quick moment, she noticed Sophia's eyes flick off to the side and her body go still. In that second, Carol could see the answer to her question hidden in her daughters eyes, before it was wiped away and replaced with an unconvincing grin.
Sophia quickly nodded. "Sure. It's great"
Carol's stomach twisted into knots for two reasons. The first, was that her daughter felt like she needed to lie. And the second was that she had to wonder now if a part of Sophia would be happier far away from the prison.
"Its ok if this is hard for you" carol said softly, leaning in.
She reached across the table and touched Sophia's hand lightly, causing Sophia to go still. Her eyes landed on the warm contact and stayed there as Carol continued.
"No one expects you to get used to all of this overnight. I'm not expecting you to be... i'm not expecting you to be anything except you. Exactly who you are right now"
Sophia continued to look at Carol's hand resting on hers, she looked at the gesture with shame and what appeared to be remorse. But Carol had no idea why.
"There's just a lot of people here. More then I'm used too and I dont-..."
She gave Sophia time to finish her thought, but after awhile it became clear that she didn't want to give any more away.
"It will just take some time. But it will get better. I promise"
The smile she received then, though it was faint, it wasn't forced. It was even a little hopeful.
"You never met another group" Carol asked hoping to keep the conversation going.
"We were saved by a group. At the very start."
Carol nodded. Daryl had told her about the group that had saved them and taken them to Austin. But he'd never gone into any great detail. He had simply explained why it had taken them so long to get back to the camp-site.
"That was the last time you were around anyone besides Daryl?"
Sophia shrugged as she took another mouthful.
"Well there was Daphne." She answered, talking around her food.
As soon as the name left her mouth, Carol knew it had been an accident and it was one that Sophia instantly regretted.
"Daphne?" Carol questioned without any thought.
Sophia refused to look up and it only made Carol more nervous.
"She travelled with us for awhile" Sophia said before shoveling the last of her food into her mouth.
"She did?"
"It wasn't long" Sophia mumbled pushing her plate away.
"Why not long?"
Sophia rung her hands together and looked around the courtyard. "She died"
Sophia was clearly uncomfortable and her reaction to talking about this woman, this Daphne, was making Carol feel sick.
She wasn't one to push, but right now she couldn't seem to help herself.
"Were you close to her" she asked, trying to understand Sophia's discomfort.
Sophia quickly cut her off, rising to her feet. She wrapped her arm around herself and nodded toward the pig pen.
"Can I go see Carl. He's right over there."
Carol swallowed down her words and the many questions she still had and forced herself to smile.
"Of course sweetheart. I'll be helping clean up, if you need me. Right there in the kitchen."
Without another word, Sophia was gone, moving as quickly as she could to get away from the conversation.
He cracked his back as he roamed out of the cell block, hoping to find Sophia . He was hoping that no one would notice that he was frantically looking for her.
But if someone did notice the panic in his eyes he very much doubted that they would ask him about it. They would sooner talk about his mood behind his back. They would rather watch every move he made instead of question him why he made them.
And they treated Sophia the same way. As a source of entertainment, or something to fear. It didn't matter which because both left him feeling the same way.
He ignored the many eyes on him as best he could and looked for Sophia, hoping to find her as soon as he could, so that he could relax.
All he had was the habits that he had lived with day in and day out for more then a year.
Even now, his life still held some resemblance of the routine that he had recently left behind.
He took watch at night when he couldn't sleep. Sitting up all night and keeping watch just wasn't something he could stop doing right away. They didn't really need him up in the tower, but he wanted to do his part and until he was well enough to start hunting there wasn't much else he could do to contribute.
But it meant that he slept in and he missed Sophia, Carol And Hayes all leave the cell block to start their day.
That left him searching her out every morning.
It was odd. Obsessive, even. He wasn't searching for his son or for Carol, just for Sophia. Because his mind always told him that she wasn't safe, that voice always told him that he would loose her. He had been telling himself that very thing for so long that it was hard to stop.
It didn't take him long to spot the kid sitting alone against the cell block wall.
When his eyes landed on her his whole body relaxed and he was able to let go of a breath he'd been holding. But the expression on her face had him feeling instantly anxious again.
The kid had a scowl that could make anyone uncomfortable and he was just happy that she didn't seem to be directing it at him. Not today anyway.
She didn't look up when he made his way over to her, not even when he dropped down beside her and lit a smoke for himself.
"What's got you all bent outta shape?" he asked before he took a long drag of his smoke.
"You know him?" she asked, keeping her narrowed eyes fixed ahead.
He looked over and started sifting through his head for the answer to her question.
"That's fuckin-…Allen. No, wait…. Axle" he corrected, feeling pretty damn proud he had been able to retain the information.
