Ain't talkin bout love…
Here, on a white fluffy cloud hundreds of feet above the Mushroom Kingdom, rested Ignatius H. Koopa, the fourth prince born to King Bowser Koopa of Dark Land.
He was dead…
Well, not quite under the gaze of so many comrades and enemies alike, but it was coming.
At least he had a good, long, and satisfying eighteen years and six months run.
Oh, no he didn't, the green-haired genius reflected, the spark of life temporarily returning.
He.. didn't at all..
While he didn't foresee Operation: Loathsomeness Antipathy & Incompatibility Decimation's (L.A.I.D.) having such potency at an alpha stage, or working at all, he went for it, desperately formulating such a 'Womanizing Spray'.
Heck, the koopaling considered, further spiraling inward, soon to be so compact he was nothing but a spec on the clouds. A potion to enhance the minuscule amount of natural pheromones he had, making himself irresistibly attractive?
That thing that made you worth listening to? Worth appreciating? That increased one's inherent value? Made you worth existing?
Yeah, why would he want that? Why scheme, or 'cheat' as that patriarchal Kamek put it, to acquire such? Get a slice of a pleasant, fairer, life he'd never have otherwise, where he wasn't blamed for anything beyond his control, and-
-And everyone was forthright with him.
'Hey, wait a minute!', to quote Don 'Murphy' Lloyd, a superstar programmer he idolized.
Iggy jolted, blinked, and of course breathed too, his withered soul returning a second time, grumbling that he'd better get himself together now. Returning to the Overthere and back was expensive-
"We're waiting," Kamek grumbled.
"-YesImadealovepotionthingykindasortaandslatheredmyselfinitbyaccidentlastnight BUUUUUT!" Iggy exclaimed, one finger raised. "It's not a love potion in actuality, or a womanizer, or a way to get me L.A.I.D. What it did to everyone in my proximity can only be extrapolated by the subject…" Foggy glasses or not, he realized he'd lost them, especially Bowser sprawled out flat before Peach's floating castle. "It's not me! It's you!"
"What?" they gasped.
Lemmy whipped around on his ball, youthful features all scrunched in disdain. "Oh my gosh, this is so stupid. Iggy, not your part. You did great, but why did you have to resort to zany science stuff for everyone to be honest?"
Ludwig shook out of it, wild blue hair flowing in the strong gusts. "Ian!.. I mean Lemmy. G-general Lemmy, I must caution you!-"
"I got this Luddy. Everybody line up and tell the truth!"
Screech! Lemmy blew a whistle. Kamek simmered as the army closed in. How dare they interlude with Peach so near and defenseless? Who knew what she was devising!?
"Me first." Larry sighed, light blue eyes fixed on his feet. "Like finally I can say it. I'm over this stuff!"
"By 'stuff' you mean being a brat hopefully," Kamek stood across him, snout to snout.
Larry bit the inside of his cheek, a hush falling over the group, even the squirmy Mario brothers. Bravely however, he puffed out that hairless chest. "By stuff I was thinking a ruder word, but point is, we onna leash and I'm not the only one dreading being packed away somewhere forever!"
The magikoopa reeled backwards. "Wretched lies!"
"Ahhh! Okay okay!" Morton blabbered, running, more like flopping forward. "I don't wanna move either! I can't imagine, fathom, picture my life without the clamor of my family! I don't want the distance from my penpals to make sending letters a nightmare. I don't want to be away from cell towers! Please! I'll behave like a nimbi if I can stay! Even if Roy is engaged in some delectable debauchery, I won't tag along!"
"Hey, whataminute. S'like dis," Roy began, clearing his throat. His big muscled arms were down limply, posture slumped, his general disposition so low, it's a wonder the cloud didn't sink. "I don't wanna move. K? Just knowing it's happening, I've given up everythang, my Koopaball career, girls I mighta went ta distance with, even da college I wanted to go to. All I gots left is working out, which nobodies gonna even appreciate in some fortress in da middle of nowhere!"
Bowser lifted his head, the snot literally knocked out of him. "Errgh.. wha..?" Stars and goonies were circling his head, that and..
"-If anybody's getting shafted, why me? I neva started nuthin. Just finish it whatever Wendy started."
"Ugh!" the koopaling princess groaned, stomping between the two big boys. "Look. I was under PRESSURE! You know the moment I step into my new fortress, all proposals from princes will flood my box. Forget tying nations together, other rules, and junk. I don't even know if… I even want a prince."
Ludwig, listless in the rear, felt the wind knocked out of him. "Wendy."
She turned to him venomously, though not like the 'Wicked' Iggy knew, it was a deeper pain. "Just save it, Luddy."
