Ain't talkin bout love
By. C. Mechayoshi
Chapter 1: Dark Times
I came up with this title less than a month before Eddie Van Halen passed. RIP. Then it sat on the back burner forever. No, not from that tragedy mostly, rather I had other projects. Now, I'm on it again. The first part is heavy because that was the 2020 part. A chapter or two in it gets lighter and moves faster. That's what I've written up recently. I didn't want this ideal to die, so here we go!
The Mushroom Kingdom's capital of Toad Town was blanketed on this day in somber grey. Dull black cannon balls flew diagonally, laterally, and vertically across the streets, a metallic thud following every structure they tore a hole into. Heavy smoke from the enemy artillery and mushroom homes ablaze cut off one block to another. The confusion rivaled despair for the few citizens left in the open and uncaptured. "Geronimo!" roared a koopa troopa in passing Iggy Koopa, a koopaling general of Bowser's royal league. The young adult paraded the streets with his homemade gadgets, 'death machines' featuring flame throwers, remote controlled javelins, and mini bullet blasters. He was overloaded with weapons this time, more than he could carry to be exact. So many he was sorta late to the fight actually, but the genius had his bases covered. Strategically letting other Koopa Troop pave destruction ahead, he'd ensure no enemy was overlooked closer to the middle and rear. Distanced from the fray he was less likely to 'screw' himself over due to some unforeseeable, dare he consider 'zany' situation. However, despite himself and his strenuous planning, he found a way…
"Help!" Iggy squeaked. He frantically wiggled with all his might. Not even a mile into the Toad Town borders, he unexpectedly encountered enemies willing to fight back. His inventions gossiped about badly, short circuited by water bottles, squashed, and thrown into a neighborhood basketball hoop for a three pointer, in that exact order, he was defenseless against koopa Mushroomite traitors. There was nothing more embarrassing than losing to koopas that were not allegenced to King Bowser! They stuffed him into his last surviving and biggest cannon, laughing all the while until Roy and Morton came around to chase them, the brothers conveniently forgetting to free Iggy restrained in the middle of the street. Now he was smack in the middle of the battle whether he wanted to be or not. A dazzling gold ring among others rolled down the residential street, crashing into the little flame-weakened homes and that basketball hoop too. Toads that were hiding until then spilled into the streets frantically, some stumbling some scorched by the fire. But enough about their suffering.. As long as Iggy had been doing this invasion thing no formula he had come up with could explain why toad Mushroomites often chose to sit still, often literally, until a savior came by. Unlike koopa rebel punks and mustached freaks aligned with the Princess, they were consistently pacifist. Iggy ceased his squirming to catch his breath. Now he knew why they didn't fight, didn't try. It was futile. Like it was for him.
He reluctantly broke out of those thoughts when he felt his hair rise on the back of his neck. It was 'her' strutting past the cannon. Wendy's sky blue eyes met his and frosted over in malice. If an airhorn didn't go off signaling forward movement from the most rear forces, he wasn't sure what she might do to him. He heard and felt the distinctive thud of a monty mole tank destroying something close, not more than a block away. Now this went beyond a prank. If he was left behind he might have to deal with their number one 'plumber' enemies alone. He shuddered at the thought.
"Anyone! Help! Heeeeelp!"
As the city continued to melt around him, some light appeared on the horizon, and not from muzzle flashes for once... His older brothers Ludwig and Lemmy marched with a group of elite koopas, an experimental and very recent tactic of Ludwig to secure the back end of King Bowser's assault. Ludwig paused, cupping his scarlet cape over his snout to filter out the heavy clouded air, and gave Iggy's conundrum the slightest knowing glance.
"Let's repossess our brother after the mission, we need EVERYONE else's support at sector 1," Ludwig muttered before Lemmy, the smaller Koopaling rolling on a bright circus ball.
Lemmy nearly had a heart attack. "Oh no! What happened this time? We have to help him now, Luddy!"
Ludwig had a huff of trepidation but masked it over just as quickly, sounding off that air horn again and ordering the squad of other koopas, some not so subtly holding back chuckles, to hustle ahead. Just before the older siblings could grab his arms, another explosion shrouded them in hot embers, smoke, and confusion.
Iggy heard a deafening bang and he felt a sensation of pain, but in another instant that too was gone. The sky was blue, the sun gleamed directly into his eyes unshielded by thick glasses. He was flailing high above the city. Well he did appreciate the Overthere's expedient transcendence system he never knew about till right now, but he kind of wanted to live in spite of how unfulfilling and dreary as his life was going.
Iggy only saw stars flying in the air until he collided with something hard. His body bounced off the Royal Raceway billboard and rolled down a hill, resting in a garden a mile ahead of where Bowser's army and the Koopalings had advanced. He was so early in fact, that everything was tranquil and a toad or two were still clipping the weeds.
Popping his head up dizzily, he observed the workers. His gaze shifted to someone standing. He blinked a few times. It was Princess Peach standing out on her bridge. It was surreal. He was rarely privileged to see the enemy ruler so close in person. Actually he rarely made it on her grounds at all before defeat. Everything was green and organic. He couldn't even hear the distant pew pew of magikoopa blasts or hammer bro hammers that was a constant noise among his kind. It was like he'd entered some other reality where he didn't have to dread life.
With a single tear streaming down Peach watched her city burn in the distance with her white gloved hands clasped together at her chest. "Oh Mario... Bowser has never been this relentless...Where are you?" she breathed out.
"-Any time now, princess," a gruff voice of a toad answered. They continued gardening imperturbably.
Something made Iggy emerge from his own thoughts, witnessing a good chunk of his naturally green hair get snipped along with the rose bush. The gardener then moved on to a star shaped shrub without noticing Iggy was among the foliage. Now his mood shifted to being ticked off. The one aspect of his appearance he was proud of, that took forever to style. A war went on inside. It played out like one of his darkest dreams, ones he had shared with no one- not even Lemmy where he defected to the Mushroom Kingdom and.. he wasn't sure what after that. Would they take him in? Trust him? Actually treat him better?
With a burst of energy he pounced out of the grass and left the toads spinning in place. He charged at Peach's shocked figure, awkwardly sprinting across castle grounds like a cheep cheep out of water. It didn't matter. He was going to do something right for once. Or what he thought was right.. Just before the koopaling was in arm's reach of the Mushroom Kingdom ruler, he tripped over his own toes and stumbled past her and then flipped himself over the moat. Splash went the koopaling…
'Typical Icky' would be repeated in Bowser's Castle for the rest of the day, overshadowing even the fact that the Mario Brothers did arrive and promptly beat them up moments later. Bowser was again defeated for the fifth time that week.
Dates: 9/18. 9/22, 9/24, 9/28.
10/11/20, 10/29
Sep-Nov 2020, 11/8/21, 11/13
Revisited: 12/15/23