Title: Finding Ulysses
Author: Peachykin
Rating: ADULT Themes
Pairing: Mi/L
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell. Unfortunately Katims did and now we're all just cleaning up his mess.
Chapter 15
Michael, Max and Kyle all wore a look of stunned shock. Surely Lexi was mistaken... Or they'd all misheard her?
"A-Auntie's... b-baby?" Max stammered, repeating Lexi's words as if to receive verbal confirmation from Michael and Kyle that they had also heard the little girl utter those words.
Lexi nodded, her grin slowly fading as she looked between her father and two uncles. They didn't look happy. Babies were happy things. They looked surprised, like Mommy had at her birthday party. Her gaze shifted to her Uncle Grumpy, who seemed completely stunned; she could almost hear the pounding of his heart. He didn't know? But he was the baby's daddy, she'd felt it.
Kyle's nervous laughter broke the silence, "Uh, sweetie... is this a pretend baby... and imaginary one. I mean, you've been bugging your Mommy and I to bring you home a baby brother or sister...and I know you'd love a cousin..." His eyes widened, maybe it wasn't Liz's baby she'd felt. Maybe Isabel was... "Lexi? Are you sure its Auntie's baby... I mean could Mommy be...?"
Lexi shook her head, rolling her eyes at her father, "Real baby, Daddy. I no 'magine. It Auntie's, I feel it."
Michael felt his hands trembling slightly as he knelt down to Lexi's level, resting on his haunches. All the color had drained from his face and his mouth suddenly felt as dry as the New Mexico desert he'd hatched in. He tried to push his thundering heart from his ears, wanting to hear every word or crumb of information his niece might have. Surely she was mistaken, he and Liz had been so careful...
"Lexi?" His voice was hoarse and barely above a whisper, "Did you dream about the baby? I know that dreams can seem real sometimes, but..."
Lexi smiled at her pale uncle, "No Unca. It not dream baby. Baby in Auntie's tummy." she scrunched up her face, squinting her eyes as she brought her hands together with in an inch of touching. "Bery small. But it start in her heart. Yours too Grumpy."
"What?" Michael asked confused by Lexi's words. He looked to Kyle for help and saw recognition pass over his friend's face.
"Uh..." Kyle scratched his head, smiling softly as he leaned down slightly to place a gentle kiss on his daughter's temple, "When Lexi asked Is and I where babies come from, we uh... told her that when two people love each other, sometimes there's so much love that a new life is born in their hearts and grows in a mommy's tummy."
Lexi nodded emphatically at her daddy's explanation, "Auntie love Grumpy and Grumpy love Auntie. So..." she provided dryly, barely able to believe she was having to spell things out for three grown men.
"So... there is so much love that ..." Michael trailed off breathlessly. He lost his already precarious balance falling backwards with a soft thud onto the grass, his eyes wide with discovery, "Holy. Shit. I'm going to be a...dad."
Lexi's brow furrowed at her uncle, "Grumpy! You no cuss." she scolded, "Dat's potty talk."
Kyle let out another chuckle, rubbing his daughters back, "Grumpy gets a free pass on this one, Lexi girl. I said the same thing when I found out I was going to be your daddy."
Lexi wasn't convinced. She couldn't believe her mommy would let her daddy get away with cussing, but seeing the bewildered expression on Michael's face she relented. She hopped off her dad's lap and stood before Michael with her hands on her hips, staring down at him.
"Okay. Free pass, Grumpy. But you be careful. Baby can hear you."
Michael nodded numbly at the little girl, letting her wrap her little arms around his neck in congratulations. A thousand different emotions assaulted Michael's heart and he couldn't pin one down if he tried. He was going to be a father. A father! They'd never actually discussed having kids together and Michael had been resolved, happy with the family he had. But adding a whole new life? Something half his and half hers? As scared as he was at how Liz might feel about this, Michael couldn't help the feeling of rightness that settled in his heart.
Max remained standing, trying to process the information Lexi had just bestowed on them, barely able to believe what he'd heard and somehow knew to be true. Liz was pregnant. The same woman who'd told him a year prior that she'd never be ready to have children was, at that moment, carrying Michael's child within her.
Why hadn't she said anything during their conversation that morning, or even when they'd all arrived? During every word she'd uttered to him about the dissolving of their marriage, a child, that was not his, was taking shape inside her. She had to know that this information, the baby, could be enough to get him to back away, and yet she didn't use it? Why?
As Max looked down at Michael, it was clear that he had no clue about Liz's pregnancy. That he along with Max and Kyle were just made aware of it. Was it possible that Liz wasn't yet aware of the baby, being human, changed, but possible not as in tune with... But she was changed... and the baby was at least half alien...
"Lex?" Max asked kneeling down to the ground next to his niece and Michael. She lifted her head from Michael's neck to face her other uncle, "Does Auntie know about the baby in her tummy?"
"Uh huh." Lexi replied, her nod brushing her cheek against Michael's. And therein Max had his answer. Liz wanted Michael to know first. Of course she wouldn't want her ex-husband to know about her pregnancy before the baby's father did. That wasn't the type of person Liz was.
Lexi turned back to look in Michael's eyes, searching and coming up confused, "Grumpy? You daddy... You not feel da baby?"
Michael shook his head, "N-No... How did you...I mean...when...?"
"Wast night. I sit on Auntie's wap. Felt baby den." she answered, still seeing confusion in her uncle's eyes. She couldn't believe he didn't know about the baby.