The composer scratched behind his ear. "..No. Recursively, I have no desire to court a koopa princess myself. The one I desire is.. A Mushroomite toad!"
"HUH?!" A strung-out Bowser launched to his feet. "You?!"
Lemmy flushed, covering his mouth. "Wow. Uh.. Not what I thought I'd hear."
"Enemy species or not, she is intelligent, eloquent, and I was smitten at first cello solo in A minor," the blue-haired koopaling mused, positively enraptured by that memory, enough that they thought he might float. "Ah hem." He regained his footing. "So our unfettered inward battles have quite obviously compromised our ethics, to the point where we have not only treated each other poorly…" That stung to siblings, but he was right.. "..Ignatius, who was one of the more authentic all along, becoming our collective scapegoat." He faced the lime green-haired genius. "I am sorry."
"Yeah, sorry.." the rest reiterated.
Eyes darting from each genuine face to the other, Iggy melted in a way. A different way than typical, but.. "Er.. I don't know what to say."
"I do. All of that is fine! The staying, the going, the dating, the not dating, whatever!" Bowser declared with his full bassy, non-congested voice.
Everyone swiveled to the Koopa King.
"I was only kicking you out 'cause of how funny you all were acting. Will we behave now? Be more competent than my Old Man and beat these fools finally? If we win, you're free alright? Deal?"
"Lord Bowser!" Kamek cried. "You can't dismiss-"
"-Much appreciated, Vater. Now! Koopa Troop!" Ludwig raised a blaster. "Let us storm Peach Castle! Hurrah!"
"More like, weeee!" Mario interjected.
"Not even that. Pro tip: Don't open your mouth downhill."
A second after Luigi's quip, there were two huge bangs. Bowser was rocked away from the castle, rolling from his spiked shell when he saw it. Two stars, or rather a Blue and Yellow Toad with superstar power. They must have snuck up and.. Gahhhh! They directed goonies toting bright pink bob-omb buddies, sprinkling living explosives. Peach remained in an upper window, now with an army helmet, coyly waving goodbye.
Snap! The rainbow road shattered like prismatic glass and the cloud dropped to the side, creating a steep incline. Down the Koopa Troop plunged, Bowser the last to go, clinging to the last floating fragment of the rainbow road. He scowled as the castle gently descended on its cloud, those bomb traitors riding with it and Peach bailing via the pesky young toads. The trio reached the Mario bros, and the chunkier blue one snapped the ropes while the yellow one sipped from a juice box. They shared an ear-grating reunion.
~GAHHH! BOWSER HATED TO LOSE! HE SHOULD HAVE STUCK TO HIDING IN ICE CREAM TRUCKS!
Or he could have listened to his family and made it clear that they could pursue their desires as they chose 'long as they were willing to help him woo a certain pink princess.
Newly emancipated from that stretchy jump rope cord, the red plumber spun around, locking eyes with Bowser.
Great, he was thinking too loud again.
"Oh Bowser," Peach gently stopped Mario from barreling over. "This is getting expensive. I think, at last, I shall throw you a bone, Bowser."
Bowser gasped lightly, a single tear welling. "Yes." Then more like himself, "Yes yes yes! I do! I will be your king!"
They unexpectedly giggled.
"Peach ain't talkin 'bout love!" Mario acrobatically leaped over and bopped him on the head.
…
Toad Town had an overflowing city dump, the pile of bad guys and their instruments of war stacking three stories tall.
Squished way at the bottom, suddenly understanding what goombas went through, Iggy was glad to be alive at least. W.A.I.F.U. was set to blare an alarm if he ever wasn't.
"Lem… Wherever you are. Thanks.. You saved me, but.. It was pretty crappy for me to contrive this by not being open myself. I totally get if you shaft me and get new friends without all of these issues."
Somehow, Lemmy's paw found his, squeezing it. "No way. I'm not looking for perfection bro, plus there was a dark cloud.. Eh.. bad phrasing, but you get me, over ALL of us for a while. I don't think this could have ended better. Well, besides dad winning."
Iggy, no less painfully compressed by a monty tank at the moment smiled. Lemmy was great because, besides his uncritical inclinations, sometimes he simply listened. Maybe that was all Iggy really wished for.
….
Especially where he was now, swinging his headlamp towards tunnels worming left and right. The beam revealed one worrying sight after another, deep carvings in the walls, the trail where a chain dragged, then he heard the distant call of large toothy predators.
How did he get here? Not 'here', in the cave but-
'BARK BARK BARK!' echoed.