"What's he doin" Sophia asked, curling her upper lip.
Daryl squinted to see if he was missing something.
"Looks like he's talkin to ya Ma" he pointed out with a shrug.
"Looks like he's standing a little bit to close to her"
He couldn't help but laugh at her tone. It didn't actually look like Axle was standing to close to Carol at all and judging by the smile on Carol's face, he doubted that she was all that bothered to be standing there talking to the guy.
"You should go over there" Sophia said as she looked over to him, nodding her head in Carol's direction.
He raised his brow at the suggestion and nodded. "Oh yeah? then what?"
"Your with her, right? She's your-… girlfriend...or wife or whatever"
He choked back on his smoke. Wife?.. In the week since they had arrived at the prison, he still hadn't asked Carol why everyone called her Mrs Dixon... he didn't know if there was a story there or what. He just knew that the more he'd heard it the more he liked the sound of it.
But even if she was his wife, he still didn't see why that meant he should interrupt her conversation with Axle.
"You want me to throw her over my shoulder, take her ass up to the cells and lock'a up?" he questioned, hoping the girl would think through what she was asking.
"What if he doesn't know your together?"
There was a bit of panic in her voice and it suddenly had him concerned. But his worry was only focused on the nervous kid at his side.
"I reckon you can trust ya Ma to set him straight if he put the moves on her"
"What if she decides she doesn't mind him putting the moves on her?"
"Then that's her decision to make, I ain't her keeper"
"Your not even worried?"
He considered the question for a bit longer then was probably necessary. He watched as Carol let out another laugh, before she reached out and gave Axle a playful shove to his arm.
There was a small sting of jealously but he figured it was more to the fact that he didn't know Axle. If she had been over there talking to Rick or Glenn he wouldn't have thought twice about it, Sophia most likely wouldn't have thought about it either.
But he didn't know Axle. And maybe he didn't like the way the guy was looking at her all doe eyed, but he still wasn't going to go over there just to lay some claim on the woman.
When he had first met Carol at the Quarry she hadn't been allowed to talk to anyone. Ed was always close by, creeping around. He wasn't going to do that shit to her.
What started to worry him was that Sophia may have had some shit a bit twisted. He knew that Sophia was aware that Ed hitting Carol was wrong, but he didn't know if she knew that Ed keeping Carol on a tight leash was just as fucked up.
"Don't matter if I am. Ya Ma's got the right to talk to who ever she pleases, I don't plan on going over there, skulking around like some asshole, just cause me and her are…whatever we are"
"Yeah but-"
"No but, Soph." He said firmly, cutting her off before she could continue. "Ain't how things work. I'm with her, I don't own her. She wants to talk to Axle, then im'a leave her be. She's a grown ass woman and she can make decisions just fine on her own, she don't need me telling her what she can and can't do"
Now his eyes were locked on Sophia. She was still watching her Ma but her expression had softened slightly.
He wanted to make sure that the information got in her head and he was going to make sure that from now on he made it clear to her that there were some boundaries that no one had a right to cross. He wanted to make sure she knew them, in case someone ever tried to cross them with her.
"I was gonna help out down at the fences before lunch. Why don't ya come with me?"
Finally Sophia tore her eyes of Carol and Axle and looked up to him with a hint of a smile.
He sprung to his feet and reached down to offer his hand with a smirk. Sophia looked at his hand and her smile grew as she reached out to take a hold of him, gripping him tightly with both hands.
He used far to much strength to launch her to her feet, making her laugh as she flew forward.
He and Sophia made their way up to the lunch line slowly. It wasn't that he wasn't starving, but they had figured out if they got in line to early, they wouldn't be able to eat with Carol, because she would still be helping serve or cleaning the space they used to prepare the meals. So they always hung back to assure they were the last two stepping in.
Once upon a time, he assumed that the picnic benches were spread out through the prison yard, but now they were arranged in the courtyard in rows. Most of the time they sat with Rick and Michonne or they would sit at an empty table close by them, but today he decided to mix it up a bit.
After he and Sophia had their plates, Carol stepped out of the kitchen area and took her own serving then they both followed him through the dining area.
He couldn't lie and say he wasn't a bit uncomfortable, he didn't really like talking to people and he didn't care to talk to people he didn't know, but he was going to push himself into doing it anyway.
"These seats taken?"
Axle looked up at him and instantly offered a smile.
"No. Please" he offered shifting himself over on the bench slightly.
He opted to sit across from the guy and Sophia instantly followed, but he noticed her hesitate to sit down when she realized that the only spot left for Carol was next to Axle.
Carol was eyeing him with a weird expression as she sat herself down slowly. She seemed to think this was some kind of a trap and maybe it was, but it wasn't one he had set for her.