"I thought she'd be too young." Max said looking from Lexi to Kyle, "But if she felt the baby..."
"Then Isabel sure as hell did too." Kyle finished, wondering why his wife hadn't shared this information with him last night.
"Isabel?" Michael asked furrowing his brow, "Isabel knows too?" He looked between Max and Kyle, "Does someone want to tell me how my sister and my niece knew about ...m-my child, before I did?"
"It's a chick thing." Kyle said plainly, "Apparently the women of your... species... are more in tune with their bodies and that of other women, like them. Liz being changed, Isabel must have sensed the baby the second we walked in the door yesterday." Kyle sighed, "It stands to reason anyway. Liz knew Isabel was pregnant with Lexi before Max or I did."
"We thought that Lexi might be too young," Max added, "Or that her senses might be muted being only half alien, but..."
"Apparently not." Michael finished giving his niece a gentle squeeze, "But I'm the father... How is it I didn't know?"
"Well from my experience," Kyle explained, "The most in tune we men get with our bodies, is getting the perfect pitch on a fart." Lexi giggled hysterically at her father, but he kept going, "So being in tune with our respective mate's body is even less likely. If Lexi's right, and the baby is small, you'd have to actively look for it, at least this early on. Later, as the baby grows, you'll be able to feel the same thing Lexi and Isabel do. You'll be able to connect with him or her, like Liz, at around four months."
Michael absorbed the information, but it only created more questions, "I still don't understand how Isabel and Lexi can connect with the baby..."
"They can't connect with it." Max corrected, momentarily pushing aside his shattered heart to inform his brother about what was going on between the three women, "Only Liz can do that. What Isabel and Lexi feel, at least at this point, is it's essence..." Max taxed his brain for a better explanation, "Kinda like feeling another presence in the room, but not being able to see it."
Michael nodded his understanding, then looked at Lexi, "But how do you know the baby loves me?"
"Baby hear you voice, Grumpy." Lexi provided, "Know you wuv Auntie and dat you voice is daddy voice. Dat's why you no cuss."
Michael let out a shaky breath and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, that he'd been keeping at bay. He wasn't sure he should be happy, not entirely sure how Liz felt about their new development, but he could help the elation that filled his heart. Since Liz had walked back into his life, Michael, a man with seemingly very few labels, artist, business owner, alien, loner, had suddenly possessed so many more. Friend, lover, boyfriend... She'd helped him realize he was indeed a son complete with two doting parents and now she was giving him the title of father... creator of life. Jesus, that was humbling. The benefits of loving Liz and having her love in return was staggering.
"Well, I guess we know what Grumpy's getting for Christmas." Kyle mused, realizing Liz must have been waiting to give Michael the ultimate gift, a new life.
Michael might have been inclined to agree, but he needed to be sure Liz was okay with their new development. She had plans and dreams still yet to achieve. As thrilled as he was at the prospect of becoming a parent, a feeling he didn't realize he possessed, a baby would throw a major bump into those plans. She'd have to miss out on school, something she'd just gotten back into. She'd once again have to put off her dreams to care for their child. Would she resent him, if things would be irrevocably changed? How could they not be?
He was torn away from his thoughts when Lexi let go of his neck and stepped back sniffling. She buried her face in her hands and her little shoulders shook. She was crying. Kyle saw it too and slid down from the bench to his daughter's side.
"Alexis?" Kyle asked gently, "What's wrong?"
Lexi brought her hands down from her face, her tears streaming down her cheeks and her face contorted in near agony. She opened her eyes to gaze upon Michael's worried face and a sob escaped her lips, followed by another until it was uncontrollable. She turned around, launching herself into Kyle's arms and weeping convulsively.
Kyle rubbed her back trying to soothe the mysterious pain that weighed on his tiny daughter's heart, "Shhhh... Lexi...honey what's wrong...tell us..."
Lexi took her face away from her father's shoulder and turned so she stood sideways between Michael and Kyle, he breath uneven and coming out in sobs, "I-I..n-not know b-baby w-was... secret, Daddy. N-Nobody t-told m-me." she looked over at Michael, new tears following the track of the old ones, "I r-ruin y-you p-present from Auntie. I n-not know."
Michael smiled at Lexi, wiping away her tears, immediately forgetting any of his own worries about what the baby meant for he and Liz, focusing on consoling the tearful toddler. He wrapped his arms around her, willing her little body to stop trembling with her tears.
"Hey," He whispered into her hair, "Its okay Lexi. You didn't ruin anything. You didn't know it was a surprise." He pulled her off his neck and held her shoulders, "I bet Auntie didn't even know you could feel the baby."
Lexi sniffled loudly, her breathing slowing down, with Michael's words of comfort, "But I spoil it, Grumpy. Auntie be sooo mad..."
"Auntie could never be mad at you, Lexi. She loves you so much, I don't think she knows how to be mad at you." Max reassured her, earning a grateful glance from both Michael and Kyle. They knew Liz's pregnancy would be the final devastating blow to Max's ego and for the moment he'd put it aside for the sake of his niece.
Michael pushed himself off the ground taking a moment to get his bearings. Kyle dare not ask Michael about the myriad of emotions that danced on his friend's face. Asking him to pick one would be too much. Kyle picked his daughter up off the ground and watch Michael run a large hand over his face and through his hair.