He scampered down the rocky, damp path, taking two or three blind corners and flinging himself out into fresher air, rolling over dry autumn maple leaves. The rest were at the cave exit, sweating and panting, flashlights with dead batteries on the ground. He hadn't been abandoned intentionally, it was a swarm of swoopers that separated them. He didn't even know the Swampire variants lived here.
During Bowser's week-long invasion, there were no KT scouts to report Peach's redesign of the path into the kingdom. Her castle lifting sealed the deal, the deep chasm that stunt left part of the chain-chomp filed ducts they were just crawling through. Bowser would not give up. Peach gave him a bone!
There he was on the little dirt mound ahead, the Toad Town docks and calm blue waters below. Toads and merchants moved to and fro, unaware of the enemy's intense gaze. Wagging that giant beige femur around, he knew they could swim it, and then all they'd have to contend with was the brand-new security cameras littered around. Peach would definitely wake up and dump Mario for him. She said he would if he attempted another five hundred more times-
Ludwig firmly planted his walking stick, eyebrow quirking as he observed the low-hanging yellow sun. "Vater, that expedition took five more hours than estimated, and my concert rehearsal is tonight."
Bowser snapped out of it, spinning to face his army.
"Oh, whoops sorry. Come on gramps!" Bowser pulled on a snorkel and dove right into the Mushroom Sea.
"My Lord, waaait!" Kamek ran over in his swimming tube, tossing himself down without question. With that, not even any minions around to gossip about slacking because they were already across the waters, disabling cameras while in trench coat and fedora disguises, the koopalings could 'clock out'.
Their collective sigh of relief was like music, probably better sounding than what would be at Ludwig's orchestra tonight- but don't tell him that..
"What are we gonna do? It'll be night by the time we're home," Wendy remarked, scrolling on her phone as the group trekked downhill. "Kammy likes to hog the TV around now."
"We should check out my fortress site."
They gave the rainbow-haired koopaling a skeptical look he expected. Those things sitting around now at thirtyish to sixty percent completion were sorta a bad reminder.
"I guess, I did have a secret," he chuckled at himself. "My fortress is off the coast of Lavalava Island, super close. I guess Dad thought it might incentivize me? Anyway, I'd been sneaking there early and paying the workers to build me a huge bouncy castle instead!"
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!..." Morton abruptly froze, arms, and the rest of him suspended in the air.
"I dig it." Larry high fived him, partially deafened or not. "Lem, won't cha shell not grow properly sleeping on that?"
Lemmy shrugged. "It's a learned skill. Besides, I coulda stayed with Iggy anytime."
Iggy, flushed, pulling the hoodie drawstring to create a cocoon around his face. He so coulda.
"Know what?" Wendy removed her earrings. "Let's have a ball!"
Roy's arms were folded until she sprinted past him. "Fine fine fine. Kiddy or not, let's go. Yeah!"
The seven koopalings, including Ludwig until he had to dash to Music Park, were treated via warp pipe to the hot tropical land of piranha plants, spear guys, yoshis, bongos, dazzling lava geysers, a flower necklace that Wendy received much to the jealousy of Morton, and a boatload of fun! Iggy Koopa would never be beaten up again.
…
Besides beating himself up over which tuxedo to pick. Shawl or notch lapel? Out of his otaku uniform, he was hopeless.
"Which one, W.A.I.F.U?" The nerd held up both before the sensors in his room. Lights flashed, calculations were made..
"~Beep boop zip! The left one, sensei. Congratulations!"
Rose petals showered him from the ceiling, shocking him.
"Sheesh. Forgot I programmed that in," Iggy muttered, heart pounding as he slipped the burgundy dress coat on. "Hopefully I can reset it for when my wedding comes around. I'm actually heading to Dad's, W.A.I.F.U!"
Five hundred attempts and a year or two later, Princess Peach Toadstool, saw the light. King Bowser was decently handsome, had money, land, and besides the opportunity to achieve Mushroom World peace with their union, the desire to give her everything she wanted in life. She said yes!
Guess they were talkin bout love..
Iggy spritzed a liquid in an unmarked bottle on each side of his neck. He made and sold this stuff for big bucks, a certified chemist these days, just under his green semi-bushy goatee. Prolly shoulda shaved. Prolly shoulda had his glasses on too. He did want to clearly see his eldest brother and his girlfriend play that duet, good ol Hip pull a Nabbit from a hat and make someone's wallet disappear, DJ L4rry's light show, and.. Whoever Roy, Wendy, and Morton might show with. He slipped them on before grabbing the clown car keys, scanning the label.
Tittering Spray?
The geeky koopa adult waltzed out of his condo, snickering.
The End!
Written: 1/3/24