"Don't think we've met properly" he offered, sticking his hand out across the table. "I'm Daryl, that there's Sophia"
Axle didn't hesitate to shake his hand, he even looked a little pleased with the offer. Sophia on the other hand, grunted at her introduction and eyed Axle suspiciously.
"I planned to introduce myself. Just thought you might want a bit of time to settle in before you had a bunch of people jumpin on ya"
"I appreciate it. It's been a bit of a…it's taking some time to get used to. Was just me and Soph for a good while, so we settlin in a bit slow"
And no truer words had been spoken. There were very few moments that passed through the day when he wasn't aware of his discomfort in the new setting, he felt like he was constantly working to fit himself into a life that didn't quite feel right. But he would continue to try until it did fit.
"I imagine it would." Axle added thoughtfully, showing his understanding. "But everyone sure is glad you made it. Carol was itchin' on you both to show up"
He smiled at Carol, even though she was still watching him with the same odd expression.
"Well, we sure were glad to see her. Hey Soph?"
Sophia nodded while moving her food around with a fork. She ignored the smile Axle gave her and thankfully Axle ignored the slight scowl that Sophia wore.
"Axle actually fixed your Truck while you were gone. It broke down when we got to the prison, but he got it going again." Carol said, jumping in, to draw attention away from Sophia's sour mood.
He raised his brow and nodded, thankful that Carol had found something for them to talk about.
"That right? You good with cars?"
He continued on a short conversation about his truck and Axle's career as a mechanic before the change happened…and before his brief incarceration, though he had no intention on judging the man for that.
Axle seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He did turn a good shade of red when ever Carol complimented him and maybe he did have eyes for her, but he also didn't seem like the kind of guy who would overstep any bounds.
There was the possibility that Axle was just pleased with the small amount of attention that Carol offered him and maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world for Carol to be admired by the guy.
He felt Sophia stiffen up beside him when Carol and Axle started chatting amongst themselves, he nudged her lightly with his elbow and grinned at her, hoping to calm her down a bit.
She seemed to relax a little bit when she could see that he wasn't bothered by the interaction, but she still looked far to uncomfortable for his liking.
It wasn't just that he was unsure if Sophia knew the acceptable boundaries of a relationship, he also wondered if Sophia just plain didn't trust people, even when they meant her no harm.
He wanted her to be cautious of people, he thought she should be. But once she had the chance to see that not everyone was out to kill them, he hoped it might help her settle in to their new home.
The prison wasn't the same as being out there, he wanted her to see that, he wanted her to know she was safe and the people she shared space with weren't trying to hurt her.
He had taught her to shoot first and ask questions later and he had put her into situations where she was exposed to people who wanted to cause her harm. But those days were hopefully behind them.
"What was all that about?" Carol asked as she began shedding her clothes to change into something comfortable that she could sleep in.
"All what?" he asked as he sat down on the bed, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. He leaned back and watched Carol continue on with her nightly routine.
"Lunch today. Sitting with Axle."
He shrugged as much as his position would allow and started chewing on his thumbnail nervously.
"Just something Soph said. Just wanted her to meet him. Thought it might help her settle in"
Carol stopped rubbing the cream into her face and turned to look at him.
"Does Axle makes Sophia uncomfortable?"
Daryl laughed. "From what I can tell, everyone makes Soph uncomfortable"
She walked across the room and crawled onto the foot of the bed.
"Does she think he's dangerous?"
He shook his head.
"Nah, it ain't that. She saw him and you talkin' and she just thought-" he stopped then and shook his head again, before he finished. "It don't matter. I just thought it might be better for her to get to know who the hell she's living with. She hasn't exactly been warm to people. Don't think she trusts em."
He thought over what he'd just said and shook his head at his own words.
"Can't say I blame her, but all the same I want her to know that no one here is trying rip everything to shreds"
"rip what to shreds?"
He shrugged again, wishing he had chosen his words better. "She just don't know these people. She don't trust em'" he looked straight ahead as a million conversations he'd had with Sophia rushed through his mind. He'd been the one to teach her, he'd trained her, he'd begged her not to trust anyone.
"It was my fault, I got her thinking she cant trust anyone-... it just needs fixin' Is all."
Carols face instantly softened and her hand landed on his leg
"You got her here Daryl. You did what ever you needed to do to survive"
He rolled his head to the side to look at her.
"That ain't exactly true. I might have done some horrible shit...things I shouldn't have "
In that one sentence he realized it was more honest then he'd been since they got back.
"You both keep saying things happened out there." Carol whispered.
He nodded. It had become the word that he and Sophia seemed to latch onto. They could group all of it in to a neat box with a bow and push all of the "things" aside.
"Do I get to know what these things were"
He froze at the question before he forced himself to relax.
He shrugged.