"I gotta find Liz." Michael finally said. He wasn't going to get any answers standing in the park and the nagging questions had only one source of enlightenment, Liz.
He began to stride off, unsure of his direction, but focused on his goal, when he felt an arm reach out stopping him. He turned and saw Max, pain in his eyes, but not anger. Why was he stopping him?
"Max...I know this hurts, but I need to find her..." Michael sighed.
"I'm not stopping you, Michael." Max looked at his hand gripping Michael's forearm, "Well, okay I am, but not for the reason you think." When Michael nodded, asking him to continue, Max released his brother's arm and sighed, "You don't know where Liz is right now..."
"Max, I know this town like I know every curve on Liz's... like the back of my hand. I can find her." Michael interrupted.
"I know that, Michael, but its clear to me you need to gather your thoughts. And you can't just bum rush Liz with all your questions. Believe me I know." Max explained, "Let's just go back to Ulysses and wait for them to come back. Calm down a bit."
Kyle's jaw nearly hit the ground, "I know a baby changes your life, Max, but it's usually the parents of the child that experience the change."
"Yeah, well this child is bit different isn't it?" Max pointed out. Kyle couldn't help but agree with Max and for the first time since they'd arrived in New Orleans, actually held out hope for his brother-in -law, that he'd make it out of town with his broken soul still, somewhat, intact.
Michael took in Max's words and found the logic in them. If he found Liz now, he would be in danger of causing a scene, stumbling over questions and wrestling with the emotions that he could feel coursing through his body. He was certain Liz hadn't wanted the knowledge of her...their, pregnancy come out this way. He felt himself nodding his head at Max then looked over at Kyle, the two men sharing a smirk.
"What?" Max asked as the foursome made their way back to the bar.
Michael waved his hand at Kyle, deferring to his friend on this particular point. Kyle slapped Max on the back, "You do realize the irony of you doling out good advice on giving Liz space don't you?"
Max stopped in his tracks staring blankly ahead at the trio. Kyle's words striking a nerve he hadn't counted on. How many times had Kyle, Isabel or Michael, hell even Liz used the word "suffocating" to describe his love for her? Max didn't ask for an epiphany for Christmas, but it seems they were coming at him in spades.
~*~
Miriam, Sweet, Liz and Isabel stopped in at Sweet's favorite café for lunch. Sweet and Miriam stole away for a moment to chat with the owner, giving Liz and Isabel their first real moment alone since Mrs. James arrival into New Orleans.
Isabel didn't press Liz when she joined them earlier, knowing from the tear tracks on her face that her talk with Max had been far from successful. And while Isabel was curious as to what was said, or done, she had something far more pressing to discuss with Liz.
Isabel looked over at Liz, her lips hovering over her glass of lemonade, "So, I'm guessing there's a reason you haven't told Michael about the baby yet." she said casually before taking a sip from her glass.
Liz's eyes widened slightly, and then her shoulders slumped, "I shoulda known you had that sixth sense too." she sighed.
"Haley Joel Osmet can see dead people. We, of the female alien persuasion, see babies. Personally I'm grateful." Isabel chuckled and then placed a hand over Liz's, "Seriously. Why haven't you told Michael?"
Liz quirked an eyebrow at her sister-in-in law, "You're so sure he doesn't know?"
Isabel rolled her eyes, "Please. I know my brother, even five years separated. If he knew about the baby he wouldn't be able to contain himself. Glee is not an emotion I've even seen that boy show...ever, and he would...will, when he finds out. At the moment, he's clueless. Its endearing, but doesn't suit him for long. Now tell me why, pronto."
Liz chuckled at Isbael, "And you wonder where Lexi gets her bossy streak?"
Isabel narrowed her eyes at Liz, "Don't change the subject." her face softened a bit, "Do you want the baby?"
Liz brought her hand to her heart and tears filled her eyes instantly, "Of course I do, Isabel. I mean...Michael and I weren't exactly planning on it, but..." she couldn't contain her smile, "... I just wanted to wait for Christmas is all. I want Michael to know I'm happy about it. That it's a gift, because I know how worried he'll be."
Isabel rolled her eyes, "Worried, is an understatement dear sister" she let out a small laugh, "And here we all thought you just never wanted kids."
Liz's smile dropped, "Is that what everyone thinks?" she asked insistently, "Max said the same thing to me today when we... talked."
Isabel put her drink down, "Well, Liz, you said it yourself, you didn't plan this and you made it pretty clear you didn't want to have kids..."
"With him, Isabel." Liz clarified, "I didn't want to have kids with Max. At least not amongst the rubble that was our marriage. Or to replace the son he'd given up. I never said I didn't want kids."
"Oh," Isabel bit at her bottom lips, "Does Michael know this?"
"I assumed..." Liz stammered, "But then again, we never really discussed it. I knew that Michael would love to have kids, but he's never put any pressure on me to give him a timeline. He..."
"He's too busy making sure you live your dreams." Isabel finished with a nod, "I take it back, worried is a woefully inadequate word. Frantic might better describe his reaction."
Liz put her head in her hands, "You know, I wasn't worried about his reaction until just now. Maybe I should just tell him tonight when we're alone, instead of tomorrow morning."
"I'm sorry, Liz." Isabel said rubbing the worried girl's back, "But yeah maybe you should. I'm sure once you explain that you're happy about the baby, Michael will relax... then completely explode with excitement. You are happy about this right?"
