Chapter 48
In the early hours of the morning, just before the sun had risen, Daryl had watched her feeding the baby with a somewhat lost expression.
He had barely spoken to her since the night before. Not since he had told her that he couldn't tell her what had happened to them out there in the wild.
He had said it so many times now. He had pushed her away so many times, that she simply expected the brick wall response from him now.
But she wasn't mad. Not with him or Sophia. How could she be?
When ever he had confessed his inability to open up to her, all her feelings of frustration and disappointment were replaced with a sadness, they were washed away with an ache that she felt for him and for Sophia.
Because she no longer felt as though he didn't want to tell her. It was so much more then that.
She knew, with every thread of her soul, that he was scared to.
It wasn't that he couldn't find the words or that he was worried she would look at him differently. It was so much worse then that.
And this new revelation brought a fear that she couldn't ignore. She had to wonder, even if only for awhile, if she could handle the things that he had hidden away?
Was she strong enough to know all of those heavy things they carried? Maybe he was worried that they would break her?
She had fallen asleep wondering those things.
When she had woken, he had told her that he would be leaving, so that he could finish the task of searching the area around the prison. He had promised her that he would be back before the sunset and that he would be careful.
She didn't push him for more then that.
She had accepted the brief and simple kiss that he gave her before he left. Then she watched him as he kissed his son's head softly, showing her just how precious the boy was to him. Even if he was still having trouble navigating the role of being a father to an infant.
Then he had slipped out silently.
She hadn't even heard the sound of his boots hitting the concrete of the halls. All though she realized that she never did.
She wondered as the morning went on, if he had felt it to. Maybe the air hung heavy around him as well. Maybe he could sense the shift coming just as much as she could.
She had been cleaning up after serving breakfast when she first saw Beth carrying Judith through the fields. The growing baby girl hung on Beth's hip as they headed towards the garden, where her father, Herschel, spent most of his time.
It hit her quickly that Hayes was not with Beth, as he usually was.
But she didn't panic or worry.
She knew without a second thought exactly where he was.
She quickly made her way back up to the cell block and went into Sophia's room.
She found her daughter sitting on her bunk, cradling the baby close to her chest. She hummed a familiar tune as she ran her finger over his forehead, wiping back his fringe from his brow.
She touched the baby the same way Daryl did. As though he could be dented or creased if you touched him to roughly.
Sophia's eyes flickered in her direction as she realized she wasn't alone, but they quickly settled back on the baby.
She made her way in and sat down on her daughters bed, trying not to disturb either of her children as she settled into a comfortable position.
It was a warm day and Carol knew that she should feel hot, but her blood seem to run cold.
They sat in silence for at least five minutes, before Sophia leaned her head down and smelt the baby's head.
"I just wanted to hold him while he slept" Sophia whispered, never taking her eyes of Hayes.
Her tone alone was enough to have Carols eyes welling with tears.
The girl just looked so tired. Exhausted in a way that you should never see a child be. And Carol realised right then, that Daryl had surely seen Sophia like this more times then he could possibly count.
"He looks comfortable sweetheart. You're doing a good job with him." Carol said keeping her voice as low as Sophia's had been.
Hayes could sleep through anything and Sophia knew that. And Carol knew that Sophia's hushed tone had nothing to do with Hayes.
"He's so small." Sophia said as she took his tiny fingers in hers. "it's hard to believe I was ever this small"
Carol couldn't help but smile at the memory that appeared in her mind.
"You were such a cute baby." Carol told her, watching her daughters eyes as they examined each of Hayes's fingers one by one.
Sophia's lip curved slightly, but the look of grief and heartache quickly appeared again.
"I don't like it here. It doesn't feel safe being in one place."
Carol nodded her understanding. She was ready to reassure Sophia that the prison was safe, that at the very least it was better then being on the road.
But she didn't get the chance.
"But I wanna stay here. For him. I want to make sure he never has to do the things I did."
"What did you have to do?" Carol whispered, frozen in her spot on the mattress. Scared that if she moved to much she would disrupt what was unfolding before her.
Sophia frowned slightly and her lips stiffened, clamping her mouth shut.
"He won't be angry if you tell me. If that's what you're worried about. You know that right?"
Sophia shook her head. "Its not him I'm worried about."
"Do you think I'll be mad?" Carol asked.
Sophia's brow creased slightly and her eyes squinted as she considered the question.
"mad?" Sophia repeated before shaking her head. "It's such a strange word" She whispered.
"Is it the wrong one?" Carol questioned as she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.
Sophia shrugged. "Its just too simple"
"I think you'll be upset. Maybe confused? I think you'll look at me and see something completely different...and it won't be simple."
It was then that Sophia lifted her head and lined her eyes with Carols.
"And when you find out I can't tell you everything, you'll be frustrated with me" She said in an almost emotionless tone "Just like you already are."
"Why cant you tell me everything?" Carol questioned, but very quickly knew she wasn't going to get a response. Because she was crossing an invisible line.
Sophia let go of the strong hold she had on Carols gaze, her eyes quickly retreated back to the safety of the baby who still slept soundly in her arms, unaware of all that was happening around him.
She nodded to herself. "Its about loyalty. Having his back. Right?"
Sophia sighed slightly. "I know he's having trouble with everything. I don't want to hurt him."
Carol nodded again. She could accept that. She could understand it. She didn't need to know everything, not right now.
"What about you, baby? Tell me something about you."
Carol wasn't completely blind. She had seen both Daryl and Sophia's faces at the mere mention of one name. She knew that the woman was so much more then a simple travelling companion. They acted as if she was nothing, as though she'd had no impact on their lives. As if she hadn't really been there along side them.
"Tell me about Daphne"
Sophia looked up and instantly paled.
Her lower lip quivering and her eyes quickly glistening.
Her eyes fell.
Carol knew right then that Sophia couldn't hold it all in much longer. It was like watching cracks spread through glass, reaching further and further out, until it broke into pieces.
"Sophia?"
Her breathing quickened, even though Sophia fought to contain it. Her hands trembling, no matter how hard she tried to still them.
"I didn't want to do it" Sophia stuttered out under her breath.
"Do what, baby? Carol whispered.
When Sophia lifted her head to meet her gaze, Carol could see her daughters bloodshot eyes and guilty expression, intertwined with an absolute devastation.
"Kill her. I didn't want to kill her."