He didn't know what to say or where to start. And thankfully, if he asked her too, she wouldn't push It.
It took a good bit of time for Carol to get frustrated and demanded answers, and he knew she hadn't even come close to her breaking point.
"Can we not do this tonight?"
Or ever? He thought.
Carol nodded and he turned back away from her, facing the wall again. He tried to think of something to say. A safer subject to turn to, to kill the guilty silence. But thankfully he didn't have to think for too long.
"Are you jealous of Axle?"
He smiled to himself before he sat himself up and turned his body to face her.
He looked her over for a long moment. His eyes lingered on her bare legs and the over-sized t-shirts she wore, before looking back at her face. Her concern was visible and unnecessary.
"No. I trust you." He assured her.
"you do?" she questioned, raising her brow slightly.
He frowned at her then and wondered what the destination of this conversation was because he felt like it was leading somewhere "Of course I do."
Carol swallowed hard and shook her head as she spoke.
"Because, I didn't do anything with anyone while you were gone"
He squinted at her slightly and shook his head as she spoke.
"I didn't think you had."
And it was true. He'd never been worried about that. He didn't know why, he just hadn't.
"What if I did though?" Carol asked dropping her gaze to the blanket as her fingers started fidgeting with the soft fabric.
He frowned and stuttered out a sound. He only felt nervous because she clearly did and he didn't care for the festering feeling in his stomach, he already felt sick with guilt, he didn't need anything else swimming around in there.
He sighed and tried to figure out what this conversation was actually about.
"What if you'd fucked some one while I was gone?" He clarified.
Carol nodded, chewing her lower lip anxiously.
"And this is a hypothetical question?" he added.
Carol nodded again, suddenly drawing her knees up to her chest, to lean her chin on them.
His body stiffened as he examined her. He knew his hard stare was only making her more uncomfortable but he couldn't seem to stop.
"OK. Well. In this scenario, are you still with me? You still mine?"
Finally she looked back at him.
"Of course" she whispered firmly.
He let out a sigh and shrugged.
"Then I'd say I was gone a long goddamn time and I don't hardly blame you for having a roll in the hay with some lucky bastard."
Suddenly she let out a weak laugh before reaching out to swat his arm."Be serious"
"I am" he laughed, failing to dodge the playful smack.
He thought he'd managed to lighten her mood, but she quickly grew serious again.
"So you think it would be OK? To sleep with someone else?"
"I think if you have something you want to know, you should just ask" he said bluntly.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"Who's Daphne?"
He felt like his blood ran cold at the mention of her name. He could still see her mangled body on the kitchen floor, he could see the blood smeared everywhere. He could remember how it felt while he searched for Sophia.
And he could remember how she looked the night when she had confessed to what she'd done to Daphne.
"Sophia told you about her?" he asked.
Before Carol could answer he knew that she didn't know a thing. There was nothing in her expression but curiosity.
"Not much of anything really. Just that she was travelling with you, but she died"
"That's all she said?" he asked, not wanting to get caught in a lie.
Carol nodded.
Daryl's stomach clenched tightly as he thought of Daphne and he only felt more uncomfortable knowing there were things about Daphne, her death in particular, that needed to be discussed. But he needed to talk to Sophia first.
Daryl swallowed and nodded his head back at Carol.
"She was just some woman. She traveled with us, until she didn't no more."
"Was she close to Sophia?"
Daryl laughed to himself, but he didn't feel a bit of sincerity in the laughter.
"No. Not at all. Quite honestly I wish she'd never been around Soph. He said, shrugging as he finished. "But I was desperate"
"Were you...I mean,..." Carol stammered out before stopping herself.
He furrowed his brow at her and she was looking right back at him with the same expression on her face. She wanted an answer, but she didn't seem to realize that she hadn't asked a question.
"I mean did you... I just mean that if you had, that I wouldn't be mad. Like you said, it was a long time and..."
Finally he understood what this conversation was about and he cut her off before she could wonder for a second longer.
"The offer was there. But I didn't do anything with her" Daryl said shaking his head. "Not ever. Not a single thing".
He turned his gaze back to her eyes as he placed his hands on the sides of her face. Slowly he tilted her head back so that her eyes were looking deep into his.
"I could barely fuckin' breathe without you."
He hadn't meant to make her cry, but in an instant tears filled her eyes and both her hands landed over his to threaded her fingers into his, holding them in place.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have-" she said, shaking her head slightly.
Before she could finished he brought his mouth to hers.
He wondered how long it would be like this? The feeling of desperation between them. When ever he touched her he just wanted more and more. It seemed that every time they were alone they couldn't help themselves.
There was so much to discuss but once again, another night passed where they let all the unsaid words sleep in the bed with them and hang heavy in the air around them.