Liz took her face out of her hands, a large smile and tears of joy shimmering in her eyes, "How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant with Lexi?"
"Scared..." Isabel said wistfully, "But so happy."
Liz nodded, "Me too. I mean I admit to initially feeling that fear, but I just...don't know how to put it in words..."
Isabel leaned over and hugged her sister, "I know exactly what you mean." Her own tears spilled onto Liz's shoulder. When she pulled back she wiped her eyes, "Michael is going to be a father... its utterly God damn perfect."
"I know." Liz said, unable to contain her pride.
"Assuming my other brother removes his head from his ass long enough to sign those divorce papers, is Michael going to make an honest woman out of you?" Isabel asked, in an almost parental tone.
"Oh, I just know that's what my dad is gonna sound like when I tell him" Liz sighed nervously, "But I don't think so, Is. I mean I don't need Michael to marry me to live honestly. Do you understand?"
"Marriage to Max really jaded you that much?" Isabel asked directly.
Liz stiffened a bit at Isabel's suggestion, "I won't lie, that it has something to do with it. That's my baggage. Michael's all for getting married and he doesn't even know about the baby, I just feel like I don't know... we're beyond that. That doesn't mean I think less of anyone who is married..."
"Kyle and I appreciate it." Isabel winked at her, "But I understand. Free thinkers. Bit of the bohemian. Goes with the artist lifestyle."
"Is..." Liz whined.
Isabel smirked, patted Liz's hand. She knew exactly what Liz was saying, but couldn't help, but tease her friend, just a little."Now, how have you managed to hide it from him?" She asked changing the subject. "I mean, Michael doesn't notice every little thing, but..."
"Well," Liz straightened up, "Thankfully the morning sickness hasn't started yet...Don't think I could just pass that off as the flu."
Isabel's face sunk, "Give it another month."
"I remember." Liz said mournfully, remembering the days when she would take care of Isabel while Kyle was at work. The third month of the alien woman's pregnancy had consisted of endless trips to the bathroom, but after the month had ended, Isabel had been fine. They figured it was a phase of her half alien pregnancy that her human body needed to experience in order to adjust to the new onslaught of hormones Lexi had provided her with.
"As for the other stuff, " Liz continued, "Unless he was actively looking for the baby, Michael can't feel it yet. I've been drinking my orange juice and taking my vitamins, but that's not unusual, Michael sees me doing that all the time. Even got him to start taking them."
"Now that's a miracle. He never saw the point in them if we never got sick." Isabel said, remembering all the times she'd leave him a bottle of vitamins at his apartment or in his room, only to find them in his wastebasket the next day.
Liz let out a chuckle, "Well, contrary to your superhuman status, age will catch up with you three just like the rest of us and Michael was finding that out the hard way, so I slipped him a multivitamin one morning and he had never had a more productive day."
"But of course he never admitted that to you." Isabel chuckled.
Liz shook her head, "Of course not. Michael has evolved over the past years, Is, but he's still Michael. Admitting he was wrong, never comes easy. Instead he just silently takes what I leave out for him in the morning and glares at me."
"And there are many facets to the Guerin glare." Isabel laughed.
"Don't I know it." Liz feigned exhaustion, "Oh and just a warning, ginseng... like alien Viagra."
Isabel's eyes widened, "Warning? Dammit Liz you've been holding out on me." she snickered, "Find that out the hard way did you?"
"Ugh! Isabel!" Liz rolled her eyes, "You are starting to adopt your husband's sense of humor. Its all downhill from here."
"I've accepted it and am adapting."Isabel said in mock haughtiness, and then furrowed her brow, "What about coffee? I mean if I remember anything from when you and Michael were still living with us, it was that you two would have had the coffee intravenously if you could..."
"Ahhh..." Liz raised an eyebrow and sat up studiously, "That has been a particularly fun experiment."
"Ever the scientist." Isabel shook her head.
"I switched us to decaf when I found out I was pregnant. Michael hasn't noticed at all." she said proudly, "Thus proving that he doesn't need coffee to wake up in the morning. Is all in his head, a crutch."
"Might want to keep that information to yourself, Liz. Michael finds out you've been messing with his coffee and there will be hell to pay."
Liz laughed, "I said it was a crutch, Isabel. Mine. I'm not stupid."
"I don't know why I didn't see how perfect you were for him sooner." Isabel observed with amusement.
Liz's face fell a bit, " But I wasn't perfect for Michael, Is. At least not back then. But now..."
"Now is all that matters." Isabel supplied with a genuine smile, biting her lip, "I didn't ask you about Max earlier... but... I mean, did you tell him about the baby?"
Liz shook her head, clenching her fist a bit at the memory of Max's insistence that they could rebuild their marriage. It had been so very tempting to scream it from the rooftops that she could never go back with him because she was carrying his brother's child. It had been part of the reason she left the apartment. It would have been information given in spite. And she was not about to use her baby that way.
"Why?" Isabel asked a little shocked, "If anything was going to get Max to finally let go, it would be knowing that you were having a baby with Michael."
Isabel grimaced, "Point taken. But I still think, at least after you talk to Michael tonight, that you should tell Max."
"I will." Liz agreed, "I just didn't want this baby to be the reason he finally lets go, Is. Max needs to come to that on his own. I told him that I have to stop being his world, he stopped being mine a long time ago. Now I'm afraid he'll just blame Michael... and this baby."
Isabel squeezed Liz's hand, "That's Max's cross to bear Liz. Your job now is to take it easy. That baby is feeling everything you are, remember?"
Liz gave a small smile, "I know, Is. From now on I'll just concentrate on how I'm going to con Michael into changing at least half of the diapers."
Isabel laughed and then saw Sweet and Miriam making their way back to the table, "Liz if you accomplish that...I'm nominating you for God. 'Bout time we had a woman in that office don't ya think?"
~*~
The hours ticked by in the bar and the silence was deafening. When they all returned from the park Kyle put Lexi down for a much needed nap up in the apartment, while Michael and Max remained downstairs in the bar, separately ruminating on the new life altering course their lives had taken.
Max sat on the stage his head hung low, deep in concentration. The emotional turmoil he'd been through in the past two days were catching up to him, and this latest development blew things wide open. Every sage bit of advice or harsh reality was now set before his eyes and the blinders were being ripped off. Every hold he thought he had on Liz had slipped through his fingers.
Max had initially let himself believe that despite meeting on Michael's turf, New Orleans, and that Liz shared ,at the very least a sexual, relationship with Michael, that his marriage to her, their vows would be his trump card so to speak. He'd hoped that any time spent with his wife would remind that they'd promised for better or worse, that at one time they'd made a promise to love each other no matter what, with their "family" as witnesses. That Michael couldn't deny that tie between he and Liz, and would back away out of respect.
But all of that came crashing down with little Lexi's information. What is they say?From the mouths of babes... Comes what? Devastation? Wisdom? Honesty? Or all of those things? Max's heart had spiraled into a new pain that he didn't know was possible. Liz was having a baby, with Michael. They created a life together. A little being that was half of her and half of Michael. Someone who would carry Michael's name, not his. He could never hope to compete with that.
Max began to wonder if Liz felt half the pain he did now, when he'd told her about Tess. About their son. That he had gone to another woman, her rival and engaged in a sexual dalliance that led to the conception of his son. As much as Max regretted that it was Tess he'd had his child with, he'd never regret Zan. And he found that as much as he hated Tess for things she'd done to conceive Zan, he was irrevocably bonded to her, through their mutual parentage.
Liz had said she'd gotten over Tess a long time ago, but Max never truly had. Maybe he'd overcompensated in trying to make amends with Liz. Tried to make things perfect, despite their lives on the run. But it was his idea of perfect and somehow it had led him to here, New Orleans, his wife in love with another man, his brother and now, irrevocably bonded to Michael with the conception of their child.
Max shook his head. Liz was right. He didn't listen. A lot. And it cost him everything. Liz never said she didn't want children. She just didn't want them with him.
Epiphanies. Max always thought they came with some sort of grand sense of enlightenment. That once he had one or even a few, that he would feel better, more whole. These series of home truths offered him no such comfort nor did they give him a soft landing as he realized the bottom had been struck and even the shell of who he thought he was had been shattered on impact.
Where was he to go from here? How does one simply let go of the love of his life? His anchor? His world, and learn how to breathe, feel, trust again? He didn't have answers to any of those questions and he felt more lost than when he'd arrived. Liz had been his compass and now he felt stranded. Letting go of Liz was supposed to provide clarity wasn't it?
Max still had a lot of soul searching to do and with half of his soul gone he knew that would not be an easy task. There would be no easy answers and he, for the time being, had to alone. It seemed that the various members of his "family" had taken journeys to self discovery and come out better for it. Maybe it was time for him to take a similar journey.
Michael sat quietly, in apparent introspection, at one of the tables staring down at the black lacquered surface and drawing invisible sketches with his fingers. The stillness in his figure, belying the near deafening noise in his head.
Why hadn't Liz told him? Could it be like Kyle said? She was waiting for Christmas? It couldn't be that simple could it. Granted, simplicity was an ongoing theme in his relationship with Liz, but a baby...well that could complicate things. Wonderfully complicated.
Was she worried about his reaction, or was she still trying to come to terms with it herself? Did carrying this baby change how she felt about having children or was she angry with him and herself for being careless enough to let this happen?
And when the hell did it happen? The were always careful, kept protection everywhere. Hell, he had to locate all the stray condoms before their guests came, because he did not want not Lexi to find Unca's water balloon stashes. He'd always been so stringent when it came to birth control, not wanting anything to impede on Liz's dreams. And now one forgotten moment of passion threatened those dreams. Was he any better than Max, tying her down with a child? Would she see a difference?
Liz's dreams. School. How would the baby effect her schedule? Would she have to drop out? If she missed out, would she want to continue? How far back would it set her? If he offered to take full charge of the baby would that ease her at all?
Take full charge? What the fuck did he know about babies? They were so... tiny. He'd fucking hatched and that qualified him for what? Toddler. He'd been a toddler, not helpless...Not as helpless. A baby. A baby couldn't run from fists or a belt. He'd run, he'd hidden, wasn't enough, and now? Now he was going to be a father? An alien father, a freak.
He'd been a paycheck, a punching bag, bus boy. Nothing that qualified him. Jesus, with Hank as a role model, no wonder Liz hadn't told him. Liz. Was she afraid? Afraid of him, what he'd be like? That he wouldn't be able to handle it? No, he had Sweet. Sweet had taught him what a father could be like...but Sweet hadn't raised him. Hank had. He didn't want to be Hank. He never wanted to be Hank.
"Grumpy okay?" Lexi asked in a soft whisper, her thumb rubbing the rough denim on his knee.
He felt his shoulders sag a bit. His niece trusted him. He could see the love in her eyes, wide and clear. Had felt it last night. Her little body snuggled against him, her fingers wrapped in a lock of his hair. She hadn't let go, didn't want to let go. God, but she was so tiny. How could she love him, trust him? He was big, clumsy, a product of Hank.
"No worry. You be good daddy." she whispered.
His throat closed tight, as she frowned up at him, "Shouldn't you be asleep, Lex?"
Lexi shook her head, "Can't sleep if you scared, Grumpy."
He consciously unclenched his jaw to smile down at Lexi. She was the perfect blend: Isabel's elegance and Kyle's humor. But beautifully innocent...carefree. What would his child look like? Molasses hair? Amber eyes? Darker? Lighter? What if she was petite like her mother, curiosity and intelligence bubbling out? What was he gong to do when she started dating!? It could be a boy. A boy with his height, his eyes, but without the pain. No child of his would ever have the pain.
Guaranteed, boy or girl, that kid would be stubborn. Really stubborn. Genetically predispositioned, Liz would say. If the baby was a girl, he'd be strong, wouldn't give in, hold tough against pleading eyes. He had months to build up a wall...why didn't seem long enough? Maybe because he hadn't resisted Lexi and Liz yet. It could be a boy though. If the baby was a boy that stubbornness could lead to vio...He clenched his jaw again. Not violence, never violence. His son would not turn out like Hank. He hadn't turned out like Hank. .
Michael focused again on Lexi. He took a deep breath in. What if the baby had powers? Air caught in his lungs, choking. Lexi had powers, what if the baby got his. Would a tantrum blow up lights, melt toasters? Would they follow the course of his: erratic, unstable? His chest tightened, bore down on the oxygen within. Would it be a freak like him? An oddity, a screw-up, a danger? God, what if he hurt his own child?
He was a fuck-up, a freak. Hadn't Hank told him so? Hadn't Max? What if this pregnancy hurt Liz? What if he killed the very woman who'd made him whole? She was so petite, small. Isabel had been fine, but Liz...Liz was a human carrying an alien child, a possible death sentence. All because he'd screwed-up again. Literally. He couldn't lose her. Not like this. Why had he been so careless?
His lungs burned, heavy pulse pounding in his ears. He could barely feel the little hand anxiously patting his knee, trying to soothe away the fear, the worry. Liz could be in danger, the baby could be in danger. He focused his strained eyes over Lexi's shoulder towards the door. He couldn't look at her. A living example of a child he might never see, all because he was fucked up Michael Guerin. Freak. Possible Father. Total failure. No wonder Liz hadn't told him. How could she even bear to look at him? To be with hi-
"Hi, we're back." Her voice slid through the room, wrapped around his mind. Soothing, peaceful. Liz. His throat chose that moment to unclog, and he exhaled. One long breath, gone.
~*~
A moment before she'd step back into the bar with Isabel, Miriam and Sweet in tow, Liz had been laughing along with the group as Sweet recounted his first meeting with Michael to Isabel. She remembered the first time she'd heard the story and the omnipresent smirk on Michael's face. Glares and smirks, both had many meanings in Michael's world.
Isabel shook her head, "A Scotch Bonnet...child's play..." She laughed.
"Yeah, to those of not a little green around the gills, darlin." Miriam chuckled.
Liz pushed open the bars doors wiping her eyes with laughter, "Hi. We're back." she called out.
She scanned the room quickly, immediately seeking out Michael and found him seated at one of the tables, Lexi patting him on the leg gently. His head had shot up and for a moment he looked panicked, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Then with one great breath, he stilled. His breathing slowed and his body relaxed, his eyes locked with her own. She nearly shivered, not from what was in his eyes, but for what wasn't. She couldn't read him.
Sensing something was wrong by the quiet that had she had come upon in the bar, Liz approached Michael, seeing that he seemed to be the source of whatever tension had filled that room. It hadn't been Kyle standing at the bar, or Max sitting up on the stage, or even Lexi seemingly perched by her Uncle Grumpy in watch.
"You guys didn't have a wild time without us did you?" she asked with a nervous laugh, hoping to belie the fear she felt in not being able to read Michael's countenance.
His normally expressive pools of amber were wide, not meeting her own, but focused on something...on her, as she continued her slow journey towards her seated beau. He seemed frozen in place his eyes locked on... what was he looking at?
Liz looked down at herself, looking for any sort of glaring stain she'd managed to miss from lunch and found nothing. She then caught the slight swell of her own breasts and shook her head. He goes one night without and his thoughts immediately go...
Liz's breath caught when she realized the closer she got the more focused Michael's eyes became, fixed on their position. He wasn't staring at her breasts, but her... She brought up an unconscious hand to her abdomen and watched Michael finally blink. He couldn't know could he?
She stopped a mere inches from his seated frame, his eyes had never left her stomach. She brought the hand that had been resting there up to Michael's shoulder and slid it into his hair, silently asking him to look up at her, but was met with resistence.
"Michael?" she whispered softly, "What's wr..."
Liz didn't get to finish her thought as one of Michael's hand came up from its place in his lap and lifted her shirt slightly, away from her tummy and he lay his palm on the still flat expanse. Oh God. He did know. But how?
She felt a slight warmth on her belly and she watched as the father of her child try to connect with their baby. It was still too small to hold anything with it's daddy, but Liz saw a slight smile tug at the corners of Michael's mouth as he continued to keep his gaze on her tummy.. Had he felt something? Perhaps the baby's love for him? The trust it already had? Or had Michael simply felt her own feelings projected?
"Michael..." Liz said softly, gaining his attention.
Michael's smile disappeared and he shifted his gaze lower, to her feet. It was as if he was afraid to look at her. Afraid to show her how he felt. Or maybe he was, as Isabel had theorized, frantic, but unwilling to show her how much.
Liz felt his fingers rubbing small circles on her stomach and she wondered whom Michael was trying to soothe, himself or their baby. She tipped his head up to meet hers and found his eyes shut tightly.
"Michael... please..." she pleaded.
Michael, keeping his hand firmly in place on Liz's belly, rose from his seat, finally opening his eyes when he'd reached his full height and stared down at her. Liz almost let out a breath of relief at the first emotion she saw passing through his eyes. Wonder. Awe. Humility.
"Are you...?" he finally managed to speak, his voice graveled with emotion.
"Yes." Liz nodded, "But how did you...?"
"Lexi knew." Michael answered.
Liz glanced down at her niece, who like Michael only moments earlier stared down at her feet, almost as if in shame. "Lexi? But..."
"Early power development." Michael supplied.
Liz's eyes widened, "How is that we didn't know she..."
"Off the subject, Liz." Michael interrupted, his voice softened causing her to return to his intense gaze, "So you're really..."
"Again." Liz answered with a slight smile, as she placed her hand over Michael's on her stomach, "Yes I am."
"But when?" he scratched an eyebrow with his fee hand, "We're always so caref..."
"Memphis." Liz provided, raising an amused eyebrow at him.
She watched his brow furrow in confusion and it was almost as if she could read his very thoughts with every twitched muscle in his face and the scratching of his eyebrow as though he were trying to work out the ultimate mystery.. Memphis? But he was in Memphis...His eyes grew wide. But when he got back... that night on the couch…
Liz fought back her laughter as Michael's face transformed. His finger stopped scratching, his brow relaxed and his lips, once drawn tight against his teeth, formed an "Oh" with realization. An impish smirk crept over his face at the memory that night brought back. Guess that answered that question, but she knew there were many more to come as she watched his smirk fall and was replaced once again with worry.
"School?" he asked urgently.
"Can wait."
"But its your dream..." he argued.
"Still is."
"But..."
"It can wait, Michael." she insisted, willing him to see that she far from regretted or resented this new development. "I won't give that up. Promise."
"When is it due? How far along..."
"August. I'm five weeks."
"Are you okay? I mean we don't know..."
""I'm fine, Michael." she answered, feeling the panic for her health and safety, as well as the baby's, coming off of him in waves.
"Yeah now, but we don't know what carrying this baby to full..."
Liz took his face in her hands, "I'm...We... are going to be fine."
"How can you be su..."
"I just am. Please believe me."
Michael nodded reluctantly, and she saw tears well in his eyes. He took his gaze away from her for a moment, to blink them away, only then realizing that throughout their entire exchange they'd had the captivated audience of their family around them. He looked back down at his hand, it large expanse covering her tiny tummy and brought his eyes back up to hers.
"Me?"
Liz let out a shaky breath. Michael's final fear. He wanted to hear from her why she wanted to have a baby with him. Seems Max wasn't the only one who still saw Michael as the damaged child. Michael had grown up so much over the years, but his forced instinct from being raised in an abusive home, still lingered. His eyes begged the question, "Why with a freak like me?"
"Daddy." Liz said simply and sweetly.
She knew with that simple word she managed to convey to him her confidence in his ability to be a good father. That she didn't see him as damaged goods, incapable of caring for their child. She didn't have a doubt in her mind that the man standing before he was going to love this child more than anything in the world, because he already did. She didn't resent or even regret the baby. She embraced it with wide open arms, as well as him.
"You're sure about this?" Michael asked, giving her one last chance to yell, scream, blame him for ruining her plans and dreams, but saw none of that in her eyes. Pride. She was fucking proud of him.
"Absolutely sure." Liz answered insistently.
Not needing to be told a third time Michael scooped her up in his arms, squeezing her gentle, mindful of her delicate condition. He buried his face in her hair, shaken with relief, but unwilling to show it so openly in that so public a moment.
Isabel, who held no such notion, let her tears of happiness flow freely. She watched Kyle make his way from behind the bar and pick their daughter up and away from the new parents.
"Well aren't you full of surprises." she said cupping Lexi's face in her hands. Lexi nodded with a slight smile, once she was sure she wasn't in trouble with her mommy for giving away the secret she didn't know she should have kept..
Isabel felt a hand grip her shoulder gently and she turned to face Sweet, Miriam clutched to his side, evident tears shining in their eyes.
"I'm goin' be a grandpa?" Sweet asked the tall blonde, his eyes focused on Michael and Liz, still locked in their embrace.
Isabel nodded at the old man, saw Miriam bury her face in her husband's neck, stifling the sob that escaped her lips. Sweet patted his wife's back.
"Shhh. Mir, why are you crying, Love?" He chuckled, "You think you're too young to be a granny?"
Miriam smacked her Sweet's chest lightly as she looked at him wiping her eyes, "No, you old fool. Because Michael's the only one who could make me look forward to bein' one."
~*~
With Christmas coming in the morning, Miriam and Sweet decided to head home early, with promise to return the next day, intent on seeing what Santa had brought Lexi, certain the jolly old elf would have so much stuff to bring her, he might just have to leave some of it at their house. A notion Lexi found very appealing.
Max had been quiet throughout the evening, sticking to the corners and shadows of the room, unsure of his place in the family anymore. His heart breaking for a himself and soaring for his brother, with every touch that Michael made to Liz's stomach and their child. He was grateful for the early departure and looked forward to getting back to his room at Miriam and Sweet's for some solitary reflection on his conflicting emotions.
Michael and Liz made their way to their bedroom when Liz felt a tug on her shirt. She looked down finding Lexi staring up at her with guilty eyes, biting her lower lip. Liz waved Michael into the bedroom and knelt down to her niece's level.
"I'm sorry angel girl, but Grumpy and I have a lot of things to talk about and we can't have you sleeping with us tonight. But I promise you can get us up early so we can check out your Santa stash."
Lexi shook her head, with a slight smile at the mention of Santa, "I know, Auntie. Dat not what I want." She cast her eyes down to the floor and spoke very softly, "You mad at me?"
Liz's eyes widened, wondering how she could have ever given Lexi the impression she was angry with her, "No Alexis. Why would I be mad at you?" She tipped the little girl's face up to her and found tears tracking down Lexi's cheeks.
"I... I ruin Grumpy's present." she sniffled.
Liz let out a breath and a small giggle wrapping her arms around the little girl and held her out wiping away her tears. "You didn't ruin anything, Sweetheart. I'm actually kinda glad he found out from you."
"Weally?" Lexi asked, highly skeptical.
"Really." Liz nodded and then laughed, "I bet his eyes were as big as saucers when you told him."
Lexi wiped her nose with the back of her hand and laughed along with her aunt, "Big as plates too, Auntie."
"Tell you what," Liz said leaning in to whisper conspiratorially with Lexi, "I've got another Christmas surprise for Grumpy that you can help me with tomorrow. That okay?"
Lexi clapped her hands together, unable to contain her excitement. "I Santa helper?" she nearly squealed.
Liz nodded and kissed her niece's forehead, patting her little behind back to Kyle and Isabel's room. Liz looked up to she Kyle ushering his hyper daughter into their bedroom.
"Like it wasn't gonna take us forever to get her to sleep on Christmas Eve as it was?" he said dryly, hearing his daughter chanting her new title of Santa's Helper to the tune of "Jingle Bells". "You are soooo lucky you are with child, Liz or I'd..." he tried to finished with a mock threat.
"You'd what, Kyle?" Liz challenged, "Make me read Buddha for Beginners... again? Actually do you have a spare copy? I might need help getting to sleep tonight?"
Kyle growled and made a move to advance on her but she disappeared into her room and the protection of a long-haired alien papa, "Wussy!" he called out before joining Isabel in trying to tame their excited two-year-old.
"You know, the more you tease him about Buddha , the more he spouts out the fat man's wisdom." Michael warned Liz from his place on the bed, as she began to get undressed for bed, still giggling at Kyle's face. "And according to Lexi, 'Baby hear everything'. Our kid's gonna think their name is Buddha and their first words will be 'enlightenment' or 'shakra'.
"You make an excellent point." she agreed crawling into bed next to him, leaning over him on her elbow, as he stared up at the ceiling. She dropped a kiss on his lips, laughing as he brushed her long dark hair from his face. "Either that or they'll think their name is Brian Urlacher and their fist word will be, 'interception' or 'touchdown'."
Michael laughed heartily recalling the numerous football games he used to watch with his Buddhist buddy, "Better yet, 'Buddha says that the path to enlightenment will come if you just get this first down!'"
Liz laughed, laying back against her pillows, taking Michael with her. Her laughter subsided and she watched him with warmth in her heart as his hand caressed the area of her tummy, just below her belly button, where the baby resided safely. He placed a gentle kiss on the area before resting his head on it, letting Liz run her hands through his hair.
She let out a deep breath, watching the back of Michael's head rise and fall with the movement. "About school." she finally broke the silence, "I'm really not worried. I can finish out this year. The baby won't be born until August, so I can take the fall semester off. If I can tear myself away from the baby, I'll go back after that."
When she was met with silence, and stillness she shrugged her shoulders, "I'm not sure how it'll work with you running the bar, but maybe Miriam or Sweet could watch the baby until I get home from classes or Sweet could open the bar. What do you think?"
Liz was once again met with silence, but this time she felt a warm wetness dropping onto her tummy, where Michael's head rested. His shoulders began to tremor ever so slightly and she realized he was crying. He was letting out the tears of relief and joy he wouldn't show in front of everyone else, only feeling safe enough to let himself go with Liz, his cheek pressed her belly, his child nestled warmly inside her.
Liz didn't dare stop him or bring attention to it. She knew Michael held some deep seeded fears, some implanted, by his alienness, some by Hank, and some she was sure he'd thought up on his own. Those fears would never completely disappear, but for the moment she knew the tears that soaked into her skin were happy ones. Humble ones. Fatherly.
"Merry Christmas, Daddy." she whispered, holding Michael close as his tears turned into sobs.
~*~
TBC…